Four Months and Counting

[Virginia]

Well, I take exception to Donna's statement that she does not pass. I think she is a beautiful woman. SL and I have had the good fortune to have been out with her on many occasions (and even once with her spouse - I got pictures! ). She has "the attitude" necessary to be who she is and like the adage says, "it ain't braggin if you can do it!"

Proud of you, Donna!

Love,

Virginia

[Anita]

I see both sides of the wanting to pass issue here. I can't tell your husband that it's unimportant, or that he'll get used to both passing and not-passing. As Donna pointed out, some fulltime women never pass, either.

I "blend," and that's fine with me. It means that I go unnoticed for the most part when I'm out, but if someone looks a little closer, or hears me speak, they take a second look. Sometimes I'll be passing one minute, and be "recognized" the next minute, and then be passing again a minute later. It's a constant kaleidoscope out there in the public eye.

But I don't want to patronize your husband with this information. He has got to find his own formulas for being at peace if he's going to go out. If he finds that passing is all-important to him, that's an issue he's going to have to resolve. If half a year of outings shows him that blending is good enough, then so be it. The idea of electrolysis seems like a good one, IF you're not upset at the prospect. That's a permanent change, too, but not as drastic.

I wish you didn't have to be on the fence with this for months ahead, but there's no way to speed up the process of figuring it all out; at least, no balanced way to speed it up. Baby steps take time. Therapy is nearly always a good choice, if you can afford to do it.

In these situations with partners, I always try to keep repeating, "I only want what is best for everyone concerned." Experience has shown me that there's only so much thought I can bring to the table; I can't completely think my way through something like this. There is a "letting go" of control that I personally have to allow so I won't go nuts while I'm waiting for the other person to go through their processes. This letting go usually has a spiritual aspect to it, but I don't see why our atheist sisters on this board would not subscribe to it sometimes, too.

Be that as it may, it has worked for me. I want to control everything, and that's fine when I'm running a floor installation. It's not so fine when I'm negotiating with an SO. I'm not saying that I see you wanting to control this--I say it because it's human nature to want certainty, and sometimes it helps to be reminded that we all go through uncertainty, and come out OK on the other side.

[KimberlyS]

I am with Donna on this one. Hormones to pass better is not a good reason to take them. I am also one that does not pass but blend well at a distance. Up close I can see from the looks I do not pass. I also have 5 o'clock shadow at noon and one can find makeup to cover it with some work. Additionally I believe that being out is 75% or more mental and the rest is looks. I ditto the fact that many GG's have trouble passing if it were just on looks.

[Absaroka]

Renee I don't think you are over reacting at all.

Zari

[Gillian]

One should never be hasty when something has long term consequences. If someone is in a honeymoon period they need to decide in the cold light of day. I agree with your concerns. Someone needs to get objective about the issues and real fast.