less than a week as a SO

Jess(SO) · Post by **Jess(SO)** » Sun Jul 30, 2006 8:16 am

less than a week ago I found out by accident that my partner of over 2 years likes to wear womens undies. I don't have any problem with that, my problem this week has been coming to terms with the lies and deceit that he used to not only protect himself but to protect me. I have always hated lies (even more so since my last relationship ended in my ex being jailed for abusing my daughter over the 9 years that we were together). He knew this and still lied to me and it is this I am struggling to come to terms with. We have had an easier week than he had imagined that he would, we have talked, I went out and bought him some undies the day after finding out, we are exploring this new side of our relationship together, some days I am coping better than others, some parts of some days are horrendous, other parts are wonderful. I don't know if I would have had better days if he had told me rather than me finding out as I did, and we will never know, but what I can say is I love the same guy I have today as the one that was last week, he hasen't changed nor have I. But to those not sure wether to tell or let your SO discover I can only say that for my part I would rather he had told me, but then nobody else is me

SilverLady(SO) · Post by **SilverLady(SO)** » Sun Jul 30, 2006 11:58 am

Hello, Jess, and a huge welcome to the forum!

I, too, am of the opinion that the CDer needs to tell his SO about this side of him as soon as the relationship looks like it's getting serious, as the SO has a right to know and decide if she can handle that aspect. However, some CD's may be in 'remission' so to speak, the desire or urge to "dress with style" may not be present at the time, or they may be in denial, suppressing or repressing the CD side out of fear of the unknown. In those cases, I can understand why they have not told their SO about this from the beginning, but I think the SO needs to be told as soon as the CDer realizes that this aspect of them will never go away.

In the case of my CDer, however, I knew about this from the very beginning as we met each other here at the forum. I am thoroughly in love with both him and her, and I enjoy spending as much time with her as I do with him. We are open to compromises, and that's easy for us to do because we are so in love with each other.

Don't be too harsh on your CDer for not telling you about 'her' right away, and be sure to keep the lines of communication open! The person you fell in love with is still there, and there is room for both of them in your life if you let it happen, and you will reap many benefits.

- SL

Jess(SO) · Post by **Jess(SO)** » Sun Jul 30, 2006 12:20 pm

Becuase of my previous relationship and how quickly things happened between us he was afraid that if he told me he would lose me I can and do understand that and also that the longer we were in the relationship the harder it was for him to find the right time to tell me. It still doesn't stop the angry moments but I am sure they will get fewer and further apart

Below is an extract from a journal I have started to keep

I am living with the usual question, fears (whether they be real or imagined), and the confusion that the SO has when she has just discovered, I am also living with the same wonderful supportive man that I have had for over 2 1/2 years, in that time we have laughed, cried, argued, and made love many times, the road we were traveling together has just taken a slightly different turn than I ever expected but is no less exciting because of it.

To the guy at the centre of this I love you more today than yesterday, but not as much as I will tomorrow, Thank you for enriching my life in so many different ways, (Your SO )

Post by **DonnaT** » Sun Jul 30, 2006 5:22 pm

Does your CD partner know that you have a problem with the lies and deceipt, Jess?

Reason I ask is, it's rare that it's only the panties. Not unheard of, and I know a few CDs that have no desire to take their CDing further.

It's nice to know that you don't have a problem with the underwear, but what if he wanted to dress even further?

Curly(SO) · Post by **Curly(SO)** » Mon Jul 31, 2006 1:52 am

Hi Jess,

I'm from England too

I live on the South Coast. (I just had a glorious week on holiday in Yorkshire!)

It sounds like you have a great partner and a great relationship, I'm sure you and your partner can work through the issues that CDing brings up.

My husband told me of his CDing after we'd been married for two years and so there had been some lies and cover ups but I agree with S.L. ... please don't feel too angry, I imagine it's a very difficult thing for a man to tell his partner for fear of rejection and humiliation.

I must get ready for work now, but would love to chat some more, later!

Take care,
Love,
Curly.

Jess(SO) · Post by **Jess(SO)** » Mon Jul 31, 2006 2:52 am

Donna T owwwwwwwwww yes he knows. He has always known how I feel about lies and deceit even before we met.

Jess(SO) · Post by **Jess(SO)** » Mon Jul 31, 2006 3:08 am

Donna T,
sorry forgot to answer your other questions. He says that he doesn't want to take it anyfurther but (and here is where I begin the second guessing) I suspect that he may want go a lot further with it,call it instinct, call it doubt about being sure that he is telling me the whole truth. It may also be that he needs to take the baby steps in this area over telling me things( GOD I don't know).
I will probably be able to cope with whatever is thrown at me over his cding (actually it has become our cding because we are in this together) if and only if he tells me the truth i don't know if I will be able to take any more lies, if that sounds harsh it's not meant to be, it's just me being honest.
If he want's to dress even further I am sure I can cope with that but like I said before it has to be done with honesty

Jess(SO) · Post by **Jess(SO)** » Mon Jul 31, 2006 3:22 am

Curly(so)
you are right I do have a great partner and we do have a great relationship, and if I/him/we have anything to do with this we can and will get through this. It is still early days for both of us in this but we have worked through really tough issues before regarding my previous relationship and this is nowhere near as tough trust me

Curly(SO) · Post by **Curly(SO)** » Tue Aug 01, 2006 1:39 am

Hi Jess,

(actually it has become our cding because we are in this together)

I'm glad you mentioned that, Jess, as that is very important to me too. After Ed told me about his CDing, I had to be a part of it. I didn't want to feel excluded and being included made it feel a lot less threatening. I think it took Ed a while to adjust to this as he was so used to keeping it all a secret. It took him a while to believe I was genuine about accepting and wanting to be a part of it all. A couple of times soon after knowing, I found a couple of hidden items of clothing and that made me feel horrible, there could be no more deceit. I have to admit, also, that we both felt that all the clothes he had accumulated before me knowing felt somehow 'tainted' with deceit and had to go. I have only ever seen Ed in clothes purchased afterwards or clothes of mine. (I'm happy with Ed borrowing my stuff as it makes me feel included and I like the connection with me).

It really sounds like you are handling it all very positively! Just keep on talking, keep it out in the open and don't be afraid of voicing your concerns. We had concerns and issues about Ed's CDing but we talked them all through. Some times I would say something that touched a nerve, some things were uncomfortable to talk about, but, like you said, honesty and openness is the only way forward. Also, this forum has been a great help too!

Love,
Curly

Jess(SO) · Post by **Jess(SO)** » Tue Aug 01, 2006 4:12 am

Donna T,
thanks to the info I got I managed to get him to look at the site recommended (actually I told him he had to go look at it maybe a bit harsh but felt he needed to find out from other cdr's how thier SO's coped and that he wasn't alone in this either) and it helped so much that when we talked after he looked at it, he managed to ask me how I would feel if he said he did want to take it further --heck it's so okay with me I brought out a skirt that I had bought him late last week. He says he might just get dressed up one night and text me to come up to bedroom (private space limited here a 10yr old and 22 yr old to consider). He also now appreciate that I can't handle "finding things out" and that I would rather be told.
Now we are looking for ways for me to let him know on any given day that I'm not comfortable with it in case it comes up, any ideas would be appreciated
thanks all

Jess(SO) · Post by **Jess(SO)** » Tue Aug 01, 2006 9:17 am

thanks curly
- think I'v just about a handle on the trust thing - he just dosen't realise how close he came to losing us anyway, cos things had been tough between us for a while n I just couldn't figure out why (went down the usual road what am I doing wrong), a few rational days down the line I realised that he was actually missing the other part of himself. Heck the guy has to be given loads of

for being so strong

Post by **DonnaT** » Tue Aug 01, 2006 11:35 am

Sounds great Jess.

Jess(SO) wrote:Now we are looking for ways for me to let him know on any given day that I'm not comfortable with it in case it comes up, any ideas would be appreciated

I assume you mean on any given day, you may want to forewarn him that today's not a good day, prior to his dressing or talking about CDing.

Maybe a scarf tied to a door knob, or some other "signal" he can spot right away.

Otherwise, just simply tell him so he doesn't have to guess.