Death of the Knight

[Julie M.]

From the earliest ages girls and boys are presented with role models to follow. From fairy tales to poems to prose, we learn male and female roles that we first see in a romantic light. This is a wonderful time of life, one in which we see ourselves being either the damsel in distress or the knight in shining armor, each eventually realizing their dreams and riding off into the sunset on a beautiful white stallion.

As we age the realities of life alter our expectations. We realize that life is different than fairy tales but we still hold onto many of these dreams. I have recently become aware of one such dream that seems to be part of the female psyche, the Knight in Shining Armor. No I’m not saying they thing some handsome young stud will ride up on a horse and save them from a mean ogre. What I am saying is many women still hold on strongly to the idea that their man will be there for them to protect and save them from whatever they cannot handle in life. It makes sense, he’s bigger and stronger so why not expect this?

The other day my daughter and I were talking. She made a comment that really opened my eyes. “Dad, I just have to accept that you’re not the macho guy I grew up to think you are.” The first thing I thought is, “I am the same person I have always been. Where did this come from?” Later after I thought about it I realized her knowledge that her dad was a crossdresser changed her image of me. I didn’t change. I’ve always been this way. In fact I know I’d be a different person had I not had this as part of me.

From there I thought of a comment by a wife of a crossdressser where she spoke of her Knight in Shining Armor not being there once she found he crossdressed. That’s when I saw the light, so to speak.

I have for a long time seen men as the end of the emotional food chain. As kids we have parents and maybe older siblings to save and protect us. As we get older our parents are still there as are grandparents to help us when we get in a bind. But there comes a time in every man’s life when he looks around and sees all the people he could go to are gone. Now he must assume the role of the head of the family, the Rock of Gibraltar. Everyone can come to him and expect him to help them through their difficulties but he cannot show this weakness because the effect of doing so means all those who look to him as this pillar of support will be devastated. After all, who will they go to now?

So what happens when a man admits to his SO he likes to dress in women’s clothing? The Knight dies a slow death. She sees that she no longer has this big strong man to lean on and go to when she is feeling vulnerable. The big strong man, the Knight, is dead. And as with any death there can be denial, adjustment or a long mourning period. These things take time.

As we are growing up almost none of us are asked, “Is this okay with you?” as we are told we need to do this or that so everyone will think the best of us. I was born in 1951. At that time there were only two roads to take, mother or father and your birth certificate determined that. I was taught I was to be the protector of the weaker sex, my mother, my sisters and any girls I knew. That’s just how it was.

Today I can say that almost no man I know thinks of himself in that light. Some women see the confident, aggressive male as that type of man. Most come to realize he is, in his basest sense, self-involved and goal oriented. What happens along the way is just a road that must be traveled. But your average man sees himself as being just as vulnerable as any woman. He just doesn’t talk about it.

The Knight in Shining Armor is a wonderful image but it is just a myth. The sooner the two sexes accept that, the sooner we can truly get to know one another.

[Curly(SO)]

I think it depends on how you look at the image of the classic Knight in Shining Armour. For me, I've always liked that image because I have always liked the idea of a strong man who would protect me, but also be loving, caring and romantic, as K.S.A is. (in MY mind!). Hey, fighting off dragons to save me..that is caring and loving!
I had given up on on ever meeting a man such as this and was told by many he didn't exist, apart from in fairy tales and movies.
That was until I met my CDing hubby, Ed, my ultimate Knight In Shining Armour! He is physically strong and muscular, I KNOW would protect me to the death, but is also the kindest, most thoughtful, loving man I have ever met.
Yes, I was worried, when I found out about his CDing, that maybe the strong, protective guy was just an act, but I have discovered since, this this isn't the case. He's all that PLUS, the CDing is extra to his protective, strong side, it doesn't detract from it at all, but it did take me a while to realise this.
Of course, being strong doesn't stop him from being vulnerable, I would hate him to have no vulnerability, he would not be the balanced human being he is, if he didn't have that. Sometimes, when he is down or ill, I have to be the strong one, to protect him, but I hope we are all multi-faceted human beings capable of whatever we need to do to face different situations.
So, fairy tale images are great, they encapsulate many of our dreams, as long as we realise they are very one dimensional, there are of course many dimensions to us all! Some days I'm Cinderella at the ball, but some days I am also a very miserable Ugly Sister.


Curly(SO)

[Beauty]

Whoa.. those were two incredible back to back posts.

You're right about the Knight dying. I totally see what you mean Julie. My wife felt the same way. I went from Batman to no man and now I realize I'm really Batgirl. I still have that protective instinct, but it's now femme. Using the Knights reference, I've gone from Lancelot to Joan of Arc.

I really like the way Curly looked at it too. That was a really unique perspective to hear how a woman feels who is married to CDr. When I'm done with this post I'm going to ask my wife about this one. I want to make sure I'm right about what I said above about her feelings.

Thanks you two!!!!

Beauty

[Anita]

Hello--
This post really gets to me, Julie. I realized that I was going to explode the image that people had of me by coming out, and for a while, it made me very sad. I hated taking that picture away from them, for one thing. And it also meant that I was giving up part of my past self-image. You're right, there was a mourning period, and it was hard on me. I had not told anyone at that time, so I had to go through it alone. I'm glad that's over with.

Even now, there's times when I still hurt about this. Overall, I have no regrets--I'm happier than I've ever been, and I still have my family and friends.

But there's still nights where it hurts to know that they will never see me the same again. Yes, it is a myth of sorts, and they get much more from me as a whole person than they did as a "strong, silent type." It's still hard to give up cultural roles that are so drummed into us!
A

[Josey]

Hi Julie,

I do definitely see what you are saying but I can't totally agree. I guess in some degree I dropped a little of the Knight image when I told my SO of the dressing. At the same time, she never acted that way. She always depended on me to be her protector 'til the very end. If I lost the role of her Knight at all, it was for a very short time and then I took back over (because she let me!).

This seems to be something that happens between two people and each couple can handle it differently. I'm very glad my wife handled it the way she did. Despite how I might dress, I liked being her Knight.

[Virginia]

HIi Girls, first the question: "Just who is the weaker sex?"
My wife and I have a large picture that I bought hanging in our living room!
It is of a mounted knight reaching his hand down to a beautiful (unbelievable - red haired maiden - my wife has red hair) and they are about to kiss. I had a small brass plaque made and put on the picture. It reads: "Once upon a time a brave knight won the heart of a beautiful maiden - They live here!"
Damn, now I am crying again -that's three times this morning!
I gotta go compose myself!
Love,
Deborah

[Honey(SO)]

I have to go with Curly on this one.
Yes my husband is a cross dresser, but that is only a part of him, not his whole being. He is still the same man I married, the one who was with me through the birth of our children, the death of our child, he was the strong husband I leaned on when my parents died. He is my support.
I know he is always there for me no matter what happens. He is can still be the macho man who fixes engines, builds houses, can fix anything that is broken, drives a cool hotrod, likes hard rock, but went with me to 5 John Denver concerts.
His shiny armour is still gleaming and I keep it buffed as much as I can. He is still MY man even when he is wearing the glass slippers.
Honey

[Virginia]

Honey,
You guys got to quite this or I will have to stop reading these posts, Deborah has gotten so emotional she has me crying again after reading what you wrote. Can I ask one question, did or will our husband read what you wrote?
That was as eloquent as anything Shakespear or Hemmingway or Poe or anyone else could have composed, I am going to keep it for future reference.- Beautiful, girl! I hope he knows how much woman he has?!
Love,
Deborah

[Gelinda]

This thread has helped me a lot. I have always been not the Knight but the Redneck Ranger Sniper in my own mind. I can shot the flea off a dogs back at 900 yards and my wife knows it. So I have always worried when I tell her about everything in this thread about not being the protector of the family.

I am just as worried about my kids knowing and have the idea in this hard head that they will never know.

The are so many facts that make up a personality that I am truly worried about how my wife will take it when I do tell her which I am going to do in one of my next trips home.

Thanks for the Thread, I could not have askied it like this. GeLinda

[Love (SO)]

Hello everyone,

Julie, Great thread, by the way!

O.K., Well, I too agree with Curly and Honey.......
Except I don't look at my husband as being a "Knight In Shining Armour",
to me, Knights are violent and I have never found any sort of violence attractive.

A little backround.........my Father was never really the stronger one of the family, my Mother was the one who took care and handled mostly everything in the house, and later in their lives she had to also be the care taker to my Father as he could not do for himself. So, for me, it wasn't that I was looking for someone (a husband) to be as my Father. [But my Father was always a caring and loving Father (at least to me).]

Before my husband told me of his CDing he wasn't a very emotional kind of guy, he was always either happy or angry, one or the other, no in between. When he lost both of his parents, he showed no emotion, not a tear, not even sadness (I was scared ), he just took care of things. I now know that he was holding back all of his emotions all his life, not on purpose, he just didn't feel them at the time (he said). After he told me of his CDing he is now letting his feelings out, he now says what he is feeling, and I couldn't be happier. Don't get me wrong, he isn't walking around everyday all weepy , I feel that he just feels more free. I feel that we have finally connected, I feel that we finally have what I have dreamed of all my llife . I have struggle for many years, trying to get him to open himself up to me, I have always felt that he wasn't really as connected to me as I felt connected to him. I never felt that I was a priority in his life, I never came first, I was always at the bottom of the list and sometimes I didn't feel that I was even on the list, I now feel differently, I am #1 to him now, I feel that way now, and he has always been my #1.


I tend to look at my husband as my "Prince Charming". I remember as a little girl watching all the disney movies with the Princess and the Prince, I just loved the idea of falling in love everlasting.......with a romantic, warm, caring, tender, gentle man. I feel that the strongest of men can show what they feel and not put up a macho front. He still plays his drums (very loudly I might add) and used to be in a rock band when we first met, he has rebuild cars (in his younger days) he's Mr. Fix-it and if he can't fix something, it's really broke, but he doesn't watch sports (that God!) and keep him away from the laundry, because whatever it is it will come out PINK , (hmmm, maybe that is intentional, he does like pink )

I look at a marriage as a partnership, we both help each other when one is down, when one is in "need" the other is there to provide . If one is ill, the other is there to be the nurse (only now "he" may like to wear the nurse outfit too ) if one is not as strong, the other is there with a shoulder to lean on and give a hug . But I do tend to look to him to be the stronger (most of the time). Even though he now lets his feelings show, I know that I am still much more emotional than he is and sometimes need his shoulder to cry on and sweep me up onto his horse.

We now have a love that all of our friends admire and wish they too had, after being married for 13 yrs. we are still very much in love (I think even more now since my husband told me of his CDing) and we are always kissing and holding hands. I always thought that as the years would go by in our marriage that we would lose our closeness, but we haven't, we have gotten even closer and even more in love with each other ,there are still some "trying" days, but for the most part, I have never been happier, I never knew (when we first were married) that what we would have now, could be this good, we really cherish each other I feel that we have the fairy tale, we have love everylasting. My husband has told me that he never thought that he could love someone the way that he now loves me, and I now (finally) really do feel that he loves me deeply, like he never has before.

For my husband's Birthday(in April) I gave him a card and put this picture (picture of my avatar) in the card, so when I saw this thread I decided to use this for my avatar too.

He is my Prince and I am his Princess and sometimes we may dress alike, but that doesn't change who we are.
He is always my man and I am always his woman.

[Julie M.]

As always, it's the people here who make this forum what it is, a great place to visit.

When I wrote my initial comments my thoughts were mostly in line with how we are perceived before and after the discovery of crossdressing being part of our personality. As I have grown older I have changed, but gradually. Those who know me will tell you I have never had a dramatic change in personality at any time in my life (excluding moments of trauma due to tradedy).

When my daughter told me she accepts my crossdressing but now she sees me differently I was taken aback. I thought to myself, "But I am the same I always have been. I haven't changed." Yet her newfound knowledge caused a change in her mind even though I was still the same person she always knew.

This is the difficult part for me. The stigma crossdressing has is woven with so many untruths and inaccuracies. How can one person correct all that? Too many times others who have already made up their mind on the issue just won't even listen. Some just feel ignoring it is the solution. I think that's where my wife is.

Love, when I read your descritpion of your relationship with your husband I thought of what happened to me when my daughter accepted me. Suddenly I felt so close to her. I know that's what would happen if my wife opened up. Our relationship is somewhat cool and part of the reason is I can't be me without her clamming up. She tolerates but does not accept (her words). If she could just see what you and others who responded here have seen we would be experiencing the same love and affection and closeness you have described. But for her I think the Knight in Shining Armor has died and she can't see it any other way. I am still the same man she fell in love with. I told her before we married but she thought it was less than what it really is. As time went on she gradually learned more than she wanted. After a time she stopped wanting to know. Her Knight was no Knight after all.

I may be all wrong about this. Maybe she's simply so turned off by her understanding of what crossdressing is that she can't even think about it. I may go to my grave with her never truly knowing me, I don't know. She knows I spend a lot of time on forums and she knows it is theraputic for me but she never says one word about it. If it were the other way around I'd have to talk to her about it. I'd want to know what is going on inside her head that needs to get out.

I recently made the decision that I will talk about whatever is going on inside me. I also signed up to attend a couple of days at the Be-All convention in Chicago in June. I discussed this with her before I did it. I have vowed to myself to let her know as much about the CD side of me I think she can handle instead of keeping it inside. Maybe that will help her to see it's just me and it's pretty harmless. I don't want her to be unhappy but I can no longer be as unhappy as I have been all these years. I'm hoping for a positive outcome. Maybe someday she'll be okay if her Knight has a petticoat under his armor.

I resent the stigma crossdressing has and I have begun waging my own little personal war to change it. Hopefully some day that will change and if I am partly responsible for that it will help relieve some of the pain it has caused me.

Julie

[Virginia]

Julie,
Deborah has voluntarily enlisted with you to help in this war against mis understanding of Crossdressing!
Love ya,
Deborah

[Penny T]

(A Faerie Tale From Afar And Ago, here for Your Reading Pleasure!)

My Fair Friend,

Tis but true that some knights wear frillys under their armor, but it needn't mean they are weak; far from it. Did the Knight not take in the Fair Maiden and fend off the evil knights of hunger, cold, and the taxman for her? Was The Knight not Always True in Fending for The Family, Children and All? Yea, this and more. And the Knight is still there when needed. Thus goes the Crossdressed Knight, riding into the sunset...

But, dear child, there is more! For there is also the TS Knight from afar, who willingly hung up his armor because he knew he was a Fair Maiden, and knew that the Code Of Honor that was duly sworn to made it impossible to continue a lie. This ex-Knight has a strength of a different kind, and while lances and arrows may now harm the armourless body, they can no longer kill The Spirit, because there is now an impenetrable covering of Love and Acceptance around their heart that repels evil and lets in only good. You may see this ex-Knight, appearing as the Damsel they are, but believe me when I say that the strength is equal, just different.

Both of these people will forever Love, Honor, and Protect their Children as they are able, and would stop at nothing to do so, for they know that this is their Most Important Loyalty. A Loyalty far greater than that they have to their King or even to the Maiden that gave birth to their Children. So, dear Child, do not think that a True Knight would not wear frillies, and do not forget that you only see the outside of Knights. Look inside them, look in their hearts, and you will see the part of them that really shines. That part will never rust, corrode, fade, tarnish and comes with an eternal Helmet-to-Stirrup warranty against failure due to lack of effort or concern. And remember that about 5% of the Knights you see have a Frilly Secret you don't see, whether their Armor is Shiny or not!

Penny T. Damsel,
Ex-Knight

[Celia]

A true knight's armor is never shinier than it needs to be: he's too busy. The knight in shining armor rides a hobbyhorse, and the woman who would enjoy the attentions of Sir Vanity will never want for disappointment.

-Celia

[Virginia]

Celia,
Well put - fair maiden! It took this blonde a couple of reads to understand what you had composed, but that is beautiful! and true!
Love,
Deborah