THE OFFICIAL: Bad Jokes Thread #2
Moderator: KimberlyS
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Carolynn
- Miss Diamond Goddess
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Re: THE OFFICIAL: Bad Jokes Thread #2
As bad as the sterotypical blonde that called ON-Star because she got locked out of her car. Turned out it was a convertible and the top was down.......
"It’s not given to anyone to have no regrets; only to decide, through the choices we make, which regrets we’ll have,"
David Weber – In Fury Born
David Weber – In Fury Born
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Leeza
- Miss Ruby Goddess
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Re: THE OFFICIAL: Bad Jokes Thread #2
I thought you were talking about me then I realized I don't have a convertible.
Leeza
Leeza
Leeza
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Carol Elizabeth
- Miss Emerald Goddess
- Posts: 145
- Joined: Thu Jun 14, 2007 7:30 am
- Location: Wisconsin
Re: THE OFFICIAL: Bad Jokes Thread #2
HAPPY HALLOWEEN!
Two brooms were hanging in the closet and
after a while they got to know each other so
well, they decided to get married.
One broom was, of course, the bride broom,
the other the groom broom.
The bride broom looked very beautiful in her
white dress. The groom broom was handsome
and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was
lovely.
After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the
bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom,
'I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!'
'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom.
Are you ready for this?
Brace yourself; this is going to hurt! !! !! !
'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'
............ ............ ..............
Oh for goodness sake... Laugh, or at least groan.
Life's too short not to enjoy... Even these silly
....little cute............. And clean jokes!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sounds to me like she's . . . been . . .
sweeping around!!!
Two brooms were hanging in the closet and
after a while they got to know each other so
well, they decided to get married.
One broom was, of course, the bride broom,
the other the groom broom.
The bride broom looked very beautiful in her
white dress. The groom broom was handsome
and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was
lovely.
After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the
bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom,
'I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!'
'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom.
Are you ready for this?
Brace yourself; this is going to hurt! !! !! !
'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'
............ ............ ..............
Oh for goodness sake... Laugh, or at least groan.
Life's too short not to enjoy... Even these silly
....little cute............. And clean jokes!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sounds to me like she's . . . been . . .
sweeping around!!!
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend.
Inside a dog, it's too dark to read.
Inside a dog, it's too dark to read.
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Anthony Simon
- Miss Ruby Goddess
- Posts: 2346
- Joined: Wed Oct 27, 2010 2:16 pm
- Location: London, UK
Re: THE OFFICIAL: Bad Jokes Thread #2
LOL.Carol Elizabeth wrote:'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!
You want a really bad joke:
"What do you call an arab who owns a dairy herd? A milk sheik..."
I'm terrible at telling jokes....And even worse at making them up.
Socrates: The highest wisdom is to know that you know nothing.
Bill and Ted: That's us, dude.
Bill and Ted: That's us, dude.
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Kyra
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Re: THE OFFICIAL: Bad Jokes Thread #2
For once you have tasted flight you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skywards, for there you have been and there you will long to return. - Leonardo DaVinci
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Carolynn
- Miss Diamond Goddess
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- Joined: Mon Oct 13, 2003 12:52 pm
- Location: Oklahoma City area
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Re: THE OFFICIAL: Bad Jokes Thread #2
So, I met a friend in town today. He had been in Florida working at an orange juce factory. I said, "Hey Ben, how ya doin'? Still making orange juice?"
He replied, "No, I got canned. I was squeezed out because I couldn't concentrate!"
Badda Bump!!!
Carolynn 
He replied, "No, I got canned. I was squeezed out because I couldn't concentrate!"
Badda Bump!!!
Carolynn
"It’s not given to anyone to have no regrets; only to decide, through the choices we make, which regrets we’ll have,"
David Weber – In Fury Born
David Weber – In Fury Born
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Carol Elizabeth
- Miss Emerald Goddess
- Posts: 145
- Joined: Thu Jun 14, 2007 7:30 am
- Location: Wisconsin
Re: THE OFFICIAL: Bad Jokes Thread #2
The New Salesman:
A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a
big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid
says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."
Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give
him a shot, so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store
was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.
"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns
and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!?
Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.
That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your
employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales
force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable
in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the
boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked
(semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"
The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".
The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold
him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where
he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was
going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold
him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic
would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold
him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him
a boat and a TRUCK!?" The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy
tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot,
you should go fishing.
A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a
big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid
says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."
Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give
him a shot, so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store
was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.
"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns
and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!?
Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.
That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your
employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales
force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable
in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the
boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked
(semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"
The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".
The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold
him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where
he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was
going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold
him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic
would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold
him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him
a boat and a TRUCK!?" The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy
tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot,
you should go fishing.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend.
Inside a dog, it's too dark to read.
Inside a dog, it's too dark to read.
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Leeza
- Miss Ruby Goddess
- Posts: 1745
- Joined: Tue Mar 18, 2008 4:46 pm
- Location: McCook, Nebraska
- Contact:
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Marda
- Miss Golden Goddess
- Posts: 553
- Joined: Mon Jul 12, 2004 8:09 pm
- Location: Vancouver Canada
You,Hoser"
Most of you here are probably too Young, but "Zoomers" tending "Seniors" "Know_The_Score"
4Starters,>>> "Listen,Listen, Cat's A_*issin'", Run,Run,Get The Gun,Too Late's,All Done"!
Old Lady walks into a bar to celebrate her 80th Birthday, orders a Glass of Scotch and a Drop Of water, bartender brings her a Glass of Scotch and an Eyedropper with 1 drop of water.
Also at the bar was a Young Couple who Offered to buy her a drink to celebrate her 80th,
One more time, she ordered "As above", and one more time, the bartender brought the "Same_As_above", but this time he Asked_ her "Ma'm", I've been a bartender for many years and I've Never served anyone else a "Glass of Whiskey and one_ Drop_ Of_ water", would you Please explain to me about the one_ Drop_ Of_ water"? the old lady casually replied, "Young Man, I'm An Old Lady,In All my Years, I've Learned" to Hold_My_Liquor", But, I'm Still Having"Trouble_With_My_Water"!
Love,
Marda
4Starters,>>>
"Listen,Listen, Cat's A_*issin'", Run,Run,Get The Gun,Too Late's,All Done"!Old Lady walks into a bar to celebrate her 80th Birthday, orders a Glass of Scotch and a Drop Of water, bartender brings her a Glass of Scotch and an Eyedropper with 1 drop of water.
Also at the bar was a Young Couple who Offered to buy her a drink to celebrate her 80th,
One more time, she ordered "As above", and one more time, the bartender brought the "Same_As_above", but this time he Asked_ her "Ma'm", I've been a bartender for many years and I've Never served anyone else a "Glass of Whiskey and one_ Drop_ Of_ water", would you Please explain to me about the one_ Drop_ Of_ water"? the old lady casually replied, "Young Man, I'm An Old Lady,In All my Years, I've Learned" to Hold_My_Liquor", But, I'm Still Having"Trouble_With_My_Water"!
Love,
Marda
~ Some drink at the fountain of knowledge - Others just gargle ~
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Marda
- Miss Golden Goddess
- Posts: 553
- Joined: Mon Jul 12, 2004 8:09 pm
- Location: Vancouver Canada
Will that be the Gondola, Tbar or Triplechair ticket ,Sir?
True Story,False Reply, 
My most Weird_Family_Request as a FUNeral_Director was, "Can we Put_Dad's_Skis_With_Him_ For_ The_Cremation"? (to which I had to reply)>..
Sorry_But I'm unable to Assure You that There will be any Snow "Where _He's_Going"
Hello Ma;m, I;m calling you to request your visit to us here at the funeral home to recover your Daughter's Jewelry which our staff removed from her body during preparation for the procedures requested by your family. (Nipple rings/studs.)
"Thank You Sir.yes,this is her's, she was always, You_know?
Real Death Situations
Love
Marda
My most Weird_Family_Request as a FUNeral_Director was, "Can we Put_Dad's_Skis_With_Him_ For_ The_Cremation"? (to which I had to reply)>..
Sorry_But I'm unable to Assure You that There will be any Snow "Where _He's_Going"
Hello Ma;m, I;m calling you to request your visit to us here at the funeral home to recover your Daughter's Jewelry which our staff removed from her body during preparation for the procedures requested by your family. (Nipple rings/studs.)
"Thank You Sir.yes,this is her's, she was always, You_know?
Real Death Situations
Love
Marda
~ Some drink at the fountain of knowledge - Others just gargle ~
-
Marda
- Miss Golden Goddess
- Posts: 553
- Joined: Mon Jul 12, 2004 8:09 pm
- Location: Vancouver Canada
Spicey or Regular ?
Lunchtime @ Granville and Broadway>>>
Hotdog Vendor:. HOTDOGGIES,HOT 'N SPICEY AND DONE YOUR_WAY!
Zen_Master: HOw Much for a Jumbo, there Buddy?
TenBucks,Mister, What'll-It-Be?
Zen_Master: Make Me ONE With EVERYTHING!
zEN_mASTER HANDS Vendor a 20, &The Vendor Pockets the 20.
Zen_Masters waits, then asks, Hey,What_About MY_CHANGE?
Vendor replies: CHANGE COMES FROM WITHIN.
Karma,Baby!
Love,
Marda
Hotdog Vendor:. HOTDOGGIES,HOT 'N SPICEY AND DONE YOUR_WAY!
Zen_Master: HOw Much for a Jumbo, there Buddy?
TenBucks,Mister, What'll-It-Be?
Zen_Master: Make Me ONE With EVERYTHING!
zEN_mASTER HANDS Vendor a 20, &The Vendor Pockets the 20.
Zen_Masters waits, then asks, Hey,What_About MY_CHANGE?
Vendor replies: CHANGE COMES FROM WITHIN.
Karma,Baby!
Love,
Marda
~ Some drink at the fountain of knowledge - Others just gargle ~
-
Marda
- Miss Golden Goddess
- Posts: 553
- Joined: Mon Jul 12, 2004 8:09 pm
- Location: Vancouver Canada
Speed Saves
Old Man 85 years old
Speeding his Oldsmobile down the Interstate @ 85 mph = 1 mph/ year.
State_trooper spots him Sspeeding by
The Chase_Is_ON.>>>
Old Man Puts The_Peddle_To_The_Metal.
State_Trooper_ Puts_Another_Nickel_In.
The_Chase_Continues.
Old Man Slows Down And Finally Stops.
Trooper :Good_Afternoon_Sir.
OldMan: What's_The_Matter_Sir.?
Trooper:Sir_You_Were_Speeding_25_MPH_Over_The_Law.
If You Can Tell Me A Story About Why_You_Were_Speeding That I've Never Heard Before, I'll Let You Off with Only_A_Warning.
OldMan: Well, Sir, Many Years Ago, My Wife Ran Off With A State Trooper, I Thought You Were Bringing Her Back To Me!
Love,
Marda
Speeding his Oldsmobile down the Interstate @ 85 mph = 1 mph/ year.
State_trooper spots him Sspeeding by
The Chase_Is_ON.>>>
Old Man Puts The_Peddle_To_The_Metal.
State_Trooper_ Puts_Another_Nickel_In.
The_Chase_Continues.
Old Man Slows Down And Finally Stops.
Trooper :Good_Afternoon_Sir.
OldMan: What's_The_Matter_Sir.?
Trooper:Sir_You_Were_Speeding_25_MPH_Over_The_Law.
If You Can Tell Me A Story About Why_You_Were_Speeding That I've Never Heard Before, I'll Let You Off with Only_A_Warning.
OldMan: Well, Sir, Many Years Ago, My Wife Ran Off With A State Trooper, I Thought You Were Bringing Her Back To Me!
Love,
Marda
~ Some drink at the fountain of knowledge - Others just gargle ~
-
Marda
- Miss Golden Goddess
- Posts: 553
- Joined: Mon Jul 12, 2004 8:09 pm
- Location: Vancouver Canada
Do You Have A Reservation Sir?
At The_Pearly_Gates_Hotel? 
Men's_Entrance>>>
Front ReceptionDesk>>> Elevated Bench
St.Peter is On_Duty>>> Looking _Down and In_Front_Of_Him At The_ 2_ Lines_ Of_ New_ Arrivals>>>
Behind St.Peter ,UP_High_On_The_Wall Are 2_ Direction_Signs_With_Directional_ Arrows>>>
Sign_Line_#1>>> All_Men_Who_Were_HenPecked_During_Their_Lives>>>
Sign_Line_#2>>> All_Men_Who_Were__NOT_HenPecked_During_Their_Lives>>>
Line_#1>>> Long_As_Far_As_The_Eye_Can_See>>>
Line_#2>>> One_Man_All_Alone>>>
St.Peter_To_Lonely_One_Man: Sir, Why Are You Standing_There?
Lonely_One_Man: My Wife Told Me To!
Love,
Marda
Men's_Entrance>>>Front ReceptionDesk>>> Elevated Bench
St.Peter is On_Duty>>> Looking _Down and In_Front_Of_Him At The_ 2_ Lines_ Of_ New_ Arrivals>>>
Behind St.Peter ,UP_High_On_The_Wall Are 2_ Direction_Signs_With_Directional_ Arrows>>>
Sign_Line_#1>>> All_Men_Who_Were_HenPecked_During_Their_Lives>>>
Sign_Line_#2>>> All_Men_Who_Were__NOT_HenPecked_During_Their_Lives>>>
Line_#1>>> Long_As_Far_As_The_Eye_Can_See>>>
Line_#2>>> One_Man_All_Alone>>>
St.Peter_To_Lonely_One_Man: Sir, Why Are You Standing_There?
Lonely_One_Man: My Wife Told Me To!
Love,
Marda
~ Some drink at the fountain of knowledge - Others just gargle ~
-
Marda
- Miss Golden Goddess
- Posts: 553
- Joined: Mon Jul 12, 2004 8:09 pm
- Location: Vancouver Canada
Re: THE OFFICIAL: Bad Jokes Thread #2/ We Graduates
When The Time Comes For Us To Have Our CD-Forum Class Reunion >>>
I've renamed This Here College As A FullBlown University>>>
WHATS-A-MATTA U!
Love,Marda
I've renamed This Here College As A FullBlown University>>>
WHATS-A-MATTA U!
Love,Marda
~ Some drink at the fountain of knowledge - Others just gargle ~
-
Marda
- Miss Golden Goddess
- Posts: 553
- Joined: Mon Jul 12, 2004 8:09 pm
- Location: Vancouver Canada
ring ring ring ring ring ring
Thank You For Calling Incontinence Hotline , Your Call Is Important To You
Please stay On The Line
Can You HOLD Please?
Now Back To Your Regular Programming
now This Only Sounds Like what's Happening Next
Peace Be On You
Love peace out
Marda
Please stay On The Line
Can You HOLD Please?
Now Back To Your Regular Programming
now This Only Sounds Like what's Happening Next
Peace Be On You
Love peace out
Marda
~ Some drink at the fountain of knowledge - Others just gargle ~