How we got this way.

[Paulette]

I think I've figured out some of why so many of us dress to stand out, and why it's usually much too young and much to sexy for the occasion.

This is speculation based on my own experience and observations, but it may resonate with some of us.
So far it does not conflict with any genetic, prenatal, chemical, etc., explanations for being what we are.

Much of it depends on our age we first discovered our CD obsession, and what was our concept of "feminine," and whether it was also when we discovered masturbation.

Our earliest impulses and images of what we wanted is where the whole thing starts. If that impulse gets paired with our earliest sexual fulfillment the two things are then paired. They become conditional or conditioned responses to each other. Conditioned responses are quite hard, if not impossible, to extinguish.

So, while much of our libido may be tied to dressing as a woman, the woman we see and dress as is that envisioned by a prepubescent child. Hypersexualised, or childish itself. We have never had the social development a girl growing up does. We have never learned to be or dress our age, except as our male selves. Our image of women and our idea of what they look, act and dress like is that of a small child, and we try to fit that image to ourselves -- and end up looking outlandish to everyone else. And even though we only have to look in a mirror, we don't/can't see that. And besides, what we see in the mirror doesn't excite us. Only what we see in our mind's eye turns us on.

If our CD is not initially paired with sexual gratification, which is probable only if it occurs well before puberty, it develops as dysphoria, or a desire to be or be seen as a member of the sex/gender opposite that which we were assigned and grew up within. In which case our identification with women matures as we do, and become more adult with time.

Thus things move toward a new and conflicted gender identification, or move toward a self-reinforcing association with sexual gratification.

This is difficult to evaluate when we're young and in the midst of it. It's not surprising that some of us wander off into other areas of gender and sexuality while trying to find out what the hell is going on with such powerful drives and associations.

There's more, but that's as far as I've gotten with it.

Any thoughts so far?

[Davita]

I'm kinda leaning in your direction, Paulette.

Myself I,m not sure exactly when dressing started but it had its sexual element to it. In that phase, I was dressing quite simply, slutty. I have to admit though, I like the kinky fabrics like latex and stretch patent leather etc. I was in my twenties then, but still like the fabrics. If you looked at the pictures on my web site, you will basically see a whole lot of dressing up. I looked at it as my childhood I never got to experience -- the pretty dresses the fluff of a petticoat and such. Once I got out of the house, I got straight into "normal" and haven't looked back since. I do love a good Halloween to let out my inner drag queen, but only then.

I think looking at my experience, you can evolve in clothing preferences and part of that is nurture part of the nurture versus nature. If you can never get out then you might never experience a dress and will just wear lingerie, for example. Or you have this image of what an ideal woman is and her outfits and again not getting any real constructive feedback then you will continue the same path. Some girls are thrill seekers and attention grabbers and that's going to cause them to dress one way versus the meek girls just wanting to be whole in public who will dress accordingly. I like to think of the dressing and even our thinking can be put in to phases and stages like growing up and learning. Sometimes folks get stuck in a phase or stage. Some might have passed a phase because of when they started dressing.

[Paulette]

Thanks, Davita.

I'm not satisfied with my original post, the idea or the writing. You've given me more material to work with, and I shall work with it.

[Rikki]

Paulette,

I think you're pretty close on your analysis. My fashion choices give credence to your thoughts. I loved the styles of the late 50's, both girls' and ladies' styles. They made my heart melt before I knew what arousal was all about. When the two melded, bam it became a permanent part of my psyche.

All the best,
Rikki

[Gillian]

Another element to think about is that it can get started through a traumatic experience. A strong emotional shock gets deep into you and is similar to a "conditioned response" it also is quite hard, if not impossible, to extinguish.

In my case this is how it all started. When I was 4 I was outside playing, I did not get to the bathroom in time, and wet my pants. I was put into a pair of my sisters nylon panties and spanked. Both sisters taunted and teased me for the rest of the day and were held responcible to make sure that I didn't take the panties off. I still can hear the word sissy in my ears and the feel of the fabric against me. This was the start of a punishment that continued until I was 10 or 11. Hearing your Dad threaten to dress you like a girl in front of my friends was a terrifying event/thought. This whole thing of wearing girls clothes even invaded my dreams.

Then some time around 13 or 14 I started to play with myself as boys do and the thought of putting on a pair of panties was there, as it had never really ever left my mind. I was told that only bad boys played with themselves, and guess what happened to me when I was bad! I wore the panties at first, then added the slip, bra, stockings and it was while I was dressed that my first explosion happened. I honestly didn't know what had happened. Was this a punishment for being bad? A couple of weeks later at school I heard a bunch of guys talking and figured it out. So, masturbating is normal, and this soon became a fun past time during my home alone time which was often. The dreams only intensified through all of this.

It has taken many years to get over the guilt, condemnation, etc. I accept myself, and dressing still has a sexual side to it. With a lower libido with getting older, I sometimes think that the dressing is just a longer play time, 3 or 4 days, before the deed is done.

Just my thoughts to add to the subject.

[Eileen (SO)]

When I wonder about my husband's need to dress, I'm not sure how to frame the questions. Thank you ladies, for providing some guidance. Early experiences and acts of self pleasuring are subjects difficult for a husband to confide in to his wife.

His first experiments started well before puberty, wearing Mom's bra stuffed with TP in front of a younger brother and two sisters. He quickly found out that this behavior was not amusing or much condoned.

Throughout his life, he knew he was sexually attracted to women only. The need to secretly dress female was suppressed as much as possible. Getting married and raising a family was a helpful distraction. As empty nesters, his needs became more prominent and careless. Maybe a hidden need to be discovered? Anyway, I've taken some time to get to Paulette's question, why so many CD's dress to stand out.

I think that if all my life, a burlap sack was the only clothing option, then discover Macy's! Imagine the silly looking outfits I'd try on! Lack of dressing experience and the male mind driving what looks attractive, men don't understand what looks pretty to other women.

Upon being discovered, husband's meager collection was pathetically small. Fast forward to our days of acceptance and finding 'her' look. We had occasion to visit Chicago's major rail hub, waiting for an out of town relative's train to arrive. People watching, we discovered that what each of us perceive what an average or attractive woman dresses like is much different.

He as she would feel more comfortable dressing to blend in, where men and women alike would glance with approval. Starting in her mid fifties, the twenty year old is long past, she found that an older woman can dress quite pretty without looking slutty. Women have to dress for the body shape we have and choose outfits that will look best.

I've teased him that given genetics and born female, she would look like her sisters. She can dress much better than they ever could. There's satisfaction in that.
The clothing collection has grown, some is still more flashy than my tastes, but blends well. She does enjoy more and bigger jewelry than I do, especially earrings.

Eileen

[Lacey Hadley]

I think many of us CDers have similar early life experiences in terms of our wondering about dressing as girls or in girls/ladies clothes. Obviously we each have been and are on our own journey but the basic foundations for most of us remain similar. Even with the younger CDers today it is still seen by many as taboo even if more people outside our world accept it, some grudgingly or even help celebrate it and us because it makes us feel better and thus be better people in our own daily lives.

Sexuality is and has been a part of crossdressing for many if not most of us especially as youngsters, notably teen males. Puberty is a world of mind explosions for both genders and can be confusing, scary and even tough for most of us. The Cder has another level of such euphoria to fear and personal condemnation of the want and need to dress in the clothes of the other gender including even acting as a girl or as we see and wish we would be as girls, some of us mild some of us wild.

Growing up as a child of the 70's and 80's it was a much more private affair for me and I dare say us, as few resources to learn about crossdressing were available for us. Today the internet is an educational boon both pro and con (more pro though) about crossdressing/transvestism and transgenderism. Again for most of us say older than 30 years we had to wade through much of this alone. Maybe some had understanding mothers or older sisters, cousins etc. Most CDing males, fathers, older brothers, buddies etc were not clued in or we would not talk about this side of us with them. It made it harder for us as we had few if any to open up to. The Gay movement may have helped some as we could fit under their umbrella even though most CDers are heterosexual or some bisexual. But again most of us were very alone in our thing so to speak.

For me I always found girls clothes infatuating, from oh maybe age 5 or so I'd see girls in and maybe older than me dressed as girls in the 70's dressed and in my mind I so wanted to dress up and be 'pretty' around them. I did not want to become a girl, but wanted to assume that role if I could only dress up, alas I had no opportunity to do so until I was a teen.

My 'boy' life was normal otherwise. I was into boy things, boy toys, bucket of soldiers, Tonka toys, plastic models, cap guns, boys books on man and machine such as military stuff and cars trucks. WWI /WWII history was big for me. Playing boy type sports like road hockey, ice hockey, soft ball etc. I'd spend weekends and parts of summer vacation with a buddy on his farm we'd play soldier/war stuff especially if more buddies joined to fill out two teams. But I could also play barbies with my sister too and be all happy. I could stare for hours at the girls/ladies sections of the Sears catalogue too.

About age 12 I remember being home alone and wandered into my parent's bedroom and through my mothers drawers. I saw all her pantyhose, it was like a drug of desire to touch them and to want to finally put a pair on. I remember like it was yesterday. I was shaking with nerves, in auto pilot though as I picked out a pair, beige or light tan if I recall. I soon had my pants off and was slipping these on my legs. I was ecstatic with joy but with the feeling of taboo and confusion. I do recall fondling myself and it felt so good. I did not think much more about it afterwards. But this led to other times when home alone putting on my mother's pantyhose then soon trying on dresses and skirts (I could still fit int most of her clothes). Soon I wanted to see if could put on her dressy shoes. As noted in another post of mine elsewhere I found a pair of blue suede platform strappy sandals fit. About a 1/2inch platform and 4.5" or so wedge heel. Mmmm I was so ecstatic strutting in heels and doing damn fine as a young male cding teenager.

Add my now secretive cding to puberty and really discovering girls well was like most male teens a wild ride at times but also confusing and depressing with personal condemnation and self-loathing at times. I'd put on my mothers clothes and be in cding heaven but yes often with fondling I'd then feel like crap. WHAT THE HELL WAS WRONG WITH ME!??! As far as I knew none of my teenage buddies were into this, though recalling my younger life one buddy of mine may have been into this as he dressed as a girl for a school Halloween party once but also once did try to mmm in a sloppy teenage boy way kind of made a silly advance on me. We were both just teens in drab, we brushed it off as teenage messin about. I'm very open minded so I never let that get between us. He moved away a few years later and I lost touch with him.

But yes, Cding had male (teenage puberty) sexuality for a part of it to me and still does to this day .

But as I've matured and sadly before the internet I had to rely on my own senses of such. It was tough at times and it was apart of my marriage break down, only small part of it based on my sexuality and confusion of CDing with no real way to express, talk and learn positively about it all. Cding was a part of the snowball mess of my past marriage.

The internet has for me saved my mind and conscience in many ways. I saw that I'M NOT ALONE! In the voice of Scotty from Start Trek "There be many of them Captain." Jeebus we are a larger group than I'd ever think. From Cders who may in part dress or in full dressing as often I do now, to TGers and a spectrum in between each. Lots of on line info, forums such as this one, a more open minded but still many odd towards us in society. The last 10-15 years has been easier as such for me but always with a touch of angst and confusion for me. Dressing up fully as Lacey is when l'm most at peace in my life and a sense of simple joy overwhelms me. It's all squishy good and fun Yes, sexuality remains a part of it all. I enjoy sexing up my look at times and my hormones play a role in my pleasure but Lacey is about firstly being a girl/lady to me and she with all my CDing is a complete stress reliever for me and helps greatly in keeping my sanity in as seen by me often a more and more insane world.

[Shelby]

Recently I have been struggling with this question; as much as I enjoy dressing up I am conflicted about it. When I am en femme and sitting with my wife I can't help but, ask her if she doesn't see this as somewhat weird. She just says no, she doesn't find it weird and she wishes I would stop asking her that.

I often wonder why I am attracted to this practice; it would be one thing if I actually looked like a woman when I am all done up but, what I see in the mirror is a foolish man who is wearing make up, a wig and a dress. I sometimes have negative feelings toward myself when I am done up but, at the same time, I fantasize about dressing up (talk about messing with your mind).

One positive I have going for me is I have a wife who supports me in this fascination and encourages me when we get dressed but, I can't help but wonder why I do it, what happened in my life that draws me to this? I am not gay, have zero interest in being with another man so this dressing up thing is not about that.

Has anyone ever spoken to a psychiatrist about this or does anyone else struggle with these thoughts? I am new to this and have given thought to suppressing these urges until I can come to grips with these feelings but, I am not sure if I can do that. Sometimes I wish I had never allowed myself to explore this and just kept it to myself.

[Noeleena]

Hi,

Have a look at history in how men dressed.

I think its very interesting, lets look at the difference in how men dressed in garb and clothes now lets see , we are not looking at men dressing in clothes that were for women they were designed for men .

Lovely styles beautifull colours very colourfull very flowing gowns many coloured hair styles and wigs makeup heeled shoe,s and adornments,

Now men in dress of a different kind and colourfull as well very striking colours even your own history will prove that = armed force,s now I wont include say the last two 100 years or so though there are some . for myself id look at 1400 to 1700 and in Europe more .
Take a look at our Kings , some of them were well turned out ,

Now were any interested in being like women maybe a few though not many although I would say some would have liked to,

For what im bring up is just normal men in how they saw themselves as men , so we can say what if you brought them into our society to day how would they be viewed, with indifference or accepted

different yes and yet not really not from our stand point with in our reinactment groups world wide,

Now if men are accepted dressed as said whats different today , is the peoples thinking different or been constructed or is there another reason dressing like this is not accepted as normal,

Now to the men ,
would you be interested in this style and its very open ended as to what one could design and wear ,

I wonder ,.....

So to how we got this way , I will say men like being dressed in , do I use lovely clothes . I think so just western fashion has or did not wont men to be dressed pretty, strange , how has this impacted on men would this then come about by trying to dress just like women and regain that pretty colourefull ways of before , and just taken this a step more to look like a woman in shape and form ,???

Myself had I been a normal male I would have dressed in our dress code Scottish Kilts, and looked very smart .or my German style= Lederhosen costume= Schuhplattler and even then very smart .

since im not, ist Nur eine Frau,,

...noeleena...

[Emily]

Has anyone ever spoken to a psychiatrist about this or does anyone else struggle with these thoughts? Sometimes I wish I had never allowed myself to explore this and just kept it to myself.

Keay, you're asking the same questions that I think most of us here have asked ourselves at some point in our lives. While I personally haven't talked to psychiatrist, it seems to help those girls that do go talk and it's something that is often suggested if you are finding it a struggle. It sounds like your wife is totally on board here with you, so maybe the both of you could find someone to talk to together?

I couldn't tell you what it was that triggered my desire to dress, but there had been times that I also wish I never discovered cross-dressing. But I did, and it was only a few short years ago that I accepted myself for who I am. I'd be standing there dressed up in women's clothes telling myself that just because I wore women's clothes didn't mean I was a cross-dresser. Ha! I know what you mean about messing with your mind... But now, Lexi is now a big part of my life and she continues to be so more and more each day. I've accepted her, and you know what... I wouldn't ever want that to change.

The big plus is that you have your wife on your side and is willing to explore this with you. That, Keay is just... wow! Good for you! Not all of us get that kind of opportunity. It sounds like your wife is seeing more than just a "foolish man who is wearing make up, a wig and a dress." Whether you look like a woman or not is not the important thing right now... as you gain experience and confidence, I am sure you will be thinking much, much differently. In the meantime, have fun with this new found pleasure. It sure sounds like your wife wants to!!! And we don't want to disappoint our wives, girlfriends, significant others, now do we?!?!? Try not to worry too much - if you do wish to continue to explore your femme side, just know that it will get easier!

[Sandy Silk]

I can only relate my story. I travelled extensively while working...and for whatever reason loved the feel of hose...mainly panty hose for strictly sexual release. I would buy pantyhose, pack it in my bag, put them on in my hotel, fool around, and discard them. This went on for decades. Before the internet, I bought magazines of women in lingerie. Once in the nineties, I dressed in a garter and stockings, and showed my wife how I looked. Her reaction was non commital...and it ended there. It was a one time episode and we let it go.
I dabbled in a bi sexual period in my forties..more out of curiousity than sexual desire if that makes any sense...as I type this..I believe it was a phase...and after ten years it passed along with any desire to dress in lingerie. I had one episode where I was wearing lingerie...it was pleasant..but not earth shattering. After that all my desired lay dormant for twenty years.
Like many here..I retired..had no alone time..but was drawn again to internet watching of CD.
Out of the blue..about three months ago..it hit me like a brick..I wanted to dress en femme. I cannot pass...and really don't care. My wife lets me dress in the house, and she helps me shop online for clothes and make up. After stumbling through some terrible online purchases I told her that I would not buy anything else without her input. I am sincerely beholding to her as she gives input to what I wear.
At dinner tonite, I had on my black T,bra,hose and Capri with two inch heels. After consulting, I changed my B cup inserts for C/D for a better look. It seems to be working for us. I really envy the couples online who dress in the same outfits. We're not there yet...I don't push it..but I feel we're headed there.
Overall I'm pleased where I am. I feel totally heterosexual while dressed, love to experiment with make up...and get help from my wife. We're in a good place.