I yam what I yam

[Paulette]

I was totally chickenshit about coming out.

After 69 years as a teacher, academic, programmer, Marine, husband, father, publisher, magician, juggler and knotter (not in that order) and closeted CD, I finally told my son and announced it in a FB Note and on my blog.

I was afraid of what I might lose, of what others might think, or what I'd think of myself. Three of my four sisters but while neither of my two brothers congratulated me on coming out, neither did they slam me. Old girlfriends, some male friends, and a few ex-students also supported me. My new wife fully supported me and even encouraged me to dress more often. My parents had already died and I was effectively retired - nothing really in my way. So why haven't I transitioned?

Telling was a great relief, but it didn't change much. I've never wanted to be a girl for a moment, have no interest in transition, and while curious about my ability to pass, that feeling is about the same as my desire to see if I could make a living as a street performer. I learned that I could support myself busking, and so satisfied myself and no longer really care. And I'm satisfied with my image (that's my actual en femme picture here, up in the left corner), and don't need to prove it to myself any more. I could devote my remaining years to developing a feminine voice and movements, but why put myself to all that bother? It's like learning that wearing a wig, makeup, waist cincher, bra and forms, shape wear and hose is possible, and it feels good for a while. But all day? Hell no. It's damned uncomfortable, and comfort means a lot these days.

Having a periodic erotic obsession with dressing in women's clothing is quite different from feeling gender dysphoria. I grew up as a boy and learned to do boy and then do man quite well. I'm good at it. I also have an idea of what it is like to be a girl and to grow up as a girl (I'm a developmental psychologist and strong feminist), and I know that at this age I simply can't get there from here.

Every week or so I can (and do) suspend disbelief and play or pretend or assume a role for an hour or two, or while making love to my wife. But that's it, really. I can't be the ten-year-old seductress in my head - too many years, too much life already lived.

"You can't go home again." "You can't step in the same stream twice." You also can't actualize a fantasy from childhood that was never really true. You can only live it again, in your mind, (cue Leonard Cohen) for a while.

Meanwhile, there's my life to live - and (always, always) trying to understand myself. It's like taking a test to understand where on the curriculum you are now, so you'll know what you need to learn next.

Had my parents not subjected me to a series of electroshock treatments when I was 14, had they accepted that I wanted to wear girl things, I might have eventually transitioned. But they were who they were and it was twenty years before the sexual revolution and forty before the T was included in GLBT.

What's important is not that I suffered, but that I survived, and according to my own lights did well. Regrets? Not really. Some wistfulness about what might have been, but everybody has that.

The student asks, "If life is illusion and we are ephemera, why must I make up my pallet and clean my room?"

The master answers,"It's good that you've learned this. Now go make up your pallet and clean your room!"

[Virginia]

Well, how about that? We are almost, almost the same age, well, I may be a bit young. A whole lot younger? Maybe only a couple of months

Our means to the current "end" may be a bit different, but the attitudes developed over a lifetime are somewhat the same.

Like you, I dress when I want, I go out when I want (love going out)! I have gone to movies, concerts, dinners. "events," shopping, just about anywhere, i want! Just like a GG! I have reached, well many years ago, I go out and it does not bother me to go out! I guess I am fortunate in that, for what its worth, I pass. Yes, I have been read, but it was my voice, so who cares!?

I have a style that when I dress, I call "conservatively sexy!" I wear short skirts, low cut blouses, tight sweaters, tight slacks, 3" - 4" and sometimes, 5" heels! I have even worn a bikini (just around the house, well a couple of times on my boat, too!)

My theory is that "We are the next stage in human evolution!"


Sex, well lets just say, I have or was born with "a gift." Most people probably don't believe me and until I see their name on my paycheck, I could care less. I can have female orgasms. I can assure you it is far different from male orgasms. It is actually quite wonderous!!!!


And, as for who knows Virginia, again, I could care less, however, I "introduce" her on a "need to know" basis!

And our journey on spaceship earth continues..................................... and I am loving every second of it!!!!

My motto! "Go forth WOMAN and BE!"

Love,

Virginia

[Davita]

Now you have 31 more years of not worrying about coming out.....

[Jina James]

"a periodic erotic obsession with dressing in women's clothing"

That's it. And "every week or so" works for me, too.

I'm eight years younger. I've no desire to go public, and it's a good thing. I have no chance of passing, and, for now at least, I can't afford the risk to job and family. If I could pass -- who knows? My wife is supportive of the present situation at home. I have what I need and want.

[Anne Bonny]

Hum. I have no plans to transition either and find I am also a part timer but sounds like my frequency may be a little higher and in my case I do sense this intangible gender thing that Is definitely there If I had to bet it would be that my gender while mainly on the male side, is a blend.

Sounds like what you are doing works for you, you are out to everyone sounds good to me Paulette.

[Ralitsa]

Amazing how much things have changed in a few decades: from electroshock "therapy" through counseling and harassment, to finally nobody really cares much.
The kids now seem to have it really easy now, and I'm glad they do, and kind of jealous that I'm too old now to wear all those sexy styles that I drool over.
Well anyway, I like to think that what we went through (and in my case I didn't have it so hard actually) is making it easier now for everyone else to be what they are.
I try to set a good example, and wear clothes that are stylish and appropriate. I wonder how many teenagers see me and think secretly to themselves "well if he can wear a dress maybe it's ok for me to do it" even while they are joking with their friends about that crazy dude in a dress.

[Requal Jo]

Congratulations Paulette. You have more courage than I.

I to am in the 60's and as per Jina, I have no intentions of going public: just private me. My wife knows but still remains somewhat apprehensive so I do not push the dressing too much, although I would like to more often.

[Rikki]

Same answer as Jina and Raquel. I cherish the times that I get to be and feel as "Rikki". They are special. I feel lucky to have those times, that I didn't have to go through my entire life secretly yearning to be dressed in frills and flounce. Although, "Rikki" still is a secret from my loved ones and the great unwashed I am thankful at least to being able to cross (no pun) dressing in full skirts and petticoats, hose and heels off my bucket list before I croak.

All the best to everyone here, you're the bestest!!!

Rikki