crossdessing ups and down

General talk about CD/TGing and gender topics that aren't necessarily fun things we do while en femme, or for gender-driven discussions.

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Pam T.
Miss Silver Goddess
Posts: 49
Joined: Sun Sep 20, 2015 8:36 pm

Re: crossdessing ups and down

Post by Pam T. »

I love when I am dressed up and never want it to end, then when it does end I get depressed that I have to go back living as a man and I just get depressed the entire time until I slip back on some panties and a dress and my bra and I just feel like I am back to normal which is great.
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Lacey Hadley
Miss Emerald Goddess
Posts: 219
Joined: Mon Oct 27, 2003 4:24 am
Location: Greater Vancouver, Canada

Re: crossdessing ups and down

Post by Lacey Hadley »

When I dress up fully enfemme as Lacey, adding my makeup and hair (wig) I feel totally at peace with myself. The lowest amount of internal stress is when I dress up as Lacey. No other aspect of my life as a male come close to the feeling of pure peace of mind and joy I receive when dressed as Lacey.

Yes, in my endrab mode as a guy I at times am bothered by my CDing. It's not a guilt per se, but a questioning of why I do it? Why do I feel a need to crossdress and especially when I do myself up with hair and make up? The male in me is bothered. As a male I often think if I did not feel the need to crossdress my life would be very different, oh I guess more normal. My male side has often questioned my masculinity because of my CDing. I will fret over my CDing and at times wish it was not apart of my life. BUT! But when I do dress up and especially when sit down in my lingerie before a mirror with my make up kit at the ready, each step of the transformation into being Lacey is almost intoxicating. I see each step of the make up process bit by bit turn my male look into that of a girl. My mind goes all 'bubbly'. I try very hard to nail my make up down pat and then to make sure the clothes I put on match my makeup choice as well as to how I feel enfemme at the time... Ahh yes, the clothes, thinking of what I want to wear even before I do my makeup is totally foreign to the guy in me. But to my feminine side as Lacey, it's all a part of the experience. I know why girls do this, why women think about the clothing they plan to wear for what they will be doing. It's such a charged and girly thing for me. I LOVE IT! Nothing like that feeling of putting together a feminine outfit comes as a male. As a male I dress well enough and never look like a slob, but it's not the same.

Soon as I'm in a nice outfit, almost always a skirt and blouse or a dress, after all if I'm going to dress as a girl I will not often want to wear pants unless I feel more casual and then I still top off my pants look with a feminine top. Of course besides the makeup and hair it's going to finish with THE HEELS!!! YUMMY HIGH HEELS, BOOTS OR SHOES!!! To me finishing off my Lacey look and dress is stepping into one of my many pairs of high heel shoes or boots. I have so many pairs of heels, probably as much or more than many GG women do. But as such I know why girls love to shop and buy shoes especially dressy ones and often high heels. Anyways when I'm done and I step in front of a mirror like most girls do I am taken away to another place in my mind, body and soul.

As a guy I keep my male side separate from my femme side as best I can, of course Lacey slips into my mind even as a guy at times. It's usually when I'm watching t.v and see attractive women. I see them as any guy does but also as a girl does. I look at their hair, their makeup, their shoes or boots and their clothes. The girl in me often wishes to wear said clothes or try to learn make up ideas from such. The guy in me looks at them in all the hot ways a typical guy would. My mind goes crazy at times as both sides of me battle for thoughts. Same goes when out and about in real life seeing well dressed and good looking ladies. The guy in me looks at them (though I'm not a cat calling type of guy, just respectful in how I look and act around them, I think Lacey helps me in that way) like most guys do, the girl in me studies each lady I see out and about to learn ways of being girly and more about clothes, shoes, hair and make up.

This duality inside my persona has been very hard and tough at times. Really hard on me. I like many other CDers have fought it and tried to stop crossdressing. I've tried many times to MAN UP so to speak and move on from CDing. Distractions have helped but never for long. The crossdressing and especially as Lacey ALWAYS COME BACK! Thankfully I have never purged my shoes and clothes out of guilt. TOOOO MUCH MONEY SPENT BY ME!!! :teddybear: I know enough to not ditch such clothes, shoes, boots, wigs and makeup out of such feelings of guilt or confusion. I LOVE MY FEMININE CLOTHES, SHOES, BOOTS, WIGS and MAKEUP to ever toss them all out. If I ever did I'd soon cry my tears dry and just spend more money rebuying all my stuff again. I suggest no other CDers fall trap to purging. IT'S NOT THE ANSWER!

I know this now as time passes by, if I fought to resist my femme/CDing side at minimum I'd be a miserable person, UTTERLY MISERABLE! Few if any others would want to be around me and my life as such. I also know at worse I'd probably have ended my life out of complete misery and confusion from punishing my feminine side out of not crossdressing. So I refuse to go down said dark path. Lacey and my crossdressing is apart of me. Fighting it and her will not work. Sure my life would be different today as a 'normal' as in non-CDing guy if I did not crossdress BUT I DO! I CROSSDRESS! Good, bad or indifferent, CDing is apart of me and Lacey when totally enfemme is the culmination of my CDing. She and it is my cross to bear so to speak.

When I was a youngster (teenager) I felt that I'd grow out of CDing. Life as an adult would have CDing pass me by. But years of UPS AND DOWNS, CONFUSION AND ANGER has only brought me to this point. Crossdressing and especially fully enfemme as Lacey IS NOT GOING AWAY! It can be hard at times as a male to accept that, but that I must accept and I enjoy it and her. It does get tough at times along with the feeling of guilt as well. CDing with its pros and cons will be a journey for all the rest of the days that I shall be blessed with having.

Thanks for staying with me and my long post here. :coffee: have a coffee for me. :teddybear: and a girly/cding hug for you all.
The smallest minority on earth is the individual. Those who deny individual rights cannot claim to be defenders of minorities. Ayn Rand
Belinda
Miss Emerald Goddess
Posts: 138
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 12:45 pm

Re: crossdessing ups and down

Post by Belinda »

I finally got over the guilt just over four years ago when my wife came home unexpectedly and so me fully dressed as Belinda complete with blouse, skirt tights and low heel court shoes. I was shaking from head to foot thinking she would have freaked out to catch me this way but it wasn't a complete shock as I came out to her seven years before. In the years that followed that confession she quietly brushed the situation under the carpet probably hoping my interest in dressing as a girl would have faded. After she caught me although she told me to return to male mode she listened and understood my need to dress up even though she fully still didn't understand it. The main thing is it has not harmed our marriage. Because of this I have never had much of a desire to purge again and haven't done so. I crossdress more now then ever before as my wife is away at weekends taking care of her elderly mother. My cd'ing sessions can last all day some times well into the early hours of the morning. When I put the clothes back in the closet and my tights safely in the drawers I feel no guilt at all, just exhilarated and happy from spending time as the Woman I have always wanted to be.
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