Respecting boundaries

[StormyDixon (SO)]

I thought my dh and I had an agreement about respecting my boundaries, one of them is that I don't want to see him dressed, nor do I want a mental picture of him in short, slutty skirts and stripper shoes. I gave him advice on tasteful clothing and even allowed it to hang in the closet we share. This morning I found one of his shirt south skirts on the bookshelf in iur bedroom, told me he had worn it, decided it was too short and was going to get rid of it. But then he went on to tell me I over reacted and I should to be upset about it.

He manages to use discretion around the kids, why should I receive any less? Now the entire day is ruined while he sulks that I am preventing him from being himself.

I am so frustrated

[StormyDixon (SO)]

Then he tells me that he thought our love was strong enough bull crap, he did NOT tell me this about himself Before we were married, why is he allowed to change the rules now!

[Anthony Simon]

This morning I found one of his shirt south skirts on the bookshelf in iur bedroom, told me he had worn it, decided it was too short and was going to get rid of it. But then he went on to tell me I over reacted and I should to be upset about it.

I think he's trying to get you angry but I don't know why. Like he's pressing your buttons. Is there a back story to this other than what you've said above?

[StormyDixon (SO)]

No back story, I gave him freedom to hang his female clothes in the closet we share as long as it is tasteful and not over sexy. He told me I don't take him seriously and I said I have trouble taking anyone seriously when dressed like a hooker. He agreed to remove that style of dress and replace with more tasteful age appropriate clothes. But apparently he had some hidden and wasn't careful enough to keep them hidden.


*** Post edited to remove redundant quote, as per: http://crossdressers-haven.com/forums/v ... 65&t=10059" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false; - SL

[Anthony Simon]

He seems to get something out of these slutty-type clothes. Often that can be a stage CDs go through.

Maybe he 's going through the process of giving that stage up now. But isn't going to go down without a fight.

[StormyDixon (SO)]

He keeps saying that it is only clothes, but apparently that is not true. He loves those clothes more than me.



*** Post edited to remove redundant quote, as per: http://crossdressers-haven.com/forums/v ... 65&t=10059" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false; - SL

[Virginia]

Hi Stormy,
I don't think any of us here on this forum are qualified to give you advice on how the two of you should proceed with this situation. Judging by some of your comments, like your feeling that he is "changing the rules." says that this conflict, if you will, goes a lot deeper than our limited resources can affect.

If you feel this marriage is worth saving then you should both consider a professional, qualified in both marriage counselling and having a working knowledge of cross-dressing/transgendered folk. Beyond and NO OFFENSE TO ANY OF MY SISTERS HERE, but I would take our advice "with a grain of salt."

Good luck and I think it would be helpful to some of our members that, if you can, share with us, as this situation progresses. It may be helpful to some of the others that are in somewhat the same situation.

Virginia

[Eileen (SO)]

Dear Stormy,

Fortunately, my dh went through the slutty stage when still hidden. That would have been a much bigger problem. It seems unlikely that all this time, he 'accidentally' left out a style of skirt that ticks you off. Then blames you for your own anger. Yes, he did change the rules. You married a man with no gender issues yet still are willing to compromise to make this work for both of you.

Hon, we all like to dress a little slutty sometimes, but a married woman should only do so when out with her husband. And what is risqué for this mature lady is much different than for a 20 something. Never do I dress only for my own pleasure. An older CD still dressing slutty is more of fetish wear than merely cross dressing. Going out dressed like that should not be tolerated any more that if it were a daughter.

Dressing female is his issue, accepting is yours. Tasteful, age appropriate clothing in the same closet is a big compromise on your part. He hasn't given an inch.

Does he meet with other CD's? Peer pressure alone should nudge him toward better styles. Seek counselling if possible. Try to find a CD group meeting to attend. Getting out as a woman among others may be a more fulfilling thrill than fetish wear.

Best of luck!
Eileen

Oh, I had a thought for a turnabout. Find a really tight sleeveless t-shirt, no bra, and cut some old shorts like the Daisy Dukes and go out shopping. See what he says about that! If you dressing as a hooker/slut is wrong, than he has a big problem to deal with. Reality face slap smack dab to the forehead.

[Carol Ann]

Stormy,
I have been opening dressing in front of my wife since day one BUT I don't push her.

Now the truth be told they are only clothes that cover the body, male or female what difference does it make?.

[Stephanie H]

Listen to Virginia!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[StormyDixon (SO)]

Stormy,
I have been opening dressing in front of my wife since day one BUT I don't push her.

Now the truth be told they are only clothes that cover the body, male or female what difference does it make?.

Slutty clothes are offensive to me regardless of who wears them.

[Carol Ann]

Stormy,
Yes dear I will give you that, must have overlooked it in your post.

I dress respectful, fashionable, and my wife will always tell me if she approves of and outfit before I go out.

[Eileen (SO)]

Through discussions at home, I have been informed that some CD's are much like what we feared.

Some men have desires to portray as female to satisfy a dual gender need. Then there are those that get sexual pleasure by dressing in very provocative female attire. Dressing as a slutty hooker type with little regard to make up or even trying to look female but for the clothing. The intent is for erotic self pleasure.

These types are usually not accepted in the CD community as they bring ridicule to the group and reinforce the false stereotype that CD's are sexual perverts.

Our sister Stormy should evaluate if her husband is still in the thrill stage of dressing at too young an age, or merely using clothing for erotic pleasure. If he is truly a man with a feminine side, he should heed a wife's boundaries to gain acceptance.

Eileen

[DonnaT]

How does one define a slutty skirt?

To me, it is a skirt so short that it barely conceals one's panties when standing.

I've got several short (not as short as above) skirts I like to wear around the house, just because I like the way my legs look in them. At no point do they flash my panties, heck, I've a grown son around the house.

I'd say I'm a narcissist when it comes to looking at my own legs.

I'd suggest a proper clean out is in order to remove any offending clothes remaining. Then he won't have an excuse of forgetfulness.

[Paulette]

There are many reasons why some CDs are fixated on slutty dress, and sometimes lie about it.

-That's what they thought sexy women wore when they discovered their CD impulses.
-Having kept their CD a secret, they have never developed a more mature image of themselves and so dress much younger than their actual age.
-Having kept it a secret for so long, some excitement may come from almost being discovered.
-And so on.
-Their original image of themselves was of a much younger person than they are now, and has never had the feedback that young girls get as they mature.
One way to develop a more mature image and dress is though interacting with groups of CDs who gather to dress en femme. Some even meet at accepting restaurants or at events where they would be accepted. The largest such group in the US is the Tri-Ess - The Society for the Second Self.

Another thing to keep in mind is that for some, cross dressing is not just an obsession over which they have little control, but a process in which they become progressively more involved. This process will probably help to make their taste in clothing more mature, but it may also require new "boundaries" periodically.

About such boundaries, I think the best you can hope for is a free an open discussion. Re-negotiation presupposes that boundaries can be negotiated. I've found that free, open, and blame-free discussion may even keep things relatively stable, and may slow progress toward transition.

Regarding all of this, I'd strongly recommend Helen Boyd's second book, "She's Not The Man I Married." It is not only the best book I know of by the spouse of a CD on what it's like being the spouse of a CD, it's also offers the best functional understanding of gender that I know of.