How can I just accept this and move on!

[Sammy C. (SO)]

I am hurting so bad. So full of anger, and bitterness I so badly want to accept what my hubby is! Why is this so hard?

[Kimberly Kael]

We've all been indoctrinated growing up with ideas about what our gender means and what conventions we're supposed to adhere to. Your hubby has probably been struggling with this for decades, so why should you be expected to figure it out in just a few weeks, months, or even years?

It is hard. It has been compared to the typical grief cycle, and you can expect more or less the same progression of stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. So you have lots of fun to look forward to yet, but at least you might have some idea of what to expect.

Learning to work together as a team is important. Do you have a good, healthy, open communication style? If not, that's definitely something to work on independently of all the other issues that might seem insurmountable right now.

[Susan]

Sammy

I agree with Kimberly. You both have had a shock and it will take time for you both to come to terms with it. However this ends up talking to each other is the only way to move on.

I know you both from having chatted with you. The most important thing in this is your children's welfare. You both have the responsibility to them to sort out your issues. We are here to help you with specifics.

Best wishes

[Paula G]

Hi Sammy,

It must be very difficult to deal with, I know my wife has realy struggled, indeed still does, with my cross dressing. She is still taking her time in comming to terms with her masculin husband's taste for wearing pretty things. Her initial reaction was denial, we then had a period of negotiation, she is now moving towards acceptance, as long as she does not see it. In her eyes I was no longer the very masculine, rugby player she had married, in fact I suspect that by being feminine, I was also more masculine.

All of us here will of course do everything we can to help in any way we can, but the most important thing (I think) in any relationship is to love each other, even when it is difficult, even when you don't want to, thne you can choose to love each other, and you will. Try to lose the anger, forgiveness can help with this, and the rest will be easier.

[Leeza]

Sammy, I don't think I can add to the above advice even though I spent hours trying to figure something to say and how to say it. And that was before Kim posted.

I just hope that what I am sending is also a help. I know that in times past it has helped me and now I hope it will help you.

HUGS and more HUGS and more HUGS

Leeza

[Andrea Elise]

I find that Kimberly said most of what comes to my mind. What you are dealing with is so hard. I just want to do something. All I have is a virtual hand and shoulder.

Love and communication gain you both understanding.

I wish you the best!

Andrea

[Tara M]

The thing is Sammy he is still the same person you have always loved. His cross-dressing is just that, dressing. If he dressed up like a Viking every other weekend and went off with his sword and shield to blat other "vikings" would you feel as bitter and resentful? If he dressed up in leather, silk, lace, thigh boots and a long curly wig and then went off to blat a few "roundheads" would you be so angry? I don't think so.

This is the thing, it isn't the cross dressing that hurts you, it's the shame. What will the neighbours think? Why did he hide it from me? What if he decides to have a sex change? What if I lose him?

I can't answer these questions apart from the first two.

I kinow you love him because otherwise you wouldn't be here. The best advice I can give is put it all into perspective: a little bit of dressing up won't hurt anybody and what makes you think the neighbours are ever going to care?

[Davita]

Along the lines with Tara, Ro still struggles with the "what will the neighbors think". We've been together for 37 years and married coming up on 37 (I think *blush*). We have had a lot of years of compromising and a lot of years with some struggles. I go out now, as you know, but I have still have rules to follow and care I have to take so Ro has some level of peace.

You can't keep all the anger in; I don't know about exploding, but you have to talk it all out and set up some ground rules. Francis isn't going to be able to undo how's she's made, but she can try to cooperate if she understands what's going on with you. It's all going to take time and continual adjusting from both of you. I think the worst thing that can happen is building up resentment by either of you; that's when you start working against each other.

We (you two included) got dealt a fate; we just do the best we can with what we have. We can have fun with it, we can tolerate it, but I don't think any of us will really understand it.

[DonnaT]

I wish I knew why it was so hard, Sammy, but I have no idea.

I very rarely get angry with my wife, and have never started an argument with her in our 35 years together. I don't see the point.

Of course there are things that I don't like at times, but unless it's something harmful, I just let it go.

[Rikki]

Donna,
You sound like my mental-twin! I resist conflict at all cost and usually find ways to reach accordance in issues without fighting.

Sammy, you have my toughts and best wishes that you and your hubby can reach an understanding to provide you both with a peaceful and productive (and hopefully happy) future.

Rikki

[Vivian]

Sammy C (SO)
My wife was really blown away when I told her. She is very open minded and so am I, so it was worse than I thought it would be when I told her. It was a struggle for her and she went thru a period of denial, and became emotionally seperated because she thought I was going to eventually run off with some guy. The key was common ground, things we can do together and have fun and limitations she put on my tendacy to go overboard. I had to re-assure her I was exactly the same as the first 14 years of marriage as now, and my feelings were the same, but she had to adjust to the situation. I give her control of CDer things, so she stopped being emotionally detached. We have the most fun now and are still madly in love with each other. I can watch, "what not to wear" and "RU Pauls drag race" .

Hugs Vivian

[Wendae]

As I read these posts from SO's trying to cope with their CD I wonder why more SO's don't offer their thoughts and how they cope. We are not the ones that should be offering our views on the subject. I've often wondered how I would react if my wife wanted to grow a beard, dress as a male, wear a cheater and want to go shopping with me and use the men's room, etc. I honestly don't know how I would react.

[Anita]

Hi Sammy--
I would hope that there's still some in the SO-only section that can share their experiences with you.

I don't know what I would have done if my dad had suddenly decided he was a woman, when I was say, 13. I wouldn't have cut him out of my life, but I would have been humiliated. I would have been angry that he changed our whole way of life in our little town.

The people I know in this forum and in my present city don't strike me that way, because I only know them as who they've presented to me. That's "who they are," and I have no comparisons with a before-and-after.

Even knowing this about my own reactions, I felt that I had to do this, and risk my family feeling the same way you're feeling now. I can never forget how much pain this can cause family and spouses, while at the same time I know that there can be great rewards in this, too. To talk about either extreme is to sometimes seem to be ignoring the other. I don't care for that aspect of CDing and transgender.

[Vivian]

Wendae,
My SO decided she was going to join the fire dept. last year and she does all kinds of "manly stuff" and dresses like a guy most of the time when she is off work. She has been this way for our entire marriage. She has lots of GG time and is really hot though, so she saw the irony when I came out as a crossdresser. So we box and work out, then put on makeup and do our nails together. its funny and fun.

Hugs Vivian

[Sammy C. (SO)]

Hi everyone! I really appreciate everyones advice. Except one persons comments.

I wanted to type a different message, but most of you have been so welcoming, and great that to point out one person isnt right and is not very fair so I start over.

Hubby and I talked and talked since I posted this. I got to a point that I was overwhelmed by how many people in the chat would tell me that my hubby would want hormones, and he would want SRS, and as an SO those opinons could have stayed to themselves. I have also figured out something else he wants to dress okay, but I cant be expected to be turned on by it or find it attractive that is not me. Could I possibly have the best girlfriend of all times(?) I dont know we will see. I also now that I like it to go slow one step at a time I am more accepting with that then doing everything at once I have to get used to it. I guess what I am saying is that I still love my hubby with all my heart, and I know now that nothing will change the way I feel about him it is what it is, and Donna let me know what you do not understand.