How to explain what I feel?

[Angela Newel]

I've been thinking about why I dress, what I feel when I dress and why despite all my efforts I havn't been able to stop dressing.

Let me start with, since I have opened up to my wife and admitted to her that I am a crossdresser, I havn't felt guilt about it since. I still feel I need to keep much of it hidden from her. I'm not sure she's ready to be a part of this with me.

Anyways back to my orignal thought, and this is probably the wrong way to say this. But mentally I have been comparing the compulsion to dress to be similar to somone with Alcoholism or a habitual smoker. They can put it aside for days, weeks or even years, but then the right moment comes a long, or the right temptation and without being able to explain it they fall off the wagon. For years that is how I have been, months between dress and purge cycles just to do it again when I had some time alone or the tempation of seeing a woman in nylons and wanting to feel them on my skin. I know it may be strange for a girl that wears a size 20, but when I am in femme I just feel sexy.

I don't know if anyone else felt like this when they first came to terms with who they were but I definately do.

Just a thought,
Angela

[Leeza]

Angela wrote

I know it may be strange for a girl that wears a size 20

I don't think it strange for a girl wearing size 20. There are a ;ot of girls wearing larger sizes than that. Stores like WalMart don't carry sizes that don't move and I have found larger sizes than 20 in there. In my area I am quit sure there are not enough CDs to support that volume of sales so there must be a lot of girls size 20 and larger.

Leeza

[Anita]

Hi Angela--
I didn't like that compulsive/addictive aspect to it when it started up for me later in life, and I just had to trust it would level out. It did. It's nice that you feel attractive; that's always a plus.

[Michelle Miller]

Size 20?

I'd kill to be a size 20 again.

Count your blessings.

One easy way to stop the purges is to keep all your receipts from the purchases. Put them up...hide them, whatever, and whenever you get the urge to pitch all your femme' stuff, just add a few of them up, hit 'total' and repeat after me...

"I would just be throwing away money...look at how much money I'd be throwing away...."

Be strong, and realize that you don't have to apologize for who and what you are...unless of course, you happen to be a Cleveland Cavaliers fan, but this isn't the place for that...lol

[Erica S]

For me it is hard to explain why I dress. It is a need and a desire that is very strong. I feel wonderful dressing to what I am able to wear. I just wish society would not be frowning on me as I do. This is what keeps me hidden for now.

Hugs,

Erica

[Absaroka]

Figuring out the why can be confusing, especially because not only do so many of us have different reasons for it but also because of all the taboos involved.

Most of my guilt involves the fact that although my wife knows something about this I am not completely open. The guilt is about the dishonesty, not the clothing. However when I have discussed it with her it's pretty clear she doesn't want to know more.

I don't have a desire for the world at large to know about this, it is a somewhat private thing.

Although the desires for many of us wax and wane but never seem to disappear, I don't really like the comparison to addiction or substance abuse. An important part of the description of addiction is that it is an enemy of life. Active alcoholism or drug addiction or smoking are just plain bad for you, period. Cross dressiing need not fall into that category, although it is possible for us to use it as a way to avoid other issues in our life and for it to become self destructive in terms of lying, isolation, and so on.

[Bernice]

Size 20?

I'd kill to be a size 20 again.

Perhaps we like to wear what we like to wear because most everyone else on the planet wears what they like to wear. We just like to wear things that most people ignorantly think we shouldn't like.

Call me a die-hard Libertarian, but I think we can be trusted to decide what we like on our own, without help.

If something is true, and nobody believes it, it is still true.

Hugs,

Bernice

[Gillian]

I understand the part about the compulsion to want to do something. When I had times of not underdressing, I would go through periods of "I got to have it" and was not happy until I had a pair of panties on. So I wears panties, 24/7, what is the big deal. I don't tell the world, I keep it to myself. I don't wear a Bra regularly, but at times I just got to have one on. Why, who knows, I just accept it as part of me. As for a size 20, whats wrong with wanting to feel sexy reguardless of size.

[Davita]

Well girl, nuthin u said seems strange to me. I don't necessarily feel sexy like you do, but I certainly feel more like myself when I'm en fem. What I happen to be wearing at the time is a mood thing, but I do feel better in some outfits than others. As for the feeling of any given fem item on my person? Heck, that's half the reason why I love being a girl.

[Kittie]

I wear size 22 and I am not ashamed of it. I weara bra most of the time and always panties even at night

[Andrea Elise]

Angela,

The situation you describe is similar to my situation. I "came out" to my wife before we were married and, now, due to my own inhibitions, I find it very hard to be dressed in her presence.

I get a very strong feeling of disapproval from her and a reluctance to discuss my CDing.

For me, it is not falling off the wagon, nor does my desire come and go. The desire is constant. I battle with guilt, a result of me constantly holding myself in comparison with "normal" men and the so called morals imposed by society.

We can say that we have accepted ourselves, and I don't doubt that many have, but there are the perceived pressures that we (I?) should behave as our sex at birth.

Heavy emphasis on the word "perceived", because I wonder just how much of this so called pressure comes from inside of me. Just a twisted perception on my own part that has nothing to do with the reality of my life. No, I don't feel guilty when dressed, but there is a definite barrier that stops me from interaction with others when I am dressed.

That may just be that I don't think that I would be at all accepted and that, I think, comes from a very poor self image (mine).

I think that I could stand to be more forward about my needs instead of withdrawing into my shell. Always putting others first is not the best thing, not saying I should not, but it appears to be a problem on my part.

No, I am not saying that what I feel and experience is what you do, just a little food for thought.

As to a size 20, if my drab self doesn't stop eating, I'll be there with you. But, I don't concern myself much with that other than finding nice clothes that fit.

As to your comparison to addiction, I can't say as I am not that well versed in addictive behavior. Do I feel I can stop CDing? No, I can't, and I refuse to even try, as it is a useless thing for me to attempt. "It" is always there, a part of me that makes me who I am and I refuse to purge "me".

I still am not sure I have "come to terms" with who I am. It is evolving every day. I am better today than I was yesterday, but it has never been without struggle.

Andrea

[Paula G]

Hi,

In some ways I think the analogy to a chemical addiction is a valid one, I know I tried several (well loads actually) of times to quit smoking and every time I failed. I also tried severer times to stop cross dressing, I would have a feeling of disgust and get rid of all my fem apparel. But just like an addiction the compulsion would come back and I would have to start all aver again, go through the cycle of purchase, elation, guilt, shame and disposal.

Now I hope I am beginning to come to terms with the idea that this is a part of me that I should celebrate. If others have problems, then they are their problems not mine, I should feel free to express this part of my personality without quilt or shame, however I should be sensitive and considerate of the feelings of others.

No longer do I accept the feeling of repulsion and dispose of my secret stash of clothing in the garage, I try to find a stable, comfortable way to express both the feminine and masculine sides of my nature, without intruding on other’s sensibilities.

As for my chemical addictions, well I have given on giving up. Giving something up means that you are depriving yourself of something that you want, I have adopted the attitude that I am releasing myself from the need to do something I do not want to do. Therefore when my wayward mind thinks I would like a cigarette, I tell it, WOW isn’t it great that I don’t need to have a cigarette, I am liberated from the need to have a cigarette.

Similarities between chemical addiction and CD, ask yourself

[Ralitsa]

I guess like everyone else I struggled with the feelings that it was some kind of addiction I needed to deal with, or that it was wrong, or not accepted, or whatever. Eventually I just said "I do this because I like to, and it makes me feel happy, and no one else need concern themselves with it." My brother basically told me that is why he smokes. I don't smoke, and think it's pointless, a waste of money, and hazardous to ones health (no offense to those who do) but who cares? If that is what a person wants to do, why is it any better or worse than something else; say skiing, going to the opera, movies, etc., or playing the lottery, going to Vegas, or taking a cruise or driving a corvette? So everyone has their own thing that they like and to say that one thing is good and another bad is pretty arbitrary. I like to wear nice pretty clothes, and I like to feel feminine and sexy, and I even like to go shopping for new bra's and panties, and I don't make any apologies about it. So on that note I think I will sign off now and go shopping for some new bra's and panties.

[Kimberly Kael]

I've been thinking about why I dress, what I feel when I dress and why despite all my efforts I havn't been able to stop dressing.

You go on to write a little about why you dress and how it makes you feel, but you haven't said anything about why you've been trying to stop. From what you've written you enjoy it and it makes you feel sexy, you've opened up to your wife about it, and you don't feel guilty.

I'm sorry, but that doesn't add up.

I still feel I need to keep much of it hidden from her. I'm not sure she's ready to be a part of this with me.

So either you're not being entirely honest with yourself about feelings of guilt, or you're feeling pressure from her to stop, or both. I'd say figuring that out is an important step.

But mentally I have been comparing the compulsion to dress to be similar to somone with Alcoholism or a habitual smoker.

Why not compare the compulsion to the need to eat or breathe? You've picked characteristics with negative connotations instead, which sounds to me like you're feeling some residual guilt. It's not surprising given how strongly negative societal images of cross-dressing are.

That's not to say it can't be a destructive force in your life. It's quite possible to get wrapped up in feelings of "getting away with something" or otherwise using it as an escape rather than a healthy expression of something that feels important to you. Learning to get comfortable talking to others about it, especially your wife, can be a very powerful first step in figuring out what role it plays for you.

[DonnaT]

But mentally I have been comparing the compulsion to dress to be similar to somone with Alcoholism or a habitual smoker.

Why not compare the compulsion to the need to eat or breathe? You've picked characteristics with negative connotations instead,

Well said!