A Choice Thing

[Karin]

Get your crash hats on people. Karin has been trying to think again hahaha. I've seen and had a few Convos lately where understanding the need to do what we do is the topic of interest. During one of these it was said to me that its a choice I've made, and that's that. It got me thinking quite a bit. It wasn't meant in a mean way, but to the outside I can see how they would think that. Yet for me it doesn't feel any more of a choice than when I need to breath? So, seeing as I was doing some self searching at that time anyway, I began to think...hmm if I CHOOSE to be karin, then maybe I can CHOOSE not to be. It was awful. I dressed down but that was hard cos I don't have any male clothes, I skipped some hrt, and I tried to not be karin. A funny thing is, normally when I look in a mirror I cringe cos I don't like the way I look. Well during this attempt to choose not to be her, whenever I saw her in the mirror she looked nice, and I'd feel bad like I was trying to kill her. Ultimately ended in a pretty profound mirror moment that sounds sooooo ridiculous. Hahaha. Anyway for me, I found I couldn't choose at all. I wondered if anyone else has thought about this, and if it really is a choice. For that matter, do we choose who we love or what foods we like? What's choice these days?

It's dangerous when karin thinks..

[Sarah Ann]

Karin, your post is incredibly poignant. There's nothing ridiculous here at all. I tried to suppress Sarah for a very long time and finally gave up on it. If anyone has read my postings elsewhere on the forums, they'll know that, biologically, I see what we experience as an inborn condition we have no choice over having. While we have some choice over how we express it ("don't scare the horses"), I now feel that no good is served in denial whatsoever. I'm happier as Sarah, when I can be her, I do.

No, food choices are partially inborn due to genetic differences in taste and smell, as well as early influences, and love is a complexity totally beyond conscious control, from where I sit, anyway.

The more that is learned about brain function, and the more I consider the effects of fate and/or chance on one's paths in life, the more I see "free will" as a cruel joke.

[Carol Ann]

Oh not to fear hon as I can never let Carol Ann go, she is me and I am her no questions ask.

I choise this way of life and I am not backing down, but will atmit there are times when Carol has to be put away. so you see you are normal

[Karin]

Oh not to fear hon as I can never let Carol Ann go, she is me and I am her no questions ask.

I choise this way of life and I am not backing down, but will atmit there are times when Carol has to be put away. so you see you are normal

Thats pretty much what i learned in that 'mirror moment' too carol. i slept better that night than i did for weeks before. The next day, i felt calm, and 'accepted'. Maybe 'accepting' is a choice? hmmm, i dont know. It sortve felt like a forced decision if that makes sense, because things are changing soooo rapidly, im on a collision course to declare it at work, and also with my outer family. That pressure has a lot to do with why i was searching myself.

For me, that means im not going back in my box, this is it now. I know who i am and soon everybody else will. I know the people i see daily wont be suprised obviously, Ill lose some friends and make some new ones too for sure, but it completes my journey in doing this.

Yet i still wonder.... did i CHOOSE this ? a kind of logic says yes, but i really feel NO i didnt?

[Anthony Simon]

I began to think...hmm if I CHOOSE to be karin, then maybe I can CHOOSE not to be. It was awful. I dressed down but that was hard cos I don't have any male clothes, I skipped some hrt, and I tried to not be karin. A funny thing is, normally when I look in a mirror I cringe cos I don't like the way I look. Well during this attempt to choose not to be her, whenever I saw her in the mirror she looked nice, and I'd feel bad like I was trying to kill her. Ultimately ended in a pretty profound mirror moment that sounds sooooo ridiculous. Hahaha. Anyway for me, I found I couldn't choose at all.

Sounds like "wrong is right". Like the only time you try not to be Karin, then she looks right. Which might mean any number of things. But whenever I read your stuff, although there's this massive drive pushing you into full TS, there's also this sense that you're wandering around kind of mentally lost .

Perhaps this points a way to getting some sort of map. Like, if you do some tests on yourself, like the above, where you do the opposite of stuff, you might begin to be able to discern some sort of pattern that currently you can't see.

[Emma-A]

given how new I am around here, the following might seem like overstepping the mark, but I like analysing other people. perhaps because it helps distract me from the futile task of analysing myself! Please forgive me if I unintentionally offend you Karin. I have to admit I've lost a few friends this way, because I say what I see, but it's not always what the person wants to hear.

I see you Karin as somebody who is destined for full transition, but keeps just poking around the edges instead. This may just be a preparatory phase and perhaps you need the time just to get ready, so to speak. But I feel up to now you have been distracting yourself from the big question. however this recent development suggests to me you are ready to start thinking seriously about where you want to go next. A crossroads so to speak.

luv,
Em

[Cassandra Lynn]

there's also this sense that you're wandering around kind of mentally lost .

*Giggles

This forum like all online communities are places to explore topics Anthony, kick things around and discuss them.
This is what Karin is doing, my good fellow, just throwing a bone out there.
Trust me on that, i've spent many an hour talking with her and know her well, she knows the path, and also knows the right pace to walk it for herself.

After spending a few yrs all around the net at various forums, i'd be more worried about those who say they have this 'thing' all figured out.
If one isn't having the occasional self analysis of themselves, they must have stagnated completely and are no longer on a journey.

I like the ebb and flow metaphor for me personally, something like the tide for example. 2 yrs ago i was pretty sure i was more towards the other end of the trans spectrum, not quite as far as our dear Karin (luvs ya honey) but certainly past the middlins.

This past several months tho has found me on the near side of the half way mark......fiddy/fiddy land. Call me bi-gender, dual-gender or something of the sort.


And considering i'm who i am, this prolly means by next year i'll be wanting some of those turbogirl pills........

[Davita]

Of course it's a choice... I'd say it's a wrong choice to think you don't have to be your whole self. I chose... I chose my outfits, my shoes, my friends, my better half... I chose lots of things.... I chose to try to fit my whole self into the world I have been creating over the years. I had no choice

[Leeza]

Choices? We all make them or we don't move on.

I have thought about this as it relates to CDing and me. I make the choice as to how I am going to present on any particular day.

From past experience I know how I feel when I have tried to repress Leeza for to long. I have learned that Leeza needs to be a part of me as much as I need her. There have been a lot of times that she was better suited to handle the situation than he was.

If it is a choice then I am glad I made it. Without Leeza I don't think I would be here today.

I know that with Leeza I am more relaxed and have been told that Leeza is more fun to be with than he is.

I guess you could say that if it is a choice , then it was a choice for survival and enjoying life as much as I can.

[Cassandra Lynn]

Oh yeah....the topic was choice wasn't it? ooopsies

The choices i made for so many years (choosing to try to stuff it) just succeeded in my making all the worst choices (at least partially responsible for the self destructive behavoirs and drinking).

Today i choose to accept, and to keep my femme self close by and a large part of me, she is also me, and i her.
I wear as much of her as i can each and everyday and am much much much happier that way.

[Karin]

Oooh. This is some good stuff in here, sawweeeet

There's been some very valid comments about me, and I think everyone is kinda right? A little bit anyway. I'm certainly not offended Emma, and ill try and explain a bit more of my apparent ditherings in my thread a bit later. Maybe I can throw a bit of light on it.

In asking about the choice of all this, Its a similar question to the addiction aspect really.

If I go into a cafe, I can choose either a coffee or a tea. That's choice, pick the one you want consciously and that's that. I don't feel that I CHOOSE to be karin tho, because I don't consciously think...ohh I'm gonna think like this, or feel like that? I don't TRY to fit a mould, or have certain mannerisms. When I speak its with little planning, and shot from the hip as it were. Wooosh it just comes out. Who you see is who I am from the inside out. I did TRY not to be karin and I felt like a fish out of water, but in reverse I can honestly say i I don't try to be anything. Gah this is hard to explain. Ummm.

So yes, cos it doesn't feel like I'm trying to do anything, its hard to feel like I've chosen it?

Davita put it so well, she chose cos she had no choice. Hahaha

[Emma-A]

Well Karin, what you are saying makes perfect sense. I personally am not much of a believer in free will. The choices we make in everyday life (the mundane things such as choosing tea or coffee) give the illusion that we are in control of our lives. However the reality in my experience is that we have little or no control over the general direction that our lives take.

We may try to deviate from our 'destiny' as it were, but usually doing so comes at a cost, or something nudges us back on to the pre-determined path. For some that path may 'feel right', for others it may feel like eternal damnation. Obviously, I can't explain why its like this, nor can I even attempt to without initiating a huge religious or spiritual debate. It's just how I feel my life has been.

Unfortunately in this case Karin I don't have much to offer in the way of practical advice, other than don't worry and do what feels right to you.

[Anne Bonny]

No it's NOT a choice. I am 55, have struggled with this since age 9. I have been able to go for varying periods of time but then I see something that sends a yearning thrill in my heart wishing to be, to feel, or to wear something feminine. It may be an addiction as there are such things as sexual addictions, but does anyone really believe child molesters can be healed of that desire, or that a criminal mind can be cured? Sexual addictions are amongst the hardest things to overcome if at all. If it has to do with the genetic structure of our brain and we are truly born this way then a trigger flips a switch that we are then not able to un-flip who knows. We are I suppose. Just accept it. Anne

[Ginny Jones]

Ummm - a head scratcher this one! I guess I experience Ginny as who I am. I have always been like this... Where the choice comes in, is that there have been times when I have chosen to ignore this fact. I can remember feeling a real sense of relief at getting married - "I'm cured!" Yeah right! Actually, when I think about it - my concerns about being who I am are more about how others perceive me (or how I imagine they perceive me).

Left to my own devices - I have no qualms about dressing. Nowadays I tend to err on the side of trying to celebrate who I am. That can be kinda scary sometimes because I am putting myself in new situations as Ginny. But as they say - no pain, no gain - and I feel like I am gaining in spades!

Hugs Ginny xxx

[Marissa Mae]

Hi Karin,

I am a fan of your posts and it's a pleasure to finally say Hi.

I'm Marissa Mae at heart regardless. That is to say, my Me is feminine no matter what my outside looks like. So, dressing or not, that doesn't change.

But I know what you mean, because being prevented from dressing—or preventing myself from dressing because it would be a problem—makes me feel all dried up and withered, and not myself at all. I don't have to dress all the time, but I certainly do need to dress most of the time, or I don't feel right.

Important distinction, though: not dressing doesn't make me feel any less Marissa Mae. My feminine identity is always there regardless. I kinda think you might agree — you're Karin no matter what you happen to be wearing. And now, with your change well under way, I guess you must know it, huh? You sound like you do.

Yes, I know, your question is now ~3 years old, and you're way past that bump in the road. But maybe this answer will help someone. Anyway, I couldn't resist the chance to send a hug, so

You go, girl ('coz you are).

Love, Marissa Mae