the real reason many of don't tell our wives

[Leeza]

My wife knew before we were married as my ex told her before we started dating and I told her when it looked like things were getting serious. She was tolerant but not supportive.

Like Denise and Lori, I lost my wife of almost 37 years Oct 14 last year.

I know the feeling of loneliness and tears during the holidays. Our anniversary was Dec 22 followed shortly by Christmas. For years it was my wife that helped me get through Christmas as I would get very depressed during the holidays.

Similar to Denise's wife, my wife's birthday was near valentine's day - the day after. I used to kid her that I had no excuse to forget her birthday with all the reminders. Last Saturday I was in WalMart and all the reminders set the tears flowing. They were still going as I was trying to get checked out.

I won't say I am crying now, but if this was on paper, the paper would be wet.

[Elly (SO)]

I love this - And hate it all in one. It's such a double-edged sword!! I get get why he felt he needed to lie & hide - he gets why I feel betrayed.. I know that he did this because he wanted us to keep going, he didn't want to lose me- knowing & feeling are two very different things for me though. Since this 'came out' we've talked a ton, and I'm noticing that we're both understanding of the other though it doesn't change the outcome, all I can change is now, how we deal talk and treat one another now.

I admire him in fact... I can't imagine having this huge part of yourself that hurts so deeply, and having to deny etc- for so many decades. That takes a strength and a courage I've yet to know in myself. I urge ANY sig other to look at it from their view - because it's quite likely you wouldn't have had the courage to be honest, and it's even more likely for you to begin a dialogue and empathetic conversation from that view point. How do they feel? Are they okay? Is there anything you can do to help? But only after you know YOUR answers to those questions - for some it's a dealbreaker, for others a stumbling block; know where you stand, and discuss it all openly and honestly for the first time. It won't be "awesome" right away, and even when you think that there's nothing you've a problem with you'll be sure to hit a snag here and there... Just remember to keep balance & perspective, and above all else honesty. If it came about through deceptive means, know you'll have some making up to do-- and know that simple fact may not be the end all be all you once imagined it to be

I am so very proud of every CD, TG, all of you!!!! The SOs looking for advice or a starting point, everyone -- We all have to start somewhere, and finding where YOU stand is the key, the rest will fall into place if you allow it to!

[Paulette]

What I've heard time and again from spouses is that they are afraid that they will lose the man they married and that they will no longer be desirable to him/her.

Second, is that you withheld who you "really" are and lived and made them live a lie.

Third, that it changes who they are, and they don't want to be or think of themselves as a lesbian.

And fourth, they suspect (with some justification) that they are competing with another woman, yourself, for your love and attention, and they don't know how to do that - after all, you are always available to yourself and know exactly what you like in a way that she never can.

That's a lot to overcome, and I think we realize it on some level though not always consciously.

The fear of being shamed and rejected will diminish for future generations, especially in larger and more sophisticated/entrepreneurial cities. But that won't help us much now.

[Sandy K.]

I told my wife very early when we moved inn together.I new this relationship was something special and didn't want to ruin it but i didn't want to live a either.I don't know where the courage came from first to ask her out and second to confess my love of women clothes.It was the hardest thing to do. For me everything worked out lucky.I hope all you girls have the courage that i did and it works as well for you.I look back now and wonder what was i thinking. After 18 years i am glad i did. sandy

[Karin]

I'm another fan of being honest about this. Sure it's not the easiest thing to admit to anyone, yet alone yourself or those closest to you, but it can be such a good thing. My wife has bought me soooo many cute clothes since! and omg I'd have been lost without her teaching me about makeup!

[Absaroka]

Leeza as far as telling someone while we were dating,k all I can say is given some of the disturbed women I dated, I learned to hand out as little ammunition as possible. By time I knew my wife was not like that, I was in love and not about to risk talking about something which at the time I hadn't done very much in recent years.

Absaroka

[Paulette]

While I last was single, I didn't tell the two women I dated because I knew it wasn't serious and I knew they wouldn't accept it. One was a devout Christian (!), the other a Republican (!) real estate agent (!).

When I met the woman who was to become my wife I told her within 24 hours. I also told her that I wanted to marry her.

I've been an aware intuitive long enough to know when things completely click, and with Beth they did exactly that. So I told her and it worked out just fine. Wonderfully, in fact, despite major psychological issues, her divorce, and moving four times in the next two years. So it has been stressful, but except for a few moments, never stressful about whether we should be together.

I've said that my two previous wives did not accept my cross dressing, and that I'd told them both before we married. So I seem to need to tell before commitment. Just for having a fun relationship, with benefits, no. Serious, yes.

[Martina Hall]

My two wives were both not impressed with transvestism and did not like it one little bit. I should have dressed up for the first one right away, she would have dumped me, and I would have been better off. That goes double for #2.

[Paulette]

What are you looking for, a fan club, or a partner and friend?

You really do have to use your best judgement, rational and intuitive, before telling girlfriends, or even boyfriends.

And then you can't just meet them at the door in your size G inflataboobs and crotchless red rumba panties and expect immediate love and understanding. Establish that there's electricity, that you feel and smell and taste good to each other, and that there's some rapport beyond the physical. Then be gentle.

[Jina James]

I dressed occasionally from ages 15 to 17. I greatly enjoyed it, but it was just something I did. And I didn't do it that often -- maybe a dozen times over a three year period. At the time, at least, I had no sense that "I was one."

I completely lost interest, and I didn't dress at all from 18 to 26. I got married at 22 and said nothing because it never occurred to me to do so.

At 27, the desire returned, stronger than ever. I told my wife first, before I dressed again. Fortunately, she was supportive (or, at least, supportive at the level that I was then -- and now -- interested in. If I ever moved to a desire to dress full time at home or to out in public, I could expect to lose that support).

The first time I dressed again, at age 27, she was with me, dressing me in her bra and panties and putting on my make-up for me.

At 59, I'm still married to her and more in love than ever. I freely admit I'm more blessed than I deserve.

[TammyT]

Denise, Lori, and Leeza: I'm welling up pretty badly over here. My heart goes out to you all.

That latter revelation was still scary, and that's a huge part of it. Fear. Justifiably so, as the prejudice against crossing gender boundaries is pretty deeply seated for a lot of people. Even if your wife doesn't buy into all of the associated negativity she's likely well aware that many family, friends, neighbors, and strangers will. I think it's self-serving to claim that anyone keeps the truth from their wives out of love and a desire to protect them. It may serve to protect the marriage, but that's not the same thing at all. Secrets have a long-term corrosive effect on relationships that shouldn't be underestimated, and the longer they're kept the more explosive an eventual reveal is likely to be.

So should you tell your spouse? That's not simple, either, for all the reasons stated above. Ideally you should have chosen a partner who is open-minded, doesn't fear being a culture warrior, and have revealed anything relevant in the early stages or your relationship. That's not exactly an option at this point for a lot of people. So what next?

Here's one suggestion: get involved in the fight against the prejudices which are at the root of the issue. It may not seem directly related, but speak out against the anti-gay movement, even if it's only in your home. Bring articles to her attention that emphasize the plight of other people and their struggles to be themselves. There are enough parallels there that if she can empathize, even build a sense of pride in fighting that particular injustice, then maybe you have an opportunity down the road. If not, you have a pretty clear preview of how she'd react to your revelation.

My wife wasn't exactly wild about me exploring my feminine persona in public along the path to transition, but it really helped her to meet other people and see their pain and their struggles. It was easier for her to be objective about situations that didn't involve her directly, at least initially, as we made gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender friends.

This is an outstanding post, Kimberly.


I'm only 26 and still single, but I have read quite a lot on this being the eternal struggle with crossdressers: how and when to tell your significant other. Perhaps I'm wrong, seeing as I haven't had a painful event as experienced by some of you here, but I've decided that I wouldn't hide my feminine side for too long into the relationship (even the friendship prior to the relationship) -- I just don't want to surreptitiously hold on to such a big secret and potentially create division between us. The timing and veracity definitely varies from couple to couple, and you definitely have to feel your way through it; I figure there may have to be (fairly high) levels of trust and understanding in the relationship before one can take the plunge. Even then, I've also decided that I would wade into the water with her instead of belly-flopping into the deep end. It's important to remember that the conversation is two-way and that it can be an awful lot for a woman to take in.

My plan is much along the lines of what Kimberly said: talk about my sympathy to the unfair prejudices and injustices that the CD/LGBT community (and others) receive, and how I would rather show accepting love to individuals than forming blanket opinions and assigning blanket labels across entire groups of people. Maybe prior to that, when I'm comfortable, I'll also be a little bit girly with her perhaps by talking about fashion and her own tastes. Most importantly, I would be sensitive to how she reacts and responds in both cases, making sure I keep calm and don't overdo it. Her opinion will mean the world to me: I would want to get a good feel on what she believes and how she feels; as Paulette touched upon, we should be intuitive to know when things just click, and my intuition is usually very good (almost... 'womanly' ).

I'm not really surprised that most GG's are a little confused by us -- they would have needs, perceptions, and even fantasies as to what their man would be like, and our confessions are likely to harm those perceptions. As I keep saying on here, crossdressing is just an occasional form of expression for me. Overall, I still strive to be in the man in my relationship, and I also hope that my wife and I become best friends -- it's just that within that friendship, I hope for there to be shades (just shades) of us being girlfriends. I'd be willing to leave the details and boundaries up to her. If nothing more, I would be happy just being my wife's fashion consultant.

[Carol Esme]

I don't believe there is a right answer to being honest or being secretive. I've tried both with the same lady and sometimes it worked but sometimes being honest would have been disastrous. I didn't tell before we got married because CDing had been only an occasional thing for me and after meeting her I was seriously distracted by the joys of heterosexual exploration. A few years after our marriage though the desire to wear her clothes came over me with a vengeance. I was completely honest with her and she enjoyed helping me, taking it all as a great joke.
But then she realised I was taking it seriously, too seriously for her and started resisting the idea. Rather than fighting it out I went under deep cover for 30yrs. I dressed as Carol only when my wife was out or I was on a business trip. After my retirement I reintroduced her to the idea. She was shocked that I had lied and hidden something so big for so long but came to terms with me being Carol at home with her behind closed doors and drawn curtains. Honesty had worked again but I think our marriage would have died if I'd tried it earlier while the kids were still at home. Another year down the track I've come out to myself as wanting to transition. I've been honest with her about that change in my thinking and she is finding it hard to swallow. We are working together to find a way forward but this time I think honesty might have failed me. We'll see.

[Alora (SO)]

It is normal to re-evaluate any relationship simply because they are constantly
changing. Talking about will increase it's strength currently and in the long run.


Alora (SO)

[Bobby]

i told my so of 20+ years early on i was really! into nylons and liked wearing them. we added nylons for both of us into our 'romantic times'. not much else happened for years. at one point i bought clothes and a wig and we went out late at night for a drive. i then 'purged'. since april i've gone gung-ho, with lots of clothes, shoes, breast forms and a few wigs. last week she brought home a purple, halter-top paints suit for me [very 60's]. we hope to go to esprit this year, which will be my first time out. is she ready for me to go out in our small town dressed on a regular bases? only time will tell.

[Robbin_Sinclair]

Hi -- I just came upon your post about your wife. I have nothing to offer except ... love. Sympathy is not the word. Empathy is not the word. Love. That's the only word that works for me, now.

I'm late in life finding a whole world, transitioning out from a stress ridden legal job doing domestic violence work to nothing. Tried being an artist for a year, expanding my "visions" with drugs and alcohol. CD was discovered toward the end of the first year, something that was always partially there.

Fast forward, drugs, alcohol and CD all came before my wife and she was accepting. She was more concerned about the first two and simply asked to put the third in a suitcase for 90 days and we'll think about it then. That time passed and I'm here, a drug alcohol free now Buddhist CD.

I'm writing because I'm thinking about what would happen if I lost my wife. I'm just learning to love her. Life is so precious. Congratulations on the support group. My life is all about some kind of meeting everyday.

None of us will have back what we had. If those were the best days, so be it. Today is the day now. May this little message be some sort of help to make it wonderful as it can be.

Hugs...and love, robbin