Earning the right to wear women's clothes

[Anne Bonny]

We are all unique and different so I can really only speak for myself. I for one have always had this second sense inside myself... So I drift in this direction. Now I can see and there are those men who do throw on a dress and just go out! They in my mind are no different than those who dress goth, or are covered in tattoos and piercings and have had surgery to intentionally deform their selves to look like reptiles or animals or some creature out of hell...the intention is really a statement that I do not care what you think! It can be an aggressive statement seeking to shock in such a way as to "give the finger" in a sense in making that statement. Or, It could reveal a deep seated self loathing and hatred? I truly believe some are truly mentally ill. Well...I am not in that boat. A man who goes out in a dress may simply be asserting a right to wear what he wants certainly no mental illness or much of a shock value there. Some artisans wear a "utility kilt" with tool belts on. Whatever.

Personally I groom myself and dress because of how I feel and have always felt inside myself my gender crosses the gender line and always has...I have an expansive gender...a new term I have picked up that I like saw it in the National Geographic Magazine Gender Revolution issue...very cool term implying some of us have a very wide gender spanning from male into the female range...gender fluid....and such...

I am working very hard and I am beginning to achieve my desire which is to physically look like the gender I am in. I want to be flawless...so that If I do go out hopefully some will see me as a woman, but this is what holds me back from going too far...one thing to go for a run, or a walk or a drive...it is another to enter into commerce in what I feel to be my gender, no problem doing it as a male but as a female...I just feel I have a ways to go. I want to be the best that I can be. I have the lever all the way over...but I would need the help of professionals to go further...pierced ears....Facial laser hair removal and Electrolysis to follow up....HRT...SRS?? perhaps cosmetic surgery on my face.... Even with all of that I am not sure...But I do know I do have a optimum potential as a woman. Living more fully every day is really helping me to learn.

The main thing is not to care what others think of us. To realize that any social reaction is driven by the same teasing and shaming we would have been subjected to as children only on steroids if we cross the gender line...I suppose if the shaming and teasing does not make us conform they feel the need to go on steroids and yell and scream at us and call us names...do I care? NO! because this is who I am! They do not understand and do not want society and it's arbitrary standards to change but you know what!? Society and the arbitrary standards ARE CHANGING so they can whine and complain and scream and yell at us all that they want to...sorry screamers...your day is done...get over it! You are not going to oppress me any more this is who I am and I have the same rights as anybody else to simply be exactly who I am inside!

Going out there are various strategies which can help us. First is not to care what others think their opinion is not important because this is who I am so my opinion of myself is the only one that matters. Now it is important to be comfortable which can help your confidence as we get over being socially shy as women. You can ignore others, look away or look somewhere else and just keep walking...sometimes you can look if you feel comfortable. You can bring your sunglasses to hide behind take them out of your hair and put them over your eyes. You can turn away and look at the sights ignoring others. Another way is to dress APPROPRIATELY like the average woman of your age doing what you are doing in the area you are living in!!! I am not wearing very feminine clothes to jog in or walk in and I have not worn a dress in public though I have driving or getting the mail for instance...but were I to go visit a friend who was accepting I could!!! But most ladies here in the south do wear jeans shorts running shoes and polo tops or tee shirts similar to mens...underneath I will wear a sports bra or a bra and may or may not have my enhancers in but certainly not my mastectomy forms...because at this time I am not yet comfortable doing so...well unless driving.

Comfort and confidence...If we are relaxed and confident...we are going to be accepted unless we dress like a tart! and stick out like a sore thumb so that people stare it is important to be appropriate and to follow the herd If we are on the other team we follow the herd which dictates what clothing is appropriate for our age, location, and activity....fall out of that range and you are going to receive gawking stares with open mouths everywhere you look.

[Martha G]

I enjoy my feminine side and like to dress and act like a woman.

I make a very passable and attractive woman when dressed.

I dress as a woman not as a man in a dress.

I do it regardless of whether I have earned the right or not!

Does that make me a woman's libber! LOL!

[Emily]

Feeling feminine or masculine is a personal trait.

When I dress fully as Lacey I do it for myself and for my femininity and womanly ideals/beliefs.

I agree, Lacey that how we feel is very much indeed a personal trait. It comes from within - what's in our hearts as much as what's in that grey matter between our ears.

Like you, when I dress as Lexi, whether right or wrong, its my own representation of what I perceive femininity to be - and I love it! BUT... to be quite honest, I feel that personally, there is very little difference in attitude, beliefs, etc... I am the same person when in drab or en femme - the same person, just with a better wardrobe!

Maybe some of us spend to much time trying to analyze this and understand it fully, some of you seem to just enjoy it and not worry too much about the whys. I'm trying to not focus on the whys so much anymore but there are times when those old feelings come back and there is a civil war in my head.

I spent a long, long time trying to understand "why?". Eventually, I just accepted... I still ponder the question form time to time, but it doesn't affect me the way it once used to - I think I've just come to the realization that there is no answer. It is what it is - no sense in denying it. I think that its a natural progression that each of us goes through in our own way. Perhaps there are those of us who will never accept, but I hope that in time, we can each attain self acceptance. Once you can accept your fem side, then you can love and embrace it!

[Estefania]

Some great comments, thank you!

Getting back on the original point for a moment... So, I have this peeve... when cd/tg folks talk about the "double standard" which allowes women to wear men's clothes while they can't wear a dress or a skirt or heels, I go back to "intent". With some exceptions, women wearing men's (or men styled) clothes are NOT attempting to pass themselves as males. While for the most part, those of us who are wearing women's clothes, we are trying to look like females. Some more or less successfully (Because even those CDs who may believe they are 100% passable, well, very likely may not be. But this topic is not really about passing).

Yes, all of you who dress and go out wearing your clothes have all the rights to do so, of course! But those who would like to wear those women's (or women styled) clothes every day and still present as a man, they have a long way to go at earning that right. Some are trying though! Stephanie mentioned how they are still facing ridicule and rejection from a lot of people. Yeah, they do. And it may take a while, but at least on the individual level, there are quite a few out there wearing high heels and makeup and earrings, etc.

Eileen,

I believe that for the most part, you are right. while for some their crossdressing is only about the clothes, (as simple as only panties/lingerie) at some point, dressing fully as a woman does at some point have the effect (or is it the cause?) of unleashing the need to match the actions with the way we are looking. I can't think of most crossdressers starting off by assuming a femme name and practicing a femme voice/mannerisms without having ever dressed up in women's clothes.
Now, I don't believe you intended to make a clean cut between cd/tg based on what they would choose to wear. Because many cds who would go out have learned to dress for the occasion, and there are also many occasions in which tg folks will dress to the nines just because.

Anthony,

Yes, finding an inner balance is really important. For anybody. As a cd, it is hard to find since we are being pulled hard to some of the extremes (Example, those who are really macho men in their every day life may end up going for ultra-feminine dressing or styles). The great news... that balance can be achieved. Other than the obvious external feminine look, if those of us, as men, in our every day life, decide to incorporate into our real and single personality all traits that society call masculine and feminine and become a better and happier human being.

Lexi,

I loved how you said it!!

I am the same person when in drab or en femme - the same person, just with a better wardrobe!

Stephanie,

I believe that knowing why we started dressing is not so important after all these years. I think I know why I started dressing... yet, that doesn't have any relevance as of why I still dress so many years later. Because why I dress today is different from why I dressed as a teenager, etc.

Better send this now, time to go to work. Have a great week you all.

Gaby

[Estefania]

Now that I have a bit more time...

Anne,

I can understand why you want to have a flawless presentation, and I really hope you will be able to achieve it. Just be aware that even somebody with a flawless presentation as a woman may still be read as a cd/tg. And I understand that what you say about not caring about what others may think is not a contradiction with what you said about wanting to look your best to be accepted as a woman... Because you have already set the highest standards for yourself.

But two things... it is different not to care about what other people think, and facing the consequences when you go out and do not care what others may think. That is one reason why going out enfemme is not for everybody. Because we may end up having to deal with the consequences of going out. (This mainly to be applied to CDs who may not be out at work.family, etc. not necessarily to you) The other thing, don't be so hard on your standards that you will negate yourself the chance to go out there and enjoy life and maybe being accepted as a cd/tg.

Lacey,

Totally on point. What is feminine and what is masculine is mostly constructed and defined by social groups in particular and society as a whole. That's why for older folks there may not be something more feminine than girdles and bullet bras while for younger ones a pair of Doc Martens chunky boots may the the thing. What is feminine for you may or may not be exactly the same of what is feminine for me, or for a Chinese crossdresser in the 70s or a French crossdresser in the Revolutionary period (When men wore high heels and wigs and it was a "normal" thing). What is feminine for each one of us comes from our family, our partners, TV, magazines, etc. Do we tend to take it a bit to the extreme? Yeah, we can. But it is only logical... the more "part time" we are, the "deeper feminine-fix" we may need.

Gaby

[Stephanie M]

Stephanie,

I believe that knowing why we started dressing is not so important after all these years. I think I know why I started dressing... yet, that doesn't have any relevance as of why I still dress so many years later. Because why I dress today is different from why I dressed as a teenager, etc.

I know why I started dressing in the first place, it felt good. Simple as that. What I question is why it grew into what it did. There are a lot of things that I've done that I liked but this is much more than that.

[Martha G]

Stephanie,

I know why I started dressing in the first place, it felt good. Simple as that. What I question is why it grew into what it did. There are a lot of things that I've done that I liked but this is much more than that.

Not only does it feel good, but it relieves so much stress.

But also I enjoy being a woman and have been developing my female side quite rapidly.

If I could I would dress and be a woman 24/7.

[Hanna]

Last year I tried on and bought a pair of women's stretch blue jeans. Up-sized them a bit so they wouldn't be skin tight. Except for the smaller pockets they are sooo comfy. Then I washed them and they shrunk.

[Emily]

Sorry to hear that, Hanna.

I find that a lot of women's garments require a gentler touch when washing, and most need to lay flat to dry. When I do my laundry, most of my femme stuff either goes on a rack, or a low heat setting in the dryer - especially stretchy jeans!

[Anne Bonny]

Cotton content....Well inspiration to lose weight!

[Victoria K.]

I dress and wear makeup for one simple reason! To express who i am and feel, and that is being a woman.Everyone should wear what they like to wear! and not hide themselves.

[Eileen (SO)]

I haven't been keeping up like I'd like to on this thread. Some random responses.

Gabi mentioned a pet peeve in that women cross dress all the time. Quite correct in that it's intent, not clothing. I did see a man wearing a skirt once. Khaki colored, with cargo pockets, nothing feminine about it. A skirt none the less, and no less male in appearance.

Of course there is no hard definition between CD and TG. Many CD's find dressing not enough and start a transition, every partner's fear. For the most part, if I may risk a generalization, a CD may have enough femme time and get on the day as a man (even if underdressed). My guy would rather be a man than woman in many of life's trials. A dark parking garage or alleyway, changing a flat tire, or sex.

Washing women's wear takes a bit of training. I now trust my hubby to do ours together. His duds get better care as well, saves water too.

A stress reliever? I hear this many times, there must be some inner female trying to express herself. Most people relieve stress by dressing very casual, not make up, dress and heels. It must be true though. Now that my guy's femme side is part of our relationship, he's a much happier husband.
As she, she dresses and acts her best, even if casual around the house. This is not a fetish as most others assume. A real need to experience life as a woman, even if a short time.

Eileen

[Anne Bonny]

Exactly Eileen... We have been different inside where no one can see it all of our lives...but when we desire to dress outwardly so that it matches this part of who we are on the inside this is where society flips out. Instantly based on our appearance alone it is assumed ..."gay pervert" though sexuality is a completely separate component of all of this from our gender. What I cannot stand is we are judged for who we are inside of our selves, once they know who we are they jump all over us insisting we cannot be who we are...and they discover this when we reveal it in our appearance. Never had any problem with me or who I am or have been all of my life...I am a fine intelligent and nice man....Find this out I am a disgusting gay pervert and completely rejected as the lowest of the low and rejected as slime. It's not right is it? Yet we are expected to keep up appearances because if anyone figures us out we are just done for ...friends, family, employers, society in general.... We are the same people we have always been until suddenly we find all of who we are rejected in disgust. It is not fair but this is the live we are forced to live.

[Eileen (SO)]

That's pretty much how this was explained to me, Anne.
Just rereading Gabi first post, again. Women gained acceptance wearing slacks because they were not trying to portray as men while doing so. Gays and lesbians are dressing in accordance with their sexual orientation, again, not always. Clothing can reflect on how one's sexuality is perceived, though not always. TG's will dress reflecting their gender identity.

CD's are a different lot. Confusing as much to yourselves as us muggles. Dressing to feel like, look like and experience time as a woman while not expressly identifying themselves as sexual females. (I'm purposely mixing up gender and sexuality terms because in this discussion it seems right to do so.)
A CD, while dressed, having a door opened, called Ma'am, using the woman's potty, are all part of life as a woman. Very few would like to be seen as 'men in a dress'. You're not letting your inner girl express herself then.
Public acceptance of CD's will lag behind TG's, even though there are more of you, because TG's are easier to understand. The irony of being accepted as a cross dresser defeats the purpose of the emotional desire to portray as a genetic woman.
So, just as women wearing pants did not change their perceived gender, a CD wearing woman's clothing should strive to be perceived as a genetic woman and accepted as such.

I hope I didn't confuse anyone more than myself.

Eileen

[Anne Bonny]

CD TG yeah, by strict definition they are different. I am not sure exactly where I fit. I have lived as a man mostly all of my life so it is difficult to separate out who I am exactly. Masculine conditioning is ingrained in me forced to meet expectations yet I do perceive a lot of that was correct even while this other part of myself was also there all along it was just not being encouraged, reinforced, conditioned in or expected far from it I was forced to keep this part of myself hidden deep within or I knew I would face humiliating degrading rejection and denial and persuasion that I am just confused. Well, it is confusing. I do not believe I am a transsexual because my awareness of all of this developed in later childhood while I lived a largely normal childhood and on up as a boy and then as a man, while at the same time having to hide this part of who I am. I am not at all sure where this is going now in the last third of my life... cannot see thousands of dollars spent sorting it out, then on to hormones and surgery for thousands more much later in life late 60's, early 70's the clock is ticking and at some point you ask aside from perhaps complete peace being a post op trans to be who I should have perhaps been at an earlier age...what good would there be?
I want a companion once my wife succumbs to the ravages of her disease. Recently my first lady has been corresponding with me via messenger and on facebook, her husband is 10 years older and has been hinting that she has always remembered me with fondness and the possibility she would like to meet again if her husband were to die.
Hum...this does not fit this thread does it? Sorry

Main thing is most likely I am gender expansive/fluid but I suppose it's true I seemed to start out as a cross dresser but then realized there seems to be more to it inside of me...gender...not just a sexual fetish or a bit of a thrill enjoying dress up which would primarily be just another level of a sexual thrill involving things like self esteme, identity issues, shame, humiliation either from past experiences growing up or out of a desire of wanting the woman superior to us...because many men believe they really are not equal to us considering traditional social conditioning which gives women lower status. Today we of course realize we are different but that we are indeed equal and I see my wife, and other women that way, I even feel myself to be partly female myself inside.

Sorry rambling but that is what I do...I do realize this is of absolutely no interest to most except myself perhaps a few others who enjoy thinking about all of this. This does all exist in our mind, it is more mental than sexual.