dressing in front of our spouse

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Anthony Simon
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Re: dressing in front of our spouse

Post by Anthony Simon »

Reading your earlier post about your experience with your mother, it sounds like she really laid into you in a kind of invasive way. Speaking from a somewhat related experience, that can be hell to get out.

It has a Pavlov's dog kind of effect, where the idea of being dressed up in front of a woman sparks buried childhood anxiety and you can't do it. The other aspect of it is you can have unresolved anger towards your mother and fear that would burst out as an attack on your wife if you dressed up in front of her.

It helps me to talk to an analyst about this stuff, but it sounds like your wife is doing the right thing in, as I understand it, working with you in a loving way to try to overcome this.
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CharLee
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Re: dressing in front of our spouse

Post by CharLee »

I have been dressed in front of my wife more and more lately then ever before and she hasn't complained or asked me to change into drab. Today while she was at work and I was home dressed she called and asked me to clean off the counter tops and sweep & mop the floors knowing that I would be dressed and wouldn't mind doing those things as a woman. When she got home she didn't say anything about me being dressed and thanked me and said I was such a good house wife to do that for her.

To top it all off she has even allowed me to sleep with her while en femme and in my night gown for a couple of times. She knows I would love to be a woman and I guess she has come to terms with this and is resolved to letting me be the woman I want to be whenever I want.
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Davita
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Re: dressing in front of our spouse

Post by Davita »

I can dress openly and do. Back in the day though... I'd get flustered on those close calls about getting caught even though the better half knew. There would be those "kid caught with her hand in the cookie jar" moments and even I would need to take a second and get less fem before letting the better half see me. Over the years, going through stages and phase of wear, eventually the better half got to see all kinds of silliness and you just go with the flow to find your "normal."

This morning she got to see the new dress I was wearing to work. Told her she can borrow it but it was probably too big. :( Come to think of it; it was a month ago the 1st time I saw her in a dress in years and she looked good in my fave dress. So now who's dressing in front of whom?
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Marissa Mae
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Re: dressing in front of our spouse

Post by Marissa Mae »

My wife sweetly tolerates my being dressed in front of her—as distinct from putting on or taking off the clothes in front of her, which I tend to avoid as being embarrassing on both our parts. (Sometimes the taking-off accidentally happens in passing while we're going to bed, but we try to be flexible.)

But I don't go femme more than about one day in every three or four days, because I know it changes how she views me. She's naturally enough attached to my male look—I try to keep that for her sake, and for our harmony together.

If not for that, I would be femme all the time. But we're very close, and I don't want to disturb that. It's a delicate balance, probably more in my mind than in hers.

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DanielleM
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Re: dressing in front of our spouse

Post by DanielleM »

When I first came out to my wife, it was a stressful time... a lot of talking and trying to explain to her my feelings. Over time she gained some understanding and has been supportive. My trouble is that I find it hard to be comfortable dressed in front of her. I did for a while but lately I don't. She's even mentioned it. I told her I struggle with it.

For years I dressed alone and in private. She's the only person close to me that knows. I need to get over that wall and just dress in front of on occasion and it should get easier with time. Sigh
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Wendae
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Re: dressing in front of our spouse

Post by Wendae »

I'm a bit of an empath and after 50 years of marriage I can sense my wife's hurt when I dress around her and I try to avoid it as much as possible. It really stresses me out even tho she never says anything. When I dress at home I usually get up before her and go out. On returning I get changed and cleaned up.
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Re: dressing in front of our spouse

Post by Anthony Simon »

DanielleM wrote: My trouble is that I find it hard to be comfortable dressed in front of her. I did for a while but lately I don't. She's even mentioned it. I told her I struggle with it.
Maybe you're embarrassed because you feel you don't come up to some abstract standard of feminine beauty.
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Re: dressing in front of our spouse

Post by Eileen (SO) »

Several times a month, I enjoy the company of my part time girlfriend. She's so happy and it adds a little thrill to our otherwise boring evening. However, the topic title says, 'dressing in front of our spouse'. That I have a problem with. I don't like to see the transition from husband to girlfriend. One gender presentation at a time, not somewhere in between.

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Janet Bern
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Re: dressing in front of our spouse

Post by Janet Bern »

I had a GG friend and used to change in her home.
She liked me to dress myself and then we would go out.
Miss those days
Jamiey
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Re: dressing in front of our spouse

Post by Jamiey »

Since I have only expressed to my wife my desire to look and feel feminine of recent, we are in the process of examing every aspect of our feelings and making sure we can handle it. In answering her first question, "are you gay?" I had to go into depth in explaining that I was not and loved her immensely. She began to see how important this is to me and asked that everything be out in the open. I told her I needed her honest opinion and in return I would make this work for us.

I agree with many of the opinions on here that just dressing and asking your SO her opinion, may not be the most prudent approach. Actually the first time my wife saw me in a bra she turned away and said that it is a little weird. When I asked her what she meant by weird, she apologized and said that was not the word she wanted and that is what many in society think. I read on one of the posts here a book someone gave their wife to read called "My husband wears my clothes". She did read it and that opened up a great dialogue about my feelings, her feelings and common ground to approach things. We both agreed with each other that slow and steady will work for us.

Well I only had to wait a few days and we made plans to go shopping for make-up and clothing. She took me to the Salvation Army, Penny and Kohls. We bought things from everywhere and she told me that she never imagined how much fun it was. On the drive home I asked if she wanted to be present as I tried things on or preferred I do it privately. She was right there next to me adjusting things and commenting on what worked and did not. She showed me how to apply make-up and did get a laugh at my first few attempts. I was so moved by how helpful she was that I had to shed a tear. I know how lucky I am.

During dinner that night I asked here if she would be ok with me walking around the house in a nice dress with make-up and wig while she was home. She said that she will wait to how everything looks and go from there. Then laughed and said that she hopes I don't start dressing better than her.

One thing my wife did bring up was that she would never be intimate with me while as a woman. Although she is bisexual, she said that she would have a difficult time with it being me. I assured her that I am not expressing my feminine self for sexual purposes. I told her that I get such excitement wearing women's clothing that I want her at her pace right along side of me.
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Wesley
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Re: dressing in front of our spouse

Post by Wesley »

This is something I cannot understand. . .well, maybe a bit. .

I am in my mid 50's. . Been married thrice. Each and every one knew BEFORE we married. . In fact, several girlfriends over the years (this going back girlfriends in and after Highschool Graduated in the mid 1970's) were aware and only one expressed any sort of issue regarding crossdressing . .

What I have seen, and become most aware of here, is that the older genernations were more likely to keep such a secret from their SO's .. no doubt due to societal pressures and mores . . . But in most all of those cases. . as soon as the secret was exposed, the marriage was either dead or about to become quickly.

I think it would be interesting to be a crossdresser or "gender fluid" today. A quick review of youtube videos, seems to belay the fact that suprising numbers of young people are quite comfortable with their crossdressing as are their girlfriends, boyffriends or others. . .

You have to be a bit envious of the 20 somethings who candidly put up videos of their SOH (Significant Other Half) doing applying makeup, fixing hair, going out whatever...

Back in the mid to late 1980's, I let my close friends and family know that I crossdressed. . . .No one cared..
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Re: dressing in front of our spouse

Post by Giselle »

my wife is tolerant of my dressing but i know everytime she see's me dressed she dies a little
63 yr old married crossdresser still coming to terms what this is all about?
Eileen (SO)
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Re: dressing in front of our spouse

Post by Eileen (SO) »

That's sad, Giselle. Too many women hide their feelings to avoid a confrontation, until they all explode in an overblown, irrational, argument. No really, it's true.

There are plenty of reasons a wife can't fully accept a CD husband. She doesn't understand the need, you've lied all this time about these needs, secretly gay or bi, or trying to look better than her.
Then the fears. Neighbors or friends may find out, bringing ridicule to her and children, you might be publically embarrassed, arrested or beat up.

Narrowing down her objections helps both of you work past the problem. Putting feelings into words, spoken or written, can be difficult, but it also defines the issue.

Good luck,

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Anne Bonny
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Re: dressing in front of our spouse

Post by Anne Bonny »

My experience has helped me to understand, with the help of a close friend that in my case I lived presenting to everyone a manly man, husband, father, a career military man! I was fully in that role before them all of my life ... years..., then all of a sudden to all of those involved, because they did not see my hidden lifelong internal struggle, they never saw me dressing secretly and hiding everything. They suddenly are asked to fully accept all of who I am coming out of the closet. To them it seems it was a spur of the moment change in myself that just happened. Hence there is difficulty understanding, they find it very hard to accept that the manly man in their lives was covering a softer femininity inside...how could that be? (clarification...I did not come out all at once...first my wife 7 years into our marriage, to our sons at different times after they were at or over the age of 18, my parents died not knowing because they would never have accepted it...it has been a gradual rolling out and opening up for me that is still ongoing).

It takes a very long time, many conversations and sadly for those who have lived with us all our lives the optimum expectation for most of those will be some degree of a grudging...marginal understanding...and just a degree of tolerance most of the time over the full and enthusiastic hugs of acceptance we would much rather have.

I hate tolerance it is grudgingly granted, approval is grudgingly given...it is really marginal rejection from those we love the most in our lives and that really hurts...a lot! It means not dressing except when they are not around...that is if we want to feel good about ourselves not having to feel the rejection. Rejection of nearly half of who I am is really a rejection of all of who I am because I am a whole person! That is the truth the real fact about "tolerance" and "grudging acceptance" and is why I suppress when those negative vibes are there in the air around me it makes being who I am and loving myself very very difficult, it makes feeling wonderful and free in my feminine self impossible for me because it hurts. If it hurts I do not want to or feel free to and that is what those who are not fully accepting do to us which is why I say that...partial rejection is to be fully rejected. They reject all of me if they do not accept all of me because I am a whole person inside. I am the same person but that is why hiding is such a bad thing...we must be open about who we are because this is the very costly price we will pay for it in the end. It's a very harsh and hard reality.

Had we been open with them from the very beginning, as it must be with any new people we develop relationships with the understanding and acceptance would be much better perhaps fully accepting who we are and encouraging. Either that or new people will depart but those who do not depart stay because they are willing to accept us openly for who we are.

This has opened my eyes to understand and accept myself why those who I have known all of my life will tend to have the most difficulty, and for some the potential is that they will reject and leave.

I did a rather poor job explaining this but it is a difficult reality for those who lived deep in the closet who gain the courage to gradually start opening up after years in the dark.
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Eternity
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Re: dressing in front of our spouse

Post by Eternity »

Absaroka wrote:Here is something I don't understand. I read here from time to time about men dressing in front of their wives, usually after they first come out, and how their wives hate it, are in tears, and so on. When I try to imagine dressing in front of my wife and visualize her reaction (I doubt she'd be in tears but would likely be annoyed) it removes all desire to dress in front of her. Why would anyone want to dress in front of someone if their mere choice of clothing is going to reduce this person they love to tears?

Now I am not talking here about the person who is realizing that they are in fact a woman, need SRS, and so on. Although I suspect that these people are laying a lot more groundwork for everything than a conversation and a dress. I'm talking about the man who has some side of himself he feels is best expressed by wearing womens clothing, who may even have whatever it is when people say a "femme side" but who is basically a man and wants to stay that way.

Okay I understand about experimentation, seeing how they will react. Or sharing a side of ourselves that was until now secret. But doing it a 2nd time? Why? It seems to me that at that point half the spouses anguish comes from the obviousness of the husbands oblivion to their wifes feelings. A bit like asking your wife and your mistress to become friends.

All of which is a big part of the reason I don't talk about this a whole lot with my wife.

I know there is a whole lot of hypocrisy in this post after all I am lying to her.......and there are a lot of other sides to this issue. But I was struck by one of the new SO posts and kept thinking that if I got dressed to go out and left my wife in tears that it would be a sign of much bigger issues than crossdressing, one of them being my own self centeredness.

Probably got everyone mad here. No apology.

Absaroka
I suppose that you are like me, and that you behave differently when you wear women's clothes than when wearing men's clothes. Not that I act like a female, but in some ways i do act different. For example, I can show my more sensitive and vulnerable side.

The fact that you want to keep your wife from knowing you entirely, or at least want to keep her away from a part of you, might indeed succeed in protecting her feelings in the short term. However in my view a relationship can only grow when there is mutual love, respect and honesty. Keeping a part of you strictly to yourself is an impediment to the growth of the relationship and the individual growth of both partners. It also shows a lack of trust in the strength of your relationship and in the superficiality of your wife.

I don't think that it is to be recommended to keeping a, rather important, part of yourself from your spouse. And obviously it is important to you, otherwise, why would you do something which causes you at least some practical discomfort.

That being said, I do also understand that the topic is more complex than shown in my answer and that not all spouses will be open to the topic of crossdressing. But accepting it (and the degree of acceptance), should be her choice, not yours.
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