The Official: How To Get Understanding/Acceptance From An SO

[Ashleykal]

Linda & Eileen
To return to the original point of my post, you are probably best suited to help with advice and thoughts. At the time I revealed to my wife I cross dressed, firstly it was as a response to getting caught, not an act of honesty. Secondly, our relationship was not good at the time, no arguing but no real relationship. We have twins at got used to ignoring our relationship and letting it wither. I was also a bit depressed and withdrawn. All in all a bad time to drop a bomb shell! After a couple of year work with a therapist, our relationship is back to near where it should be and we are getting on very well although my wife says she no longer feels any thing for me, that is only when she is upset and most of the time her body language and the way she talks to me says otherwise. I Think she is protecting her self from more hurt as I caused her a great deal of pain and a strong sence of betrayal.
She is now going to speak to a councilor on her own to understand her own self and role in this drama. That is for the good, but can I do more to help build her trust and acceptance of me for who I am? We are not religious, so her strong feeling of disgust is not based in this. I wonder if it feels like an inditement of her as a woman or like I am having an affair, only with myself or something like that.
I would say to those who have not come out to there SO as yet, it is best to do so. It is very painful and draining, but we are still together and working through things.
Ashley

[Linda LaTouche (SO)]

Ashleykal

I do commend you on trying to make your relationship better. As far as what to do, how do I explain what your wife feels? Let me try this... I love my hubby very much, but I felt like I was smacked in the face with a very heavy door. The man I feel in love with, traveled with, talked on the phone til early mornings, commuted to visit a week at a time (we lived in 2 different cities before we married) had kept this deep down secret from me and after all the conversations on all sorts( you name it we talked about it), the hairy chest was gone as was the facial hair, the hair was grown very long so was the fingernails, basically my world was turned every way but up right so I imagine this is what your wife feels (just the tip of the iceberg), its good that shes going to "talk" with someone on her own, she has lots n lots to process. My best advise is just give her time, encourage conversation, continue to do this together, ask her for help with your femme personal a little at a time(baby steps) remember shes kinda sorta "grieving" a loss, what would be the worse thing she could have ever done to you that would devastate you? Affair, with your best friend for years? and still it wouldn't compare.

I could go on, but I do hope you follow what I have tried to explain I'll leave you with this "men are hunters, women are nurturers"

I would gladly talk with your SO anytime and answer any questions for either of you.

Hugzz

Linda La

[Ashleykal]

Linda
Thank you so much for your comments. I hope that now my wife is going to have someone to talk to that she may slowly accept me. Equally she may not! Early on, when she first found out, she would get angry and depressed and verbally lash out at me when ever we discussed cross dressing. Things have improved hugely since then so we can have a normal conversation on the topic. The news hurt her so much that I don't want to inflict that on her again, but her attitude currently is stopping me from being as open as I would like. She still gets depressed and negative if she finds out I have cross dressed, and thinks I should "just stop". If I could I would but I am unable to and I am not sure if I will ever. Certainly most of the post indicate there is no going back. Anyway, I do still cross dress when I can and usually my wife finds out. But she is unaware of the extent to which I dress on those occasions and the size of my stash of clothes. She is also unaware that I will routinely go out dressed on these times. My dilemma is that I am sure if she finds out the full truth of my current cross dressing activities that this would be the final straw. At the same time I can't stop myself and I fear telling all, despite her saying it is the deciept she hates most.
Ashley

[Linda LaTouche (SO)]

At the same time I can't stop myself and I fear telling all, despite her saying it is the deciept she hates most.

Ashleykal, hopefully the person she is/will be talking with will point all of this out to her and yes it is the deceipt(al the yrs of you being one person when in reality you where two and you kept it a "secret") thats the hard thing to overcome. I can't give you words to help you explain your CDing to your wife, its like an addiction but its not, its a need but its not, it just is period.
Ask the person you talk with how to approach talking with your wife about the CDing more indepth, because if and when she finds out the degree of dressing you are doing it will be very tough on your relationship and you may have to start all over again(again you are keeping secrets so as not to hurt her or make her more depressed and negative).
One huge thing is she may believe she has failed as a woman and as long as you have this "desire" she is a failure. Again I am talking as a woman who has a hubby that dresses n how I feel at times and I accept what he is doing.

I do hope all the talking will help and it should, but the secrets have to go IMHO

Hugzz
Linda La

[Eileen (SO)]

As we get to page 3 on this topic, thank you, Ashley, for bring us back on the real topic.

Like your wife, I found out accidentally and was devastated to say the least. Who was this man I've shared my life with? Both hubby and I had thought that cross dressing was done by gay stage performers and perverts. His life long shame and guilt kept him from being honest up front. Like most of you here, he thought he was the only straight guy dressing up and it was temporary. In that respect, not being totally honest can be forgiven.

I don't want to rehash our entire evolution to where we are now. Ashley, from my experiences, your wife may now feel that as a woman and wife, she was never good enough. A CD husband challenges his wife's femininity and sexuality. After finding out, we don't know how far this will go, and neither do you. Given free rein to explore the extent of your long suppressed femininity, what then? You've already been lying from the git go.

As a side note, why I'm on this forum anyway. I can't discuss my feelings about a CD husband other than a forum. No friends or family know. In this hard to understand subject, I'm shut off from my closest confidants. Here and elsewhere, I've read about a CD'er with an accepting wife, until she found out he was dating and having sex with men. Another CD'er went full time and started HRT. These examples and others do not help a fragile trust.

It is good that your wife is seeing someone separately. She can open up honestly without you there. Also, she doesn't need to be outnumbered and feel being indoctrinated against her will in accepting Ashley. That the two of you were drifting apart before this revelation should be addressed first. After the kids moved away, myself and husband did the same. He had more free time and still was in the closet. He became moody and I just cruised along with no effort on my part to rekindle life as empty nesters.

Assuming your partner will always be there makes for a distant relationship. Both men and woman need to hear that their spouse loves them sincerely on a frequent basis. Work on that.

What is off putting is being admonished by others that I have to be accepting because, after all, cross dressing does less harm than other vises. Any behavior that is compulsive is cause for concern. Don't pretend this is normal activity. There are a lot more CD's than I could have imagined, but the community is still a small minority. Extreme caution when in public will help bring peace of mind to a struggling spouse. Remember, we didn't ask for this.

I've gone on long enough now. Extremely long posts become tedious and boring to read.

Good luck, Ashley.

Eileen

[Samantha]

Eileen, your post is full of great wisdom and insight. Thank you, as it is also helpful to me making me reflect on some things about my life and relationships.

Samantha

[Emily]

Just my two cents on this, but I don't believe that an SO/wife/girlfriend is required to stay in a relationship with a crossdresser. If she does, then that is absolutely fantastic! And for those do, well, I can't really express how unbelievably lucky that guy is to have an accepting partner. Each situation is different. Each couple will have their own rules - some may embrace it, others may not be able to cope and might present some type of ultimatum. I'm sure that most people are aware of and (to a certain degree) accepting of alternate types of lifestyles. But when it hits so close to home, they find it difficult to cope.

Which begs the question, what if the roles were reversed? What if our SO/wives/girlfriends suddenly said that they wanted to dress up as a man - suit and tie, stick on beard and mustache...??? What if they wanted to trade in all their feminine clothing for bland, boring male attire? I think to some degree, MTF crossdressers expect a certain level understanding or acceptance, but would we be as accepting or understanding? To be completely honest, I know for a fact that I wouldn't like it. I hope that I would try to understand, and try to cope as best as I could. I don't think I would leave, but I can't deny that there'd be at least a hint of hypocrisy at play here...

[Ashleykal]

Thanks Linda & Eileen in particular for the responses, and to everyone who has contributed. Hearing from other SO of the impact of finding your husband is a cross dresser is really helpful. Lexi is correct, my wife does not have to stay with me, if she finds my cross dressing something she can not tolerate then so be it. I would rather remain with my wife whom I love, I would rather be with her in a normal relationship and not be a cross dresser. Despite working hard to restore our relationship, which is now largely repaired, I still find I need to cross dress. This is despite knowing the impact on my wife and the fact I want to stay with her. Hopefully we will reach an understanding, the fact we are still together gives me hope.
Ashley

[Samantha]

WOMEN!!!!! They want men to be more sensitive, intuned with their feminine side, being more emotional, softer, and understanding! Can't ever please them? Or, maybe we've gone too far?! Oh Bother! Excuse me I need to really my mascara because the tears have caused my eyes to run! Sorry if this is too flipant, but it seems our feelings are gripped in a vise slowly squeezing anything we really think we are. Just sayin...

Samantha

[Eileen (SO)]

Samantha, you're making fun now. There's a lot of truth in what you and Lexi have just posted though.

FTM is much more rare. Hubby met Chaz Bono once. When someone figures out why men cross dress, then they can work on the other varieties.

This is my just opinion and totally sexist. Women want a man that can be a good provider, lover and father. Being sensitive in a manly way is not the same as a sensitive woman. He gets all pretty and femme like, but when life goes haywire and crap hits the fan, I need a rock to lean on and make the tough decisions.

Any good relationship is worth the effort to continue on. After understanding that cross dressing is not a choice, the frequency is though, I chose to learn more about it and embrace my part time girlfriend. He's done this all his life and will continue to do so with or without me. I'd rather have her part of our life than live alone without him.

Eileen

[Samantha]

Eileen, my prattle comes from years of being around marriages, even counseling marriages. Humanity is selfish even trying to not be selfish especially in a marriage. The one flesh relationship has so many conditions, trying to be open and selflessly in love, which is an abstract emotion depending on compliance. Example: I want love in a relationship, I want the person to love me and respect me as equal, but if that SO screws up and hurts me..., well they better do as "I" feel like what love is. That supposedly unconditional love becomes that, conditional. With our culture, and mindset of partnership is especially with the man is set up to fail always walking on glass. Barbie Ken mindsets are tough on a guy. As referred to in my post above men are being conflicted with a being a "rock", but still having a semblance of a femme emotional side. I don't know if this makes any sense, but I do Eileen respect you, and your in my opinion, and your amazing acceptance of your hubby!!!!! Plus, his love and acceptance towards you to be your rock! Be blessed, Samantha

[Eileen (SO)]

Samantha, CD guys have more emotional conflict than the average man. Thinking as a women does not come naturally. I've seen at meetings, CD's that still act like guys, I felt embarrassed for them.

To Ashley and all the gals here with spouses struggling to, or refusing to understand.
Maybe I'm too set in the traditional man/woman relationship that has worked for millions of years. All the inbetweens are an aberration of nature, yet occurs often enough to be acceptable.
I see the discovery of a CD husband is much like a child realizing they're gay or lesbian. Some parents would disown that child, but they shouldn't.
The emotional turmoil they have struggled with all their lives is heartbreaking. So too with cross dressing. They didn't ask to be so, it just is.

In no way am I trying to equate dressing with same gender attraction. The internal trauma and acceptance by a spouse, parents, family, and friends are much the same though.

We should accept the ones we love as who they are, that loving bond really didn't change.

Eileen

[Hanna]

So now you can have my two cents worth also.
I pretty much agree with what Lexi mentions. Actually with what everyone says, however Lexi and I seem to be in similar situations.
I had and told my wife about my dressing this spring.
She is a very smart a caring lady. Basically she accepts, but does not care for my dressing. She doesn't want to see me dressed. "She married a man".
I have told her I have dressed dince a teenager, on and off, purged 3-4 times, only to start all over again.
I've tried growing a beard to stop dressing and going out. But the feeling and urge never left, and has only increased now that I am 73 yo.
We have been married for 33 years. I told that I've been dressing all along, and nothing has changed my love and feelings for her.
I guess for me dressing is kinda a type of escape. I enjoy while I do it, and some times I can leave it alone.
I almost feel like it's a type of masturbation process for me--if that makes any sense.

That being said, right now I have no plans to transition , but if she is away for a few hours, I do dress. If I have o ravel to town, (35 miles away), and I have the time, I take clothes with me and dress in the car, and have my "gurl time".
She may know I do that , but she does not say anything.
So, yes it can be tough.
I wish you the best, and hope you can happily keep your bride, and follow your desires also.

[Eileen (SO)]

Hanna,

You describe what our relationship was like right after discovery. Before then, he was miserable hiding his secret and dressing on the sly. I was oblivious except that his quiet moods became more frequent after kids all moved away.
After discovery, he was still miserable as before, now I also was miserable, married to this freak and liar.

Eventually, I learned more about cross dressing and decided to accept her in our life. We both (or should I say all three of us?) are much happier together. No more sullen moods, for either of us.
Him dressed female satisfies his needs to do so, I just find it amusing. Women like to gab about clothing or hair styles, why not with a husband dressed as a woman?

Eileen

[Hanna]

Eileen,
I would guess you don't talk about it, because TVs are not totally accepted yet.
As in my case. I would not want everyone to know to dress. It would be great if it was approved/accepted , but unfortunately that hasn't happened yet.
Maybe it's the location, more liberal town/cities. Right now it's our little secret.