The mental image in my head

[StormyDixon (SO)]

Dh and I just had another long discussion about my short comings as an accepting wife. I fail to understand how I have failed him. He wears womens panties daily, he femme wardrobe is in the closet we share, his toenails are painted daily. He works from home and dresses daily while I am at work. How do I fall short? Our sex life is suffering greatly due to his need to come to bed in panties so he can feel closer to his true self. My shortcoming is that I don't want to make love to a man in panties, it is a turn off. He wants me to send sexy little messages thru out the day, but I can't knowing that the man I am flirting with is wearing a dress.

Am I the failure he makes me feel like I am? Is he truly alone and still in the closet? I am alone and now forced to keep his secret. I so badly want to talk to someone who truly understands my pain and confusion, but when I asked if I could speak to his mother (who has known about his true self since he was a young boy)he forbid it.

I am so lost

[Anthony Simon]

When I go into "my woman", I can sometimes feel lost - like I don't know who this person is. At the moment your husband seems like someone who just keeps demanding stuff when he goes into his female persona rather than a person per se.

Is that you feel lost because you can't locate the person you're dealing with? I mean although he calls this his "true self" can you locate a self in there?

[StormyDixon (SO)]

No I can't locate a self in there, all I see is a selfish woman who only thinks of herself and gives no thought to how her words and actions affect others. It is almost like she is going out of her way to drive a wedge between me and my husband.

I feel lost because it seems none of the strides toward acceptance matter to him. He only wants more.

[DonnaT]

He needs to understand that his being trans is similar to your being 100% heterosexual. If he's 100% heterosexual, ask him if he thinks he could change his sexual orientation if you asked him to.

That is what he is asking you to do, it seems. He wants you to think of him as a woman, and in doing so, he's also asking you to change your sexual orientation.

If he's not asking you to think of him as a woman, why are you?

[StormyDixon (SO)]

He is asking me to consider sex with him in panties
He says I need to accept her since they are one in the same
That seems to me like I should view him as a woman

[Anthony Simon]

It is almost like she is going out of her way to drive a wedge between me and my husband.

In the sense that she's trying to create an anger you can't get past.

[StormyDixon (SO)]

Maybe, I just don't understand the pushing of boundaries, the resentment that I don't do enough, like I said I am so lost

[Anthony Simon]

Well, the resentment may exist quite apart from you. Like many CDs feel resentful about being bottled up by society. I mean, if you feel lost, it might be because [s]he's actually projecting problems rather than relating to you as you are.

[Paulette]

Dear Stormy,

He needs counseling, now.

If your description is accurate, he's behaving in a selfish, self-centered, and narcissistic manner, and asking you to accept it, presumably as part of your spousely duties, and to conform to his needs. What about his duties to you? What about your rights to your own self-concept? What about your needs? What was the understanding of his and your needs when you agreed to marry? How have they changed?

Sounds like a very difficult relationship.

Some spouses do agree to meet such needs. Some don't. Some negotiate day by day.

You may well need counseling, too.

Long before my wife and I agreed to marry I let her know and showed her what I was like and what I wanted. It happens that my cross dressing was the least of her concerns, and we still each had a lot of changing, accepting, and negotiating to get through. I even volunteered for surgery to fix my erectile dysfunction. (It worked just fine and was even affordable, thanks to Medicare.)

All things in marriage are possible, but not always easy or necessary. Do the work, get professional help.

What comes to mind here is "Things fall apart. The center cannot hold."

[StormyDixon (SO)]

Well, the resentment may exist quite apart from you. Like many CDs feel resentful about being bottled up by society. I mean, if you feel lost, it might be because [s]he's actually projecting problems rather than relating to you as you are.

That does make sense, thank you


Paulette -

The arrangement we had and what I thought was working for years, was that as long as I didn't see it or be expected to participate I was cool. Last Halloween, he went against our tradition of dressing up as a pair or something and decided he wanted to be a witch. He got lots of attention at the expense of my Halloween being a huge disappointment. Everyone, even his kids and mother laughed at him. His other grabbed his boob, I was horrified, humiliated and embarassed. Since then he has decided he wants it all out of the closet and I have been expected to conform to this new normal. Which I think I have done quiet well in such a short amount of time. See my original post for the things I have accepted and am somewhat comfortable with.

The catalyst for this latest tirade was when he wanted to go thru a bunch of my old clothes that were going to goodwill. Instead of saying I am not comfortable with that, I said nothing in there will fit him. He outweighs we be almost 50 pounds. He said that he has ways to make himself able to fit, which made me think he views me as a lot fatter than I actually am. Of course when I told him that hurt he turned into the spoiled selfish woman and went on about how alone he is, how I don't accept him, blah blah. Then I came across something designed to cover tattoos, and stupidly asked him why he wanted to cover his tattoos, he went thru the roof and again told me what a horrible partner I am to accuse him of wanting to cover his tattoos, it was to cover his beard and I had no business snooping, I am a hypocrite for not accepting him and how don't have sex with him enough regardless of what ladies undergarment he insists on coming to bed I .

I sobbed until I was exhausted and am not sure I have what it takes to make this work. I can't so this for both of us. I try to talk to him and he makes me feel like I am horrible for not blindly accepting something I don't understand.

[Carole Hill]

I do not know if I can add any wisdom to what has already been written but, I can offer my sympathy for what you are feeling. As a CD myself, I can understand to some extent how he feels. However, it is unfortunate that your husband is not appreciating what you have already done in the way of accepting. IMHO, he is being selfish and self-centered, based upon what you have written.

If, by discussing how each of you feels, the two of you are unable to arrive at some sort of agreement as to what activities are acceptable, it may be necessary to obtain expert counseling as a way to save your marriage and preserve your mental health.

I wish both of you the best.

[StormyDixon (SO)]

I just tried to talk to him, since he has been giving me the silent treatment all day. He complains about our sex life and I remind him how the panties are a turn off, I get "what about My needs"

I didn't think I could cry anymore, well stupid me, I was wrong

I think his femme persona is selfish and cruel how can they be one and the same? He sure won't explain it to me, just to say that I will never understand

I am at a loss, I feel like he hates me, he won't speak to me without cutting remarks and threats to hide things from me

What do I do

[Anthony Simon]

I think his femme persona is selfish and cruel how can they be one and the same? He sure won't explain it to me, just to say that I will never understand

I am at a loss, I feel like he hates me, he won't speak to me without cutting remarks and threats to hide things from me

I don't think he hates you. I think he's got himself wound up. Like we were saying before, he's projecting onto you. The trouble is, once he's in this state, once you fight back it's like throwing fuel on a fire.

What do I do

If you can, try to bear with it. I think that's the best use of your resources.

[Kelly]

Stormy, I am truly sad that you have to be going through all of this. You feelings of dismay and frustration are genuine. Judging from what you have said, you have done nothing wrong. Remember that.

It sounds to me the hubby desperately needs to live out some fantasy and that you are the only means for that to happen. That is a possible reason for his behavior, it is not an excuse for his behavior. There are things you are willing to do and things you are not. It is unfortunate that he is not able understand that.

So what do you do. In truth, I can't tell you; neither can anybody else here. For as much as you have shared, none of us know enough about both of your situations to give sound advise.

With that said, here are some considerations (please read with a grain of salt).

Wedding vows don't confer the right to forbid a spouse from talking to anyone they darn well please. If you think you can gain insight - or even solace -from your mother-in-law than do so.

In a truly shared house hold there are no secrete drawers. Innocent questions about what is in a drawer are just that - innocent. Everybody fills in blanks when they find something unexpectedly. Just say you filled in the blank; if your wrong, ok, your wrong. If vitriol comes back, shrug and tell him his knickers are too tight.

Um, sex wearing panties? Where I come from panties are the first thing that gets lost when sex is concerned. Why that is an important starting point for him is lost on me.

The suggestion of forbearance has some merit, maybe the temperature is just too high and things just have to cool down. You are then in the state of rational people having a rational discussion. The risk here is that forbearance can morph into a permanent hell things don't cool off. That can happen if, say, the notion of transitioning are being seriously considered or any other of about a gazillion reasons.

The other suggestion to seek professional help is a good one. Do it for the sake of your happiness. Do it for the sake of your marriage. Even if you have to go alone, just do it.

I've probably already said too much. I feel bad for you and hope that you can find a better place.

Kelly.

[Eileen (SO)]

Resenting society, projecting onto you, pffft. This man is selfish and abusive, plain as day. Most CD'ers would love to find such an accepting wife as yourself. He needs counseling or a new place to live.

This is good a time as any to share a couples story.
At one of the meetings I rarely go to, there was a discussion about one member who has gone full time femme. Facial surgery, hormones, and saving for the final surgery. The wife was also there. I did not have a chance to speak with her.
During conversation with another member about transitioning made a great impression. I'll call her G. G introduced us to his/her wife and said, "This is my soul mate. She knew of my cross dressing before we were married. But she married a man, I would never change my body without her approval. My duty as husband is to please my wife. In return, she pleases me."

I really liked G's attitude. As accepting as any wife could be, I married a man, in and out of the bedroom. Actually, I'd rather he have a little femme time at home than wasting time and money with buddies at some bar. Most of life involves some sort of compromise anyway.

Eileen