Processing the loss

[Ginny Jones]

Recently I have been considering having my beard growth reduced by Laser. Obviously this is bouncing round in my head and I have noticed myself thinking - and it would be good to get my chest done, and ...

... and the question arises ... when does it all stop? I consider myself TG, but if I am honest with myself I know that up until I was 18 or so, I was TS (I know that's considered the wrong way round but hey ... that's how it was!) In my late teens I had such positive responses to being male that I think I felt that I had been "cured" in some way! Funny what goes through your mind isn't it?

Anyway - now that I am single again and the issue has resurfaced, I can clearly remember that overwhelming sense of loss that I struggled with as a child delivering papers to the local girls school.

And now? Well now I have a route to becoming more and more feminine. I attended a support group last night. The local Beaumont Rep had leant me a copy of a CD magazine and on returning it she asked me what I thought. I replied that much of the content was based around the notion of dressing services and that I didn't really want to get into that. Then I had 3 or 4 girls in unison saying "You don't need a dressing service!" I can't tell you how chuffed I felt!

Which brings me to the point of this post! So I'll have laser - but I don't think I'll go for hormones and surgery because actually I think that even if I had all of that - I would still be left with a sense of loss! I didn't grow up a girl, I didn't date like a girl, I was never a Mother, etc etc. The list goes on. At some point it's all about being ok with who you are! And being ok with that, involves an acceptance of dreams that never came true! Whilst I might chase correcting the "gender", actually it's the "Dysphoric" that makes life crap - and sorting that out brings up loss! In addition, valueing my masculinity is important - it's part of me and I get great feedback from the world in that regard.

Where that leaves me I'm not real sure right now! For me - I think passing is my aim and being able to do that certainly makes me feel good! But in my head, I think I need to really inhabit that process, not treat it as a fraud or a scam that I've got away with because every time I do that I send a memo to myself saying, "Ah yes - but you aren't really like that!"

Anyhoo - this is how I feel! I know lots of you will think differently and I really want to honour that! Bottom line is feel good about who you are in your own way!

Hugs Ginny xxx

[Carol Ann]

Hi Ginny dear ,
I believe the root question for you is who you are, now I could be very wrong.

I know who and what I am and have excepted it a long long time ago, I am a male who prefers to dress and live as a women. I know I could never be a full women as I believe my mine will not let me do it because my male side would never let go.

Since I was 14 and until this day I am a very happy crossdresser who has the best of two worlds but I do prefer my femside as far as it will let me go.

I am what I am and so are you, accept it and be happy.

[Anita]

Which brings me to the point of this post! So I'll have laser - but I don't think I'll go for hormones and surgery because actually I think that even if I had all of that - I would still be left with a sense of loss! I didn't grow up a girl, I didn't date like a girl, I was never a Mother, etc etc. The list goes on. At some point it's all about being ok with who you are!

Hi Ginny--
I may have more to say, but this jumped out at me this morning. If I'm following you correctly, taking action of this type would bring more pain in the short term, because it would open up the wounds of all you never got to do. If I'm right about this, I have my own version. If I solve some long-standing problems now, (at 61), and the solution is something simple that I could have done 30 years ago, I get a lot of pain from the fact that I didn't 'see' this earlier, when it would have made a big difference.

This is a real ego trap, and I've managed to process it to some extent. I go ahead and solve those problems, knowing that I will encounter the "Oh, why didn't I do this SOONER!" pain, and that I will go on through that pain, too.

[Anthony Simon]

Recently I've experienced a deep sense of loss. But when I try and think about it, work out what it's about, it kind of evaporates in my hands. Maybe that's like the Heisenberg uncertainty principle where if you try and get right to the heart of something it disappears.

So I don't know what it is except it has the sense of a kind of existential thing - like some big chunk of my life that went AWOL and is not now ever coming back. That sense, in itself, does indicate a kind of processing though - I mean that sense of loss means I know it's gone.

There's a line in the drag movie "Torch Song Trilogy" where the main character Arnold and his mother compare notes about the death of the people they loved. The conclusion is that the loss becomes part of you (implicitly like the person you lost was previously part of you) - like that's how you get over their death.

On what Anita says, as you get older (sometimes) you get wiser (at least that's the theory). So then you see stuff that you didn't see before. It's a pain (even a hell of a pain). But it's better than not seeing it at all. "Simple" solutions are the hard ones. They just look simple.

[Ginny Jones]

Anita - in a way you are quite right - though actually I think that I am already sitting with that pain - I thought I had a solution (my marriage) but once it fell through I am finding that the underlying issues are resurfacing. In some respects I think the sadness is one of the things driving me forward. One difficulty I have is that early next year i shall be getting some money. Not a fortune - but certainly enough to pay for transition. So the urgent bit for me is trying to get to grips with how far I want to take this and whether that would actually address the issue. Right now - I suspect that it wouldn't, whereas in my teens it would have been a heaven sent! So although I have a route available to me now - I'm not the person I was when I was a kid - the masculinity part of me is now substantial and well grounded. Transition would leave me in the same place. But it leaves me feeling sad for what might have been and I suspect that facing the loss is probably better for me than chasing something that I desperately needed when I was young.

Hugs Ginny x

[Ginny Jones]

Anthony, thankyou for your comment -it was helpful - I agree wholeheartedly! I suspect that in part I am trying to fill in a loss rather than accept it for what it is - something that I didn't get when I really needed it! So I need to sit with that and recognise it for what it is. Then I have to differentiate it from what I need now! mixing the two up is not the way to go for me!

Hugs Ginny x

[Davita]

Ginny, Maybe you're simply androgynous -- not quite male not quite female, or simply a reasonable mix of the two. Myself, I was diagnosed trans, but undecided -- meaning (to me) there wasn't a definitive explanation nor target defining my gender. As the years go by, I can see how I could be quite happy as a woman, but I also know it's not critical to my well being.

Do I ever feel like I lost out with the way I grew up and all that? Oh yeah, if you ever got to know the whole cycle of my dressing -- my attire, you can see I tried to make up for lost time. If I ever transitioned, would I feel I was stupid to wait so long? No... I had a life to live as it unfolded. I suspect it was better than if I took a different path than if I was going to transition way back when.

We can use our pasts to help not make the same mistakes twice (sorry for the cliche'), but to dwell too much on those past mistakes is simply a waste of time and effort. Know what you did and didn't do and use now to progress. I know it's an over simplification, but however life goes, you still have a direction and decisions to make to go that way.

[Ginny Jones]

Davita - thank you for your post. Like you I feel that I lived my life as it unfolded. I think part of the process of separating from my wife is that inevitably it made me think about my life before that relationship - and before that relationship I was hip deep in this stuff! When a relationship falls apart the question "did I make a mistake following that path?" is pretty much inevitable!

My daughter left for University today and so I think this has put a real point on this process for me! I've got lots of space infront of me and a strong feeling of loss behind me - so I'm weighing stuff up!

So that's what I'm sitting with - and its pretty uncomfortable I can tell you. The other thing I know however, is that it pays dividends to sit with this stuff. I get all maudling for a while and then eventually I reach a point of clarity / frustration and move forward.

So thankyou for your advice Davita - it was useful!

Hugs Ginny x

[Absaroka]

Ginny I really liked your post. I liked the acceptance of being somewhere in the middle. The sort of thing where the answer to the question " are you male or female" is no. The no referring to the word or. The right answer being male AND female....


If your daughter left for university today, well that is loss. I had a hard time for a couple weeks each time that my kids left for college. I'd suggest no major decisions for a few days.

Absaroka

[Ginny Jones]

Absaroka - thankyou for your lovely reply! I've heard from my daughter and it sounds like she is having a wail of a time! It's freshers week so basically she hasn't stopped partying since she got there! Now that I know she is alright - it's kind of released me from something and so I've been out meeting up with a number of girls from the support group that I attend and I'm having a wail of a time! Feels like some kind of parallel process! Anyway - she's just rang me up and asked me to buy her a amp for her bass so I guess she's settling in!

Hugs Ginny x

[Paulette]

Ginny, you may always experience regret at not being wholly one thing or the other. But that's a problem - the binary absolutist trap - that our culture imposes. Feeling regret for what we didn't do or become is universal, something experienced by everyone regardless of their sex or gender.

Our culture also says that if we're not male or female we must therefore be a freak, a Rocky Horror drag queen, a super-fem transvestite, an Intersex hermaphrodite, a misfit: something that belongs in a circus side show. This also is an imposed self-image that comes about from the tensions between our fear of being different, our desire to be accepted, and our need to be ourselves - but not knowing what that "self" really is. So we conform to a stereotype rather than develop and grow as a unique individual in a world of unique individuals.

You sound so grounded in so many ways. I hope your feelings also work for you, too, so that, more than being stuck in a box as one thing or another, you can be alternately either, or androgynously both, or somewhere in between, or on a tangent of your own; somewhere of your own choosing, perhaps changing a little from day to day just as you would change clothing to fit the occasion or match your mood.

When you grow and develop only a partial aspect of yourself, only that aspect matures. Your undeveloped and unpracticed aspect may be an awkward adolescent, or perhaps a shy or angry child, but not a fully self-confident adult with a developed aesthetic, style, and personality. Being whoever the hell you are takes practice!

So practice. Explore. It's never too late. See what works for you, where your talents and strengths are. It's not just a matter of finding "who you really are," but of who you want to become.
And it's only through the process of growth and development in all your aspects that you can be comfortable in your own skin as you age.

Be good to yourelf, but not too good!

[Anna]

Hi Ginny.

I think the following comment you made is very relevant:

The other thing I know however, is that it pays dividends to sit with this stuff. I get all maudling for a while and then eventually I reach a point of clarity / frustration and move forward.

I do think that's how we adjust to a new direction in life.

[Ginny Jones]

Paulette and Anna - thank you for your posts, they got me thinking!

I work as a nurse and spend my day talking about feelings so I feel pretty much at home in that arena. I can consciously remember pursuing that career because it enabled me to find expression for my femininity and that was a good decision. So in my adult life I have always thought of myself as having a wide sense of gender.

Once I separated from my wife and the dressing took off however I have really been extending that aspect of myself - playing with it. I'm the sort of person that thinks it's all very well thinking about how you want to be but you don't really know until you try it on for real - and trying it on for real will change you! So I'm thinking about stuff, I'm trying it on for real and I'm sitting with the feelings - and in this process I'm discovering that whilst I would rather have been born a girl - I wasn't. Hormones won't sort that out and nor will surgery. On the other hand, I am also realising that in thinking this I have written off more than I needed to! I can really inhabit that aspect of myself and have a great time! So I think I'll do that for a bit - see where it takes me!

I think that the trouble with being in a closet is that it confines you to thinking and feeling without so much doing! And any "doing" makes you feel guilty / weird. So I'm pushing what I can do - and enjoying it!

The binary gender thing is a crock as far as I'm concerned. I've never fitted into that notion and I find it a pale reflection of what I see in the world! Indeed one of the problems in my marriage was that despite her sex, my wife had real difficulties in expressing her feelings - so she kept busy instead! Everything was black and white - bless her!

I suspect at some point I might bounce back a little and spend some time doing the testosterone thing! I think that will help ground me. But today I bought two 1940's / 50's land-girl dresses, 3 belts and a pair of black mary janes and I feel as happy as a pig in the messy stuff!

Hugs Ginny xxx

[Amanda M]

Ginny, I'd like to say - take your time. From all that you say, transition would for you, be too big a step too soon.

Remember, the decisions you took in the past, and what resulted from them, were made with the amount of information available to you, and with the level of maturity you had then. All of that has changed.

Why not - for now at least - enjoy the best of both worlds!

[Ginny Jones]

Fiona - thank you for your reply. I think I'm going to take your advice - no rush / take my time / have fun! There is plenty of scope for joy in this way of experiencing myself and now that I've got over the surprise, I think I'm going to do that some more!

Hugs Ginny x