THE OFFICIAL: How to Tell Your Wife - A Manual of Love

[Loy B(SO)]

Sharon,
Excellent post. Very well done. Wise words of wisdom that I hope everyone will listen to!

[DonnaT]

An article by Linda Kaye

Over the years, both Vanessa and I have been asked by numerous crossdressers about how to tell their wives and partners of their transgendered (femme) side. They seem to think that we can provide a "magic wand" for them, or that we hold the "secret" that will make everything just right.

The truth is that there is no magic wand or secret to telling your partner. You are taking a chance in opening up your entire being to the person who is most important in your life. You are opening the last closet door, and in doing so, you may end up losing this special person, or drastically affecting your relationship with her. If you feel that this relationship is important to you, it is a risk worth taking.

This may sound very frightening, but then, you are already frightened. It is a big step, a big chance you will be taking. However, the failure to tell your partner about your real self could be the the greater risk. In addition, until such time as you and your partner have totally opened up to one another, true intimacy will not be possible.

There can be a bright side to all of this, if you take the necessary steps to prepare yourself to tell her. Here are some thoughts and possible guidelines for you.

First, and foremost, you need to be secure in yourself, accepting all that you are, including your feminine side. The transgendered person who cannot accept him or herself can never convince his or her partner to accept. Self-acceptance is a major key, for it gives you the strength to take the chance. If you have inner peace and integrity, as Ms. Katafiasz writes in her booklet, then you have the best life can offer you. You will reflect this to all you meet, and your self-liking will come across to your partner as you tell her. You are special, you are unique and your transgenderism is a rare gift. If you share this with her in this manner, it is a major start to her understanding you.

Furthermore, you need to prepare yourself for the time when you will tell her. If you are transgendered, then learn all you can about transgenderism. There are endless books written on the subject, and by reading them, attending conferences, programs and seminars, which are offered throughout the year and the country by different segments of the transgendered community, you absorb knowledge about who you are. You learn more about yourself, and in doing so, you move to self-acceptance. It is like the circle of the wedding ring - you never reach the end, for the circle is never-ending. Such is learning...you are an open vessel, continually needed refilling.

As you learn more about yourself, also begin to learn about the partners of other transgendered men who have learned to tolerate and accept. There are more and more books being written about being the partner of a transgendered person, and there are books written specifically to couples in such relationships. Do not obtain these books to give to your partner; read them first, so that you can be able to talk to her about what she will eventually read. Contact the authors, if you have questions or comments and attempt to assimilate what they have written into your presentation to your partner.

Know your partner. Look logically at the relationship and think about how telling her about your crossdressing is going to affect it. Be compassionate to her needs: Take into account the pressures of her life, be they professional stress, children, family issues, financial boundaries.

Love your partner by trying to find ways to help her with her life pressures and understand that in telling her, you may be adding to her burdens. Will this new burden be too much?

Look honestly at the communication you share with her. Do you talk about real issues or do you brush them under the rug to avoid conflict? Ask yourself if there is anything else that you are hiding from her, for that will be one of her very first questions. Be ready to answer questions about your sexuality and your sexual orientation, and be honest in your answers. Do not try to cover up or lie to her. This is the time for total honesty. You would expect that from her, so why should not you be willing to do the same?

When you tell her, we suggest that you do not just blurt out that you are a transvestite or transgendered person. Prepare your words carefully. Explain to her that there is a side of you that has been with you all your life and which you had previously not told her about. When she asks why, be truthful. Most likely, you will tell her that you were afraid that you might lose her. Be prepared when she is unwilling to buy that reason. In her eyes, she will not understand how she could have been in such an intimate relationship with you and not known about this side of you. She may be resentful, and rightly so.

Try to explain your feelings about wearing feminine attire. She may be unable to fully understand what you feel, but she might be able to comprehend some of it. If you have tried to purge in the past, tell her this, and tell her how it did not work. If you have been to counseling, tell her this, too. If she wants to go to counseling, be open to the idea. Keep open the doors to her, and to your relationship. Tell her (and show her) that you have obtained educational materials about transgenderism, and the issues facing a couple in such a relationship and ask her if she would be willing to read them. Do not force them on her.

Be patient! This is a major blow to her sense of intimacy. Do not expect her to jump up and throw her arms open in grateful acceptance. Instead, ask her to leave the doors of communication open, make yourself available always to her for questions or discussion. Do not insist on dressing in front her until she specifically asks that you do so. And do not insist that she attend a support group meeting or try to force her to attend a partners support group meeting. Instead, simply make the options available to her.

Lastly, make sure that she knows how much you love her and how important your relationship is. Make it very clear that she is not the cause of your transgenderism. In fact, if you are like most other crossdressers, the reason for your femme side is unknown and unclear. Your partner may feel that she is somehow lacking in femininity. It is vitally important that you reassure her that this is not the case, and to you, she is a beautiful, desirable woman and the most important person in your life.

None of this will guarantee her acceptance but it gives you a valid start. The acceptance has to come from within her; it cannot be forced. Give her time, give her love and give her reassurance that you are still the man she fell in love with, and that your femme side is simply another unique part of your wholeness.

[DonnaT]

An article by Julie Freeman

Telling

I was asked recently about the best way to tell a significant other that one is a crossdresser. Oh boy, I thought. Is this not a loaded question! What works for one does not work for another. That we know. Just recently a significant other mentioned that she found out when her husband suddenly appeared in bed "en femme." Although she was shocked, she also found it erotic! Since then, she and her husband have had long talks and their lives have taken a turn for the better. He is happier than he has been in years and she has discovered that their poor relationship for the past few years was not her fault, but due to his guilt and shame over his desire to crossdress. So it worked out for her, but for many women, finding out in this manner would be the final blow to a frail relationship already strained by secrets and moodiness.

We know that significant others when first finding out about their partner's crossdressing react in a variety of ways: shocked, disbelieving, curious, understanding, puzzled, bewildered, angry, amused, fearful, embarrassed, interested, resentful, concerned, etc. Some are positive reactions; others negative.

So if a crossdresser wishes to tell his significant other he should know at the outset she can react in a variety of ways. If he knew ahead of time that she would react positively then it would not matter so much how he were to tell her. But this of course is impossible. So a few guidelines might be helpful.

It would be beneficial for him to have on hand some books or magazines on crossdressing especially those geared towards significant others. There are also support groups for SO's on-line and he might want to have available those e-mail addresses for her to make contact if she should so desire. He should also be aware of any local support groups and/or helping therapists for the both of them. This means that the crossdresser has to have done his homework; he should not tell her unprepared to answer questions she may have.

He should not tell her on the spur of the moment. It should be at a time when there is plenty of time for him to explain and for her to ask questions. It should be done privately, not where children, for example, might burst in on them. He should not tell her when she has an important conference the next day or is starting a new job, etc.

He should prepare her first by telling her he has something important to talk to her about and that he would like to explain quietly and then have her ask questions. He should NOT be crossdressed nor should he blurt out without any preamble, "I like to wear women's clothes." She needs to be prepared that she is going to be listening to something of extreme importance to her partner. She is more likely to receive the information positively if she is prepared beforehand - not surprised suddenly. He needs to appear that he is not out of control.

What is most important is that the crossdresser realize that she may react one way one day and one way another day. She will have her ups and downs and he needs to give her space - that means time to understand, time to come to grips with crossdressing, and time to incorporate crossdressing into their relationship in a positive manner. This means that his desires and his needs may need to be put on the "back burner" so to speak. He needs to progress at her rate and not put any pressure on her to see him crossdressed or even see pictures of him crossdressed. He definitely should not assume that because she appears NOT to react negatively that she is fine with it. She may be internalizing her feelings and not actually showing her misgivings.

He needs to be aware of her concerns and reactions. Why did he not tell her before? What about the children? Is he gay? Does he want to become a woman? Is he going to want to crossdress around the house? Is he going to go out crossdressed? All of these questions and more are sailing around in her head. He needs to know his own answers to these questions before he tells her and he also needs to realize where she is coming from.

This means that he has to be prepared for her setting forth some guidelines and considerations for her needs and concerns. He may or may not want restrictions but this may be an outcome if their relationship is to continue. He may also have to be prepared for her being unwilling to continue the relationship - that it is just too much for her to bear. But hopefully he has already decided that keeping the secret is just too much for him to bear and that if this is her reaction then so be it.

There is no easy answer to this question. But certainly being prepared is a necessary first step.
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[ShamrockFaerie(SO)]

These are some beautiful posts and I feel fortunate to have read them.

I know (and most of YOU know) that for me, the hardest thing has been forgiving my husband for the lies and betrayal. The anger is fading now, and I am starting to understand that I need to focus on my family's future, not my husband's past. So I'm working through it.

I told my husband the other day (when he was trying to explain and/or excuse the lies and deception) that in our specific situation his fears were groundless, and if he had honestly thought about who I am and my experiences, he'd have realized that this is something I can MORE THAN accept. Since I am a bisexual woman who gave up sex and relationships with other women so that I could marry a man, I asked him if he even thought that him being a CDer ever might actually HELP me in the relationship. He said he never even thought of looking at things from my POV, and that he wished he could have been more logical about it.

I think alot of CDers (especially those who identify purely sexually and don't see themselves as having a "girl within") see their CDing as something selfish and wrong. It seems more like an encumberance than a gift to them. So they hide in shame and self loathing, and no matter how accepting their families might be or what their REAL circumstances are, they ALWAYS assume the worst, because they already think the worst of themselves. This causes pain for EVERYONE involved, including the CDer, and it's destructive. If all CDers could read these articles and truly understand what they are doing to the people they supposedly love (including themselves) when they hide and lie, I think there would be alot more happy, stable families that include CDers. I'm going to ask my husband to read this thread as soon as he gets home.

Thank you all so much for all of the insights you've shared. I love this board!

-Tiffany

[Sandra Jane]

I don't think I could ever tell my wife I have to hide all my clothes.
I am sure it will be the end our marrage if I told her.

[Wendae]

I've read many of the posts and agree that each situation is different and has different outcomes. They ain't all happy unfortunately!
There are those of us that have tried unsuccessfully over many years(44) and just don't want the confrontations anymore. The hurt on both sides and the silences. I agree that you should be up front with your SO ASAP. If it is a grudging acceptance chances of it getting better ain't good. In my opinion you should drop the subject, keep it to yourself and take advantage of oppertunities as they present themselves. It won't be easy and could lead to problems down the road. The alternatives are obvious.
I understand how the SO's feel about the deceit but most of us hate the idea of confrontation and rejection and really don't want to hurt you. We aren't insensitive s.o.b.s. We are well aware of what will result if it comes to light.
I have some freedoms that are enough to keep me sane. I recently got my SO to join the Forum. She looked once and has never gone back. It crushed my hopes again. Time's passing me by maybe in the next life......
I'm sure I'll get some flack about my suggestion but it's my opinion.

[Wendae]

I am very much a man. I am even fairly macho

Jean some of us feel pretty much the same way. I was never into girlie things. Female chit-chat. I don't like frilly or lacy clothing. Not crazy over pink. I no longer feel like dressing 24/7. When I do get a chance to dress I do it as well as I can. I like to look nice, smell good and feel good for my own benifit. I prefer a reserved or business look in keeping with my age. As many have said it is a calming time. When it's possible to get out and feel free that is a real rush.
Here we are a community of all different backgrounds, tastes and degrees of CDing. There's a lot to learn and to share.

[Anouk]

I have been married with my wife for six years and told her about Anouk last year. The necessity of telling her grew when my mind was more and more working with crossdressing things, usually at the computer. So she noticed my absence and thought I had another woman (which I in a way really had...).

I have misinterpreted her attitudes so I thought crossdresssing would be a turn off for her. That was not the case, she was totally ok with the matter. But the worst thing for her was the mistrust I have had, not to tell her earlier. It has been impossible for her to understand how hard and frightening it is to tell this thing that has almost always been in me and until then. It has been "the thing that can never bee told to anyone". I have been married once before and have two already grown up children without telling enyone. So that kind of double life is a habit taht is very hard to break.

[Rikki]

Don't know if this has already been posted, but here is a great interview with the author of My Husband Betty and several other couples.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=grq-AJE9 ... re=related

Probably a great video for all to watch, both CD's and SO's

Rikki

[Kittie]

I got found out with a bra about 8 years ago & have used one ever since but I am now fully out to my wife and wear full female attire most evening at home and often unisex all day. I asked her cold I wear a skirt etc and she accepted it. She has even given me some tops for my own use and bought me a nightie and advised me on sizes

[Paulette]

A fine, fine letter!

I wrote a post similar to DonnaT's to a new member (Judith) who has discovered her husband's secret and has come to this forum to find answers and assurance from us. This is a new twist: the wife knows, but the CD husband doesn't know she knows. (I wonder how many couples spend their lives in that situation.) I hope I've done half as well as Donna T's first post here.

Paulette

[Paulette]

Tiffany (SO) said:

I told my husband the other day (when he was trying to explain and/or excuse the lies and deception) that in our specific situation his fears were groundless, and if he had honestly thought about who I am and my experiences, he'd have realized that this is something I can MORE THAN accept. Since I am a bisexual woman who gave up sex and relationships with other women so that I could marry a man, I asked him if he even thought that him being a CDer ever might actually HELP me in the relationship. He said he never even thought of looking at things from my POV, and that he wished he could have been more logical about it.

Yes! This point of view has rarely been expressed here, so I'll expand upon it. I know what I say may be shocking to some of you, but I believe you may still find it worthwhile.

I'm in my third marriage, and she was/is bi-sexual and polyamorous, and had explored bdsm long before we met. My CD to her is largely a 'feature' rather than a 'bug'. Even so, as does every partner, she needed to know that she was desirable to me, that she was not a beard for my own bi tendencies, and that I'd continue to love her no matter where my CD took me. Likewise, I needed to know that I was desirable to her, that I was not just a reliable storm in her port, and that she would love me and hold me as her 'primary' no matter who else she came to love.

True, one can never know these things as fact, but one can consciously develop and nurture faith and trust - even though both of us have abandonment issues, and both due to childhood abuse.

Now, we have a very stable though highly emotional mono marriage, without significant (to us) kinks. We've each (and together) been approached by other poly and/or bi friends and, with love and respect, we each made an apology that "we aren't ready for that yet," and suggested that maybe later it might be okay. We both respect and understand perfectly well that one always has more trouble with one's partner's poly than with one's own poly, that love is not necessarily limited or a "zero-sum" game, and that the concept of poly requires people to be more (not less) adult, as well as super-good about scheduling one's time and super-sensitive about loyalty to and primacy with one's partner.

So, we are not swingers, bath house trollers, predators, or recruiters. Sharing and indulging each other's kinks (deviations from vanilla sexuality) is both our pleasure and our joy. It makes us stronger for having to have worked these things through. CD is just one such "thing," and not even the most significant one.

In my two previous marriages I explained my CD long before we were married. My first wife accepted it because it was kinky and dirty to her, and only much later revealed in a burst of resentment and anger, and even hatred, that she had always thought I was a pervert and had intensely disliked herself for being excited by it. My second wife understood it intellectually but could not accept it emotionally - my CD was always to her a reflection on herself and her inadequacies. I could never convince her otherwise, even though we were married for decades and I suppressed and kept my CD a secret for her comfort.

I wasn't mature or experienced enough then to have helped them through it. It's also equally possible that they wouldn't have been able to go there, regardless. I loved them both and will forever regret that our perceptions and expectations of each other were not reconcilable.

Finding love, partnership, and happiness are sometimes distinctly separate things. They have to be nurtured and tended to as if they were your most important life tasks. They are. And unlike formula novels and movies, they almost never happen by chance or all at the same time. One's CD is secondary, no matter how compulsive, no matter how much one wishes to be or thinks of oneself as another gender.

It is a truism that every love is to some extent narcissistic, and that one can never accept or love another unless one also accepts and loves oneself. But pure self-love can never be reciprocated. Treasure your partner.

[Vanesa M]

Sharon,
Many thnx for posting this article,,my wife knows,, and is fairly ok wirh it,,but i hope this article will help her to better understand,,,,,,,,,

[Gina L.]

What a thought provoking and helpful post Sharon and some of the replies equally so. It will take some time to digest them and apply it to my own situation. It is the most comprehensive advice I have come across

[Rachele Jo]

Thanks for posting this. The article and a lot of the comments are very informative. It gave me a lot to think about.