It's only me again

[JenniferMu.(GG)]

It’s me again and I just want to say that I know I’ve said lots of things in the past which I shouldn’t have said, especially about my mothers situation with her new guy, and I’m sorry I said those things and I embarrassed myself badly, so I apologise for the things I said in haste.

On the 6th of this month I had my 21st birthday and I flew home to Sydney for the party as my Dad had hired a function room in a hotel, and I think we all mostly had a great time. With all that’s gone on in the last four years and a bit sometimes it feels like more years skipped by me than have, but things aren’t too bad atm except for the ever drawn out saga with my ex and his goings on but I’m not going there as right now I’ve got good things in my head and want to shut out the bad.

We did have a great party and everybody had a lovely time I think, they gave me a huge key which everyone signed, and I think that’s a bit funny getting the key to the door now when here at 18 we can legally vote in elections, go into pubs and clubs and drink alcohol, drive a car, get married without parents consent etc, so 21 seems to be somewhat of an afterthought, but I guess it’s an old tradition which the oldies like to keep going.

When it came to the ceremony part of the night, my Dad made a speech and kept the crowd entertained at my expense, but it was a lovely humorous speech, and I blew out the candles and they all sang the traditional songs, and when it came to my turn to respond, well, that didn’t start off all that wonderful. I was standing up there with the microphone and I sort of had it all mapped out what I wanted to say, but I saw my Dad standing there smiling at me, and my Mother was nearby him and him looking so handsome and she so lovely and all of a sudden it was like a cold hand squeezing my throat as things flashed by my mind of the past and I was just frozen. It seemed like an eternity but I suppose it wasn’t very long, but all of a sudden by best g/f started singing ‘the old grey mare she aint what she used to be’ and they all joined in and that did the trick for me, it brought me back and later she said she knew I was in trouble, but when they’d finished their singing I did what I had to and that was that. It was weird, because I usually revel in making a speech, but it just got to me seeing Dad and our Mother smiling so happy and standing together again like old times, but I’ve moved on these days and told my Mother that I’m ok with her and her new man, but not to expect me to get close to him anytime soon, it’ll probably take time still, but it’s ok I’m getting better at last.

Later that night when Dad and I got home to his place it was weird, because we were both so tired and we decided we’d have a cup of tea then fall into bed, but we got that cup of tea and sat there talking and we talked and we talked until we could hear the birds starting to chirp out in the garden, and we realized it was getting daylight.

I think those hours of talking was the talk we always needed to have. It sort of took us into a new dimension if you follow me. We talked about things we’d never had the time or the desire to bring up before and it was like washing away something and cleaning the waters. I suppose it all started with us sitting there and me saying how great he looked in his suit and tie, he just looked a picture, and he told me it was so good to see me in a dress for a change. I know I rarely ever wear a dress but it’s always better in jeans or pants and such, that’s just what me and my g/friends have always worn since teenagers. He then got me going by saying that there just isn’t any equality because girls can wear anything they like but men are so restricted in what they can wear. This then blew into a full scale discussion because I told him my theory on why society thinks the way they generally do about men wearing dresses and it just isn’t fair for him or anybody else to blame us, because it’s not our fault, we’re not to blame for society’s attitude, some other men are and he should be looking at them, not us.

I don’t want to go into the full discussion here and my theories because this’ll end up in a series book, but maybe another time I can put my thoughts forward if anybody's interested that is, it might make for a lively discussion.
Anyway afterwards we got onto something else and he said something like, whatever he is he’s always had our best interests at heart and he’s always been there for us. But that also brought out things he wasn’t aware of. The broad thoughts of it all was that I told him that my sis and I would be always grateful for the life he and our Mother gave us, for our education and all the things we had during our life, but the materials things never made up for all the time that he and our Mother spent away from us. We know that their professions took up a huge amount of their time, but when I told him that the thing which will always stick in my mind was all the times they were walking out the door and he said, “ Jennifer, look after your sister now.” I told him that those words were the ones I hated most in my life and that brought a funny look to his face, and he said that although they were on the go so much with their jobs, they were always there for us, and I told him that’s where the problem lay. I told him there’s a huge difference between ‘there’ and ‘here’ and it’s ‘here’ that sis and I longed for them to be a lot more. Anyway, that’s the gist of that conversation and it’d take too long to go into it all, but I don’t think a lot of parents realize how their kids are thinking and they don’t take much notice of what their kids say about things, and just because they materially give their kids everything it doesn’t mean they are giving their kids what we want most of all, and that’s their parents time and presence. I know our parents love us and maybe we were being too demanding, but, I couldn't help the way I felt although I know I'll get over it.

Anyway, I’m sorry if I’ve bored you once again, but thanks for allowing me to be here and it helps get some things off my chest at times.

Jenny.

[Georgia(SO)]

Well, Happy Birthday to you!

And I am so glad that you and your father had a good talk - and how nice that your father listened to you and you to him. Here's good wishes for a marvelous year!

-georgia(so)

[Absaroka]

Happy 21. It's nice to hear from you again.

I'm glad you and your dad had such a good talk. Hopefully there will be a lot more of them.

You didn't bore me at all.

Absaroka

[SilverLady(SO)]

HAPPY 21ST BIRTHDAY, JENNIFER!!

We're really glad that you and your father were able to have that heart-to-heart talk, and we're also happy that you're starting to look at your mother, and her new beau, in a better light. Jennifer, hon, we're all very proud of you, and we know that your grandmother is looking down on you with a very happy look on her face, too!!

Big hugs, dear, and we're always here for you!!

Love ya,

- SL and Virginia

[DonnaT]

Congratulations, and a belated Happy Birthday, Jennifer.

It was nice to hear from you again.

My daughter, Jennifer, has her 29th on the 16th. A good month for Jennifers, I reckon.

[Penni SO]

Hi ya Jennifer,

Firstly Happy Birthday,secondly your post touched my heart.At the moment myself and the children are learning to accept Marie into our life.
Marie was Marc and Father of 4 boys and step dad to my 2 girls.Now she is Maddy and is still the parent to 6 crazy kids..hmmm their just like their mother...seeing as I am the common link.

What hit me the most of what you said..is that sometimes parents do not really know what their kids are thinking or are even listening to what the kids are really saying.
Marie since beginning transition has given the boys many material objects..and I know they are a way for her to express how sorry she is that this is happening in their life.I get upset..because I am the one they come to and often as you say I am not listening properly.We both need to get focused on what is more important than ourselves.
A parents time for a child is the greatest gift of all..it is a time where a parent and child can really get to know each other.That time does'nt need to be hours and everyday,it could be just 10 to 30 mins of quality time.
I know as a mother that much of my childrens behaviour is to get the attention they need,so that they can tell us they are hurting or angry..but as you say we are busy and often we put that behaviour down to our children choosing to be naughty and irresponsible.Rather than really looking deeper to why are they acting like this etc.

Thankyou Jennifer for putting me in your shoes...I know I will go away today and make sure I am listening to my children,that I look further into why they are acting the way they are.

Hugs to you lovely woman,

Hugs Penny

[Tekla]

We are men & women. We are TG. We are a whole lot of things that we have no control over. Being a parent is a choice, one of the few big things in life we do get to choose. Having made that choice, it is one of the few things in my life I feel very absolute about, it is a responsibility you took on with full consent and full will (it was your choice to dance that dance, knowing darn well how it can turn out) and as such it is a 100% absolute responsibility. No one else can cover it, fulfill it for you, or fill in. You live up to it, or not, its the one place in our lives where all the shame or all the honor is ours, and ours alone.

I gave up a lot to raise two boys into honorable manhood, and none of it was as worthwhile as the final result. So, we were poor, and yeah, I could have made a lot of money, a lot more. I worked part time for less that 1/3 of what I could have made full time, so what? And as it was I spent pretty much my life savings to be able to stay at home with them, to be there when they got up, and when they got home from school. and it was worth every penny.

So what if we didn't go to luxury hotels, or on fancy vacations, we did camp our way across the US, in national parks, on beaches, in the wilderness, and I think in retrospect it was better, much better for them in fact. So, they missed a pool or two, they did swim in the Atlantic, the Pacific, Lake Superior and the Gulf of Mexico before they got away from me and went to collage.

Of all the things I've ever done in my life, nothing can come close to ever being better than that.

And the TG thing even worked out well in all of that. I could be a mom when I needed to, to cook, clean, and keep them in line. On the other hand I could do the dad stuff too. Best of both worlds, Its just a shame they had to grow up, that's about the only regret.

[Lucy Michelle]

Hello Jennifer, firstly belated birthday greetings. That was a wonderful post I am delighted you are in a happy place. You made some very profound points which certainly stuck a chord with me.

Best wishes

[KimberlyS]

Jennifer, it is good to hear from you again and a belated Happy Birthday.

There is nothing to apologize for in the past as dealing with our feelings is what this forum is about. And I am so glad you are able to deal with and talk with your parents on a more productive and loving level. You have been through a lot and you are a very strong person. And along with this forum being of some help to you; you have also helped others here on this forum. We have a different understanding one how CDing can affect a family. And that a family can get through the struggles.

Your ex still sounds like the BF of a girl across the alley from us. He did not let up until he was put into jail and she moved away and got a different BF. Now that is not the clue that you have to get a new one until you are ready and find the right one.

I agree with you on the 21 age for a lot of things. But here it is still the legal drinking age.

Thank you also for the reminder to me that we as parents can never spend too much time with our kids when they are young. As they grow up so fast. It seems like mine were just born a few years back, and now they can drive and are spending more and more time away from home with friends.

Take Care,

KimberlyS-CD
joe in a skirt

[JenniferMu.(GG)]

Thank you everyone for all the birthday wishes, it’s something I really looked forward too and now it’s gone I don’t know if there’s another birthday to really look forward to, but I suppose each one we have is a plus, huh?.

Kimberley, actually that thought has been running through my mind lately that I too should move away and maybe go back home to get away from my ex. I’m sick of living with that sick feeling in my tummy and with that feeling of like spider webs crawling over my skin every night when I get out of my car to go inside after work It’s a creepy feeling but seeing I don’t get home of a night until after midnight I have to be careful because he sneaks around and the street is so quiet with no one around. I’ve got myself a personal alarm now and I never get out of my car without it in my hand, but I don’t think I should have to live like this, but on the other hand I really don’t want to move because I’ve got a good job with a great boss who looks after me so well, and the other staff also, and I love my job, and I’ve made new friends and all that.

Anyway, I guess I’ll have to work it out somehow. I’ve actually now got a nice guy ( well he seems nice, but then so did the other one for a time) who keeps asking me out and I’d love to go out with him, but I’m so scared that if the ex sees us he’ll go right off his head and I’m more scared for this nice guy than myself, and I couldn’t live with myself if I was the cause of something bad happening. You see, last month one night when I got home, I got out of my car and as I walked around the corner to go up the steps the ex stepped out and said we had to talk, but I was so tired after a long nights work I kept telling him I needed to have a bath and go to bed, but he kept insisting we go inside and talk, but in the end I got a bit wild and told him to go home and grow up and leave me alone because I never wanted to see him again. With that I turned to walk up the steps to my flat and the next thing something seemed to just explode in my head and the next thing I knew I was laying on the ground and wondering what in the heck had happened. Then it started to dawn on me as I got my senses back and I realized he must have hit me from behind, but he wasn’t about so he must have run off, but he seems to be getting that bit worse each time Anyway, there wasn’t any real damage done, I felt sort of sick for a while and headachy, but it was ok after that, but that shows what he’s capable of and it scares me of what he would do if he saw me with another guy. I’m tossing up whether to go back home and live with Dad for a while or what. I hate the thought of being run off, but I can’t keep living like this with this knotted feeling in my stomach, I’m just so uptight all the time.

Anyway, thanks again for all your nice wishes, I really do appreciate all your kindness of everyone, it’s really lovely. Tekla, that’s just a beautiful story, thank you for sharing it. Penny, I just hope that all the stuff that’s happened over the years will one day go to make me a better parent than I would have been without it, does that make sense? I don’t know, but I’m sure you know what I mean. Thanks again to each and everyone one of you for your kindness.

Jenny.

[DonnaT]

Why didn't you call the police, Jennifer?

That guy needs to be gotten off the streets.

[Absaroka]

Jenny that was assault and I hope you went to the police. And I hope you did not in any way feel responsible for his actions or worry about his sorry little backside getting in trouble. He deserves absolutely no sympathy whatsoever and I hope you have come to know that at a gut level.

Hitting someone from behind isn't even manly. You save stuff like that for self defense and war.

Aside from that if he is still doing this sort of thing this much later I would say that you really do have something to be concerned about.

Absaroka

[KimberlyS]

Jennifer, you really need to go to the police over your ex. Assault from behind and he is stalking you the way it sounds. I do not want to scare you, but please do not become a statistic. The police should take you very serious with his history of abuse and violent out bursts, and him continuing to confront you after this long most likely means he is stalking you. And you most likely have a lot more you have not told us. He is well beyond the point of ignoring him. This is why the police are there.

My sister in law was stalked for some time, and she has two girls. He was in and out of their house even with the doors locked. They would come home and things would be out of place or have been gone through or missing. They seen someone hanging around the house at times and even him leaving their house as they came home. He had been doing it for over three years and he knew her from a previous job. She did not remember him. And to top it off, he was stalking several people. It was like one of the CSI shows when they got to his apartment he had pictures he took of all of the gals he was stalking and things he had taken out of his victims places. He even had a company memo that my sister in law had sent out to everyone. He kept it because it came from her to him.

I am not saying your ex is like this, but please do not ignore the situation. Please go to the police and give them the whole story. From what you have told us they should have more than enough to open an investigation into him. And I am sure you have more.

It is not worth living your life in fear of him. And besides your fear is what this guy most likely thrives off of. You carrying a personal alarm just means he still has a hold on you and some control over you and he knows it.

As for this other guy that has been asking you out. If you are ready, go for it. But yes you may want to make him aware of the situation on or before the first date and then he can make up his own mind if he wants to deal with it. You are not responsible for every thing that happens to everyone around you.

Please keep us up to date, and take care,

KimberlyS-CD

[SilverLady(SO)]

Jenny -

Ditto to what Donna, Absaroka, and Kimberly have said . . . if you haven't already notified the police of that assault - for that's what it was - then I strongly recommend that you do so TODAY!! That, that, neanderthal (I won't insult the male species by calling him a man) needs to be taken off the streets and put behind bars . . . before he seriously injures (or worse yet, kills) you or someone else.

Yes, it's very scary, the thought of letting the police (or anyone, for that matter) know what has been going on between you and the ex-boyfriend, but better that you do so, and now . . . . . before it's too late.

I am seriously afraid that you would not solve anything by moving away and back to where your family is, for this type of behavior from your boyfriend tells me that he would just follow you there, too. No, hon, you can't "run" from this neanderthal, and you *must* notify the police of this and (any and all) other assault(s), file the appropriate criminal charges against him, and then follow through with it, all the way up to and through the criminal court hearing or whatever legal hearings are required in Australia.

Please don't let yourself become a statistic. Don't let him keep controlling your life (which is what he's doing, via fear and assault). Face that neanderthal with the backing of your legal system and file criminal charges against him . . . now.

If you would like to actually like to talk on the phone, hon, I'd be glad to give you my number, but if not, that's okay, too.



Love and hugs,

- SL

[KimberlyS]

Penni or anyone else from Australia able to give some more specific country information on how to legally handle this??