Coming out to a few friends/family

[RylieM]

As of last night and this morning I finally after 34 years came out as transgender to my brother, his fiance, my sister, and a close friend of mine with permision for her to tell her daughters. It was hard to start but soooo much easier with each and what shocked me the most was my brother, sister and friend all suspected at least a little. My brother knows what kinda of books I read and has seen what I watch on netflix, my sister has suspected it for years especially after I told her I shaved my arms legs and chest I had told her it was cause I was bored but ofc that was a lie was the same deal for my friend. The reason I gave her permission to tell her daughters was because one of them is a makeup artist who better to teach me when I'm ready.

So now there's a lot more who know it started with my therapist and 3 friends in a online game but soon my mother will be told they all have strict instructions not to breathe a word to her or my dad yet. Ive also been going out alot with my forms on for the past 2 weeks but that stops when I no longer can wear a jacket at least untill I do decide that its time for Steven to die and Rylie to live (my current and future name) every day it gets harder and harder for me to even consider trying to live this lie anymore some days if I had hormone withing arms reach i feel like Id chug the whole bottle and other days I'm still not sure if I want to transition but that part of me is quieting down a lot especially after getting support and encouragement from so many close family/friends.

My sis is the best shes already told me she wants to go to a support group with me and shes got some clothes for me to try there to big for her. And shes gonna connect me with her ex who transitioned a few years ago and now lives full time as a woman. I predict within 1 month im stepping out of my house fully dressed wig, makeup everything but I'm holding off hormones till sometime around october because my brother gets married then and I made a promise to both of them I do not want to become a spectacle at it I am in the wedding party and I will be wearing a suit It will be my last time and i don't want the changes to show just then. Would be nice to atleast start spyro though on my birthday june 4th I will have to see what my pcp/therapist say. Back to playing with my new epilator god this this stings but ateast ill be hair free in a few more hours.

[Davita]

congrats, Rylie!

Life gets easier from here on.

[Michelle Diane]

Congratulation Rylie I'm so pleased for you.

To echo what Davita has already said life does in fact get easier from here on in and it's wonderful.

[RylieM]

Thank you I am finding it easier and easier to tell folks as i go took me a good 10 minutes after i dragged my brother inside but when I got to my sister it took only a minute or 2. Plus I was just on the phone arranging a full physical and transportation for it and I immediately mentioned i'm transgender to both people as part as a explanation for why i'm pushing so hard for this stuff. My therapist did tell me today that shes worked with a few transgender folks and they didn't need a letter at all but If I do she will write one without hesitation. So next step is get bloodwork done next week physical on the 14th with speaking with my primary about this.

[RylieM]

Just told my mother it went wellish shes begging me to hold off everything remotely visible for at least another year and not to tell my father or any of her family at all. Personally I feel like I gotta do this if I don't I will go back to the old me start drinking soda cancel my dr appointment continue to smoke and stop working out she may not like it but I dont think im changing my plans at all I want to start hormones a month ago but targeting the 4th of june my 35th. I have her support, my brothers, sisters, future sister in law, and a freinds thats all I need if my father and her family choose to ignore me well then I guess that's what happens. Altho i'm gonna think about it harder and speak with my therapist a bit more i'm kinda torn I still want to start hormones and go full time sometime next year but what she said kinda makes sense one of the things shes fearful of is my father coming after me physically. I'm not a violent person but I will defend myself and if he tried Id have no qualms about putting him in the hospital or worse in the case of me defending my own life I don't care who it is.

[Davita]

Family or no, Rylie, if Dad comes after you because of who you are, then that is a hate crime. You don't have to beat him up, let the police do it.

Wanna know what the police will do before anything happens? Call them up and ask. Voice your concerns now and there very well might be a record for you to use later if need be.

[RylieM]

Im aware but if he does I will defend myself I would put him down then call the police let him rot for 5-10 years or however long it is the only reason we've never fought before was because of my mother. Frankly i'm sick of living for them if it was for my mother and her parents I would of offed myself a long time ago. Some of my family calls me selfish because I dont work I cant hold a job ive been fired from almost every job i've ever had but guess what when they need a lawn mowed or a toilet replaced or they want to change a light fixture guess who shows up. I do get money from them but I never want much 10-20 at most even with my moms older/disabled clients (shes a pca) they need a job done I do it and sometimes I refuse all payment. Ive actually been crying over this for a few hours and felt at least a little like ending it but I just cant do that to my mother so I wont.

I think I will take your advice i'm sure the worcester police have some sort of non emergency line I can call and speak directly with a officer or since this is a huge city odds are ill find one just hanging out I see em all the time. I know I need to find someone who has gone though this crap before and try to become friends with em my sister and I are supposed to attend a support group sometime soon but doesn't help me right now.

Just to be clear I don't have any immediate plans to hurt myself at all just thoughts I thought i got rid of a few years ago have creeped back in i'm not a danger to myself or others Ill feel better probably after I work out a bit later exercise has always been a great way for me to calm down.

[Anthony Simon]

You do have a lot of issues, Rylie. I assume you've mentioned the suicide stuff to your therapist but, if not, do. Get your backstop in place so that, if you're in difficulty, you know what to do.

[RylieM]

I have i've only been seeing her for a month now but she at least knows what im going though now and what i went though as a child roughly. I plan on bringing this incident up this wednesday but still plan on hitting my target goal of hrt on june 4th my 35th bday I dont want to wait any longer i've been waiting for 34 years already granted in 10-20 years there's a chance society will be way more open to trans folks but i'm ready now.

[Paulette]

Keep in mind that almost all of the HRT is reversible or can be suspended. The surgery, not really.

It's not that anyone doubts your commitment or certainty, but please be sure by trying out that life, first. There's a reason most trans people are asked to try ans live the life as the sex they believe they truly are for at least a year before surgery. There's a reason many don't do top or bottom surgery, but just HRT. And it's not simply the expense.

You've had thirty-five years with your current genitals. You may wish they were different, but they're the only ones you've got. They will work just as well with HRT. If, after living as a woman, and after a good trial with HRT you still feel something is missing, then fine. But try the least invasive and most easily changeable changes first.

[RylieM]

I fully plan on trying things out I have a goal of full time 1 year after hrt start that doesn't mean I wont go out sooner. I'M purposely taking a longer road then i could just so I can be as certain this is the what I want to do. I would be somewhat happy if we had a similar system to many countries in that its takes months to years to start hrt where I live I could just drive for a hr and a half ea way and as long as I had a clear physical I could start but I started with a gender therapist and its only because we seem to be in agreeance with me that i'm looking into starting hrt. I will live full time for a few months before deciding 100% on any procedures since there permanent after all I cant say ive been entirely unhappy about being a guy however I can say for as long as I can remember i've only wanted to be a woman. I would of started this yeas ago if I had known how to, if I could of gotten away from my father sooner, and if I had been aware mass health pays for this + how easy it is to do some of the other stuff ie; voice yourself. I allways have said If I hit on the lottery I would move away from my folks and transition in secrecy with help from a small army basicly what Caitlyn Jenner did but I thought of it way before she started to pretty much since I was 18 and started playing the lotto.

Heck if I could comfortably go full time right now I would but all i own for clothing is 2 bras, 3 panties a set of forms for makeup I have 2 different color nail polishes and some lip gloss there no wigs, tops, skirts, dresses, shoes, slacks, and nothing to hide my package. Before anyone says I could just tape I assure you I cannot I'm way to big i've tried a few tucking methods and nothing helped it was way to painful or just didn't smooth me out enough I need a few gaffs or I need to make some. Not to brag but the few ladies i've been with have been a bit scared of me lol.