Do you ever disgust yourself?

[Annie]

I have no plans to transition but yet there seems a path may be available in some form. I don't really see that as possible in this stage of my life but yet?
I have not really discovered me and that is the part that is driving me absolutely insane. There always seemsto be something missing that i have never been able to put my emotional finger on. I have a wonderful family but doesn't seem to be the all i am looking for. If any of that babble mankes sense.

[Anthony Simon]

I have not really discovered me and that is the part that is driving me absolutely insane. There always seemsto be something missing that i have never been able to put my emotional finger on.

I think you probably need to allow it to come rather than searching for it. Or, at any rate, to some degree. The thing is the whole CDing etc. area is such a grey one. I mean people don't really know what it's about and it varies with individuals. So there are no clear cut paths to go on - people have to work it out for themselves (often).

Which is (or can be) slow and painstaking as a process. Hence one of the dictums here is "baby steps". There's (I think) a negotiation with yourself - and also with other people. None of it's easy (IMHO).

[Annie]

Anthony what you say is true.
Logically I know all of that. Emotionally? Not so much.
I am not sure that I am searching so much and trying to discover what it is that makes me - me.

[Emily]

Looking back over the years leading up to my coming out, I think that yes, there was a sense of disgust. Maybe that term is a touch harsh, but I think we all know what we mean.

But... I was so conflicted and every day was a struggle. I felt disgusted that I could not live as my true, authentic self and that I had to hide, lie and deceive. Eventually, those around me started to notice that something was wrong - very wrong. It affected my relationships and it affected me mentally and physically. Since coming out, my world has changed. And while my feelings were very real at the time, I can look back now with a better understanding of what I had to go through to get to where I am today.

[Anthony Simon]

Anthony what you say is true.
Logically I know all of that. Emotionally? Not so much.
I am not sure that I am searching so much and trying to discover what it is that makes me - me.

When my nephew was a child (about 6), suddenly he went like he was trying to do some mix of measuring himself up against me and trying to be me. It was a physical move and very striking. That's what children do (apparently), they try and find out who they can be in part by internalising and measuring themselves up against the adults around them (also on TV, movies etc.).

I kind of think about you in some terms like that. So - do you feel that's a valid comparison?

[Anne Bonny]

Hum? No... can't really recall feelings of disgust I suppose.... Well early on having a bra and panties on in front of my wife yeah shyness or some embarrassment but that is because I did not want to hurt my poor wife, she loved me, understood but it was more tolerance to most people this is very difficult and strange for them. Now have I been feeling disappointed at how I look...absolutely...my hair, my age, or make up is not quite right, I had hoped I would look much better but no one is at their best every day... And sometimes I have looked and have felt quite pleased and thrilled because I look so feminine and pretty. No shamed there...

Could be you have not got your head around all of this and may feel unsure of who you are and confidence is low...

[Annie]

Anthony,

My apologies for this late reply to your post. (only 3 weeks later).
I don't really see a comparison. I am not really trying to emulate or be like someone. I am trying to figure out who I am as Annie.
The disappointment I said I felt was from letting down family. I have a good idea how most of family would feel and how they would react to me becoming Annie on even a part time basis. Part of those expectations create the emotions that are getting in my way to decide who Annie is to become. I know how I feel as Annie but not how to take that to the next step (or even discover what the next step is). That is where I am stuck right now.

[Anthony Simon]

There always seems to be something missing that i have never been able to put my emotional finger on.

It can work to stop looking and let it come. Like your conscious efforts are leading you in the wrong direction.