THE OFFICIAL: Bad Jokes Thread #2

[Carolynn]

So, I was out fishing the other day.
I had been at it a couple of hours and ran out of bait.
I saw a cottonmouth trying to swallow a large frog. Now frogs make good bass bait.
I knew the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in it's mouth, so I grabbed it right behind it's head.
After a few minutes of excitement, I had the dead frog in my bait bucket and an angry cottonmouth in my hand.
I needed to let go of the snake, so I got my bottle of Jack Daniels from my tackle box and poured some down his throat.
The snake kinda jerked and went limp, and I was able to release it into the water without being bitten.
I kept fishing with the frog parts, and was about out of bait again, when I felt a nudge at my foot.
Looking down, there was that same cottonmouth, with TWO frogs in it's mouth.
Talk about needin' a drink.......It's never dull in Florida, a great life.

I think this guy musta been from Texas to throw out a tale like that, maybe a govument re-tir-eeee?

[SilverLady(SO)]

A guy travelling through Mexico on vacation lost his wallet and all of his identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home but was stopped by the U.S. Customs Agent at the border.

"May I see your identification, please?" asked the agent.

"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replied the guy.

"Sure, buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry," said the agent.

"But I can prove I'm an American!" the guy exclaimed. "I have a picture of Ronald Reagan tattooed on one side of my butt and George Bush on the other."

"This I gotta see," replied the agent. With that, the guy dropped his pants and showed the agent his behind.

"By golly, you're right!" exclaimed the agent. "Have a safe trip back to Chicago."

"Thanks!" said the guy, "But how did you know I was from Chicago?"

The agent replied, "I recognized Obama in the middle."








* * For the record, I respect the Office of "President of the U.S.A.", but not the current person occupying that Office. Respect must be earned and is not an automatic entitlement.

[Carolynn]

A man was driving happily down the road when his car started bucking and missing and then died. He tried to restart it, but it just would not start beyond hitting a couple of times.

He glanced at his gas gauge, and he was out of gas. Miles from no where, he rolled down his window in the warm day and settled himself to await another car come along.

Then a Bee flew into his car. The guy started cautiously trying to get it out of the car but was astounded when the Bee said, "Hey wait a minute man. I just dropped by to see what was wrong."

The astonished man stuttered out an explanation of the probem, and the bee said, "Oh cool, I get it. Wait here", and flew out the window.

The man muttered, wait here, like I could do anything else, right.

After about half an hour, the bee returned with many others and told the guy to take his gas cap off. He did, and bee after bee fliew into and out of the tank. After the last one, the Bee says to the guy, "Ok, try the car now."

Doubtfully the man turned the key and the car roared to life.

"Wow, he says to the Bee. What were you and your friends carrying?"

The Bee says, "BP, of course."

well maybe ya had to bee there?

[Carolynn]

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles, some drivers getting out to see what was going on.

Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'

Tired of the question, the truck driver says, 'Nah, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'

[Carolynn]

Husband: "Today is Sunday & I have to enjoy it, so I bought 3 movie tickets. "

Wife: "Why Three?"

Husband: They're for you and your parents.....

[Leeza]

A man was driving 85 miles per hour down the interstate when a patrolman pulled up behind him with lights flashing.

The man didn't want stopped so he sped up to 115 MPH to try to outrun the patrolman It dawned on him that doing so wasn't smart so he pulled over.

The patrolman pulled up, stopped behind him and walked up to the side of the vehicle.

Sir, it is Friday and I get off in 30 minutes. If you can give me a story as to why you were speeding that I haven't heard before I will let you go.

The man was scared and shaking but started in. Officer my wife ran away last week with a police office and I thought you were trying to return her.

The officer said have a good day as he left

[Carolynn]

A duck walks into a pub and says to the barman: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we have no bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bubbles bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, are you deaf, we haven't got any bubbles bread, ask me again and I'll nail your bubbles beak to the bar you irritating bastard bird!"
Duck says: "Got any nails?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?

[Carolynn]

Open to a clip or a man and woman lying in bed, looking disheveled and sweaty, obviously fresh from hot, sweaty sex.

As they are laying there, she rolls toward him, head on his chest and hand below the covers. Of course, she is gently fondling those items that she so recently derived pleasure from.

He looks at her fondly, and says, " Wow, you really like those don't you"?

Her, " Oh yeah, they're OK, but mostly its just that I miss mine so much......"

Budda Bump Ting.

[Carolynn]

A tired man ordered a pizza. The counter man asked him if he wanted the pizza cut into 8 or 4 wedge shaped pieces. The exhasted man sighed and moaned "better make it 4 pieces. I don't think I could eat 8 of them.

[DonnaT]

Three Englishmen were in a pub and spotted a Scotsman at the bar.

The first one said he was going to piss him off so he walked over to the Scotsman and tapped him on the shoulder.

"Hey Jock, I hear your St. Andrew was a poof."

"Oh aye really? Hmm! I didna know that."

Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his mates.

"I told him his St. Andrew was a poof and he didn't care!"

"You just don't know how to set him off. Watch and learn."

The second Englishman walked over and tapped the Scotsman on the shoulder.

"Hey Jock, I hear your St. Andrew was a transvestite poof!"

"Oh, jings! I didnae know that. Thank you."

Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies.

"You're right. He is unshakeable!"

The third Englishman said "No, no, no! I will really piss him off. You just watch."

The Englishman walked over to the Scotsman, tapped him on the shoulder and said...

"Hey Jock I hear your St. Andrew was an Englishman!"

"Aye! So yer mates were jist sayin’...."

[Anne]

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York archeologists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: "California archaeologists, finding traces of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 100 years earlier than the New Yorkers."

One week later, The Jersey Journal, a local newspaper in Jersey City , New Jersey , reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in his back yard, Vinnie 'The Salami' Manziano, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Vinnie has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, New Jersey had already gone wireless."

[Paula G]

I heard this on Woman's Hour on radio 4 this morning during an item on sherry

At a pre lunch party at the Vicarage the Vicars wife comes around with a tray of sherry for the guests. Two ladies are standing together one takes a glass of sherry, the other announces that;-
"I would rather commit adultery than drink sherry at this time in the morning"
the other lady puts back her glass and says
"I've changed my mind, I didn't realise there was a choice"

[Paula G]

Sorry if i've done this one before
The joke:

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring. He replies, "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a Nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a Nun kiss me." She responded, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and Catholic!" "OK" the Nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The Nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?" "Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

[Paula G]

I shoudl have said that this comes from http://youcancallmemeg.blogspot.com/ highly recomdended

[Carolynn]

A Johnny Joke

When the teacher asked her grade school students which part of the body first reaches heaven and had received responses of hand (because we pray), head (because in prayer it is the highest point) little Johnny spoke up and said its the feet. When the teacher made the mistake of asking him why in the world he thought that he told her he was passing by his parents bedroom door and his Dad was on top of his Mom trying to keep her here but she was thrashing about something awful with her feet up in the air as she screamed "oh lordy, oh lordy I'm coming, oh yes Jesus".