the real reason many of don't tell our wives

[Absaroka]

Okay most of us know this. But Rony's thread made me aware of how easy it is to forget this.

The real reason many of us (those of us who are merely CDs and not truly transgendered) don't tell our wives is that we love them and value the relationship. Most of us have tried to stop acting on our clothing desires many times since childhood and have come to understand that the desire is probably not going away. We've also seen all of societies messages about this, and we've heard our spouses opinions, perhaps with too much aprehension. Until recently we thought we were very few in number. And it's such a little thing, liking to wear a dress now and then. Or to have sex alone with some lingerie. And so we dig our hole. A hole that initially seemed entirely reasonable. But that led to a new problem, the problem of lying by ommision. I'll tell her tomorrow, if we ever had that hope, stretched on perhaps for decades.

But back to our real reason. We love our wives and value the marriage and would do anything we could to protect it. Since we didn't seem to be able to permanently stop dressing we took the less desireable step of lying by ommision.

When the truth comes out, we need to avoid letting this become our spouses fault. We need to not turn it into "I didn't tell you because you couldn't handle it" and let it remain " I didn't tell you because I was afraid it would endanger our marriage"

Like I said, we all know this, but it can easily be forgotten.

It's not applicable to someone who is transgendered and wants to transiston. Our spouses thought they married a man, and if we change that it is reasonable that they may wish to re evaluate the entire marriage.
zari

[Kittie]

Since I told my wife she has accepted it woderfully and we have even talked girly about buying clothes!

[Erica S]

Well you hit it right on the nose for me!!! I wanted to confide in my wife when she knew I had a likeing for somethings a few years back. It even has come up now and again. I just can not bring myself to let her know about it. I know she would not be able to handle it and want to end the marriage. I am not sure were this is taking me but I do know I feel different when I am in female mode. More comforatble and I like it . Just having on the clothes is one thing but having my forms in and makeup on and so on is another. I feel as If I could be a women and that makes me feel good inside. So for now I keep my feminine self in the closet. I do live my wife and want to keep it that way.

Hugs.

Erica

[Paula G]

This is very true, and the longer we keep our little secret the worse it gets. I allowed myself to be found out, I thought I could explain, but it has scarred our marriage, the worst bit being the loss of trust, if could go back I would tell her from the start, and risk being rejected then, rather than the on going lying that has become the current norm.

[Giselle]

Hi Ladies:

i told my wife of 27 yrs last june about Giselle. it was the biggest mistake of my life, we are still together but the trust and admiration she had for me is gone forever i fear. what was once ours is now yours and mine, i needed to tell her or i would have had a nervous breakdown, instead she did and i'll never forgive myself for that. we had a story book marriage that is now a shell of a marriage.

think hard sisters before you come "out" your life will never be the same.

love and peace

Giselle Reeves

[DavidPhillips]

I told my wife after a little after we were dating. At the time I was just wearing panties. I wanted her to decide that if this was too weird, we/I'd end the relationship. Since my clothing choices have expanded to bras and now some loungewear/dress. I really don't feel like, or want to expand my wardrobe anymore, and my wife feels as if my clothing choices have reached their limits with her comfort zone. All in all I'm glad I did tell her right away.

[Joan]

I told my wife shortly after getting married, yes I know it should have been before. Luckily she accepted the situation and is tolerant & supportive but stops short of condoning my activity.

Joan

[PhylissH]

It is very true that we don't tell our spouses because we love them and want to protect them, but we are not really doing them or ourselves any favors. I have been dressing now for close to 40 yrs (since Jr. High ). Back then I had no idea that there were others like me and did not know how to find out. With all the information available today and the changes in attitude I think it is easier to come out today then years back. Still not as easy as we would like it to be.

It is not a feeling that will go away as I thought it might when I got married.( Another reason we tend not to tell our wives). I did not tell my wife of 28 yrs until about 8 yrs into our marriage. She took it fairly well, as I made it clear that I was not doing it for any other reason than it made me feel good. Today she is tolerant of it and allows me time to be my other self. The bottom line however is, at some point she needs to be told and find out by accident. this leads to trust issues that will never go away.. ( If you did not tell me about this, What else is there? ). Our wives are entitled to know plain and simple. Telling her may end the marriage, but not telling her almost certain to have negative consequences when she finds out by accident.

[Debbie Edwards]

I feel like I will never forgive myself for not telling my wife before marriage. She's been OK with it (after 8 years of marriage) but it's not how I was hoping it would be. In many ways it was easier when I was still in the closet / in denial. When I was in denial about being a CD I never had the amount of guilt and anxiety I sometimes feel now. If I could travel back in time....

[Kimberly Kael]

Hmmm. Well, of course I may have a slightly different perspective because I did tell my wife. She knew I cross-dressed from the moment we started dating, though neither of us realized how significant a factor it would be in our lives until years after we were married when I started expressing a desire to go public and transition socially.

That latter revelation was still scary, and that's a huge part of it. Fear. Justifiably so, as the prejudice against crossing gender boundaries is pretty deeply seated for a lot of people. Even if your wife doesn't buy into all of the associated negativity she's likely well aware that many family, friends, neighbors, and strangers will. I think it's self-serving to claim that anyone keeps the truth from their wives out of love and a desire to protect them. It may serve to protect the marriage, but that's not the same thing at all. Secrets have a long-term corrosive effect on relationships that shouldn't be underestimated, and the longer they're kept the more explosive an eventual reveal is likely to be.

So should you tell your spouse? That's not simple, either, for all the reasons stated above. Ideally you should have chosen a partner who is open-minded, doesn't fear being a culture warrior, and have revealed anything relevant in the early stages or your relationship. That's not exactly an option at this point for a lot of people. So what next?

Here's one suggestion: get involved in the fight against the prejudices which are at the root of the issue. It may not seem directly related, but speak out against the anti-gay movement, even if it's only in your home. Bring articles to her attention that emphasize the plight of other people and their struggles to be themselves. There are enough parallels there that if she can empathize, even build a sense of pride in fighting that particular injustice, then maybe you have an opportunity down the road. If not, you have a pretty clear preview of how she'd react to your revelation.

My wife wasn't exactly wild about me exploring my feminine persona in public along the path to transition, but it really helped her to meet other people and see their pain and their struggles. It was easier for her to be objective about situations that didn't involve her directly, at least initially, as we made gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender friends.

[Absaroka]

Kimberly it's a good suggestion and one that has been in place as long as we've known each other. I'm pretty sure she would be fine with crossdressing in any man in the world as long as she wasn't married to him. My daughter in fact has a picture taken of a male friend in HS wearing my daughters clothing and my wife thought it was charming. She also has a great many male gay friends. In fact one of her fears when we were first dating was that I'd turn out to be bisexual because so many of her other boyfriends had in fact been bi, more strongly weighted towards liking men over women, or just exclusively gay and using her as a beard.

This is actually not that uncommon. A lot of women might feel that crossdressing is fine in any other man except their husband.

I really don't think she'd leave me or anything like that. But I'm pretty sure, based on what I have told her, that she'd be irritated. The two people I know in f2f life that I've told about this, both of whom know my wife, have both said I probably shouldn't say anything more about it than what I already have. One of those was my therapist, another a good male friend. Of course if she came out and asked that would be different. She knows enough that I figure there is probably a reason that she doesn't ask anything.

Every now and then the laundry doesn't get done and I have no clean underwear, so I borrow a pair of hers. She has made it clear that she expects not to find skid marks, and other wise I think as far as she is concerned the most important thing about this is that they are a little too small for me. I posted that a while ago and several SOs here said they felt the same way.....

Zari

[Paulette]

I agree entirely with Kimberly's suggestions.

My first wife (in 1962) was not liberal, and accepted my confession before marriage but had only grudging tolerance for it past the excitement of rules violations and intentional kinkiness and being "punished" for it. The day-to-day of ordinary life with occasional bedroom CD became boring and irritating for her, and my compulsions eventually clashed with hers enough to result in divorce.

My second wife knew from before our marriage, but was always confused and hurt by it, so I put that portion of my life back in the closet for 40 years.

My new wife is wonderful about CD, in and out of the bedroom, and encourages me to think of taking it public as soon as I can do so. I don't know if I'll ever do so, even though she does an incredible job of helping me put together a look appropriate for my age and which is, aside from my voice and mannerisms, quite passable in all respects (my picture here is my first-time complete do and dress - not bad for a 71yo novice, a few months before we married). She's also as politically and socially radical as I am, but refuses to engage in activism. (I suspect that's due to being raised in rural Louisiana, where such behavior can exclude you from all family, religious, and social life.) I'm very, very lucky.

So yes, in my limited but varied experience, sharing as early as possible is best, though it doesn't solve all problems. When it works, it's wonderful. But keep in mind that 40 years of a mostly happy and successful marriage is (for me) worth tacitly agreeing to never bring it up and the solitary pain of hiding part of one's life and self from everyone, forever.

My advice? You makes yer choices and takes yer chances; then live with the results and do the best you can. No guarantees. No do-overs.

As the sun makes it new,
each day make it new.
Once again, make it new!

[Paulette]

Another reason why we don't tell our wives is that, for some of us, the thrill and sexual satisfaction of skirting the edges of discovery is the most exciting and fulfilling sex we've ever known. We simply don't know if losing that forbidden thrill will be worth the social and sexual fulfillment we find with a partner. So we don't risk it.

That's a pity, but it's understandable.

Good luck, whatever your own choice may be.

[Josephine (SO)]

a marriage should have NO secrets between the two parties, esp if it is one party holding out a huge peice of information about themselves that just might, probably would have a great infuence on whether the matrimony would have even happened. I don't know about anyone else however i took the marriage proposal very seriously and to heart, I was an open book and i expected that in return.

[Kimberly Kael]

Not having secrets is a great ideal, but even for the most open and honest couples it may be more of an aspiration than a reality. Do you tell your spouse in advance what you're planning to give them for their birthday? That's a secret. Do they know about everything that happened in your childhood that you were ashamed of? Those are secrets. Do they know how you really feel about their friends? Etc.

The reality is that we filter all the time for a wide range of reasons. I do agree that when you suspect you're withholding information that your spouse might be upset about, it means there's room for improvement. Sometimes there's work to do on both sides of the relationship, no matter which one of you is prone to keeping secrets. Having a partner who overreacts or keeps bringing your failings up long after the fact is no fun, and tends to encourage keeping more secrets.