Compromise, compromise...

Anita · Post by **Anita** » Fri Aug 10, 2007 12:33 am

This is my very first post in this section!

In replying to another post, I realized that I had also compromised on doing things with romantic partners over the years. So I wrote:

I know in my own experience that compromises [between partners] are tricky. I would be doing something that my partner wanted to do, and I didn't particularly want to do it. Yet there would be unique experiences and feelings that would happen for me, good ones even.

I'd enjoy them, and yet I'd be reluctant to fully share them, because then I'd be setting myself up for appearing to approve of what we'd been doing. It's a very push-pull kind of feeling, doing compromises as a couple.

I'm not saying that I'd refuse to acknowledge any of the good feelings to my partner--I would, to some extent. But I also didn't want her to get her expectations up that my overall feelings had changed, either

I just wondered how SOs on this board have handled this feeling, if or when it came up for them. Since I've experienced this myself, I'm not surprised when a CD writes that their wife seems more interested and is finally coming around, and then...wham! A month later she tells them she can't handle it anymore, or they need to scale WAY back.

I really felt bad if I lead my partners on by mentioning some good things about the new experience, and then didn't follow through by wanting to continue. So many times it was easier to just ignore any good things, so that balance was maintained. I'd still do the activity, but not give much positive feedback about it.

If it sounds like I was playing a game of sorts, you're right. But often it seemed the only way to keep things going in "baby steps." And no, I wasn't trusting my partner to monitor herself--I guess I got 'bitten' a few times, and didn't want to risk it. I'm not proud of this tendency, but it seems like a significant part of human nature. I know my partners did similiar things to me. Our compromises didn't involve CDing, though, since it wasn't a part of my life for 30-some years.

Terri(SO) · Post by **Terri(SO)** » Fri Aug 10, 2007 9:16 am

Anita, your comments are right on. We have to be very careful about how we compromise and let our partners understand that we are compromising and not "coming around".

Since crossdressing issues are so emotionaly charged I will use a very ho hum example of compromise to illustrate how I try to compromise but still be honest about my feelings.

Maria wanted to have placemats on the dining table because he feels more comfortable having them under the dinner plate and they look nice. I think they are a nuisance, they move around and I have to work a little harder to clean up with them on the table. But I decided to use them in order to make him a little happier. When I put them on the table, he says "See? don't you see now that its better with them there?" Truth is, no, I still find them to be a nuisance but I'm willing to do the little things for him so I told him so. I think the table looks prettier but they are a bit of a pain in the butt and he should simply and happily accept my accommodation and not insist that I feel just like he does about everything.

Crossdressing is the same. I participate because it makes him happy and a happy Maria helps make a happy Terri. It doesn't mean I'm willing to do everything Maria wants to do (I won't stop him doing it, he just will have to do it without me), and he needs to remember to understand my participation is compromise.
T.

Absaroka · Post by **Absaroka** » Fri Aug 10, 2007 10:57 pm

Since they make it harder to clean and also presumably to set up wouldn't a good compromise be for him to clean up after?

Absaroka

Carol Ann · Post by **Carol Ann** » Sat Aug 11, 2007 7:07 am

Terri(SO),
You make a very good point and I fully agree with you, there are things my wife doesn't like but for happiness she puts up with it and she will tell me so.

Now on the other hand she does things she knows I don't like but for happiness I put up with it. Maybe after 44 years of being married we just have learned to put up with one another.

Absaroka · Post by **Absaroka** » Sat Aug 11, 2007 8:30 am

Carol Ann I couldn't agree with you more. It's absurd to think we would share all the same likes and dislikes but we share a desire to see the other person happy. Without getting into long discussions about happiness coming from within and all that sort of stuff, all true, marriage is filled with compromises. And well worth it.

Absaroka