Thoughts about being open, sharing our cding side. (a rant)

[Lacey Hadley]

In recent days/weeks I have been pondering a lot on crossdressing, the secrets, the fears, the desire to be open to others, and the hypocrisy of some people.

Surfing the web not only here but other places/discussions on cding has me read a lot on the topic. One issue I find bothersome is the way some and I dare say many women feel about their BF/SO/Husbands being cders once the topic is broached. Now I'm not saying forums and discussion boards are scientific but sadly I read for say every one genetic girl who is ok to being totally on with it having her man dress as a girl, there are 10 or more who are not on and often post rude, hateful, ignorant comments. On top of that many cry out that their man held this secret from them and that angered them more. But when you read on they are not only ticked by not being told (fine I see that point to an extent) but they still often are non-supportive and many even hateful. WHY WOULD ANY MAN COME FORTH THEN!?! You can't win for telling.

I read these women say, I married a man, I'm dating a man, not a guy who wants to be a woman blah blah blah! They often toss in a lot of ignorance about cders. Many can't even begin to accept that they are being shown for what 99% of cders a most private side of the men they say they love. The same GUYS who may be able to fix cars, build/renovate homes, fix plumbing/electrical, play manly sports, hunt, fish, fix up hot rods, ride motorcycles, all sorts of more manly things, but also have a feminine side that is as much of them as their eye colour is, hair colour is, right brain/left brain thoughts are. But I read more women than not are totally uncool about the cding.

Funny, in that most of my life I worked as a pro photographer and shot hundreds of weddings. I heard the VOWS hundreds of times, in fact I along with my then wife said these vows too. But I find it odd how for many both male and female once life stops going the way of perceived perfection that many want OUT including often wives of cders. Ah love is for many people a moving set of goal posts.

The way I have read posts being so non-supportive of cding to outright hateful, I think, imagine if their men, BF/SO/Hubbies were to talk to these women the same way/ ALL HELL WOULD BREAK LOOSE!

"I don't want my man to wear the same clothes I do." / Well maybe did ya think many men hate the fact women often dress in the same type of clothes men do today?

"I don't want my man in lingerie." / Well maybe did ya think we men don't want you sleeping in ratty t-shits, sweats or boxers?

'I don't want my man to have more girls shoes than me. / Well maybe did ya think many men man want to see their gals in in dressy shoes, boots and yes maybe high heels and not ugly crocks or ughs?

"I don't want my man to be made up and even maybe look better than me." / Well maybe did ya think we men want our ladies to dress and look like ladies, not going out to the store or wherever looking like they rolled out of a BFI bin and/or wearing PJ bottoms, ill fitting yoga pants, dirty t-shirts and going sans makeup?

No I'm ranting here because misogyny does not exist by any systemic ideal in the west today, but sexism by all too many tongue, clucking women is alive and well. They often want to look as they wish, maybe make little to no effort to look alluring for their men. Many of them expect to dress how they wish even if such makes them look like they are homeless. They often want to act as they wish even if its not becoming or feminine. But dammit their MAN must be a poster boy of manliness.

Well ladies, speaking for myself but I feel many other cders feel the same, when I'm in drab, I am as male/manly as most any typical man. I like many of the manly things too and can do many manly activities. But when I dress as Lacey I'm 100% feeling girly and feminine, and I LUV IT! She is the closest girlfriend I can say I have. I have a feminine side to me that can really over flow when dressed as a girl, but even in dab she floats in my mindset under my male mind and feel that femme side makes me a better man.

I did not ask to be a cder! CDing is a part of me from as far back as I can remember about age 5-6 and like many I began dressing by about age 11-12. I HAVE BEAT MYSELF UP A THOUSAND TIMES OVER IT! I'VE CONTEMPLATED SUICIDE OVER IT MANY TIMES! I never told my ex-wife about my cding before we divorced and we had our other issues like many married couples have but cding is a was a part of it for me.

I HAVE HATED MYSELF MORE YEARS IN MY LIFE THAN NOT! I can pretend to be happy more easily than being truly happy. But I'm tired of the B.S. and the hypocrisy of especially many women but society in general towards cding and the tg community. Too many of us cders feel we must live our lives in lying about who we are and keeping a part of us as a taboo secret.

To many of our families, GF/SO/Wives, and friends all is A OK! if we live our lies and live to make others happy but we must never find our own happiness.

I have only been with a few women after my divorce and never fell back in love and never really told. One lady was supportive and in fact found me off a personals. But she was still separated and had two teenage daughters and we in time moved on.

Many of us cders are educated, loving, sensitive but can be strong men. IMO many of us can make GREAT SO/Hubbies. But ladies it's a two way street, too many women I see, read and hear feel today it's only THEIR WAY and it better be a 4 bedroom, 3 bathroom house, white picket fence, good income, 2-4 week vacations, all with 2 perfect children and a dog or cat GET OVER IT! Life for 99% of us is not like that.

I as a cder DO NOT BITE! I do not shirk my responsibility and never would as a SO/Hubby. I would want to be 100% honest about my cding but do not want rejection or ridicule and all the hypocrisy from it. I as a cder want woman to dress, act, love and feel like a woman. I do not want a feminist, but a lady who would get 100% respect from me and give 100% respect to me even as a cder. A CONFIDANT AND A LADY WHO CAN SEE ME FOR ALL I AM, LACEY THE CDER AND MY REGULAR MALE SELF!

Thanks for letting me rant. I have been struggling with things including cding and relations with others including thoughts of expanding the circle of those who may know me as a cder and as Lacey.

[CharLee]

Hear Hear, I couldn't have stated it better Lacey

[Paulette]

Oh my, Lacey!

And a very good rant it was, too! Listen to the talk in the SO side of Tri-S gathering sometime, and you'll likely hear much the same kind of sexist thing.

If all you are finding are those who feel "it's only THEIR WAY and it better be a 4 bedroom, 3 bathroom house, white picket fence, good income, 2-4 week vacations, all with 2 perfect children and a dog or cat," you may have been looking in the wrong places.

Good people are out there, and some of them are even women, and some of them even enjoy their man as a girlfriend or sister sometimes. I'm not saying you should rush over to Fetlife, but your girl is out there. And she's probably looking for you, too.

[Lacey Hadley]

Hi and yes, I know there are very supportive genetic women, I'm just tired of feeling as if I'm some criminal in hiding and of feeling as if i cannot be able to be me. Yes, intelligent women can found who are a'ok to being understanding to us cders. It's just as I surf and read discussion boards, forums etc. about cding and GF/SO/Wives, most who comment are NEGATIVE! It's not even close to 50/50. It's more like 90/10 con vs pro. Yes I know info from only forums and such is not scientific, but it's not to be disregarded.

My ex-wife was the epitome of a well turned out, nicely dressed lady. She would never go out not looking good. It made her feel empowered to be able to be feminine and confident. I never told her of my crossdressing and have no idea if she would have been ok with it.

But I as a cder am not demanding for society and more so women to be all lovey dovey to it. But to be as fair minded and respectful to me as would be to them. As a cder I have feelings, a heart and soul too. I bleed literally and figuratively too. I do not want to be rejected especially by a woman I may be interested in, by family or friends for being who I am.

I will say this, I think today's society and most everyday women are probably more open minded to cders than say 20-30-40+ years ago. I know I gave a rant but I had to unload as I as a cder look to hurt nobody and look to be loved and/or respected by as many as possible. I when dressed as Lacey am a really freaking awesome person and I as a regular Joe type male am a strong minded but respectful, thoughtful, caring man especially towards women, as I feel most cders likely are. I feel it's a part of our DNA a feminine side that can make us very special people.

[Carole Hill]

Your "rant" was very well written and thought out. I have often felt the same way. I suspect, as you stated, that many others have felt very much the same.

What can be done? Education and exposure to good examples can help. In my own case, my daughters and their husbands displayed the effects of having been brought up to not be prejudiced or bigoted and understanding other people's situations. When my wife told them that she and I were getting divorced she also told them about my liking to wear women's clothes. They were very upset about our getting divorced but hardly cared at all that I cross dressed. This really upset my wife! She had expected them to be very upset with me.

I, too, believe that many young people (especially females) are likely to be more accepting. There has been so much more publicity and information about people who do not fit the male only or female only stereotype. I think this eventually will help our situations. Gays and lesbians are, by many people, much more accepted now than a few years ago. However, it has been a struggle. Gains will not come easily.

[Eileen (SO)]

Lacey, Usually I skim through long posts but I read every word of this one. Most of which I can agree, with some clarifications.

When we married in 1980, there was little information on cross dressing or other gender variations. He really didn't understand himself the why's and needs to dress female. Opening up to a partner without being able to fully explain himself would have been counter productive.

As to being accepting, you all lived your lives with a feeling of dual genderism. For someone that never questioned her gender, this is confusing. Why aren't you secretly gay or bi? This revelation from a husband shakes one to the core. That hetero males dress as women goes against all I thought I knew.
It took some time to realize that I never lost my man, but gained some insight to his private feelings. That he had to suffer, hidden and confused, for so many years is sad to think about.

Some women will bitch about their CD spouse with good reason. After initial shock and grudging acceptance, the next thing she knows is a full time woman parading around the house. While a CD may have been closeted most of his life, now you're asking a wife to keep a secret she never anticipated. Neighbors can't just pop by like before, leaving the house in our car that everyone knows, and what if something bad happens when out? A car accident or some confrontation at a restaurant? There's a lot of added stress we didn't ask for.

As for your unofficial conclusion that most women resent a CD spouse, the contented ones don't have as much to say on forums.

Your clothing statements, I do have some problems with though. I often kid that my husband wears skirts more often than I do, it's true! But skirts no more make a woman than a suit makes a man. Clothing choices are about intent. What ever casual outfit I'm wearing, I do not expect to called 'sir' or use the Men's washroom. With rare exceptions, or unless you're Scottish, a man wearing a skirt wishes to portray as a woman.
Yes, I do wear a big cotton t-shirt to bed. I want to be comfortable and get a good nights sleep, not look like a WWII pin-up girl.
Many women run the household budget, all my friends do. After years of self sacrifice and frugality, then husband starts 'her' wardrobe. After years of teasing how many shoes we own, then he buys even more. I would have liked to wear nicer things when we were younger, but we couldn't afford them.

Wives are expected to learn and understand, please try to see things from our side. I've got a great husband and now a girlfriend. At least now she dresses her age and not a college co-ed.

Eileen

[Lacey Hadley]

Thanks for your reply Eileen.

I can understand your POV. Yes a serious relationship including a marriage must have respect by both parties. Balance is a goal both should strive for. I can understand the shock a wife or SO may feel as they find out their BF/SO/Hubby is a crossdresser. But shock should pass if both people love and accept each other.

If one thinks about it GG's have been accepted as crossdressers in many ways for decades now. Males have had to accept this even if nowadays many genetic girl may not be dressing and finishing herself and look off, to be so eye catching in daily life. That said may a guy today has let themselves go too. But women have co-opted male style clothing in many ways and nobody much bothers.

I feel the best way to open up a side of life for many cders is to show that we are regular persons, we like others have our problems, our flaws and also our gifts. We just have a part of us that must crossdress in order to keep and stay sane. A healthy loving relationship will know that both people come to terms and acceptance about this part of a crossdresser's life and persona. Denying us this will only divide and ultimately destroy a relationship or marriage and may even the life of the cder. As crossdressers we to have to respect the space and feelings of a GF/SO/Wife.

As you noted a cding hubby is not a loss of the man you may be in a marriage or LTR with. As a cder in drab mode I'm much like any other guy. Yes, my femme side is always there with my guy side, but in drab she accentuates me as a guy and does not try to obliterate my guy mode ideals and ways. En femme, I am as girly as I look and feel, my guy side fades into the back ground accept in ways for me and the way I see my self en femme, in that I see and think I look pretty when done up with make up and a wig along with the clothes, my male side see's that as an attraction.

Crossdressng is not a black and white thing for all males, it varies in many ways. Some of us like only certain articles of clothes, others dress more and more fully and still others do the whole thing. I can go through all levels but I love most when I take the time to dress up with hair and make up too. I guess the point is cding will not go away for us. I tried a thousand time stop follow by a thousand times more. I never wanted or want to hurt anyone and any LTR I'd have would be the last person I want to hurt with my cding, but I'd be killing myself even slowly if I had to stop to maintain a relationship.

[Eileen (SO)]

You've put a lot of thought into these posts, Lacey. I quite agree that the general public dresses as slobs now days. My grandfather wore a suit with spats, riding the trolley to work as a laborer, and women always wore dresses. I'm glad those days are in the past.

I'm not be the type of woman you would find attractive, abhorring ribbons and lace. Neither could you be the CD husband I could live with, much too flashy. Every pot has it's lid, as it's said, there is much you've written we can agree on.

Except for one statement you've repeated and must have missed my point.

If one thinks about it GG's have been accepted as crossdressers in many ways for decades now.

All my blouses or shirts I wear is cut to accommodate a woman's breasts and the sleeves are shorter. Any pants, slacks, jeans, or Capri's I own are made for a woman's hips and butt.
In my mind, cross dressing is about portraying one's self as the opposite gender, the clothing is merely a prop to enhance the image. Never do I intend to be called 'sir' or use the men's washroom.
I'll cite Elly May Clampett from the Beverly Hillbillies show as exhibit 'A' and dare you to call her a cross dresser.

Eileen

[Lacey Hadley]

Eileen,

You are correct in that a gal such as Elly May was still very much a woman and beautiful woman, with her tomboy style clothes. I guess my point about crossdressing was that much of the clothes women and girls wear today were once only the domain of males. We see that some women now wear boxers for underwear Ironically in the Ye olde days many men especially those of privilege wore lace, silk shirts and silk stockings with buckle shoes and even heels suitable for horse riding.

As to my thoughts on modern dressing and to be fair males and females, it is one thing to be dressed casually and comfy so to speak, even though comfort is less what you wear and more how it fits and generally quality of clothes one buys so to speak. IE: Much of my working life I wore button down shirts with ties and pressed pants, never did I feel less comfortable in those than in a pair of jeans and t-shirt.

It is not any harder to find formal, semi-formal and even casual clothes that fit well and are comfortable without breaking the bank as to the dreck many people dress and go out and about in today looking as if they are homeless and just raided a BFI bin.

I want to look good in drab and I want to look girly and very feminine dressed as Lacey. My ex-wife and I had our issues but she taught me some style as male and brought me from a meh, frumpy young man into one who cared how I looked being in public business and also to look good among friends, family and acquaintances. It was no harder to dress as such, no less comfy and not really much more costly. My ex-wife dressed great in casual and Mmmmmm so yummy for my male and yes my femme Cding eyes when she dressed up more dressy as a lady. My mother also dressed well all the time too so it has rubbed off on me and I want to dress much like that when I'm en femme.

IMO a lot of people male and sadly to my male and me femme eyes females dress to not give a damn today.

[Eileen (SO)]

Lacey, as women, you and I have different style of dress. My everyday style is not one that a CD would hope to emulate.
Part of your original rant was GG's not being accepting. Few women will like having their guy dress fancier than they do. Especially when trying to look 20 years younger and failing miserably.

Eileen

[Ralitsa]

I'll make just a few observations.
While it's true that women wearing pants and blouses nearly always wear those made and cut for women, they don't always. And if they do happen to wear guys jeans or flannel shirts, NOTHING is said about it.
And there are pants and blouses that are specifically made for women, not true about skirts or dresses made for men (with some rare exceptions). So if a man wanted to wear a skirt, he has to buy something like a kilt, or it's imitation Utili-kilt, and pretend it's some sort of traditional Scottish thing going on. And if he wants to wear a dress, then there is essentially no choice but to shop in the ladies department.
Which brings us to the problem for the normal guy who wants to wear a dress. It's just automatically not normal. So I either have a dress made specifically for me in the material I choose, and cut to fit me perfectly - in which case the contention that it's women's clothing makes no sense. Or I buy a dress from the ladies department. Or I wear something that can pass as a religious robe and I claim to be a monk. In any of those scenarios I am the weird one.
So if I don't want to be the weird one, then I go to a little bit more trouble and entirely pretend to be a woman. Then I'm only the weird one if someone finds out I'm faking, and if I do a really good job nobody finds out. I might not have any desire to really be a woman, or even to portray as a woman, but it's a lot safer to do that than to go into the mens bathroom in a west Texas bar wearing a pretty dress and heels.
So a lot of women don't like the idea of their SO looking better than they do. And a lot of guys don't like the idea of their SO making more money than they do. To both I say "get over it." I'm not interested in hearing a bunch of whining about someone else being more successful at something than the whiner is.
Some people are interested in clothes, fashion, and looking nice; others are not interested in that. I'm not going to complain that "most people dress like slobs nowadays." Then somebody might complain about me driving a rickety old rattletrap, and not playing golf. But I do have to agree with Eileen that trying to look 20 years younger and failing miserably is bad. One thing I will complain about here is - why do most outfits made for ladies my age look like they were made from curtain material? Do I have to go to Bulgaria to find something in a wool blend?
And I very much agree with Paulette. There are some women out there who expect that they "deserve" a husband who will hand them a nice house, good income, perfect life and all that just because they are a woman. But there are plenty of hard working, fair minded, decent women too, (often married to a guy who is a worthless slug). A person just needs to keep looking until you find the right person for you, and at least there is much less pressure these days to get married just for the sake of being married.
Honesty is always a good thing. Any society that places customs, appearances, social expectations and the like ahead of honesty will have great deal of trouble. To the extent that we can allow people to say what they really think and want, without fear of condemnation, we will be a lot happier in this life. That goes both ways, if someone is a racist, or hates crossdressers, I would rather they say it out loud so that I know what I'm dealing with, without the PC police shutting them down. Just like I want the freedom to wear the styles I like without getting beaten up. For that reason I do not disagree with the North Carolina bathroom bill - if that's what North Carolina wants, then they should do it - I'll just never go there. (of course that is an over simplification as it doesn't consider all the people under the age of 18 who have no option to leave. And I disagree with it on the basis of its being untenable: since enforcement will either require one to produce their birth certificate before entering a bathroom; or police to make an arrest and then try to compel someone to produce a birth certificate and prove their innocence.) So I say, let all the women who hate crossdressing make their feelings known. That's a whole lot better than them saying nothing and secretly resenting it their whole lives.

[Lacey Hadley]

I'll make just a few observations.

Honesty is always a good thing. Any society that places customs, appearances, social expectations and the like ahead of honesty will have great deal of trouble. To the extent that we can allow people to say what they really think and want, without fear of condemnation, we will be a lot happier in this life. That goes both ways, if someone is a racist, or hates crossdressers, I would rather they say it out loud so that I know what I'm dealing with, without the PC police shutting them down. Just like I want the freedom to wear the styles I like without getting beaten up. So I say, let all the women who hate crossdressing make their feelings known. That's a whole lot better than them saying nothing and secretly resenting it their whole lives.

There are a few inevitable's in life for each and all of us regardless of our abilities, status and wealth.

1: We will each have been born into this world without asking to do so.
2: We as such had no choice in whom our parents, siblings and extended family are.
3: We will go through our lives regardless of how many years we may be entitled to live on this rock, as consumers of products and users of service be they private and/or government.
4: We will each pay our tolls in taxes for what every government and services that may be offered or provided to us. IMO regarding government we should only get as much as we need and as little as required.
5: We will experience all emotions in life, many good, some indifferent and others will be bad experiences.
6: We will in our time pass on.

One thing out of all of this that we all need to wrap our heads around. LIFE IS NOT FAIR, IT NEVER WAS AND IT NEVER WILL BE! Any society that tries to create and or force a life of total fairness will in the end be a failure. If you live your life looking for fairness and equality you will only waste the time you have to live, in such a futile search. GET OVER IT!

Instead of looking for and or demanding fairness and equality it's better in this mixed up world to look for PERSONAL FREEDOM!

Freedom and the search for it in each and all of our lives is separate from fairness and equality. When you accept that your life will not always seem or be fair and equal, YOU THEN BREAK THE BONDS OF SUCH IDEALISM! You in essence become more free. You then live your life to your being and not some unattainable construct.

Now please do not get me wrong, society should always strive for more fairness, more justice and more equality. But only to the point of reality and to never stymie freedom in order to try to get these. As Ralitsa said, people should strive for free speech and free thought and I'll add free association. P.C. culture of this current era is NOT serving us well and only builds resentment. By telling people what to say, what to do and how to think does not liberate us from in justice and unfairness. It does the exact opposite. Ideas, good or bad do not fade away in P.C. censorship. Hate, intolerance and injustice cannot be legislated away. They can be kept quiet for a while until enough people no longer put up with it's censorship.

Yes, I'd rather have women or any persons I know and associate with tell me they do not care for crossdressers than feeling that they should STFU. I can choose to accept this of them and keep my cding away from them or I can choose to leave them as friends, associates and even family if need be. Certainly I would hope and love for them including a spouse to be fair minded and accept me, but I can't force them to be such. As to strangers, I could not care any less for their opinion but only demand they do not interfere with my life and as such to be as free as I can. If they want to call me a pervert, sicko, faggot, queer, sissy, pansy etc. that is their right. Just as I can choose to call them back an idiot, moron, a knuckle dragging moron, hateful idiot and a$$holes etc. If what they say to me hurts me that is my choice to feel hurt. SO BE IT, SUCK IT UP BUTTERCUP!

Now I can choose to try and engage in talk to them and maybe educate them. Maybe they never have talked about crossdressers in such a way. Maybe by talking to me they will see that I'm a just a nice, regular person, living my life and who just has a femme side that wishes to freely be when I crossdress. Their eyes may open and minds expand. If not then we all part ways and go on with each of our lives.

You cannot legislate effectively morality. Society has been too brain washed in doing so in our current era. You cannot legislate how others think. You can legislate laws that punish those who cause injustice and injury too others for no bonifide and logical reasons. If you want to move society forward on all sorts of social type issues, you do so by allowing and engaging free debate and as such educate each other. P.C. is toxic. Let people use commonsense and most of us will be fair minded and not aholes to each other. P.C. only rips societies apart in the end. Legislate laws for actions not ideas and words.