I think that I finally get this.

General talk about CD/TGing and gender topics that aren't necessarily fun things we do while en femme, or for gender-driven discussions.

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Anne Bonny
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I think that I finally get this.

Post by Anne Bonny »

It is very much that I enjoy being a girl! When I am feminine after dressing and beautifying...I enjoy living and being a woman. I may not enjoy all the same things...needlepoint...babies...sewing...BUT! I am a cross role'er or cross-live'er and as such I enjoy or would enjoy being thought of included in and being treated in the exact same way as any woman. I think of myself as a "woman" I enjoy being and want others to refer to me, to think of me, react to me, treat me, expect me to be a "woman." Perhaps that is what all my soul searching has been about? So I get it - and especially here I expect to be thought of and considered that way because when I am here I am usually in female mode. At this time I am fully dressed and feel very fulfilled and content. I am happy! This dress is great! so comfortable the A'Kai black knit I also have it in a royal blue a dress that fits cannot be compared it excels the comfort of all male clothing!!!

Another thing is I move freely between feeling masculine or more feminine independent of what I am wearing but naturally I prefer female clothing when I am feeling female and if I am able to I do but it is not always possible for me because my sons want me to be Dad, my wife's sitter does not mind, when my wife was healthy she would let me but would have preferred I did not - it was never complete and free acceptance or understanding sadly. I am wondering if I will have to look for a bisexual woman to enjoy not only
complete acceptance but to have a woman who can actually like it, desire and perhaps even prefer me to be in female mode alot of the time 50%? I am heterosexual after all and the psychologist suggested I might consider women who are bisexual - I do not know but he may be right if I am to find what I am looking for.

Guess I am kind of enthused on this topic today...

I suppose I am never going to feel internally - "I'm not doing that!" Because I feel it's a woman's role, or that something is beneath me, or that I cannot do it because I cannot take direction from a woman. I worked for female superiors for 20 years when I was actively working as a nurse. But I do think because I feel like a woman I don't see any of this as beneath me, taking direction, or doing any task. I do not mind traditional tasks people used to think of as "woman's" work. I could ride on the back seat of a motorcycle hanging on to my girl, or sitting in the passenger seat. No, I don't mind and why should I feeling female inside? Perhaps it does substantiate or verify my gender as being somewhat feminine? Now send me out into the garden or ask me to make a dress or knit none of those things are in me. I prefer sailing, running, mowing the lawn to gardening, driving my sports car to dancing...My basic interests and inclinations are all still masculine pretty much, and male - I have made guns from a gun kit and enjoyed it - have never fired them they are black powder antique replicas a Queen Anne flint lock and a Colt Navy revolver - they were interesting, still are to look at. But tasks requiring me to sit hours on end doing very minute work of any kind and you have lost me after a very short time...perhaps men are adhd? But I suppose I am a blend inside. Babies, parenting, needlework - just not for me. But finding something pretty to wear and I am there!
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DonnaT
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Re: I think that I finally get this.

Post by DonnaT »

Good to hear you've figured yourself out.
DonnaT
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Anne Bonny
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Re: I think that I finally get this.

Post by Anne Bonny »

Thanks Donna. I really think that I have finally. No more agonizing, trying to stop, or hand wringing. I am back on track...I may stay dressed even if my older son comes. I already know how my younger son (18) (he will be at work until about 9pm) feels - said he does not want to see me dressed, nails are alright wants me to be his dad. I want to see if my older son (21) minds if I am dressed. If so well I will just have to be dad for him to, not that clothing changes that fact but I suppose if it makes them uncomfortable I will just tell him if he's bringing friends over let me know before coming home. Think I will tell my younger son that too. After all I should have the freedom to be myself in my own home! Don't remember if you said it but the only way to relax and to be comfortable dressing around people is to just do it.

5:50 My older son drove up on his motorbike came in and there I was in my black A'KAI knit dress, ballet flats forms in small gold hoop clip ons, lipstick...He has no problem with it and will let me know when friends are coming or if he is coming home with friends. I told him if his friends knew and even one of them posted it on the internet it would spread like wildfire and I am not comfortable with everyone in town knowing...at least not yet. So after a life time I am free to be who I am at home!! yea!!!!
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Diana Michelle
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Re: I think that I finally get this.

Post by Diana Michelle »

Anne, I am so happy you are finally starting to come to grips with all of this.! :) I think you are finally starting to accept yourself as you are and hopefully letting loose of all those stereotypes in your mind. Accept that which you have and work to change that which you desire to change. I am sure your wife's, and I am assuming their mother, condition has an effect on your sons. Perhaps with time your younger son will come to understand that whether in a dress or male drab you are still his father. If he does great, if not still embrace him for he is your son. :)

A long time my grandfather told me there are fights worth having and fights not worth having. Right now there is enough stress in your family so your younger son's lack of tolerance is a fight not worth having! Maybe someday circumstances will change and things will be different but for now accept the victories you have won.
Remember Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did only she did it backwards and in high heels!

The words of the prophets are written on the subway walls and tenement halls and whispered in the sounds of silence. Paul Simon
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Anne Bonny
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Re: I think that I finally get this.

Post by Anne Bonny »

Thank you, my sons have held up remarkably well, think I will consider my younger son's reluctance to actually needing his father as a father, I am the only functioning parent, he is 18 I do not hold it against him. A father like myself is still very unusual and I think he wants some semblance of the norm? It's ok.
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Kelly
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Re: I think that I finally get this.

Post by Kelly »

Anne,

You will always be Anne here. Your pronouns are she and her.

The anxiety in some of your previous posts have been heart renching to read. But, I am happy and glad that you had the outlet.

Glad to hear that you get this. Happy you are at a point of closure. There will be an occasional backslide - surely; but that's ok.

Keep typing.

Kelly.
I thought a CD was something you stuck in a computer
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Anne Bonny
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Joined: Sat May 09, 2009 9:22 am
Location: The Gulf Coast

Re: I think that I finally get this.

Post by Anne Bonny »

Thanks. I am who I am it takes so long to gain - to give ourselves the freedom to come out into the open. I have not gone public. Told my sons not to share this with their friends because it would spread across the internet like wildfire and I am not yet comfortable with everyone in town potentially having access to this part of who I am. And though the NSA and Google have all of this permanently, I am not sure I am ready for the world. I am free to dress feminine, to groom feminine, to be feminine. For the first time in months yesterday I worked on my fingernails shaped, buffed etc and put on clear topcoat so they are quite shiny but still not so obvious. It has always been for some reason more difficult to disclose my feminine side to males feeling that women would be more understanding. I think that may be somewhat of a myth but women do tend to be a little more open and free. Disclosing this to my sons is not the same as disclosing this to a man who is not related to me. But now that I know that I can be this part of myself at least in the presence of my older son who still lives at home I will. That ice must be broken, crushed, melted completely.

A whole lifetime...or it has taken nearly a whole lifetime for me to find this freedom to be out in the open even in my own home. This morning I am fully enfemm as the old terminology goes. I dyed my hair on Monday because I now must add color to keep my medium brown hair and to cover the grey, I have my wig on (no grey ruins the effect now at the edges of the cap), mascara, lipstick, used some light mascara to bring out my rather sparse and light eyebrows. Bra inserts, lavender deodorant, panties, my rather conservative brown ballerina flats, my brown patterned skirt with the liner, similar to paisley but a tan leaf pattern, my dark brown knit top with a scoop neckline that has two buttons up front. Large hoop ear rings 1.25" diameter, my gold necklace with the anchor on it really a male piece but then I am not female physically, lady's watch and a gold bracelet on the other arm. Without giving a picture... A little hot here in August to wear pantie hose which would cover some scarring on my legs just come with a lifetime of yard work, and some pokes here and there over 57 years. Still I will be changing before my youngest comes home so I can do my 2.5 mile daily run and my weight lifting which is due today but I find it helps me to do this later in the day because it really helps keep me from snacking. I am 4 pounds over my 172 BMI (I am not overweight at this weight). So...a new level of freedom. yeah, it's great! Thanks Kelly.

The weight lifting is just to keep my muscles toned so that I can maintain the same body I have always had, it has banished back pain, restored my right rotater cuff (I had a nearly complete blow out a couple years back pulling my fat butt back onto the dock) to full strength, and range of motion. We can take a different path but after 50 fitness is no longer an option it is mandatory to remain healthy and active so that we can enjoy an very high quality of life the rest of our lives. Hence I weigh daily, track my calories, drink my 4 16oz glasses of water, take my vitamins, run 2.5 miles daily, and do my 45 push ups, 83 sit ups, work my hands and arms using bands, then on to modest weights dumb bells, barbell (just 70 pounds), weight bench to work my legs there too. I am at a fitness level I have not seen since I was in my 30's and I feel great. I do not smoke and only drink socially on occasion no fried foods - low fat high quality protein...Well I am into health. All you have to do is look up fitafterfifty.com or look up fit after 50 on youtube to see marathon runners who are over 100 years old, active seniors who are in their mid 90's, 80 year old body builders who retain the same vigor and vitality they had in their 30's, 73 year old cross fitters....I have chosen to take another path. I do not plan to decline and slide downward into the abyss in 20 years. I am taking positive action, no there is no fountain of youth, we cannot turn back the clock on our outer appearance but internally - well a muscle sample taken from that 94 year old lady had no difference with muscle tissue taken from a 30 year old, and I bet her vascular system and lung capacity were as clear and full as someone 20-30 years younger. Mentally and physically these people have aged very little from where they were in their 50's! Ok....off my soapbox.
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