SO refusal to accept

Carly · Post by **Carly** » Sat Oct 01, 2011 1:35 pm

Is there a group of us that have SO who refuse to let any CD activity happen? I would like to get feedback on how we cope. I just get depressed abd find my relationship suffers.

Paula G · Post by **Paula G** » Sat Oct 01, 2011 3:16 pm

My SO knows that I do dress, but wants to know nothing about it, if she finds any of my clothes she tends to throw them away, I have lost some nice stuff this way. I remain hopeful of some level of acceptance, but it will only ever be small amounts, and maybe in the far future.

How do I cope? well I do because I have to. I love my wife, but find I am driven to dress, so I am also driven deep into the closet at home. My outings are all the more fun because they are "stolen moments", in the mean time I manage to satisfy a degree of the urge through this forum and my blogging (both reading and writing). Obviously this would be more difficult if had to share a family computer.

If I am denied all CD activities then I too find I get depressed, and this has an inevitable effect on my relationships, so I allow myself some activities but keep quite about them at home. That way I am finding an outlet for this compulsion, and my wife accepts that what she doesn't see won't hurt her. It is far from ideal, a bit like the old US army don't ask, don't tell policy. I have tried a couple of times to talk to my wife about my dressing, but if anything the exercise took us backwards, so now I do not raise the subject, or talk about my activities, she knows that I will tell her if she asks, but at the moment she is choosing not to ask.

This is very frustrating, but the best compromise available.

Erica S · Post by **Erica S** » Sun Oct 02, 2011 8:36 am

I too am in the same position as Paula. I have the desire to dress and can not even talk about it with my wife. I have been hiding well so far. I need to to be able to do this for me. I do not think she understands at all. I too am a husband stuck in a situation that I would rather not be in.

Erica

Rikki · Post by **Rikki** » Sun Oct 02, 2011 9:46 am

Guess I can "ditto" the above posts. I get to wear women's satin pajamas all the time with no comment. Guess wifey thinks of that as a Hugh Heffner kind of thing. My thought is that she has a sense of my desires, but would rather put them out of her mind rather than have to "deal with" such an extreme subject.

Since I get a day or two a week to be en femme and spend time here with you wonderful people, I have resisted the temptation to "fix what ain't broke." While I would enjoy the psychological release (confession for us Catholics) of having her know my passion for fashion, the pain and anguish that she would be under could be severe and I could stand to lose the wonderful time I already have. Others here have told me (justly) that some day I am bound to be "caught" or found out, and I know this to be true.

So, until that day comes I might just keep things at that Army status, Don't ask, don't tell. But this is a subject on my mind every day. Until that fateful day I must say, "I love my wife very much!"

Rikki

Susan · Post by **Susan** » Sun Oct 02, 2011 10:46 am

Paula

It is the same here for me, my wife hates it but tolerates what she doesn't see. I have my own room for Susan's stuff and she leaves it alone. I am unable to talk to her about any of this as she clams up and walks away at any mention of my dressing.

The fact that I have not told her of my escapades is purely down to this. I have no wish to hide anything from her. To paraphrase the old saying "there are none so deaf who will not hear"

As I have said many times, this is not a choice thing for us, no one in their right minds would choose this path, purely on expense grounds. I know the benefits this gift brings me and I would not change a thing if I could.

Joan · Post by **Joan** » Sun Oct 02, 2011 4:02 pm

My wife is OK with me wearing any lingerie items, in her presence as well. I get away with perfume and lipstick as well.

If she finds a skirt or dress it dissapears very quickly, I also have lost treasured ladies wear.

Joan

Carly · Post by **Carly** » Sun Oct 02, 2011 7:58 pm

My wife has known for 25 years but came to the point of treating as a pervert once I was diagnosed with Parkinsons. She has been better since I threw almost everything away. But it is clear that another trip down that road will end all pleasantries. She has promised no divorce but it is clear that she would want me around to earn a living (she has been retired for 11 years) while she treats me like dirt. She thinks I will stay around for that but I wouldn't be able to take that from her. I believe once I retire she may want out.

Absaroka · Post by **Absaroka** » Mon Oct 03, 2011 7:34 am

I'm pretty much in the same boat as most of the other posters. My wife knows some, doesn't seem to want to know more, and I doubt very much that she'd enjoy seeing me dressed. I'm fortunate in that I am self employed and work out of my home so I can dress a lot. When she retires in another year or so that may all change.

I have to ask myself how receptive I'd be to her wearing a suit and tie along with a fake beard. Answer, not very.....

Unlike some here however I have generally a very nice relationship with my wife. She's pleasant, loving, and fun to be around.

When we married, 25 years ago, I had not told her about my clothing choices. At the time there wasn't really that much to tell, I didn't do it often. A year or so into our marriage I did tell her on the grounds that we are as sick as our secrets and that marriage should be built on honesty. She was accepting but not comfortable. Not having much to talk about in this area continued for almost another 18 years and then all of a sudden my CDing took off. I've dropped hints and get teased a bit but mostly it's DADT. I did write a letter which is in my dress up box explaining all this and detailing what it does NOT imply (I'm not gay and don't go out and pick up men) in the event of an unexpected fatal accident or something. If I develop a fatal disease I'll probably throw them all away and let my secret die with me.

I have to ask myself what would be the point of being more open? It would probably make her unhappy to be around me in a dress, and I'm difficult enough to live with already. My teenage daughters after all are fond of pointing out that I am the drama queen of the family, not them, and I agree with this assessment. And my wife and I have more important things to disagree about anyway.

There's a quote at the end of the movie "The Bear" which is perhaps worth considering. Two hunters are attempting to kill a large grizzly. In the end, one of them has the opportunity to kill the bear and instead allows the bear to leave unharmed. He later attempts to explain why to the other, older and wiser hunter. The older man stops him and says "Everyone has their secret side, and by God, that's the way it ought to be" It is his way of telling the younger man he does not need to explain his reasons. I'd be the first to say that this concept is easily abused, but that does not mean it is any less true. Great movie by the way.

Zari

Jean Marie · Post by **Jean Marie** » Mon Oct 03, 2011 8:27 am

she is totally narrow and closed minded, finally conceded I could wear panties full time, other wise cannot be dressed at home

Paula G · Post by **Paula G** » Mon Oct 03, 2011 5:58 pm

This is all rather sad, that even the people we hold most dear and are closest to us in many ways still can't accept this one aspect of who we are.

I suspect that some of it may steam from their mental image of who we are as their husbands, they want a strong protector not some one they can see as weak and feeble (ELizabeth's words not mine) All the more reason for us to be careful not to hurt those most dear to us, rather to find compromises, that will allow us this form of self expression, while protecting our loved ones from the knowledge that may upset them. In other words stay hidden.

Absaroka · Post by **Absaroka** » Tue Oct 04, 2011 8:25 am

Paula that is a good description of my wife. She has many gay male friends and (as described in another post) some of them like to do drag. She is quite comfortable with all that, in fact she enjoys it. I suspect that if I asked her about this her reply would be " but I didn't want to marry any of them". I don't know that it has to do with strength, so much as what societal niche I fall into.

Reading back over this thread a recurrent theme seems to be that there is an important part of who we are that many of us feel is rejected and thus unacceptable to our spouses. For me I have always had the attitude that clothing should not be important, that we should be judged by who we are, not what we wear. I guess this has the unexpected side benefit of meaning that it is a relatively unimportant part of me that is being rejected, thus softening the blow. Of course when we are talking about other 'feminine " aspects of our personality, this may not apply. However, whatever those aspects may be for me, they don't seem to have to be hidden, although I do try to keep my more extreme emotional swings under control. But I don't think that is a feminine thing so much as another aspect of my personality unrelated to gender.

Zari

Rikki · Post by **Rikki** » Tue Oct 04, 2011 9:36 am

It is so nice to hear these comments. Zari, your message sounds almost like a description of my life, except I'm more of a "nuturer" than a drama-queen. My girls always came to me for advice on girl questions sooner than going to my wife.

I will take your suggestion and place a letter in my girlie-stash in case of sudden demise and had the same thought of the purge if I ever got the "bad news".

And like you asked, would I enjoy my wife in a suit, with a package in her pants and a beard? I doubt it.

All these things make me/us think. We have been married over 30 years now. Some years better than others. And as I was brought up to feel, marriage (or any good friendship/relationship) is a 90/10 situation, never a 50/50.

Well, we're off to celebrate our anniversary! Great day with my lovely wife, then a morning en femme tomorrow!! All's well in Rikki's world. (at least for now!)

Ciao,
Rikki

Davita · Post by **Davita** » Tue Oct 04, 2011 9:09 pm

Happy anniversary! Rikki!

Hug the better half for me.

Absaroka · Post by **Absaroka** » Wed Oct 05, 2011 7:19 am

Happy anniversary Rikkii!!!

Rikki I am a nurturer also. It's one of the things my wife likes about me. The kids have commented over the years that when they are sick that I am always the one who takes care of them. On the other hand as they got older they felt there were a lot of things their mother could understand better than me. Still especially with my eldest daughter I was the one she would come to about boy trouble. Part of this I think had to do with the fact that I could just explain teenage boys to her better than her mom could, having been one myself.

Zari

Anthony Simon · Post by **Anthony Simon** » Wed Oct 05, 2011 9:12 am

Carly wrote:My wife has known for 25 years but came to the point of treating as a pervert once I was diagnosed with Parkinsons. She has been better since I threw almost everything away. But it is clear that another trip down that road will end all pleasantries. She has promised no divorce but it is clear that she would want me around to earn a living (she has been retired for 11 years) while she treats me like dirt. She thinks I will stay around for that but I wouldn't be able to take that from her. I believe once I retire she may want out.

I've not/never been married, so maybe I'm better off not replying to this thread. But, when I was a child, my mother did have 3 years of hurling abuse at me for (implicitly) my CDing desires. It just leaves you with all this pent-up rage - apart from anything else, like depression which you mention (but then there's a school of thought that says depression is just internalised rage).

It has occurred to me that all her raging guilt inducing stuff about me not being masculine enough may have been her way of deflecting her feeling that she wasn't any good at being a mother. I mean you say your wife only started getting heavy about the CDing once you were diagnosed with Parkinsons - which theoretically should have brought out the caring side in her. So maybe something of that sort - of shifting guilt - is happening with your wife.

At any rate, I think it's a good idea for you to talk a bit about how you feel, if you can, rather than have the anger just stew around inside.

Crossdressers-Haven.com

SO refusal to accept

SO refusal to accept

My wife considers me a ppervert and an abomination