dressing in front of our spouse

[Absaroka]

Here is something I don't understand. I read here from time to time about men dressing in front of their wives, usually after they first come out, and how their wives hate it, are in tears, and so on. When I try to imagine dressing in front of my wife and visualize her reaction (I doubt she'd be in tears but would likely be annoyed) it removes all desire to dress in front of her. Why would anyone want to dress in front of someone if their mere choice of clothing is going to reduce this person they love to tears?

Now I am not talking here about the person who is realizing that they are in fact a woman, need SRS, and so on. Although I suspect that these people are laying a lot more groundwork for everything than a conversation and a dress. I'm talking about the man who has some side of himself he feels is best expressed by wearing womens clothing, who may even have whatever it is when people say a "femme side" but who is basically a man and wants to stay that way.

Okay I understand about experimentation, seeing how they will react. Or sharing a side of ourselves that was until now secret. But doing it a 2nd time? Why? It seems to me that at that point half the spouses anguish comes from the obviousness of the husbands oblivion to their wifes feelings. A bit like asking your wife and your mistress to become friends.

All of which is a big part of the reason I don't talk about this a whole lot with my wife.

I know there is a whole lot of hypocrisy in this post after all I am lying to her.......and there are a lot of other sides to this issue. But I was struck by one of the new SO posts and kept thinking that if I got dressed to go out and left my wife in tears that it would be a sign of much bigger issues than crossdressing, one of them being my own self centeredness.

Probably got everyone mad here. No apology.

Absaroka

[Anita]

Hi Absaroka--
It is a very difficult situation, and nobody seems to win at the beginning. After years of denial, it's very hard to think that what I've revealed is so horrible that no one would ever want to see it a second time.

On the other hand, I haven't been happy when someone else reveals themselves in some other way, and I don't welcome that new self. I just want them to take that part and go away.

Not a positive post, but I've been on both sides of this. We all know there's no easy answer, when unexpected new behaviors show up in someone close to us.

[KimberlyS]

Absaroka, I agree with you on many points of this. I think one reason this happens is because we as people have trouble communicating our feelings verbally. It becomes a show and not tell instead of talking about it from both sides. No I am not even close to the perfect communicator. But I will tell you that what little I have improved has greatly improved our marriage relationship. Yes it was not easy and I have a long way to improve, but the work has been worth it.

kim
joe in a skirt

[Sully]

Hi Absaorka,
tha beginning can be a bit nervous but I started out wearing thongs and pantyhose on Sathurday night and that worked out OK, one night I dressed in bra, corset and stockings, my wife was a bit surprised at first but she really enjoyed it and now I dress up most weekends at night...
It has really put the spark back in our relationship and we are having more fun then ever! We have been married 15 years and still are very much in love...

[KimberlyS]

Sully I am glad it works for you and your wife in the bedroom. For many of our wifes it does not.

kim
joe in a skirt

[Virginia]

First, a bit off topic, but for any of our sisters considering "springing" this new you on your previously uninformed spouse by showing up "dressed" for her first view! DON'T!!!!!!!!!

Now addressing the audience aspect, I would not think that most GG's like to get dressed with one or even more other GG's either dressing as well or just supervising or watching. For a wife = GG to watch her male counterpart = spouse, transform from a caterpillar into a butterfly (and in some cases, a butterfly that looks better than she, as a GG, looks ) well it can be traumatic.

As we all know each GG handles (or doesn't) our feminine emergence in their own way and some not so good to those that see us a the sister they never had to as it was expressed to me at my first outing party several years ago when I was told and I have to paraphrase, but to the effect. "It's "bitches" like you that make us GG's have to work so hard to look good!" It was actually one of the nicest compliments I have ever gotten, but a lot of GG's do have a competitive aspect and will compete in the presentation arena constantly. When they come up against stiff competition (no comments!) and the competition can beat them at their own game - yeah! they can get emotional and you know the old adage.
"Hell, hath no fury like a woman scorned!" or beaten at her own game, so to speak.

Point is most GG's regardless of their acceptance level seem to have trouble getting their minds around our transformation. Once we have made the transformation, it just seems to be a bit easier for them (well those that accept us) easier for them to swallow the whole thing.

OK, OK, I'm blond, I don't have to make complete sense!!

Love,

Virginia

[Elizabeth]

Hi Absaroka,

I have a few things I would like to add to this discussion.

First, I believe that everyone is self-centered. We all have a secret plan for our own survival. Selfish or self-centered are words people use when we either will not or do not desire to do what they want. I do not believe that anyone, even a spouse, has the right to tell anyone what they may or may not do. What makes their need to control what one does, not a selfish act?

No one can make us happy. We have to do that for ourselves. And no one should be responsible for anyone else's happiness. When we agree to marry someone and share our lives, we are not agreeing to give them control over us. We are agreeing to share our lives. It is not selfish to act in one's own self interest. If a person needs to dress to be happy, than they have that right and no one has a right to veto it.

Of course it's a double edge sword because the person who dresses does not control how their SO will respond to that. They may choose to leave. It is not selfish for them to act in their own self interest.

Now I am probably not a good person to speak for crossdressers, since I am admittedly transsexual, but I do have an opinion as to why some cders might want their SO's to see them dressed.

It's about "the lie". Virtually all of us have spent some time hiding who and what we are. Not being our authentic self. When we finally get over the hurdles and come out to our loved ones it is to give up "the lie". The lie damages not just those we deceived, but it does a great deal of damage to us personally.

How can we feel good about anything when we know we are keeping a secret? So once the secret is out, we want acceptance. Which of course, we do not control. But if our SO can accept this part of us, there is no lie. No guilt. No shame.

When we are asked to keep it secret or private, we are accepting that this is so bad that it must be kept secret. It's so bad that we are so offensive that the one who is supposed to love us the most, will be horrified.

So if we can not dress in front of our SO, we are accepting guilt and shame. This leads to low self esteem, which most of us already either have a problem with, or have had a problem with. Again, because of the secrecy. It's a constant reminder that we are a bad person.

When I have a blemish or a bruise, or swollen eyes from allergies, it's not very flattering to look at. In fact some people can have acne that is downright hard to look at. But we don't ask our SO or ourselves to keep it private because it's offensive. It's a part of who we are. Just as crossdressing is a part of who we are. It's not a changeable aspect of ourselves, so we are not served by hiding from it.

Out of sight, out of mind. But it never ends up working that way. It ends up with everyone feeling bad. So when I see cders trying to get acceptance, I understand the reason. I know why it's so important. It's so we can stop hiding "the lie" and have some respect for ourselves. Only then can we respect others.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Kimberly Kael]

Elizabeth brings up most of the points I would have (very nicely, too!) The main thing I'd add is that making a habit of hiding things from your wife can lead to other relationship problems down the road. If you think you can't share this part of you, what else can't you share? And who do you share it with? And do you feel closer to them than your committed partner as a result?

Not an ideal path. I think being able to share everything ultimately leads to a healthier relationship, but only if both people can come to terms with the reality of their situation.

[Carol Ann]

All I can say is my wife has no problem of me dressing in front of her, this morning she was talking to me as I gone my makeup. I just have to be careful about my breast size as she is funny about that.

[Willie W]

I started out slow by wearing only panties or stockings once in a while.
Then I added a skirt, a nightgown, etc.
I've really had no problems dressiing in front of my wife. Sometimes I can tell she gets a little annoyed with me. But it's usually because I've bought something when we couldn't afford it or she's just not in the mood.
For the most part, it's fine with her. We shop for clothes together, and we dress up together. In fact, she's become more interested in fashion since I've been dressing.
The most important thing, at least for us, is to keep the mood light. We both can laugh at and tease each other about our outfits and sometimes see outragious we can get in our choices of clothes. The sex isn't bad either.

[April Rose]

Okay I understand about experimentation, seeing how they will react. Or sharing a side of ourselves that was until now secret. But doing it a 2nd time? Why? It seems to me that at that point half the spouses anguish comes from the obviousness of the husbands oblivion to their wifes feelings. A bit like asking your wife and your mistress to become friends.

All of which is a big part of the reason I don't talk about this a whole lot with my wife.

There seems to be a logical disconnect here. "show and not tell" as Kimberly S rightly puts it, is definitely not a good thing. And I agree with you that some of the behavior that has been posted, Cd's immediately pushing boundaries while their SO is still freaking out absorbing the initial shock, has been pretty self centered.

But what does that have to do with not talking about it? Especially if you are along way into your relationship. Especially if you have been a decent and responsible individual, and a loving spouse.

It's not always the case, but my experience with women is that they want more communication rather than less. I'm not suggesting that you push limits, but have you thought about asking questions? Asking for suggestions about how she could comfortably accommodate this aspect of your personality?

You are, after all, 50% of the relationship, and entitled to your pursuit of happiness.

[Absaroka]

How much to talk about it with my wife is an ongoing source of confusion to me and it is definitely small steps.

When we were first married and I was being told (in another context) that we are as sick as our secrets, I told her all that there was to tell, which at the time was not a lot- it was something I did as a child, and occaisionally still did. That was it. She seemed uncomfortable with it, as was I.

A few years later she told me about one night with some close friends one of the other men talked about this and she thought of sharing how I had the same feelings but did not as she felt I would prefer her not to. I thanked her and told her she'd guessed right. Over the years a few more small discussions took place and she made annoyed comments about skid marks in her panties one time.

After 17 years of marriage and 2 kids all of a sudden I started CDing a lot. Part of it had to do with opportunity-I now worked at home alone. THere were other things going on as well about the kids growing up and me feeling a void, but mostly I sort of wondered why I hadn't done this years ago.

Every now and then I'll borrow a pair of her panties because my tightie whites are all in the wash. The most important thing to her about this is that they are too small for me, she'd be mortified if they fit me properly. We make jokes about me wearing her nightgown, and share teeshirts, socks, and sweats. The 2 people who know both of us in f2f life and know about this agree that she seems to know enough and has made it clear to me that don't ask don't tell seems to be her preference. She knows I really like Halloween. She doesn't know about my dress up box.

I suppose I could tell her. It just doesn't seem like it's worth the risk after some of the stuff I've read here. I don;t like the secrecy, but on the other hand I doubt I'd want an audience to this.

Ab

[Bernice]

Having told my SO before we were married, dressing was something I did only in her absence. After marriage, she seemed to not have a problem with it in her presence (this was before breastforms, wig, and makeup), until a snoopy neighbor peeked around the blinds and made violent threats. After this, the new rules were to not ever get caught by anyone except her.

So officially, I never got caught by anyone except her. And when caught (a near daily occurrence), I would change clothes back to drab as quickly as I could.

Strangely enough, after some years, this rapid change back to drab began to bother her (or maybe I was just slow to notice). I wasn't sure what to think. Finally she managed to convey to me that "me in a dress" is just "me in a dress, being me". Changing back to drab upon her return, well, that was just "me refusing to be the real me around her".

So I pushed the limits a little, because by this time I also had breast-forms and a wig, but I remained fully dressed once for her. Well, she confessed to being a little (OK substantially) uncomfortable with the wig and the breasts.

So for awhile, only the breast-forms and wig came off when she got home, but without them I felt half-naked, and I would eventually go back to drab in order to be all one gender.

I don't know when this really changed, but I've been unemployed for an extended period of time three times in the last fifty-one months, so I've been blessed with the opportunity to be enfemme 24 hrs most days. This time around I'm even growing my hair out. (It was probably 20 inches long when we first became a couple 35 years ago, and she kept telling me she wished I'd wear my hair longer than the inch I have worn for the last 20 years). Now it's gray in places, still baby fine (limp) without body, and still only 2-3 inches long so far, but today I had to trim a bit to keep it out of my eyes. Anyway, not wearing a wig, but leaving the breast-forms in place has not brought any discernible comments or negative reactions from her.

She has posted on the other forum, but she grew tired of what she perceived as incessant infantile whining from the SO's. She'd say: "For goodness sake, it's just clothing!"

I think there is a lot to be said for baby steps.

Hugs,

Bernice

[ChrissyW]

I can remember the first time I revealed to my wife I would enjoy being dressed up as a women. She was a little overwhelmed but accepted the idea. The more we talked about it she enjoyed the idea more. One day when I came in my wife told me to have a shower and get cleaned up for the evening. After the shower I went in the bedroom to get dressed in clean clothes. My wife had laid out clothes for me. Bra, Panties, stockings, a long dress. She told me to put it on and come down stairs after I got completed. I was nervous because this was the first time I had done it infront of someone. She had a black long wig from a costume she had and put it on me. We talked about my desire to do it and said there would be more times as she loved seeing dressed as a women.

We did this for several years, then one day we chatted and she agreed to take me out as a women. I was surprised. She told me what to get as that was my job. Her's was to do my makeup etc. I was going out dressed as a women for Halloween. Well things changed suddenly. Her dad passed away. Hit everyone hard, especially my wife. Since that time she hasn't agreed to it other than she allows me to put on panty hose, and a nightie in bed.

Hoepfully one day she will accept my wish and allow me to do it. However I work from home and can dress most of the day as Chrissy.
But hopefully one day soon my wife will allow me to become that person I really am.

Chrissy

[AnnMarie Sweet]

I'm an odd one. Despite the fact that my wife of 35 years wouldn't mind at all if I wore my girly gear (both daywear and nightwear), and has actually encouraged me to do so, I find I just cannot do so because of the acute embarrassment that I feel being dressed in front of her. For me dressing is an intensely personal and singular experience. I guess this has developed since I was caught by my mother, whilst wearing her nylons, and was given a thrashing and told what a filthy little boy I was. Ironic, isn't it, that there are so many members of this forum who would dearly love to be able to dress as they liked around their spouse, yet I can but simply cannot due to my own hang-up on the matter.

Old thread perhaps but the dialogue remains pertinent.