Zen - Letting go of attachments

[Elizabeth]

Ladies,

I used to make a lot of money. I had a big new house. New vehicles. My own company. I was in a long term marriage. I had four good kids who did great in school and never got into trouble. I was a community leader and politicians visited me during election cycles. I coached little league football and was secretary of the league. I coached and mentored 10-12 year old kids. I played in a band with my sister, brother, wife and some good friends. I had the nicest PA system, the best guitars and amp. I guess you could say I had it all.

Not only did I not feel any fulfillment, I hated my life and I hated myself. There were so many people counting on me, I was totally paralyzed. My wife and family counted on me to provide for them and to care for them. My customers relied on me to solve their problems. My employees counted on me to provide them with stable employment, a safe working condition, and fair wages. Little league counted on me to not only coach my team, but to use my influence to get local corporations to support our league. My band members counted on me not only to learn my parts and be rehearsed, but also to buy and maintain the sound gear, as well as do all the bookings. My wife counted on me to run the business, bring in new work, bid jobs, collect accounts, design and build jobs as well as satisfy her sexual and emotional needs.

Coming out was in impossibility. It meant losing everything. Yeah, that same everything that was draining the life blood out of me, while not meeting any of my own needs. My life it seemed, was for everyone else's benefit. I was there to provide income and support for everyone else. I was so attached to everything, I had no chance to find happiness.

The economy where I lived relied on the Pacific Rim. In 1998 the financial crisis there caused a huge recession. That caused a major slow down where I lived. I hung on as long as I could, but by 2000 the phones stopped ringing and I had extended my company and personal credit as far as I could. I was forced to fold my business.

I moved back to LA and within a few months I had worked my way up and was again making almost a hundred grand a year. But two years later I got so ill I could no longer work. My marriage was on the rocks and we had already been living separate lives for a while. We rarely talked, had sex once in while, which I usually failed at anyway and whenever we went anywhere together, we just ended up fighting. I had long suspected she was having an affair, but I was now very certain and started preparing myself for a divorce.

In the end I had to let go of everything. I lost my company, my house, my new cars, my job, my wife, coaching, playing in a band and any hope that I might ever return to my former employment. Now I live in disability, drive a ten year old car, live in an apartment and the only commitment I have now, is taking care of my two kids who still live with me, and going to college.

All of the stuff that I was so attached to, that I thought meant so much, not only did not make me happy, but was a huge source of discontent. That is because it tied me to a life that I hated. There was no way I could ever be Elizabeth in that life. I had to let it all go to truly be free. I don't want a zillion people counting on me. I want to live my life how I choose. As myself, Elizabeth.

I am happier than I ever recall being. I feel a real sense of contentment most of time. money magically appears in my bank account every month and I get more money every semester for student aid. I have Medicare and my exwife provides for my kids insurance, which I pay half of. I don't owe any money to anyone. I found a wonderful woman who loves me for who I am and I go to college where people are open minded and treat me with respect.

I had to let it all go to find happiness. I don't have much money for entertainment, but I go to concerts and there is always museums and the beach, which don't cost a lot. I spend a great deal of time reading and learning. I love to learn, just can't get enough. For the first time since I was a little kid, I am not fantasizing about killing myself to end the pain.

I love that line from Fight Club where he says "the things you own, end up owning you". That was sure true for me. My life was about supplying things, to everyone, but they never made me happy. What made me happy was getting to live my life as a women. That's all. I don't need anything else.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Jennifer M]

Hi Elizabeth,

So much of what you say is just what I went thru. I felt I had to make others happy in order to gain acceptance. It does drain the life out of a person. After I got divorced I worked on accepting myself and that has made me feel better than anything. Best of luck to you.

[Virginia]

Hey Hon,

I remember way back when you joined and your struggles and what a fighter you are!!!

And what have we learned?? I know what you have learned, 'cause Virginia has learned it right along with you. We, you and I, may have some minor differences of opinion, but I will stand on the highest mountain top and shout it to the world - "I am proud to know Elizabeth and for having known her, Virginia is a better woman!!!!"

I hope some of our sisters who are struggling, read what you have written and can figure out what you have said!

The love of a good woman is wondrous, but that having been said, in the end, it becomes "Virginia's Challenge." You have to look at that woman looking back at you in that big mirror. You look her deep in the eyes and you have only two questions to ask. "What is she worth to you, and what are you willing to give up for her?"

Some of us have seemingly given up quite a bit, but for us (you and me, Elizabeth) we won and we can take our GG's by the hand and skip down the glorious path of our very own "Magical Mystery Tours!"

Love you, Elizabeth - you are still our mighty Oak Tree!

Virginia

[Elizabeth]

Virginia,

Yes, I too feel a special kinship to you. You were one of many who welcomed me here with open arms. It was the first time I felt no shame. And in many ways our struggle was similar, as far as coming to terms with letting go of our former lives, to embrace our "Magical Mystery Tour".

You were a big part of what happened to me. You and so many other wonderful people who come here as discarded, misunderstood people, looking just to be loved. You and Beauty and CJ, and Rebecca and Merinda and Darlene(before she changed) and Anita and so many others who I hope do not feel slighted for not mentioning them by name in this post, who held me up when I was too weak to hold myself up.

It gave me the breathing room to finally take that first step forward. Shannon, Sharon, I am not religious at all, but if there is a god, I hope he rewards you for saving my life. But not just you, all the wonderful people who come here just looking for a glimmer of support. Someone who can truly understand what is happening to you.

Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Anita]

It's good to see your post, Elizabeth. I know that crossdressing is a very painful part of some people's lives on here, but for you it has lead to a much better way of life. I'd have to say that for me, too, and Virginia has often said that.

I'm still back here rooting for you!

[Penni SO]

Hi ya Goddess Elizabeth,

You're a champion of life, proof to us all that if you want the world to see you, you have to be you.

We all hide behind objects and possessions calling out 'this is me'.

We all hide behind something, because to be true to ourselves is such a risk.

However, once you step out from all that we claim, to be us and make us happy, we find ourself released...naked, if you like, to begin showing the world the true essence of ones' self.

You, my Goddess, have done it and you're still doing it, how proud I am of you.

Hugs Penny