THE OFFICIAL: How to Tell Your Wife - A Manual of Love

[GalicianGirl(SO)]

I found this article under the Gendertree and I wanted to share it with everyone that might not have read it. It's a wonderful article written by Jane Ellen Fairfax. I don't think anyone could put it more beautifully.

"How can I muster the courage to tell my wife about my crossdressing?

Will she reject me, or even leave me?" These questions trouble many crossdressers. In communicating with their wives, they use a variety of methods. How a crossdresser informs his wife directly influences the wife’s response to his "woman within." Based on observed patterns of wives’ responses, several suggestions come to mind. Naturally, no one approach can be guaranteed to work for any given couple. My suggestions will read like a Manual for Love.

Should a crossdresser tell his wife about his crossdressing? Almost always! Revealing his feminine side shows a belief in the sacred trust that is the basis of marriage. The decision to hide his femininity entails a willingness either to submerge the "woman within" or to spend much time and energy deceiving those he loves. Submerging the feminine self, moreover, simply does not work. Mounting frustration leads to subconscious resentments, which are dumped on the unsuspecting wife in the form of unrelated quarrels. And can manifest in psychological and physical effects on the crossdresser, depression and medical problems. This suffering hardly seems fair to the wife, who was given no chance to understand or accept. Thus the crossdresser may precipitate the very divorce he fears. It is true that informing a wife will occasionally lead to divorce. But if so, the marriage was usually in poor shape anyway. Ralph Waldo Emerson’s concept of a friend was "someone with whom I can be sincere." The crossdresser’s wife must be his friend.

Before sharing his feminine side with his wife, the crossdresser should have a reasonable insight into his own feminine self. Such insight may be gained by studying the works of such researchers as Drs. Vern Bullough, Richard Docter, Roger Peo, Virginia Prince and Peggy Rudd. Publications such the Femme Mirror and the Sweetheart Connection are excellent sources of information.

The crossdresser should take care to avoid certain approaches that have resulted in much grief. A wife’s response is largely determined by how and when she is informed of her husband’s crossdressing. Most wives respect honesty; indeed, they are entitled to it. Some crossdressers feel it less threatening to understate their crossgender behavior as a mere "hobby." Perhaps it may seem so over the short term, but wives later feel deceived when feminine traits emerge that transcend the "hobby" concept. Other crossdressers simply allow their wives to discover their feminine clothes. The natural wifely reaction to this copout is to feel betrayed by her husband’s "unfaithfulness." When the wife discovers that the "other woman" is really he, she feels made to appear a fool. And guess who will be the target of her resulting anger!

Sandra’s comment, when clothing or other items are “discovered” you lose the initiative and are into damage control. This is also one of the prime reasons to tell in a planned manner. It is also wise to obtain the help of a professional councelor familiar with gender issues in this process.

As crossdressers we should stress one central fact: We are more than our clothes! Far more important than the clothing is the fact that we are males who have been fortunate enough to discover a softer, feminine side to our personalities. Crossdressing, then, is simply a means of self-expression. Deep down, most women dislike the "macho" standards under which males in our society are raised. Women tend to be sensitive and empathetic, and appreciate these traits in men. They appreciate the concept of expressing mood and self-image in what they wear. At various times, they may feel "pretty" or "sporty" or "sexy" or "outdoorsy" or "elegant," and dress accordingly. Surely it is logical for them to reject the double standard that denies men this freedom of expression.

The crossdresser should present his "woman within" as a positive asset. For she is! Feelings of guilt, placed on crossdressers by an ignorant, hostile society, have little place in the vital process of communication between the crossdresser and his wife. How can the crossdresser possibly ask his wife to encourage "her" when he himself has trouble accepting "her?" Before revealing his feminine side to his wife, he should take note of the differences "she" has made in his life. Has "she" made him more careful of his appearance, more free to express his emotions, more sensitive and empathic, more understanding of his wife’s feelings and needs, and more aware of color and beauty?

Has he developed new interests and skills? Has he grown closer to God? As the crossdresser shares these assets with his wife, she will realize that her husband is still the same dear person she fell in love with and married. He has only grown.

Communication with our wives should be an exercise in empathy.


Always we should strive to put ourselves in our wives’ place. Fears of homosexuality or transsexuality should be dealt with honestly - as soon as possible. Concerns about children, job, and life goals should be explored together. Our wives are our partners. Regardless of our desires, our wives and families will have to bear the social cruelty that can come with having a crossdressing husband and father. Many wives, moreover, will be troubled by inner conflicts that are every bit as important as our own. Most of them did not ask to be placed into this maelstrom. It is our sacred duty to communicate with our wives, to make decisions with them, and to understand them.

Sharing our feminine side with our wives does not end with mere words.

As we live our femininity, sharing continues. Rather than try to outshine our wives, we should grow with them in the feminine experience. Of course, there are some things such as menstrual cramps, childbirth, and breast feeding that we can share only vicariously. The best we can do about these biological functions is to respond in love. Unless we live full time enfemme, we may never know wage discrimination. But we can join our sisters in fighting it wherever it exists. Being a crossdresser entails some sacrifice. We must avoid retreating into a macho double standard. Nothing seems to disgust wives more than a "man in a dress." Much more important than perfecting feminine mannerisms is developing a lively appreciation for beauty in nature, art, music, and literature, and, yes, those very feminine skills of cooking, sewing, interior decorating, housecleaning, and grocery shopping. Our wives will be much more encouraging if they perceive that we are willing to buy, as far as is possible, the whole feminine package.

Finally, we should remember that our wives need us as men. Everyone has heard the tired refrain of rejecting wives: "I married a man!" So many times it has been used to imprison men in society’s masculine straitjacket. Yet it has a modicum of validity. We, who are more secure than average in our masculinity, should provide the masculine strength our wives need from us. That includes letting them, as far as they can, participate in the masculine side of our lives. It means being considerate husbands and devoted fathers. If we fulfill well our roles as husbands, our wives will grow more comfortable with us as sisters.

[Virginia]

Sharon, thanks so much for making this article available. Although I have climbed out of the closet, I hope my wife will read it. So much truth in it:
"...."his woman within as a positive asset. For she is!"
"As we live our femininity. sharing continues."
This is where I am and I hope a lot of my sisters strive for this, it is more, much more than dressing, it is exposing the beautiful feminine aspects and sharing them with everyone that you come in contact with.
Love,
Deborah

[Erica Shade]

Each day I try to live life encompassing the values in the essay above. It is hard sometimes, as the man in me takes over a lot. It is not easy being ladylike all the time. If I could find that gracious women within myself more often, I think I could explain my cding to my wife a lot better. I really appreciated reading that article.

Nuff Luv,

Erica Shade

[Jennifer]

Thank you for posting that Sharon. It never occured to me in my earlier years but my crossdressing has made me think about the more important things in life and in particular my relationship with my wife. As my softer side emerged the negative masculine traits I had slowly disappeared. I don't watch any kind of violent movie or TV show and I find anything that depicts violence against women very disturbing. I quit watching sports years ago and now watch a lot of home decorating, gardening and landscaping shows. These are things we do together and is a good balance between my male and female sides. There is a comical bit to this though, she looks through the hardware store flyers while I go through the fashion pages of the Sears catalogue.

Jenn

[Bonnie]

Sharon: Thank you sooo much for posting this article. I have been trying for what seems like forever to tell my girlfriend about my secret life. While I love her very much, she has had a lot of problems in her life with an abusive father, abusive ex husband, and the real topper is an uncle that had a sex change and tore the whole family apart. She is EXTREMLY judgmental, and holds a grudge forever. I know this article has really opened my eyes, and as soon as the time is right, I now have a lot more information on how to approach the subject. Thanx again Sharon.
Big Hugs, Bonnie

[Shirley(SO)]

Hello,

I am new to this forum. I found out about my SO's crossdressing after 19 years of marrage. This was not the only mistake the person made. She hid the clothes in the back of the closet, went around dressed in the neighborhood while I was at work, borrowed my shoes and makeup, for starters. She showed up at my work dressed on Halloween and after her parents were both dead, she anounced " Now I can dress as much as I want."
I would NOT RECOMEND letting your other half find out this way.

[Estefania]

Shirley,

I'm really sorry for how things went with your SO.

I guess that it is yet another proof on how wrong is the myth about how "All CD's are loving and caring individuals".

A jerk will be a jerk, regardless of what he/she wears, same as a loving caring individual should be loving and caring regardless of the clothes.

Gaby

[RaeLouise]

It has often been said that we as crossdressers are often our own worst enemy.

I know a few cders who seem to care about nobody but themselves. On the other hand, I know 10 times more who are very loving and caring indivudials in either gender they portray.

[Laura Ashcroft]

I have no one right now, and I am dressed. If I were to find an SO, I would not tell her. I wouild continue to date her and not tell her until talks of marriage came up. No one needs to know, and the damage it can do to your life is imeasureable. I do agree, before marrying someone, they need to know. Marriage is forever, and you need to know everything about that other person, and they need to know you, but it is not something that should be shared. There is just too much hatred, prejudice, and moral intolerance for our kind to let it out. I read the posts of the SO's on this site. I hope someday to find a girl like you all. Dressing I do in private, and I can keep it that way. I am thinking that is a better way to do it. What other people think DOES matter, as they can trash your life.

[Jean]

I know that one of the popular explanations, now-a-days, about why we crossdress, is that we have this feminine side of our personality which is wasnting to come out. Whereas I can't say that it isn't true, I don't believe it is true for me.

I am very much a man. I am even fairly macho. I have manly thoughts. I have manly ambitions. I have manly interests, generally. I have no particular claim to having this softer side to my nature. I just think it's a heck of a turn-on to put on sexy frilly feminie clothes, and I've been doing this around fifty years, or so.

Now, I know that many CDs claim that macho type CDs try to be extra macho, inorder to compensate for their feminine side. This may well be true for some. It may even be true for many, but I don't believe it is true for me.

I am what I am. I don't believe there is a girl within. There's just this guy who loves to wear pretty feminine things. I don't wear them all the time, and I don't wear them in public. No one else knows of my interest (I hope) except for my wife. I tend to keep it quiet, buit I still love dressing up. Wow! What a turn-on!

I suspect that their are some CDs who claim the "born with it" inner woman, softer feminine side, who make that claim simply to relieve themselves of any responsibility for their own proclivities. Others, I suspect, accept that explanation simply because they don't have any other explanation, and it sounds like as good a theory as any, and better than most. It very likely is true for most Cds. It may even be true for me. But, I don't think i is.

I I do believe, though, that no matter what your personal theory is, as to why you crossdress, it is far better to tell you wife, or SO about it as soon as the relationship grows serious. If you tell them about it the right way, most women, I think, will accept it, even if they don't understand it. (After all, why should they be expected to understand it, when we don't ourselves?) But, if they find out be accident, whether for good reason, or not, they almost always feel betrayed and shocked.

So... Find a way to tell her as soon as you feel that the relationship may become a permanent one. At least, that way, after you're married, she can't say, "How was I to know that you liked to do that?"

[Lucia]

hi sharon,i want learn this to my wife,very interesting,

few mounth ago ,i hav tell my wife about my CDs,
ofter 39 Y i have show her a big secret,
we can say our marriage grow best now.

Kiss and Hug
Lucia

[Stephanie H]

Suzzy:
I as a CD'er agree with you. There needs to be boundries set, and the must be agreed upon by both parties. They can not be one sided. Each must understand the limits and most importantly, I feel, the CD'er must not push the envelope by their own initiative.
Good luck on your journey.

[Carol Ann]

Yes there are rules, my wife will let me dress everyday and 24/7 if it pleases me. But she puts her foot down about going out in public.

[Jess(SO)]

Sharon,
What a fantstic article, Perhaps now many cdrs will begin to understand the agony that the wife/partner that knew nothing about his cding goes through when they find out, it may also help the sO's to understand the fears from cdr's point of view.

In my case the anger about being decieved was upermost in the beginning, his "I tried to tell you just couldn't find the right time" came across s a lot of sh*t or the other one " I was trying to protect you" ba**ocks" He was protecting himself and yes further down the line I can sort of understand what he was saying, maybe not agree with his reasoning, but hey we each do what we feel we have to at that moment in time.

Acceptance and understanding may not be immediate or ever in any given situation in relationships, but it sure has more chance of coming to fruition if we are honest with each other in all areas of our relationship.

Thanks again Sharon
Jess

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

In my case the anger about being decieved was upermost in the beginning, his "I tried to tell you just couldn't find the right time" came across s a lot of sh*t or the other one " I was trying to protect you" ba**ocks" He was protecting himself and yes further down the line I can sort of understand what he was saying, maybe not agree with his reasoning, but hey we each do what we feel we have to at that moment in time.

Not to say your anger wasn't justified, but perhaps an analogy might help you understand his thinking. I know a lot of women who keep secrets from their mothers -- in part because they don't want to have to deal with them about whatever the secret is, but also because they genuinely don't want their mothers to worry, get upset, etc.

Yes, self-interest is often a big part of it, but I think women under-estimate how much it's drummed into men's head that they're supposed to "protect" women. Admittedly, it's a sexist assumption, but it's one that fathers and mothers often instilled (and still do) in their sons, especially those of us how grew up a few decades ago.