The Official: How To Get Understanding/Acceptance From An SO

[Eileen (SO)]

Hanna,
She's out to just myself and her forum friends and has no desire to transition. As a couple, our friends and most family are very conservative. When going out femme, he must either change to she at the meeting, or wait till dark to leave the house.

In regards to Ashley's concerns in starting this thread, there are ways to allow a CD husband her needs and a wife still has her husband.

Eileen

[Anne Bonny]

Wow....a very old thread so writing and adding to it now may be like pulling a crumpled up paper out of the trash, flattening it out and proceeding to respond...Oh well since nothing is rumpled up on a blog and may still be viewed by some here goes my two cents worth...

Seven years into our marriage I could no longer stand it so I finally shared my secret with my poor wife. Yes! it was completely out of the blue and Yes again she saw it as a huge breech of trust and as a betrayal as I was seen by her as the other woman! Indeed!!! I think we fail to understand. Think about it! What you are really asking of your Cis gender straight traditional loving partner who wants a MAN and has never wanted anything else, and finding you she believed that is exactly what she had found and she was very happy in an ideal marriage! Then you hit her with this and in your mind you can't understand why she cannot accept it! It is not difficult. Firstly you lied, misrepresented yourself to her and covered it all up. Secondly you are asking a straight traditional cis gender woman...YOUR WIFE for crying out loud to fully accept it all and not only that to be all over you with hugs laughs and kisses not only enjoying your feminine side but desiring it and encouraging you to do it and take it into the marriage from now on seamlessly..Hey! let's go shopping together, let me teach you about make up...let's do your nails honey! Gee Now I can take the lead and take charge and be more in the male role in our relationship sometimes!!!

Really!? Man you are really dreaming if you believe that that would be the rare girl. Think about it she is traditional, cis gender and heterosexual and wants her MAN!!!! She does not want anything else, she has never been bi sexual or homosexual she does not want a woman that turns her stomach, makes her cringe in revulsion, and sicken's her...and this is now filling her head and it permanently changes how she thinks of you... she cringes and is repulsed by you. You are incredibly lucky if she finds deep within and with very deep disappointment that she loved you...so she will not leave but will put on a brave face and will tolerate something that drives her absolutely flipping crazy!!!!

My wife loved me...she kind of understood but I know she wished she had never known this about me and I was very lucky to receive a degree of tolerance allowing me to dress in private on occasion when no one was around with all the blinds drawn. This is what you have brought on by failing to tell her early in your dating relationship and long before marriage. It means potentially for the rest of your life this is the bed you have made for yourself so do not expect it to improve much...it may some over a long long time with many many very short conversations over several years but there is a limit. If you wanted the woman of your dreams who would be absolutely thrilled excited encouraging and desiring you when you are feeling feminine every bit as much as when you are in your masculine mode then you should have sought that out when you were dating and you may have found it as there are many women who if they know going in and like it would have made you very happy.

Telling after marriage...what you have is about the optimal under those conditions...you may over time receive a little more tolerance but it will never be full enthusiastic acceptance...a heterosexual traditional woman has a limit.

I think If I am lucky enough to find a potential candidate after my wife is gone (she is in very late stage Alzheimer's) I will have to tell her flat out to her face...I really do not think that you want me because I have a very definite feminine side and dress from time to time in women's clothing...I am gender fluid though most of the time I am male it is something I have not been able to change I have been gender fluid my entire life.

[Eileen (SO)]

Oh Anne, this thread is not that old, only since September.

Being honest to a new partner now days is much easier than back in 1980 when I was married, there is a lot more reliable information available. Most CD's really believe their dressing is temporary and would go away when married, but it doesn't.
Indeed, my husband kept well hidden while being a good father. It was after the kids moved away that his need to dress became impossible to stay in a closet.

I can forgive the deceit as it wasn't really intentional. Besides, being honest at that time, there would have been no marriage.

I don't want to repeat myself, maybe I should though. I came to accept, within certain limits, after realizing that his need to dress will not go away, it harms no one, is not sexual, 'she's' not gay or picking up men, and most important, he wants to be a man with a loving wife.

So, I'd rather have this part time woman in my life I order to keep a husband that's been so good to me than lose him. Besides, it's fun having our girl nights!

Eileen

[Anne Bonny]

Hi, That is it exactly...I thought it would go away in marriage...for a while it seemed to be in hibernation...but it began to come back. I also remember being in her apartment one time and her saying "would you like to try it on?" (a white nurses uniform) we were both nurses. Now I may have been temporarily insane and believe I heard her say something but that is what I thought that I heard. I was a cross dresser prior to marriage .... from the time I was old enough to realize any of this! But I said nothing. I was desperate to find a wife. I was a shy guy but was coming out of all of that much more by my late twenties. How could I risk losing someone I was so interested in!? No...what will be the need once I am married? You are absolutely correct. This was about 1990.

I believe my wife stayed with me for the same reasons you have stated and because we loved each other...it was a true marriage...I miss it all but we can't go back there is only the here and now life proceeds forwards from the present...it will be ok. I do not know if she ever thought it was fun...I do feel I can state that she understood it was not something I could help or make go away and that I could not help needing to do it...it was never optimal maybe if I am lucky enough to find love again late in life I will be able to find someone for who it does not matter that would be like a dream.

I am mostly a man...but these thoughts are there every day or nearly so even if I do not spend several hours doing it every day...might go for a week or more or could be doing it some every day...

[Requal Jo]

I was married in 1972 and at that time my dressing was not an issue. It came out again in 1974 and I was honest with my wife at this time.

It was put away again due to Defence duties and did not really surface again till 2009. (Although I had some private dressings on very few occasions during the time lapse).

In 2012 I could not hid this with in me anymore and came out to my wife that it had commenced again. This time she was shocked, disillusioned, confused and angry. She believed that I had out grown the dressing.

She even commented that she "married a man" and she "wanted a husband". I explained that I did not want to be a woman; that I just enjoyed wearing the wonderful clothing available to women. It made me feel whole and relaxed. It got rid of all the stresses and frustrations that came from work. I strongly pointed out that it did not change who I was nor my feelings for my wife, whom I love very much.

My wife reluctantly agreed and while she is more accepting of Requal as time goes by, there still remains some apprehension within her when Reqaul appears.

I must say that some things are improving as she now discusses women's fashion with me and we talk about different dresses, skirts and top styles. She is still a bit out there on the underwear.

[Eileen (SO)]

Requel Jo,

She even commented that she "married a man" and she "wanted a husband".

Quite right! If we accept this behavior now, what's next? I'm sure that my guy has secret fantasies of being a real woman, a lesbian woman. We've talked about this. All day or maybe a weekend femme is her limit. All in all, he prefers being male and is quite comfortable as a man.
It's difficult to be honest about your feelings until you've explored the boundaries of your comfort zone.

I think it's great that your wife is now discussing women's fashions with you. A wife can learn a lot about her husband's preference in how an ideal woman looks to them. We actually give advice to each other now. Her hang up is underwear? I don't much care what's worn under the clothing, as long as the 'boys' are OK.

Eileen

[Anne Bonny]

Hum. Interesting. Yes there are boundaries we are all unique those may be a few hours...for myself rarely a day...very rarely consecutive day or days...perhaps dressing some over days for a few hours to every other day to several times a week but usually only for a few morning hours. I am finding I like feminine sleep wear because it tends to be comfortable sometimes cooler or warmer depending with appropriate fem panties to be consistent about it.

For many our fem runs are self limiting and we revert back.

It is beyond wonderful to have such wonderful acceptance and encouragement of who we are...of our femm side that it is really ok and accepted with a light heart ...and most of our time we are men ... masculine...husbands for our wives. so that's good and only a woman's perspective can provide that for us CD's out here wondering so thanks for your honest perspectives Eileen.

[Stephanie M]

Most CD's really believe their dressing is temporary and would go away when married, but it doesn't.

Yes I actually believed that the first time I got married. As you probably can guess it worked out really well, or not.

[Stephanie M]

Hi, That is it exactly...I thought it would go away in marriage...for a while it seemed to be in hibernation...but it began to come back. .

Same thing happened to me. Until the first time she was out of town for a few days I did pretty well but then naturally being alone at home and her being close in size to me I reverted and then for a couple of years managed to hide it until one night when she wasn't asleep like I thought she was.

[Anne Bonny]

So....Stephanie, what happened...have you gained some tolerance or is it the o'l "Mexican stand off"..."Don't do it in public or when I am around, I don't want to know about it or to see it!? Hum...hope she gave you some understanding.

[Stephanie M]

Short answer is we ended up divorced, not exclusively for this. I'll give the long answer later when I'm home.

[Rhanda]

If you have children, you have not been fooling your family anyway. Your children know all your warts. That said, here is my best defense of my cross dressing. I have never come home drunk and abusive. I have never spent the grocery money on my clothes either mail or female. I have never been arrested except for a couple of traffic tickets

In other words, I have been a fairly good husband and father. She can be appreciative of the fact that I am more in love with her than I could be in love with anyone or anything including Rhanda. And I tell her about it all the time.

This may sound like boasting but it works because I mean it.a

Rhand

[Stephanie M]

Now for the long answer, Anne.

Naturally she was pissed and said a lot of horrible and mean things, which is understandable since I had hidden this from her.
We tried counseling but I was too cowardly to speak of my cross dressing which defeated the whole purpose. So for the next few years I only did it when she wasn't around. After the divorce, which was not solely due to my "hobby" but due to a whole bunch of issues we had with each other, I started wearing panties constantly and wearing nighties around the house and to bed every night.

Then a couple years later I met my current wife and I didn't come out and say what I was, I started off by just wearing panties when we were together and it took her awhile to notice believe it or not she just thought they were stylish men's undies, they were the standard cotton hanes her way that I suppose don't always look too feminine. Introducing her to my nighty "fetish" took a bit longer but when I came clean she actually took me nighty shopping. For years I was totally content just doing that then we went to the Rocky Horror Picture show in costumes and being dressed sparked something in me. She has been supportive with this evolution of my cross dressing and puts up with it, she even tries on every new dress I buy. The only compromise really is during certain times, like being intimate she wants me in man mode and I'm totally fine with that. Because during those times is really the only time I fully feel masculine, most times I feel like a hybrid not fully masculine nor fully feminine.

[Eileen (SO)]

Wonderful post, Stephanie. Live within your accepting wife's limits, you'll both be happy.

Eileen

[Emily]

It is a great post, Stephanie.

I love the fact that your wife tries on your dresses! Brilliant!

Reminds me of an incident a long time ago just after I had moved in with my s/o... She needed pantyhose. She had none, but knew that I did. So, of course she asked if she could borrow them. Of course she could! In a laughing way, she said that she never thought she'd ever be asking to borrow pantyhose from her boyfriend.

That was when she was really making an effort to try to accept my crossdressing, even though it was still in my very early, early days before going full-on. But... somewhere along the way something went wrong. I must have taken a wrong turn somewhere. Did I push too hard? Did I expect too much? But like most times, (and I mean no disrespect to any GG) woman is upset and man is left wondering "what did I do?".

But back to Stephanie's post... I am genuinely happy for you, girl. It sounds like you've found that perfect balance. Normally, this is where I'd say "don't push it" and "accept the limits" but in your case Stephanie, it sounds like you already know this and that's AWESOME. Good for you!