JenniferMu wrote:But, take a different love, my love for my b/f. I tell him I love him and he tells me he’s crazy about me, but he continually says he doubts my sincerity. The reason he says this is because I work Monday to Friday in the cosmetics section of a Department Store and on Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights I work about 6/7 hours each night in a restaurant. I love working and I love the fact that it brings me in contact with lots of people and I have a lot of fun with them, and I also love the fact working gives me the money to buy things I like and need, it gives me my independence which is important to me and it also enables me to keep my bank account growing.
But my b/f says that I don’t devote enough time to him and if I loved him as much as I say I do then I’d find more time for him and he’d be more important to me than working nights. He actually gets quite testy about it at times and he gets in moods over it and that makes me feel awful and sad. It’s hard to do the right thing all the time and people use love as an excuse to get you to do things, but you do what you do because you love something but don’t we also have to think about ourself too sometimes?
Jennifer, your boy friend is resorting to what is termed "Emotional Blackmail" to make you feel bad or guilty.
I remember one of my daughter's boyfriends doing likewise. He'd say things like "I'll kill myself if you breakup with me."
Many times these kind of guys will become quite possessive of their girlfriends, and can be quite jealous. Hopefully he's not a violent type.
If you can't rid him of this type of behavior, then you may need to break up with him.
Jennifer, your boy friend is resorting to what is termed "Emotional Blackmail" to make you feel bad or guilty.
with what DonnaT says(see qoute above) and very much from personal experiance in that dept
Many times these kind of guys will become quite possessive of their girlfriends, and can be quite jealous. Hopefully he's not a violent type.
it is not always about violence, ---- as in physical ------ much more abuse is mental and the effects are much longer lasting and destructive -------------- PLEASE DO NOT EVEN BEGIN TO GO THERE
Jennifer, About all I can say is I very much so agree with Donna and Jess. Please evaluate your relationship with this person. Sometimes things are just said once because they feel you slipping away from them or they are very insecure about them selves. If you find this a consistent pattern you really need to dig hard to see what type of person your BF is. Making a good relationship needs to come from both sides in a working way not a threating way.
What most people do not realize is a lot of the abuse that is done withing relationships and marriages is mental abuse. While mental abuse is not usually physical to the person, IMHO and of many it is a lot worse by taking a good quality of life away from a person who may lead the rest of their life in mental pain.
To give you a good example of this, my SIL has mental issues and had needed someone to generally watch over her most of her life. She married an older man who did this for her. He was always there for her. But he also did not let her far out of his sight. He was very possessive and basically told her she was worthless and could not do anything with out him. So now even 8 years after his passing my SIL continues to think she can do very little. Even a simple setting of the table she must keep asking if she is doing it right. And if one condiment is missed she takes it as a major fault of hers.
Jess said it so well with:
Jess(SO) wrote:Jennifer,
it is not always about violence, ---- as in physical ------ much more abuse is mental and the effects are much longer lasting and destructive -------------- PLEASE DO NOT EVEN BEGIN TO GO THERE Jess
Being it mental or physical, the effects are with the person for life. A relation should be based on love, communication, and compromise from both sides. It should not be filled with ultimatums, threats, blackmail or violence of any type.
I do hope it turns out well for you. Please Take Care,
KimberlyS-CD
Site Administrator
I am a physically male person that likes to wear feminine clothes at times.
Just trying keep a balance for my self along with keeping my wife and kids in mind.
Kimberly, what does SIL stand for?
I’ve never really thought about emotional blackmail before, but now you’ve got me thinking a lot of things over. I doubt very much that my b/f would ever be violent, he’s not that sort of person, he’s more a words type of guy and that was part of why we were attracted to each other from the start, because we both have lots to say and are good conversationalists.
I was more thinking for a while lately along the lines of him using reverse psychology on me but I can now see where it’s probably a form of blackmail. He says things like, that if two people love each other enough then they want to spend every minute of the day together and he questions my love for him a lot. I try to tell him that if I didn’t love him then I wouldn’t be giving him the affection I do and I ask him why does he want me to always prove my love for him and he always gets back to the thing that if I really loved him then I’d want to live with him, and I wouldn’t work nights as I’d want to spend those with him. Well I do tell him that I’d love to be able to spend more nights with him but I need money and 3 working nights at the restaurant gives me as much as working 5 days at the store. He can’t understand that sometimes we need to make a short term sacrifice for a long term gain and I’m at my wits end to make him see that. He is sort of the jealous type and sometimes he gets a bit funny when other guys pay me attention, and if I smile at a guy he says I’m coming on tot hem, but I’m not. It doesn’t hurt to be nice and say hello to someone if they speak to you and a friendly smile is just that.
I try tot ell him that I don’t want anyone else, if I did I’d go for it, but he says it hurts him when guys flirt with me, but I never do anything to encourage them, it’s just the way it is, guys flirt with me but don’t guys do that with girls . I try to tell him that it’s just me, it’s the way I am and if someone says hello to me then I think it’s rude not to give them the courtesy of a hello back, but I can always draw the line if they push too far. Also it’s my nature to be friendly and smiley and that’s part of the reason I’ve been so successful with my work. Sometimes we have to smile and be pleasant to people who aren’t necessarily being the same back to us. When my Gran was alive one of her favourite sayings was that two wrongs never equal one right.
He also says little things like he needs a lot of love and affection and he doesn’t want to get it anywhere else, but sometimes it’s hard for him. That makes me feel awful and makes me feel as if I’m being cruel to him because he needs to see me more and he says things like he can’t live without me. Sometimes I think that I should break with him, then I know he’ll be devastated and also now I’m a long way from my family I need someone because I spent a lot of time by myself and the loneliness really got to me.
Now I’ve been thinking the last few days that Dad might be using the same thing on me, whether it’s on purpose or not I don’t know, but when I’m chatting to him on the phone he’ll say things like, if you were here you could dot hat for me, or if you weren’tso far away you could help me and that sort of thing. I know he’s lonely since Mum moved out and they got divorced, but the strange thing is neither of them have found anyone new, and I doubt whether they want to. In my mind at times it all gets back to this crossdressing thing with my Dad and if it wasn’t for that then I’d probably still be now living away from home but the circumstances under which I left would have been vastly different and everyone wouldn’t have ‘the cloud’ hanging over our heads. I just wish everyone would be happy, but it seems the closer you get to someone and the more you know them then the more problems there are.
Anyway, thanks everyone for all your advice, I really do appreciate it all, you people are all great, you always have the answers or you say things which make me think and come up with a good answer to things. It’s better than any shrink could ever come up with I think. I was just sitting here before thinking how my b’f would freak out if he knew I was corresponding with you all, he’d really think I needed a shrink…lol….but then also if he saw my Dad in a skirt he’d flip too, but now the dust has settled with it all, my Dad hasn’t really changed,, ( someone or was it a few people here told me that from the start) and he’d be better for it if he could do it more without the fear of other people’s reactions, but if there’s one thing I’ve learned since all this started is that people aren’t always what they seem, and that doesn’t just go for guys who wear dresses.
Hun don't let your b/f or dad get you down, stay strong and if they can't handle you being independant and more than good at your job, then sorry hun that's there problem, don't ever let it become yours, the more you give in trying to please people that can't be pleased the more you will lose of yourself, and you will just become a puppet for them ----- trust me on this one, have been there, done all that and nearly ended up a basket case because of it.
Do what you need to do for you, don't ever think that by giving into people who use emotional blackmail once that thats where it will end it doesn't
Jess
Hi Jennifer--
I wish I could say that the kind of boyfriend behavior you're talking about gets better with time. Oh, it does, but the boyfriend has to reach his 40s or 50s for him to see that jealousy doesn't work very well.
It is tiresome to have to measure every smile you give to a stranger, or worse, become stone-faced and unfriendly, for fear that any friendly gesture will be misinterpreted by your boyfriend. It's easy to slip into this, as it doesn't seem worth taking the energy to fight about it all the time when you're out. It's a slippery slope, though. I've seen it happen to attractive women, and it hurts to watch that process.
As for your working--I'm sure you make better money because those are weekend nights, but I can see your boyfriend wanting to have at least one of the two weekend nights with you. Friday and Saturday nights are the social nights for people, when friends and/or couples make plans to be together. So as much as I can see why you love the job, it will be better if you can find a way to not work BOTH weekend nights, at least not every week.
Weekend nights, and how people use them, are a big, big subject. I know it well, both as a performer and a boyfriend. I had a very hard time with the issue of doing music jobs on both Friday and Saturday nights, while still reassuring a girlfriend that she was important. So even in a stable relationship, it's a big deal, how couples spend weekends.
I also know a lot about jealousy and neediness---I've done it to others, and I've had them do it to me! The general rule about it is that you can never do enough to "cure" the other person. They have to grow out of it on their own, and it's not easy to do.
I'll have to be Ann Landers here, and say that if you really want to try to continue this, I'd look for some counseling for the two of you.
From the way you have worded it there is a big difference in what your Dad is saying from what your BF is saying.
In my opinion your Dad is saying he would like to have you back home with him. But I agree this could make you feel guilty.
Your BF on the other had seems to be giving you an ultamative. "Do this if you love me". Like you said you should not have to prove your relationship like that. And that is no one should. And while being jealous is a normal thing for guys, he should be able to talk about it and it not be a big issue. Unless you are one of the girls that flirts with everyone, and I do not think that is the case here. So being jealous is ok, but if he is being possessive that may not be good.
One thing to think about, and I do not know if either of these two may apply to your BF. Many people when they are possessive, being it a GF or something or someone else, many times this can be related to an event in their past. Or secondly BF's that are possessive of there GF's may have infuriaty complexes, i.e. they do not think they are good enough for you and are afraid of loosing you. Either of these can be helped with some counseling.
And lastly, you say your BF is not violent at all. That is great and I hope it stays that way. But many times the violence does not come until later. Most people do not look for a violent relationship, they often just happen.
So going forward you must lead your life and you are in the best position to know what is best for you. It has been good to hear from you again. I enjoy reading your posts.
KimberlyS - CD
Site Administrator
I am a physically male person that likes to wear feminine clothes at times.
Just trying keep a balance for my self along with keeping my wife and kids in mind.
Jennifer as I remember you are fairly young. Sometimes we go through periods of confusion about how things are supposed to be done and just have to grow up and learn. That may be the situation with your boyfriend.
I can give an example from my first relationship. I had the idea that a woman will not respect a man who does not hit her occaisionally. Well guess what, pretty soon my girlfriend broke up with me. I remember talking to people and saying that I thought maybe this whole letting the woman know who is boss was just a bad idea. I was fortunate at that time to have a couple of older people I could confide in who agreed it was a very bad idea.
I am not a violent person. I am not a possessive person. I never ever laid a hand on any woman again in anger and it was not a struggle to avoid doing so.
That's one very rosy scenario. But heres another.
later in life I had a couple of relationships with women who were very possesive. I wasn't supposed to be friends in any way with any other women. My sister was marginally acceptable. I have little doubt that had this continued my male friends would have been next on the hit list. I was supposed to care only for her. One of them was not violent but terribly guilt inducing. The other one had a thing for weapons and was scary. She was the easier of the two for me to deal with.
My only advice when you find someone who truly feels that way is to run as fast as you can in the other direction. but thats just me.
Absaroka
everything under the sun is in tune
but the sun is eclipsed by the moon
with what DonnaT says(see qoute above) and very much from personal experiance in that dept
