THE OFFICIAL: Bad Jokes Thread #2

[Carol Elizabeth]

WHY I'M DEPRESSED


I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the
economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement
funds, etc . . . I called a Suicide Hotline.

I had to press 1 for English. I was connected to a call center in Pakistan .

I told them I was suicidal.

They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck......

[Carolynn]

So, over the Christmas/New Years Holidays, I had the opportunity to spend some time with my grand-nephew and grand-neice, 11 and 7, respectively. My grand-nephew decided to tell me a joke, or maybe more of a riddle. He asked, "Why are turds tapered on the end"? The answer to this hoary piece of juvenile scatological male humor of course was "So your A--hole won't slam shut." I told him that was a joke that was old when I was a kid.

With a look of astonishment, my 7 years old grand-neice said "You mean you were a kid?"

Out of the mouths of babes! Nothing like feeling your age.

Carolynn

[Lydia]

Who is president of China....

Yes


Hugs, Lydia

[Connie]

I thought Hu was on first base, Watt on second.

[Carolynn]

"Hu's the president of China?"
"Yes."
"Hu is."
"Yes."
"That's what I'm asking you. Hu's the president of China?"
"Hu."
"Look, when they pay the president of China, Hu gets the money?"
"Every dollar of it."
"Hu does?"
"Yes. Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it."
"Hu's wife?"
"Yes. Why not? the man's earned it.

[Julie Dawn]

A man walks into a bar with a crocodile on a lead. As the patrons scramble onto tables and chairs, the barman shouts, “Get that f***ing crocodile out of here.”

The man says, “But this is a highly trained crocodile, let me show you.” With that he takes out his p***s and puts it in the crocodiles mouth, then smacks the crocodile over the back of its head. The crocs jaw snaps shut, stopping just a fraction of an inch from his p***s.

“See, I told you this is highly trained crocodile. Would anyone else like to have a go?”

After a pause a little old lady said, “I wouldn’t mind having a go if you don’t hit me over the head too hard!”

[Carolynn]

Breaking News.

Emeril Arrested!!

After an under the table investigation, New York police arrested Emeril Friday night. He was observed by the clandestine officers as he beat eggs and whipped cream. At his arraignment, Emeril complained that he didn't have to dough to bail himself out of assult with batter charges. The icing on the cake came about when he attempted to bribe the judge with a large cinnamon roll. He is now being held on this third charge.

His only comment was that you couldn't make an omlet without breaking eggs.

[Carol Elizabeth]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and
the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

[Carol Elizabeth]

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered.


"Interesting," the newsman thought.


He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.


After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.


The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

[Susan]

Posthumous award for Osama bin Laden

World Hide and Seek Champion for 10 straight years 2001 - 2011

[Carolynn]

An unemployed jester is nobody's fool.

[Carolynn]

Another American Converts to Islam
Tuesday, July 12, 2011 10:06 PM

It was announced today that Buckwheat, of Our Gang fame has converted to The Muslim faith and changed his name to Kareem of Wheat.

(I just hope he doesn't become a cereal killer.)

[Carolynn]

Do you remember the first time you had sex???

Wasn't it thrilling? The joy, the anticipation, the excitement??

Wouldn't it have been REALLY fun if somebody had been there to share the moment with you???

[Carolynn]

Despite a determined attempt to set a new speed record for walking for 5,000 miles, Mr. Peebles suffered the agony of defeat after only 2,000 miles. 12 bottles of foot balm had him on his feet again in about a week. I dunno, maybe you had to be there?

[Anna]

From A Mother With Love
Dear Child,

I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home.

Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though.

Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home.

They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.

Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom.

Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.