THE OFFICIAL: Bad Jokes Thread #2

[Sally]

Three friends are having a drink in a Dublin pub.....

Mick says, " I think my wife is having an affair with an electrician. The other day I came home and found a pair of wire cutters under our bed."

Shaun says, " I think my wife's having an affair too, and with a plumber, cos the other day I came home and found a wrench under our bed."

Paddy says," Well I think my wife is having an affair with a horse."

His two friends look at him in disbelief.

"It's true" says Paddy, " Cos the other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."


* * * * * * * *

This topic has been split due to its large size. The first section may be found here:

http://crossdressers-haven.com/forums/v ... php?t=2287

- SL

[Carolynn]

Man walks into the Dr.s Office. "Doc, ya gotta help me", he moans,"I think I'm shrinking!!"

The Doc says, "Oh settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient!!"

[DonnaT]

The Airplane Trip

A programmer and an engineer were sitting next to each other on an airplane. The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he wants to play a fun game. The engineer just wants to sleep so he politely declines, turns away, and tries to sleep. The programmer persists and explains that it's a real easy game. He explains, "I'll ask a question and if you don't know the answer you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question and if I don't know the answer I'll pay you $5." Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to sleep.

The programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $50!" Now, that got the engineer's attention, so he agrees to the game. The programmer asks the first question, "what is the distance from the earth to the moon?" The engineer doesn't say a word and just hands the programmer $5.

Now, it's the engineer's turn. He asks the programmer, "what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?" The programmer looks at him with a puzzled look, takes out his laptop computer, looks through all his references and after about an hour wakes the engineer and hands him $50. The engineer politely takes the $50, turns away, and tries to return to sleep.

The programmer, a little miffed, asks, "Well? What's the answer to the question?" Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, hands $5 to the programmer and returns to sleep.

[SilverLady(SO)]

Before Bill could start his first job right out of college, he had to present evidence that he was a US citizen, so he brought a driver's license and birth certificate.

The clerk looked at Bill's driver's license and copied down some information. She then picked up his birth certificate and gave it a good, long look. "Is something wrong?" he finally asked.

"Yes," she said. "I can't find the expiration date."


*Hugs*

- SL

[Carolynn]

After my experience with the mentally challenged low level flunkie last week, that is funny!!!

Keep it up SL.

[SilverLady(SO)]

To make sure your résumé ends up in the interview pile and not the circular file, avoid these classic, real-life typos:

* "Consistently tanked as a top sales producer for new accounts."

* "Dramatically increased exiting account base, achieving new company record."

* "Experienced supervisor, defective with both rookies and seasoned professionals."

* "Seeking a party-time position with potential for advancement."


*Hugs*

- SL

[CJ]

Two blondes walking together one afternoon, out in the country.

Looking down, one says to the other, "Hey, wolf tracks."
"No," says the second one. "Those are deer tracks."

They start following the tracks.

"Wolf," says the first.
"Deer," says his friend.
"Wolf," insists the first, raising his voice a little.
"Deer!"
"Wolf!"
"Deer, I tell ya!"
"No! Wolf!"

They argue and argue and argue.

A half hour later, they get hit by a train.

CJ

[Carolynn]

Blonde Jokes are back?

A man was in his front yard, mowing grass, when his attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut & stormed back in the house. A little later, she came out of her house again, went to the mail box and again opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong?'
To which she replied, 'There certainly is!'

This is sooooooo! o good! !!


My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL.'

[Carol Elizabeth]

A guy told a gal that she had a sexy outfit on.

Tired of sexual harrassment and ready to do something about it, she said, "How would you like a bust in the mouth!"

He said, "I don't know, let me try one out for size."

They say he'll walk again, but he will always have a limp.

CE

[Sally]

There was a Russian, an American and a Blonde sitting round chatting.

The Russian said," We were the first to travel in space."

The American replies, "Well, we were the first on the moon."

The Blonde says, "Well we're going to be the first on the Sun."

The Russian and the American stare at her to see if she's joking, and they say, " You can't do that, you'll be fried to a cinder."

The Blonde replies," You think I'm stupid or something, of course we're going at night."

[Jennifer M]

Notice from the department of Motor Vehicles

Effective immediately: All headlight dimmer switches are to be moved from the steering column back onto the floor.

The reason, excessive accidents resulting from blondes that have gotten their feet stuck in the steering wheel

[Carolynn]

Mom, Dad, Junior and Boo-Boo are watching a DVD on a Friday night. After the kids begin really becoming absorbed in the movie, the parents begin their little silent communications about having sex while the kids are occupied with the TV.

They get up and sneak upstairs thinking that every thing's cool. However, a couple of minutes later, Junior sneaks upstairs and looks through the master bedroom door's keyhole. After a few seconds, he runs downstairs and motions for Boo-boo to follow him upstairs. As they ascend the stairs, Junior whispers to Boo-boo, "Before you see this I gotta remind you that this is the same woman who used to whip our butts for sucking our thumbs!"

[Carolynn]

Well, we lost a great artist from the opera world, and as we might expect, his death is commemorated in the following pun (which I was told he loved, in 5 languages):

Pavarotti knocks on the Pearly Gates.

St Peter opens them and says "Oh Luciano, it's you, Come on in - squeeze through".

Pavarotti says "I have a letter from the Pope for you".

St Peter opens it up and reads it.

"Here's that tenor I owe you".

[Carolynn]

A tourist in San Francisco was wandering around Chinatown, when he walked through a narrow alley and entered upon a street he had not seen before. A few doors from him, there was a antique (junk) store, and since he enjoyed those, he dropped in. The shelves were just piled with stuff and it took him some time to sort through just one of the shelves. The only thing that interested him on the shelf was an extremely well detailed bronze sculpture of a rat!. Well, it was the year of the Rat, so he thought he would buy it.

He asked the shop owner the price, and the man told him it was $12, but the rest of the story about the rat was $1,000. He shrugged, and said "keep the story old Man", and bought the rat for $12.

He walked out the door and was surprised to see a couple of large rats pop out of an alley and a sewer and start following him. Uneasy, he started walking faster, but as he passed each alley and sewer the number of rats following him increased. Soon the number of rats was in the thousands, and he was just scared. He saw the peir was not far away and ran toward it, leaping on a light pole and throwing the bronze rat into the ocean as hard as he could. The thousands of rats went off the pier and most of them drowned.

He shakily made his way back to the shop and walked in. The Old Man said, "ahhh, now you are back for the story!"

The guy says, " No, not really. I just wanted to know if you have any bronze republicans!" Or democrats, or Longhorns, or Aggies, or....?)

[Carol Elizabeth]

Politics - from the combination of two words:

Poly - meaning many

and

Tics - meaning blood sucking creatures.

CE