A question or two

[Anita]

Judith wrote:

I’d also like to say that it’s extremely hard for us too. It’s something that a person just couldn’t start to understand, unless they were the same themselves. It’s like anything which is part of a persons psych or personality, you can tell others what it feels like etc, but you can’t convey those feelings beyond words.

This has been one issue that has bothered me and angered me as much as any other I can think of. I grew up experiencing things that other people didn’t seem to understand at all, and feeling like a girl was only one of them. I always seemed to be off in a world by myself.

This in turn made me want to be able to experience as much as I could, so I could tell someone honestly: “I understand what you’re (feeling, doing, craving), because I’ve been there myself.” That would have meant a lot to me growing up, and I went to extremes to give that to others. Being a trans woman is just the latest instance of that desire. It is extreme, but I know that I personally couldn’t have been a good partner to a TS woman without going there myself.

So I know how hard it must be to be an opposite-gender spouse, and try to enter this feeling for yourself. Crossing gender lines to try to understand a partner is really difficult, and this is more a gender-related problem.

That is why I was so inspired to hear three different female-to-male trans men all say the same basic thing: “Since I’ve been on testosterone, I understand now why men behave like they do. I’m doing the same things, even though I don’t like all of them. I can’t sit in judgment of them like I used to.” To me, that is just magic. I wish we all could enter each other’s worlds like that. But transitioning is an extreme solution. More of the time, we’re left looking at the other person, and we wonder what’s going on “in there.”

[Anthony Simon]

...all this upheaval we’ve experienced could have been avoided, he knows that, but he has to live with the decision he made back then.

...I do feel for young men at times, particularly teenagers, who have such a dreadfully high suicide rate.
They grow up being conditioned to believe that they have to be ‘manly’, they cannot cry, which is ridiculous, it’s the first thing they do naturally when they’re born. I think that just as women suffer with the principle that there’s nothing worse than not being a man, so too do boys and men who may have characteristics which are not considered ‘appropriate’ for a male.
From my experiences in life I know boys can feel so isolated and made to feel as if they’re not ‘real men’, and outside influences can drive them to make life threatening decisions, and this is so sad. I do feel that boys are under much more pressure than girl’s to make ‘pack pleasing decisions’, which depletes their confidence to feel free to act in whatever way which comes naturally to them. I believe from what I now know, something similar had a detrimental effect on my hubby as a youth and into his twenties, and knowing and now realizing this, it helps me in finding ways to make him more at ease, and of course, just as important, it is helping ease my tensions and broaden my perspective, but it takes time...

I think the whole "real man" thing is terribly important. I mean you have an idea in your head of what you're supposed to do, be and how you're supposed to act to be "a man". You get endlessly told to "man up" or "stop being such a girl" when you're growing up and it doesn't really stop so much as become implicit when you're older.

People have different levels of CDing - and, at least when I was growing up, you don't really know what wanting to dress up means. I mean you know it's this terrible block against you being a "real man". But, at the same time the whole idea of "manning up"/"not being such a girl" drives you into hoping that the CDing would go away if you tried harder.

Or then there's the hope that if you were acting like a man - say by fulfilling the role of husband and father, or joining the army - then you would be a man and the part of you that liked wearing dresses would somehow understand it was wrong and would give up.

You say you're husband is a "devout introvert" (which is a pretty good line BTW). But that's what you're supposed to be as a man. Like that's a big part of the "real man" schtick - dealing with your feelings all by yourself and not "blubbing" to others - which is useful, for example, if you're in a war.

But being a "devout introvert" is liable to make you shut away your feelings from yourself, too. Like, if you like wearing dresses, you can decide that's just a blip. Like tell yourself it happened only occasionally and it's all over now, and all I have to do is "man up".

And the less you look at your feelings, the easier it is to convince yourself of stuff like that. And a lot of "being a man" depends on stuff like that - on believing that you are "a man".

I’d also like to say that it’s extremely hard for us too. It’s something that a person just couldn’t start to understand, unless they were the same themselves. It’s like anything which is part of a persons psych or personality, you can tell others what it feels like etc, but you can’t convey those feelings beyond words, I know something of this because of the work I do. People can tell you what they feel and what satisfies those feelings or makes things better or worse, but it’s impossible to experience their pain or what is driving them, it’s just not humanly possible, so people can say that others should be understanding, but as you may know, if it’s impossible for a person to understand something then there is just as much bewilderment for them as it is for the person seeking comfort and acceptance.

Well sometimes a look or a gesture can convey stuff that words can't. I have done it once when I had someone look at me sideways about the CDing and it cleared the air. But it took a level of self-knowledge.

[April Rose]

[quote]I’d just like to say this. I now have some knowledge of how difficult life has been for you and people of your ilk, and life shouldn’t really be that hard and painful , and you all have my sympathy and I wish it was a better world, but it’s what it is and unfortunately I can’t see any way in which it’s going to improve for you all. It’s just such a volatile subject when you bring it up, I know because that’s just what I’ve been doing when the opportunity presents itself. When I ask people what they think about men wearing women’s clothes, the reactions vary from a, don’t care, attitude to down right vileness, it’s very seldom one gets a positive reaction.{quote}

So, how will you go forward? To change it, or to leave it as it is? Cross dressing is a sociological problem. My whole life has been a discovery of this fact. It is like being a reasonable, non religious person in Afghanistan. You know you're sensible, you know you're not the problem, and yet the problem continues to exist. I have the greatest respect for women. As a child, my mother, widowed from the korean war, had both of her parents bedridden in her house, along with two very small children and still managed to work ,supporting the family. She was an organizational power house, working the system so that her family survived. The point being, whose side are you on? the dominant social stereotype, or those who are closest to you, who have shown you love, and who now need yours?

I know that you are hurting, innocently, and I am sorry for that. I really, fervently, hope that you and your husband can work something out. But your choice is to take his side against society, or society's side against him. I must say, I am glad I am in the position of the cross dresser, and not the cross dresser's wife.

[Wendae]

I now have some knowledge of how difficult life has been for you and people of your ilk, and life shouldn’t really be that hard and painful , and you all have my sympathy and I wish it was a better world, but it’s what it is and unfortunately I can’t see any way in which it’s going to improve for you all.

I really have a problem with your statements. "Ilk!" really pisses me off.
Honey you really need to consider what you are saying. I don't think you have a clue of the hell we've been thru. I'm a retired Marine with 2 tours in Nam. Let me tell you about how we are viewed.I don't believe this forum would allow me to spell it out. My wife of 47 years is still struggling with my CDing but has hung in there. As far as I know she hasn't taken a poll on the general feeling of the public on cross dressing.

[Anne Bonny]

I know for myself that desire to dress comes and goes, and because my wife is in the advanced stages of Alzheimer's the desire has really decreased. I do not want to upset her, that are also sitters and others coming and going, our teens their friends etc. There are things which dampen the desire. A realization that my wife was just being tolerant rather than accepting decreased my desire at least when she was around. but the desire is always there at some level. I do not believe it will ever go away because it is just part of who I am. If I feel openly accepted and encouraged I would probably dress much more frequently and enjoy it so much more. I think it is very sad to think that literally half of who we are we have to repress - and that I have spent a lifetime like this has not made for a very happy life - try having to suppress part of yourself that you really really enjoy and hide it even while you are burning to let that part of yourself out. Life in prison is what it amounts too and I have never felt that is fair or right but terribly wrong, and hurtful for people like us.

[Judith(SO)]

April,
thanks for your suggestions. I’d just like to put my point of view on some of what you said.
I really don’t see that there is a need to take sides. Taking sides invites confrontation, and confrontation in many cases leads to more dire problems.
To me there is both the fellow who wants to crossdress and the people who make up the general population, which you refer to as ‘society’, who each have their own real concerns, and both have valid 'arguments', for want of a better word.

I’ve had this conversation with my hubby more than once, and my view is that he and people of his ilk shouldn’t point all the blame at the public for how they feel about men who wear women’s clothes, if anyone feels anger then it should be directed at the men who sexually abuse women and children, as they're the ones who create fear out in the community when people see anything which they feel is in any way aberrant.

Let me qualify that I’m in no way suggesting that any of you are in any way child molesters, in fact research shows that child molesters are mainly men who have some authority and position of trust in the community, such as Priests, Teachers, Coaches, Relatives etc, and that in the main, child molesters are men who in every day life are seen as good citizens and good community people, and it usually comes as a shock when they’re exposed.

What I am suggesting is that these criminals are the ones you should be blaming and pointing the finger at for much of how the general public view you. Unfortunately when people see anything which deviates from what is considered normal behaviour then the red flag goes up, and I’d suggest that a man wearing a dress is not what one normally sees when they go shopping, to a sporting event or a restaurant etc.

A big part of the problem is that the majority of people in the community are like I was before I found out about my hubby. We (they) mostly go through their lives and never have contact with a Crossdresser, they never get the opportunity to get to know the real person behind the dress, but having said this, I now know that it’s quite likely that many people have constant contact with a man who crossdresses, but never get to know about it. I probably would have gone through life and never knew about my hubby if I hadn’t gone looking through the boxes in our shed and found his stash of clothing.

I’ll say to you what I’ve broadly said to my hubby, if you see it as a sociological problem and you believe you’re not the problem, then what have you done, or are you doing anything to help correct the problem with the people around you, or are you content to just allow the problem to exist and maybe fester and grow over time, because when we harbor things inside us which make us angry then usually there comes a time when pressure builds and things explode, and usually with unpleasant consequences.
I realize that with something like this one person may not have any noticeable effect, but as the Chinese say, :a journey of a thousand miles begins with but one step:. If each of you started out by educating those closest to you and around you, then like a wave, it would begin to spread out, it begins with an education program I believe, not sitting back brooding and allowing the anger to grow inside you.

As I’ve said many times, my husband is a good man, he is a great father to our three daughters and I’ve never had complaint about him as a husband, and at no stage have I ever contemplated abandoning him. He has the same thoughts I do, in that he won’t consider telling the kids until they finish their education and get settled into their adult lives, then we’ll see where he wants to go with it all, or where it takes him, it’s no good putting the cart before the horse, jump each hurdle as we come to it.

April, I’m not really hurting anymore, I’m sorry if I give that impression, I’ve moved past that initial stage, but I’m relatively new to this and people can growl at me or jump down my throat, but that only tells me more about them, I’m simply trying to educate myself so that I can be better with supporting my hubby as time goes on, I know he’s going to need it. I feel that it's possible for me to be supportive of him without actually being involved in it, what do you think?

It’s been a part of my hubby for most of his life so it feels natural for him, it’s new for me, but as I say to him, it’s not achieving anything by being angry with the general community because of their attitude and beliefs, because nobody has ever educated them as to the reality of it, so they are left to their own devices of how they deal with it and the views they form, which includes lumping everyone together who is seen as living an aberrant lifestyle. People in the community are somewhat tribal in that they do what everyone around them does and so their views are similar, and as you know, when something which causes fear or is seen as a threat to peoples normal course of life, then they band together as they feel there is safety in numbers and people absorb strength from numbers of think alikes.

I don’t see there is any need to take sides, my hubby is a reasonable man and he’s slowly getting more open minded and coming to see there are valid points besides his, there is always a reason why other people feel as they do, and why they formed their opinions, even when those opinions may ultimately not always the right ones, but in the absence of being supplied with the right facts they’ll continue with their own beliefs. Nobody will ever change anybody else’ opinion by confrontation, you will only reinforce that opinion. Opinions may be changed by constructive dialogue put forth in a calm manner, which includes reasonable facts which people can get their head around, it’s nigh on impossible for anyone to be reasonable if anger exists and confrontation occurs.

You and I have different opinions in that I’m glad I’m the Crossdressers wife and not the Crossdresser. I believe it’s much harder for him than I, he’s the one who has built a prison around himself by keeping part of his life a secret and restricting himself with something he needs to have in his life. Before you jump down my neck, I can only imagine how difficult it is to come out, but many people do, and if he’d even just come out to me all those years ago his life may in all probability have been a lot easier, it imposes such a burden on oneself to harbor something which you would rather be able to share with someone.
Knowing now how I’m coming to feel about it, I’m fairly certain that if he’d told me before we got married it would have been ok and life would have been so much better for him.
I grew up in the 70’s and 80’s and we were a fairly liberated lot, and I know we used to send shudders through our parents, although we never did anything real bad, but with age and parenting one becomes a tad more conservative, but I’m no homophobe, I have friends and work with people of many persuasions, life is what you make it in the main.

Sorry to have rambled on.


Judith.

[Absaroka]

Hey Judith

I don't post here much anymore although this place at one time was pretty important to me. As you've no doubt learned, the word crossdressing covers a lot of territory, from the transgendered to the merely playful and everyone in between.

With that in mind, what I'm going to say is true for me. How much anyone else relates I don't know, but I really doubt I'm unique.

Like so many of us, I started about age 8, with my moms clothes. It was at that time an extremely sexual thing, although I did not have the words to describe that. I also knew what kind of ridicule I could expect so I became reflexivly secretive.

This lasted till my early 20's, trying on clothes of my aunt, my mom, my girlfriend, and probably the neighbor when I dog sat while they were away-I'm not sure about that. In my early 20's, madly in love, I told my girlfriend, who was accepting but not comfortable. I should say that she'd spent a couple years in drug rehab in her teens and had every secret a boy has to tell there, so this made her a good person to talk to. I also liked making love while she wore sexy clothes, but didn't say much about this as I didn't want to call attention to this.

In my 30's I went to therapy, where the therapist was very good at getting me to tell him ALL my secrets. He had some interesting thoughts on this and they were helpful to me. I also got married, and after we were safely married I told my wife, who was also accepting but plainly uncomfortable. And so I continued, till my early 50's, playing dress up with my wifes clothing occaisionally and using it as and aid when I had sex by myself.

In my early 50's a bunch of stuff happened. I started participating in internet stuff and discovered just how much I was not alone in my clothing choices. They also started using checkout machines in stores so I could buy my own lingerie without dealing with the cashier. After that happened a few times, and I'd been coming places like here, I became comfortable with cashiers. By then I'd had plenty of practice buying girls clothing that was very obviously not for me at Xmass for my daughters, and buying stuff for my wife. But really, how many men buy bras at Walmart for their wives? (a couple of times I have bought my wife bras, and usually have to ask the SA for help at that point, and its always a fun experience.)

But something else happened at that time. I'd been self employed working alone at home for years, and very rarely dressed while doing so. All of a sudden I did. What changed? Well there was a hole in my life. The little girls who adored daddy were now rebellious teenagers. It did not go well, in fact I had to return to therapy to confront problems our family was having. It's probably no coincidence that this was when my dressing suddenly took of. The therapist certainly didn't think so.

Eventually things worked out. I get along well with my daughters again, my eldest and I spent a week camping and hiking in Yellowstone this summer, just the two of us, and had a great time. I found that I liked dressing, and my interpretation is that I became my own imaginary friend. Then last year my wife retired. She's home much of the time now. She would not be comfortable with my dressing, and since I like my secret identity I have no real desire to do so. I thought I'd really miss it. I don't. I think I got to do it enough. It only took about 7 years of doing it several days a week for hours at a time while home alone, going for long walks at night in my dress in the woods, camping in my fem clothing, and so on. My femme side is a tomboy anyway.....

The sexual aspect of it waned over time. Maybe that's just because I'm almost 60. The last couple of years of dressing, dressing wasn't so much sexual as more like my clothes were cuddling with me. This is what happened to our actual sex life as well.

So I don't do it anymore. Except......My wife is away for a week visiting friends. And so I have my imaginary friend here with me today. It feels fun, calming, enjoyable. No longer the thrill it used to be. But it was still the first thing I did after I got home from bringing her to the airport.

I've told her some. Not all. I've talked with my therapist and he says she really doesn't seem to want to know more. My wife is big on interpersonal privacy in marriage anyway. She's fond of saying that women who are married to strong silent men who don't share their feelings have no idea how lucky they are. It works for us. Theres a note in the dress up box for her explaining stuff in case I get killed in a car accident or something. Mostly it's there to reassure her that all I ever did was dress up, that there was no other man or other woman or anything else. A lot of the clothes in the box used to be her's. She gives me a big bag every year or so to bring to Goodwill of her stuff. Not all of it gets there.

I guess I'd say that the one thing I'd emphasize it that most of us don't tell our spouses because we do in fact love them, and value the relationship. You can read here about a number of people who's spouses couldn't handle being told. Some of us just won't take that chance. In my place given what my wife does know, it's also relevant that she doesn't ask for any more information.

What might make someone stop? For some of us, do it everyday all day for a few years. maybe.

Hope this helps

Zari

[Paulette]

Hello All!

First I must thank Judith for her wonderful responses and attitude. This is truly a safe place for some of us because of her.

Before I add my own notes, a brief recap of my life. Began dressing with mother's and then neighbors clothing at 12. Caught and then busted when I did it again (and again!) Electroconvulsive treatments for six months, which seemed then and now as simply punishment. So I stopped until I got out of the service, explored homosexuality and rejected it (without prejudice), and began secretly dressing again. Told my first wife, who enjoyed "dirty," but not enough to stop condemning me for being a transvestite. Spent four bachelor years determining that I really did prefer women. Married again and told, and though accepted, it was never understood or welcomed into our lives. Widowed after 40 years and married again but to a woman who enthusiastically accepted my dressing.

So, at 72 I'm happily married and having a wonderful time. My urges to dress are easily accommodated (we share clothing) and greeted with a grin of anticipation, and then we have a great time in bed. I have no need to dress in public, though occasionally I do enjoy under dressing, and sometimes walk in our woods at night, en femme.

Along with Judith I feel that I have an obligation to society to tell my story and make my position known. My son and friends know, and I've made it plain in Facebook notes and in my profile (Friend or Follow me: Eric Bagai) as well as in my personal blog that I'm a happy cross dresser. Having been a political activist and organizer most of my life, outing myself is very satisfying.

Now, had I not been punished, or had it not been obvious to me as a child that cross dressing was just not done, I might well have transitioned and spent most of my life presenting and living as a woman, though probably still more oriented toward women rather than men. But that didn't happen, and I can't live those years over again. (Did I mention I'm seventy-damn-two?) I'm comfortable being a man, I know how to do it well, and I simply don't know how to be a woman - especially a 72yo woman.

Like many my age, I'm a victim of my time. I see the kids around me accepting gender variance without turning a hair. Some, like my 44yo wife, even find it more interesting than hetero.

Do I feel cheated, have regrets? Well, yes. But we are all victims of our times. I didn't have much choice, but I did the best I could, which wasn't too bad. I've achieved most of my goals and aspirations, and am very happy with my life now.I probably wouldn't accept a do-over if I was offered one.

[Carol Ann]

Paulette,
You know hon that last little statement you made kind of stuck in my mine (" do over"),

Yes I grew up in the 50's and you and I know how it was at that time, "do over" got me thinking if the times were not what they were as far as being different (cd'ing) I may have lived my entire life different seeing as how my loveing mother excepted me and help me all she could to make her child happy with life.

something to think about one evening and wonder how life would have been

[Elly (SO)]

I'm gunna have to take some study break time to read all the replies... But as to the original post-
Skepticism has gone a long way with us & what we read online.. Sure there's some wonderful info that stands in "most" instances, but there's also a lot of misinformation or "pop psychology" that people throw around which isn't the case "most" of the time... Talk-- as you've both been honest, trust in the responses your partner gives you & vice versa. Ongoing discussions help too, just because right now things are going well doesn't mean feelings won't evolve etc.

As in any relationship, feeling loved & safe is vital. ANY external stuff or even internal stuff can throw this into a tailspin- dressing aside. It's merely a hazard to navigate & be aware of, kind of like any disability or medical condition you've got to know it's there & be ready to deal with it. You sound a lot lot lot lot lot like me, I always want to know what ifs, and possibilities so that I don't feel out of control... But with this, there's really nothing remotely like that we can gain. We can just keep talking, every day, and come to a, hopefully, positive place to cope together rather than drifting apart. To me there's something very very hard with admitting the smallest of things with respect to this, so it can morph as they grow secure in your support & feels safe to explore more aspects of themselves... In other words, what was thought to never be a possibility or what if, can eventually arise anyways so why waste the mental time and energy exploring all those things if we can't ever really know the a, b, c, d, or e's of a question!!

I didn't think I could participate either... I figured this would just be something for him... However, when I decided to make a leap in to test it out, I realized that I have so much fun with him- shopping, online or in stores, talking makeup tips, and just being with him- all of him rather than a fraction of societal acceptableness. I was more surprised by MY reaction to it than by the act/seeing/ participating itself. I realized quickly that while I thought I knew, I couldn't have... How can I generalize anything to this? I couldn't. Just like I couldn't say how I'd react in a bank robbery etc, only by going through it I know now! That being said, leaping without caution can be dangerous!! We talked and talked and talked about what we'd do if... if my reaction was terrible, if I wound up hating it, if he wound up hating it, if if if if! So going in we had a game-plan for a variety of outcomes, maybe that's why it worked so well because we could both be open & honest with how we felt/feel

[Davita]

Elly, thanks

A game plan is always a good thing. I have said to girls who are tired of being in the closet and trying to figure out how to escape it that they needed a plan. Something as simple as who can know and who should never know. They needed to decide what was ok about it leaking out from friends and family. We all need to decide what we can afford to lose not just what we think we will gain.

So thanks for mentioning planning.

[Judith(SO)]

Zari,
I can relate to what you said about your wife being accepting but uncomfortable with it. As I’ve said before, I believe firmly that my hubby should have told me before we got married, he had a duty to do that and it’s just plainly the right thing to do, but I don’t dwell on that
and don’t condemn him for his decision, and I haven’t mentioned anything about that to him for quite some time now and have no intention of re-visiting it as nagging will only get his back up and it serves no useful purpose.

As for what you said about you folk don’t tell your wives because you love them so much, well, to be honest, I can’t swallow that one I’m afraid.
My version is that you don’t tell, simply because you’re afraid we’ll walk and also think you’re weird, but as I’ve also said before, I believe the time for a guy to tell is when he realizes the relationship is getting serious, and the odds are that a girl who is very much in love will be much more likely to be accepting then than she is years down the track when there are many more things going on which could be more likely to be adversely effected by him disclosing.
Having said all this, I do realize that it’s probably one of the most difficult things for a man to do, and I admit that in his mind his reasons for not telling are very valid at the time, and I certainly don’t condemn a man for the choice he makes, but he must be prepared for the consequences if it doesn’t go well at some time in the future, and he should not blame others for his decision.

I would never ask my hubby to stop his dressing up because I think it’s a part of his person which more than likely needs ‘a fix’ when the demand comes over him, but it’s not something I can be comfortable with at this present time, so I just hope he can go on as he has for many years and not look to include me in his habit.

I’m still not sure if what he does is an endeavor to replace me with some sort of fantasy vision of a woman, which may be more stimulating to him than I am at this time in our lives, does that make any sense at all? He denies this, but I’m still not sure if I light his light as much as I used to, if you follow me. I get a feeling that he maybe trying to create a fantasy woman of his dreams, so to speak, I just don’t know.

One thing I have realized is this. When I first found his stash of clothes the first thought which came into my mind naturally was ‘woman’. It’s a natural thought when you see panties, panty hose, skirts and blouses etc.
As I came to find out more about his activity I found myself looking at him at times and looking for ‘the woman’, if you know what I’m getting at, but I find there’s no woman there, it’s only man, and those glances I used to sneak at him looking for ‘her’ were probably gnawing away at me and doing damage, but I’ve come to the conclusion that what he does isn’t about satisfying some inner female demand, it’s more of a sexual nature.
I may be quite wrong and maybe I’m trying to talk myself into something, I hope not, but I guess only time will tell.

I don’t want to get into taboo territory, but I think it’s a given that most men have a bigger and more demanding sexual appetite than women do, especially women over the age of forty, and if the fact is that he now uses his dressing up to fulfill a sexual need then I’m not going to put him down for that.

I’ve read where quite often when a man dresses up more and more the desire can wane, maybe it’s the old saying of ‘familiarity breeds contempt’, where once we can do things as often as we like, the excitement goes as it’s no longer a covert activity, maybe, I don’t know, I’m just surmising.

I do relate to how your wife feels about interpersonal privacy within a marriage. My hubby is quite an introverted fellow and he would fit the description of the strong silent type.
I certainly wouldn’t call him prosaic though, there’s nothing ordinary or dull about him, he’s always just been a private sort of a guy.
I’m not sure I’d agree with your wife about ‘feeling lucky’ about it, he can be quite frustrating at times, but that’s him and I suppose if we analyse it all, it’s no one big thing which brings us to love someone, it’s a multitude of little things which go to make up the whole person, and that’s the person we love. Some things we have to look past, just focus on the good and the other will look after itself, all of us can only do the best we can in any given circumstance.

Thanks for your input, it’s been enlightening.

Thank you again.

Judith.

[Anthony Simon]

Judith, I've picked out a few bits from your response to Zari:

...I just hope he can go on as he has for many years and not look to include me in his habit....

As I came to find out more about his activity I found myself looking at him at times and looking for ‘the woman’, if you know what I’m getting at, but I find there’s no woman there, it’s only man, and those glances I used to sneak at him looking for ‘her’ were probably gnawing away at me and doing damage, but I’ve come to the conclusion that what he does isn’t about satisfying some inner female demand, it’s more of a sexual nature.
I may be quite wrong and maybe I’m trying to talk myself into something, I hope not, but I guess only time will tell.

I do ...My hubby is quite an introverted fellow ....a private sort of a guy.

About you trying to look for 'her' in your husband and not being able to find anything. You're never really going to be sure on this issue unless you see him in the clothes. When I get dressed up, quite suddenly, my gestures change and I get taken over by her. I'm not saying anything as dramatic would occur with your husband, but you might see something.

If you don't intrude on your husband's privacy in this way you're always going to be denying yourself essential information. That doesn't mean you want to be included in what he does - or that you accept it.

[Elly (SO)]

I can completely relate to your feelings that he should have told you before you found out... For my CDer, it was more of a wait and pray it goes away type thing-- of course we're still coping with all of that but trust can be won back pretty easily over time!!

As far as the finding her in him-- Same as Anthony said. I didn't see it, until I saw the full dress up and the gestures changed, the everything but fundamentally still the man I fell in love with and the person that I'd give anything for and to!! I think we're lucky in that I can participate and enjoy myself while letting him be fully truly who he is inside... Should he have told me? Probably, but I can completely understand why he couldn't/didn't tell me... Just keep chugging, things'll make sense how they're supposed to for you Keep the communications and honesty flowing!

[Denise Douglas]

I'll add a couple of thoughts here. I started like many others, at a young age with my mother's clothing, it continued on for many years and often at society's behest, I would stop and get rid of all the female clothing I had gotten. After my first marriage dissolved (and no CD issues were involved there), I continued on for a number of years, dressing/purging, dressing/purging in an endless cycle. Any mention of CD activity seemed to bring a dating relationship to a quick end. Fast forward to 17 years ago when I met the woman that later became my secomd wife, I wanted to tell her early on, but my previous experiences made me keep that info to myself, maybe this time it would be different and the CDing would go away. We built a very loving and trusting marriage and after a couple of years I finally talked with her about it. To my surprise and delight, she was very accepting and open to this and what followed was many talks and sharing of ideas, over time it became obvious to us that not only was I interested in CDing, but that I may have some gender issues as well. We had some tough years with her health issues, but right up to the end she was extremely supportive and caring about my gender issues. Unfortunately she passed away in Sept of last year after 14 years of marriage, but she had told me a few years ago that whatever I wanted to do regarding my gender issues was OK as long as I did not have surgery. So I'm at the far extreme end of things compared to your husband, but I share this to show that husbands and wives can get through the troubling time of first finding out, reach peace with each other and go on to live a full life together. I hope that you and your husband can do so in your own lives, good luck!
DeniseD