SO refusal to accept

[Drea Lynn Stewart]

Hi Millie.

For us girls who are still in the closet, I suppose part of the thrill, is the fear of being caught "at it".

Do you think in your case, since you can't be caught, some of the thrill has gone?

Anna x

I don't know if I'd use "thrill" as the term to describe the feeling of being caught at it. "Relieved" perhaps. Keeping secrets is hard, after all.

My wife knows, and not by my choice. It was tough, but we pushed through it. There are good days and bad. I don't think she'll ever get to accepting. I'd like for her to at least stay at tolerating.

Hugs,
Drea

[Gina]

All who have contributed to this thread: thanks so very much. You touch the core of my remaining issues with Gina, my wife and marriage. Coming out to my wife was horrifically difficult, but we crossed the bridge. But, years later my wife has put me back into the box, and we never discuss CDing, nor does she have any interest, support or such.

I get her reaction though, it is ok. But, at a core level I would love acceptance. But, I cannot change her, only myself and my own attitudes, so we endure.

[Jamiey]

I am so sad reading these posts. I can only send a hug with my support for all of you.

[Lacey Hadley]

First off, nothing I'm about to say here is meant to offend or outright give direct, guidance and advice to any one who is a Cder and has an SO who is non-supportive or pensive in support. I just want to give points of view to maybe provoke open thoughts and what being in a serious relationship/marriage truly is.

1: To read about how SO's openly prevent their CDing husbands from freely expressing themselves by dressing is sad and IMO signifies a level of selfishness by the SO. For most if not all males who finally and probably after many years of confusion, guilt and even at times personal hate to accept and understand the feminine side of them to only have their SO's go beyond their boundaries of a relationship to TELL their man to not crossdress and/or belittle it, is a destructive part to the relationship and in the end may probably be a crux to the destruction of the relationship and may be their male spouse.

No male spouses want to hurt their SO by being a CDer, but understanding that CDing is as much a part of their whole self as any other aspect, good, bad or indifferent of who they are as persons. For an SO to be so constrictive and manipulative to belittle and disregard what CDing does for their male partner is tragic and again selfish. I know, I hear this from some SO's, "But, But, But, I married or otherwise got into a long term relationship to a MAN not a woman." " The man who CD's is the selfish one." IS HE? Look, I'm a CROSSDRESSER/TRANSVESTITE IF YOU MAY! I was married and no, I never revealed this to my now ex-wife. I was struggling with my CDing through my marriage and never was mature enough during this time to entrust my ex. I have no idea if she would have accepted Lacey or not? But as time passes I have come to accept that my CDing is a part of ME! It will not in of itself go away. Yes, I could deprive myself of this feminine side and in time become miserable and maybe get to the point of ending my life. But that would just be stupid. CDing is nothing I chose to be and to do. It's nobody's fault, not my mom's, not my dad's, not my siblings' and certainly not my fault! Yes, I consciously choose when and what to dress in and as. Yes, when I go full enfemme as Lacey, I CHOOSE TO DO IT! But it's a choice to appease and comfort this side in me and to help keep me level headed and sane. To be in a relationship and a crossdresser is something I'd never do to hurt an SO. In fact to pack this side of me up and away would in time hurt any relationship I'd get into. So CDers are not being selfish, CDers mostly are satisfied with being a man and being a man in a relationship but most of us have come to see our femme side and CDing is a part of who we are. For most if not all of us if in a serious relationship or marriage would cherish being able to express and share our CDing side with a mature and accepting spouse/SO.

As to being THE MAN in a relationship, IMO when we are dressed and carrying ourselves as our regular and typical male self, we are and accept being treated as men. When we dress up enfemme most of us probably wish to be treated and seen as girls. In that case any SO just has to accept either portrayal and would IMO be better off in treating us as we display ourselves.

"But I married a man, my marriage should be normal like other SO's." Is the marriage you have ABOUT YOU just being married or you being married to your spouse, CDer and all? IMO and as a photographer for many years who has met with, gotten to know new couples and photographed hundreds of weddings, I feel that many people JUST WANT TO BE MARRIED! And to each marriage is about HOW THEY SEE SAID LIFE, HOW THEY SEE JUST FITTING IN WITH SOCIETY! Not so much about the bringing together of TWO lives to share more or less as one. True love matters not about what a marriage means only to each person, but only matters to what each person means inside each person's heart and soul.

Wedding vows most often state, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health till death do us part. These are really important parts of the vows but in time are seemingly forgotten by one or both spouses. SAD so SAD!

ACCEPTANCE by each spouse to each other's flaws, strengths, character traits and such. Unless a marriage is truly loveless (many are) and or especially physically but also mentally abusive IMO most of the issues can and should be fairly worked out. Marriage is not about white picket fences, a pretty little house, a dog or a cat, two perfect children and two perfect spouses etc. Marriage and I'll include common-law is about seeing, accepting and living with the character and flaws of being human. IT AIN'T ALWAYS PRETTY AND ABOUT SUNSHINE!


2: SO's who restrict how and what their CDing partners can dress and be like are being abusive and ultimately will likely help lead said relationship/marriage to failure. Of course CDing in a LTR is a TWO WAY STREET! The CDer needs to assess things, show discretion especially maybe among other peers and family. But any SO out of angst, misunderstanding or pure anger to LAW DOWN ABUSIVE LAWS AS TO WHAT THE CDER CAN DRESS IN OR UP AS, IS WRONG!

Would any SO of a CD'er accept their man telling them how to dress and what to act like? If you do not like seeing your CD'er spouse dress as a girl or in girls clothes are you ok if he says YOU can't wear male looking pants, sweats, ratty t-shirts, male looking shoes, and/or not wear makeup etc? After all you are a lady and should dress,look and act as one! But I'm sure you would not like him to lay down such household laws on you. So why is it ok for you to do such to him?

As for SO's who arbitrarily THROW OUT their CDer spouse women's clothes and shoes, that is a pure violation of them as a person, their trust and their property. To a CDer their clothes and shoes etc. are THIERS not yours. If your man came home one day and behind your back went through your closet and dresser drawers to toss out any clothes and shoes you have that he finds bothersome or too manly YOU'D PROBABLY BE PI$$ED OFF!

3: Marriage or a LTR is as I said not a pretty ride at all times. It is about seeing, loving ,accepting and sharing the real you with each other. If a marriage or LTR is only about YOU wanting to be in one than it's probably going to fail regardless of your man being a CD'er or not.

LOVE CONQUERS ALL! ACCEPTS EACH IN SUCH LOVE FOR ALL THEY ARE! A respect for your CDing spouse/SO will bring compromise from them and maybe even some interesting times and some fun too. He is still the man you are said to love. He is as much a man as most any other but he has an interesting and maybe even a fun side in his femininity that you by having an open mind can share and explore together. It may be better to run with it than to FIGHT OR TRY TO STOP IT! IMO, as a life long CD'er you will not win by fighting or being obstinate to this and may lose a person who could be a wonderful and IMO most CD'ers are also a trustworthy confidant, lover and life long partner. The choice is yours as the SO in a CD'er relationship.

Said relationship may be unconventional but that could be the spice that makes it fun, endearing and trusting.

[Joan Grey]

I've always had some interest in women's lingerie, but not necessarily wearing it. As I've aged, the interest has grown. Married for over 40 years to someone who has no real interest in the sexier lingerie, I began to feel the only way I'd ever be able to appreciate finer lingerie was to wear it myself! My wife has always had a "men should always be men" mentality, but lately she's started to connect some of the little hints that have been dropped over the years and has been asking some probing questions. I'm trying to open up a bit on what I might be interested in or willing to try without scaring her off. Telling her I think I would like to try dressing as a woman sometime (at home, alone or maybe with her) will probably go over better than having her come home and seeing me with silicone breast forms glued to my chest while wearing a corset, wig, short skirt, and stockings. This is probably going to take a long time....

[Marissa Mae]

Hi Sisters,

My heart bleeds, truly, for those of us whose SOs either forbid CDing or look on it so negatively that dressing isn't possible without bad trouble.

I've been lucky in that my SO is okay with dressing, even dressing in front of her. Not that she is wildly enthusiastic, but she bears with it, helps me shop for femme clothes, even finds me bras, petti pants and so on—lingerie must be a big test for her, but she does it cheerfully and has fun picking things. Still it doesn't seem sexy to her. Sort of leaves her unstimulated.

That, I think, brings up the nitty gritty of the SO's viewpoint. To understand better how a woman feels about her SO dressing as a woman, I find it useful to turn the situation around. How would we M-to-F husbands feel if our wife never willingly wore anything feminine?

Or if she dressed up in, say, men's suits and ties a lot of the time—or fatigues and Army boots (my apologies in advance to those whose female SOs are in the military)—or to be extreme about it, construction worker gear of helmet, goggles, tool belt, work boots, etc. etc.? We might try to be understanding about it, yet still find it hard to be pleased. We might justifiably feel that she had lost, or thrown away, a good deal of the femininity that attracted us in the first place.

That, as my wife has explained it to me, is at the root of her cautious wariness. I shave my chest—she loved the hair. I swan around in a skirt and blouse, or a dress—it breaks the circuit that made her love me appearing as a guy. She's not a manliness freak, yet she does relate to certain masculine behaviors and appearances.

Every SO is different, a world unto herself (or himself). But if we fail to see how flagrant what we do is, how it flies in the face of what makes the world go round for our SOs, we can get too far out on the limb to crawl back.

That said, what I've been discussing is situations where there is some give and take. By contrast, extreme negativism toward CDing by a spouse is a real impasse. It's grievous, and it's hard to find anything constructive to do for it. It may very likely spring from fear, but knowing that doesn't necessarily lead to a solution.

All I can do is suggest that those in the less negative situations keep their SOs' feelings constantly in mind and be sensitive to the nuances. I try to do that as best I can, not that I always succeed. But it seems to keep the home fires burning. About the more extreme case, I wish I had some idea to suggest, but I really don't know what might help.

Love, Marissa Mae

[Eileen (SO)]

I haven't posted on this topic yet as it was dormant when I signed up here. Some of the things Marissa Mae said I completely agree with. While impossible to make accurate statements about all CD's, or wives and girlfriends, generally speaking, my dressing husband has added to our relationship.

No, I don't really get the need to dress femme. Still, I'd rather have him have girl times and be happy with a compromise than us both be miserable. He can't change in front of me and she buys her own clothing. We do catalog shop at home together.

I wish other wives would understand that this dressing thing is as much of his personality as all the rest that made him a good husband. Neither of us can change that. Within boundaries, he has femme time instead of spending a paycheck at a bar or gambling. He's not looking at porn (AFAIK) at home, she browses women's wear sites. I get a husband that understands that a closet full of clothes means 'nothing to wear'. And ten minutes is not enough time to get ready.

By my own experience, I'd like to shake these non accepting spouses and ask what the heck is you're problem? Again, we have boundaries not be crossed and limits on femme time. In return, my husband and I are emotionally closer and our, ahem, personal time has greatly improved. , , then and then

Hugs, Eileen