Do you ever disgust yourself?

[Shelby]

A few nights ago my wife stayed over her sisters house and I decided to get dressed up. I didn't go crazy, just the usual stuff but, for some reason when I looked in the mirror at the end of the evening I was disgusted with myself.

I don't know what caused the sudden change in feeling; normally I am okay with how I look and what I am doing but, for some odd reason I just didn't like what was staring back at me in the mirror.
My makeup was all shiny and pasty; I looked like a wax figure or a mannequin. Now before anyone just says that the makeup is what changed my feelings I can assure you that it wasn't just that.

Now I have lost interest in dressing; at least at this very moment. I am hopeful that the desire will return as I was having fun and, believe it or not, the wife seemed to be having fun with it too.

Has anyone else experienced these feelings of self loathing and lost your desire to dress? What did you do and how do I stop it from happening again?

[Jina James]

Short answer: No.

My interest has waxed and waned, however. Yours will return in its own time.

[Stephanie M]

That happens to me from time to time. I get all dolled up and start to feel like there is something wrong with me for doing this. In the past it would cause a purge, but today when I get those bad feelings I do something else and then dress again when I feel up to it.

[Noeleena]

Hi

A females perspective.

There are times I just don't wont to get ready and dressed for a meeting , I pick the clothes I think will look right for the meeting , and when I have done take them off and try some others maybe two or 3 times and then think this will have to do and then do very little makeup = lippy and eye brow liner some perfume and that's it and go, still think ... oh do I have to go . as a member and commitee member I go , so its like well theres detail I have to attend to so yea I go.

Scottish soc ,

I know I,m normaly dressed in my normal day to day wear yet I,m just as happy in shorts and overalls doing workshop detail machiney and timber prep .

I do some times have a I really cant be bothered even when friends come round I,m in overalls working.i like my female clothes and more so my German garb , yet I just wont to do work that's does it matter what I wear, oh and no makeup and do I care ...no...and nore does any one else so many of my women friends are the same ,, I think many of us like time out from having to be all dressed up and just be normal and doing dirty work for a change .or just I cant be bothered .

...noeleena...

[Amanda R]

Did I ever disgust myself? The short answer is yes but not for the reasons you cite. In the beginning after I finally admitted to myself who and what I was I was more disgusted at the male image staring back from the mirror rather than the female I knew was inside me. I was disgusted with the fact I was born in the wrong body and I felt hopelessly trapped. I felt there was no way out of the life I was born into to the life I knew I should be living. Fast forward a few years and after acceptance and love from my family and friends, well some of them, that disgust vanished and turned to joy.

I think we have all days when the mirror is not out friend for a multitude of reasons be it hair, make up, lack of sleep, or just not feeling our best. We are always our worst enemies and I think girls such as yourself Keay so relax and enjoy.

[Anthony Simon]

When I was an adolescent I used go through cycles of dressing up, masturbating, feeling disgusted with myself and then being compelled to dress up again.

There's a voice in my head (derived from my mother in part) which does that sort of stuff - try to make me feel bad about myself - and this was one, very bad, example.

[Eileen (SO)]

When my husband's dressing was still hidden from me, he had little time to reflect on what's this all about. With her own support forum and girlfriends, it all seemed rather normal.
Now than she can spend evenings together, her own closet space, and go out more often, she has thought how weird this behavior is. My words, not hers, I mean weird in the nicest way.

Cross dressing seems more prevalent than I could have ever guessed. Besides all the forums, there are many more out there that either suppress their feelings, or will never admit it. Don't be to hard on your self, Keay. You are more normal than you think. And bless your wife for being supportive. Having a husband that dresses up pretty now and then can be fun.

Eileen

[Shelby]

Eileen thank you for your thoughtful reply; it helps knowing that others have battled with that same feeling and that, while I may occasionally feel like a freak, I am more normal than I realize.

[Lacey Hadley]

I think most males who crossdress, especially when younger say from adolescence through early adulthood struggle with angst, animosity to even disgust. Everybody's younger and more formative years can be hard, adding crossdressing and for most of us a strong sexual, fantasy part can be very hard and confusing.

I've never felt disgust to the point of purging my clothes, throwing away money in doing so kept me from purging. As my life's years pass by I see that I have felt bad, sick, perverted and less of a man at times with my crossdressing. The sexual and fantasy side at times made it feel worse. When I was a teen I figured I'd grow out it adding relationships would help me move beyond my crossdressing. For a while it did, but time ticked by and my feelings of being feminine and love of women's clothes, shoes, boots, lingerie and later makeup and hair just would flood to the front part of my mind. As a man seeing women nicely dressed, nice hair, makeup and oozing femininity took me to places most men go to sexually, but also took me to want to dress up and attempt to feel like that, or how I wanted to see myself as a female be. Sexual gratification and fantasy hetero and bisexual made these feelings harder and more exciting. Yes, like most if not all of us guys who crossdress and masturbate through fantasy or for me at times or to be with a willing female partner, well it's normal to feel blah and angry as a man who is now only wearing women's clothes and the spark of said excitement has passed.

Disgust is not really what I have felt, maybe close to such at times, but more anger and confusion as to why I feel a need to crossdress. Even after all these years I still do not know why, but I try not to beat myself up over it anymore as I know it won't go away. If I try to stop myself from crossdressing I will in short time begin to go nuts. My mind makes me feel more disturbed by any denial than by giving in and and dressing. I can go through relative dry spells, usually if other more pressing life issues in my mind hit the proverbial front burner. But I will always come back to crossdressing, it can be as a feminine joy and pleasure or it can be sexual and even fantasy based, but crosdressing will come back, so I no longer fight it and do my best not hate myself. To me Lacey is

[Hanna]

Wow Lacey, you couldn't have said it better. I almost totally agree with everything you say.
I have felt disgust with myself, and purged probably 5-6 times. No more though. I'm happy to be who I am, and sometimes still wonder why. But my wife understands, and we can joke about it now.
I am happy to go out and gradually do things I would do in drab.
I hate to say it, but I look forward to times when my better goes away for a few days, and can be Hanna 24/7 if I choose. Generally I do choose, maybe 18/7.

It's great to feel feminine, and also be able to walk out of it also. And unlike genetic ladies, I have no fear of walking around solo, at night, new neighborhoods, bars. Being 6'2" and 190 lbs has some advantages.

I now get more "sexual satisfaction" out it probably than before. Not that with having a partner, but an inner feeling, a peace or calm takes over. Gradually as I eel more comfortable with myself, I don't shy away from others, and little by little I can have conversations while in drag.
I feel like I have the best of both worlds.

[Hanna]

Wow Lacey, you couldn't have said it better. I almost totally agree with everything you say.
I have felt disgust with myself, and purged probably 5-6 times. No more though. I'm happy to be who I am, and sometimes still wonder why. But my wife understands, and we can joke about it now.
I am happy to go out and gradually do things I would do in drab.
I hate to say it, but I look forward to times when my better goes away for a few days, and can be Hanna 24/7 if I choose. Generally I do choose, maybe 18/7.

It's great to feel feminine, and also be able to walk out of it also. And unlike genetic ladies, I have no fear of walking around solo, at night, new neighborhoods, bars. Being 6'2" and 190 lbs has some advantages.

I now get more "sexual satisfaction" out it probably than before. Not that with having a partner, but an inner feeling, a peace or calm takes over. Gradually as I eel more comfortable with myself, I don't shy away from others, and little by little I can have conversations while in drag.
I feel like I have the best of both worlds.

[Ralitsa]

I'm not sure if disgust is the right word, but many times I've been disappointed, or dissatisfied, perhaps many years ago maybe there was disgust.

One problem I have is that the picture in my mind of what I want to be, is not at all what I see in the mirror. I was complaining to a friend of mine a while back that I find a cute outfit that looks great on the hanger, think oh this will be great, and then when I put it on I look like a fat old person trying to look cute. Her answer was "that happens to every woman, it happens to me all the time. We're not 25 anymore."

So yeah, probably 3/4 of the time I look in the mirror I'm not impressed by what I see. It could be depressing if one lets it, but it's just life and everyone has to deal with it. I don't wear much make-up now anymore, it feels to me too much like trying to deny reality, failing miserably, and fooling nobody. It's a struggle and I don't like it, but I have to admit that I'm not young and attractive and every year I'm getting further and further away from that. A person can only try to make the best of where they are, and it's not impossible to find a dress that I look good in, it just requires a lot more time shopping - actually that's not such a bad thing after all

[Annie]

I don't think disgust is what I feel more feelings of disappointment. I wonder what I am doing to my family when I am not being the husband she needs or the father and grandfather my kids need. Every time I am alone for a little bit of Annie time I look in the mirror and wonder what is wrong with me. How can I do this to my family? Why do I have to do this? What is it that makes me feel more at ease when I am dressed as Annie? Why am I so selfish? Why am I such a pervert? I have never been so conflicted in my life as I am right now.

[Anthony Simon]

I was complaining to a friend of mine a while back that I find a cute outfit that looks great on the hanger, think oh this will be great, and then when I put it on I look like a fat old person trying to look cute. Her answer was "that happens to every woman, it happens to me all the time. We're not 25 anymore."

.... It could be depressing if one lets it, but it's just life and everyone has to deal with it. I don't wear much make-up now anymore, it feels to me too much like trying to deny reality, failing miserably, and fooling nobody....

I know you're not trying to pass - which is what a CD would normally mean by "fooling nobody", but I'm wondering if you're nevertheless looking at it like a CD. I mean, as I read it, you just want to look nice and feel good about yourself when you dress - in other words pretty much the standard approach of GGs.

So GGs (sometimes) deal with putting on weight by using shapewear and change their makeup (and hairstyle and colour) to give an age-appropriate appearance which nevertheless "improves on reality". They don't see that (as I understand it) fooling anybody, just giving the best account of themselves - and making themselves feel good about how they present.

[Anthony Simon]

I don't think disgust is what I feel more feelings of disappointment. I wonder what I am doing to my family when I am not being the husband she needs or the father and grandfather my kids need. Every time I am alone for a little bit of Annie time I look in the mirror and wonder what is wrong with me. How can I do this to my family? Why do I have to do this? What is it that makes me feel more at ease when I am dressed as Annie? Why am I so selfish? Why am I such a pervert? I have never been so conflicted in my life as I am right now.

Yeah, but why does you dressing as Annie necessarily have to impact on your functionality as a husband and father/grandfather? The sense I have of you is not of someone who's going to transition or suddenly have the "male" part of you disappear. Rather it seems to me likely to always be there, available when you (and others) need it.