The Official: How To Get Understanding/Acceptance From An SO

[Eileen (SO)]

So many people claim to be accepting of alternative life styles, until this lifestyle is in their home, their partner/spouse. Total hypocrisy. Conduct yourselves the same as demanded others should.

Eileen

[Angie G]

My wife and I have been married 48 years. Ten years ago one hot day I told her Men should be able to wear skirts when it's so hot she went and got a skirt gave it to me So I put it on. Not long after that I was fully dressing with her acceptance and even helping. She did have all the questions. She knew it wasn't going away. She sometimes buys thing for Angie. Your wife needs to know that it's part of who you are and it won't go away.
Angie

[Lacey Hadley]

SO's/wives/GF's need to realize things. Crossdressing may not be typical, what about 3% of men surveyed admit to doing it, lets say another 3% do but when surveyed will not admit to doing it. That is still 6% or maybe even more, who knows as most cders are closeted.

But it is a generally innocuous part of a cders life. Your 'man' could be a very more troubling person. He could be a serial adulterer, he could be a GF/wife beater, he could be a boozer or a drug addict, he could be a compulsive gambler and gambling your life savings and more away. He could be a felon on the run that you do not know of. There are many very harmful things your man could be and as such could really affect your life badly.

All crossdressers if in any LTR/marriage only asks of acceptance and freedom to have this side of them live happily. None of us if in an LTR/marriage want to hurt our wives/SO's/GF's. But fact is this ladies, crossdressing is not a mere frivolous habit. It will not go away. I know this 100% as a life long cder and one who has tried to stop it many times in my adult life. It is hardwired into our greater persona. It's not like a drug or alcohol addiction where such addictions become a problem. I have felt an affinity to my feminine side and to crossdressing since I was about age 5-6 and saw all the cute girls around me who were my peers. I so envied their clothes, their hair, their shoes/boots, their ribbons and lace. At age 5-6 you do not really have an ability to grow an addiction. It's just something in one's character. I could not understand it at that age. I figured between two extremes in my developing mind, one most boys must have felt this or two I was the only boy on Earth to feel this. It was very hard for me even at age 5-6. I tried to combat it in many ways by being more aggressive in attitude as a young boy than I may have had to try to show to myself to think and feel a boy not think and feel like a girl or wannabe girl. I would then rebound back to a centre point by dong girly things like playing Barbies with my sister and her friends or play house with them.

By age 11-12 I finally caved in put on female clothes, my mother's pantyhose. Soon I'd add her high heels and even a dress or skirt at times when home alone. By age 12 one generally knows this is not typical among males. I was at war with myself at times. It was guilt and hate as a reaction to femininity and sensuality of wearing such lovely clothes and shoes. It is not a perversion or an addiction, again it is hardwired into us cders. I never asked to be one nor did I plan on it.

I hate most are people who have NO CLUE as they are not likely cders, not tgers, not gay etc. but seem to know inside any of these A-typical groups of persons minds better that those like me who live it (in my case it's cding). I know my mind and feelings better than these aholes. BUT! I also believe some of these people who are so anti- alt. lifestyle such as anti-gay, anti-TG, anti-CD etc. are over reacting to maybe cover for a questioning mindset of feelings of who they are. IMO many especially males who are anti-that are suffering a level of confusion and denial about an aspect of this that could be a part of them.

Anyways to any SO/wife/GF of a cder why would you want to have them keep this part of who they are secret from you? what do you gain by not knowing it? Peace of mind of being ignorant to a man you say you love? Really? Would you want to have peace of mind of not knowing you may be say so in debt you may lose all or worse not knowing your SO/Hubby/BF may have cancer or you have cancer???

Having the man you say you love (BTW if you are married and via you wedding vows general unconditional love) confide to you his personal story of being a cder should be an honour even if you may not understand it and why. He is not expecting you to do so at least not upfront. But with it out on the table he wants nothing more than to try to educate you and maybe even share it in a respectful way as you are the lady he is said to love.

So SO's/wives/GF's before you go all female hairy ape on your crossdressing man think about the trash you could be in an LTR or marriage with. Crossdressing is not an illness any more than being left handed is. Both are A-typical, both are innate and as such harmless unless the persons are guilted to hate themselves where it's guilt may then be harmful to them.

You do not lose YOUR MAN! Your cding man is still as manly as he was before you knew of his cding side. You get another (BONUS) level of relationship and a bit of a feminine side to your man that can be fun in a sorta GF way. Besides again most Cders are not so "UGH I HATE SHOPPING WITH THE WIFE OR GF!" Trust me we are not so BORED when you shop for female clothes or shoes. Often we can give you a pretty good opinion from that of a male's mindset and that of our feminine POV. We are also shopping for our femme side even if only in mind at the time or better yet to ring up a CC purchase ourselves We'd love to have our SO/wife/GF share her POV on the stuff we like.

Being in an LTR/marriage with a cder is not your personal the end times! OPEN YOUR MINDS PLEASE! We are not bad people for being cders.

[Eileen (SO)]

In the '80's, I doubt that I would be so understanding for lack of reliable information.
Maybe I'm so supportive now to make up for his femme time lost?
Every life story you all provide are different in details, but very common overall. This has been a confusing and interesting part of our lives. Well worth the adventure though.

I will offer a few caveats for my sisters here. Respect the limitations your wife feels comfortable with. Don't dress sexier than she does, or wear bigger boobs than hers. And always, always, when ordering or store shopping, ask her if she would like something in her size.

Eileen

[Samantha]

Miss sapphire Goddess, you are right on! And, look pretty darn good as acedar(never heard this acronym before), and I bet your pretty darn good looking as a male.

Samantha

[Lacey Hadley]

Miss sapphire Goddess, you are right on! And, look pretty darn good as acedar(never heard this acronym before), and I bet your pretty darn good looking as a male.

Samantha

Hi Samantha,

We all have POV's, mine on crossdressing has developed much over my life. A loving relationship between two persons should first be on mutual respect for each other as persons and acceptance to who each are. Most wives/SO's/GF's may not be looking for a cder to be in a loving relationship with, as a cder is an A-typical lifestyle. But any LTR is a leap of faith. It's a two way street, the man in your life ladies also has to see and accept who you are and trust me we all are flawed you ladies too.

IMO having a CDer hubby/SO/BF is not an issue to drive a wedge between two supposed loving persons. You treat it and share it with respect and decorum between both of you and if/whom else you may share it with. If one of you treat it like a disease or crime, then any other persons who may find out will likely be poisoned to feel the same by your thoughts. It is an innocuous thing folks, in the end who the Hell cares what others think? If you are both in love and in a respectful relationship. Screw the haterz, the ignorant and the blowhards. IMO most males who talk such crap have gender and or sexuality issues and may overcompensate for by being aholes. Any GG's who are haterz, ignorant and cruel are first "IGNORANT!!!" about cders and may have too high of an opinion of themselves. If in a relationship they may have a lack of understanding what a loving, respectful relationship is. No person is perfect, not even any of you here who may read this. The only said to be perfect person in history was crucified.

No it's not always easy, it's harder for the cder as we live it, we feel the weight of B.S. rejection and possible mocking by others. We do not want to hurt those we love. If we can't accept and love ourselves, we will short change you and others as well. You as a loving SO/wife/GF should support it as a non-destructive issue. It's a journey through life that will have many highs and lows for us cders. We can have other issues in our lives too, some good and some bad but one thing for sure, being in a relationship with a cder is not as bad or dangerous to you by us being cder's as if we were a drunkard, druggy, compulsive gambler, wife/GF beater or many other bad things.

Any persons who see a cder, you can mock, try to berate us or try to abuse us but it changes nothing and makes you look like an backside in the end. How about talking to us, listen to us, learn from what we say and about our lives, we are not toxic or contagious. A-typical? Yes, but that can be fun and enlightening to others.

In 'ME MAN!' mode, I'm as typical of a man as most others are. I do feel my femme side is always there and softens some of my man character (um not a bad thing ladies). But I can and do as many of the man things as most any non-cding men do.

Again wives/SO's/GFs' you have your baggage too, you want us to accept you for it, well again it's a two way street, if LOVE is what you share with your man, cder or noncder.

-----------

Thank you for the compliment of me as a cder. IMO Lacey is a very cute girl. If I were another man and could, I'd date her. The pictures I have here do not capture it all due to low rez but I'm generally happy with my femme appearance and have learned a lot over time about finding wig styles that suit me nicely, makeup, especially so as makeup really can make it for a cder who wants to look as femme as she can and not just dress in femme clothes. I do fall out of practice though if I go a while without full dressing, but I try to be good with it. Clothing and finding clothes that fit well enough and match your personality, tastes and general desired look is important too.

As a male in drab I figure I'm a typical looking male, generally good fitness, weight and height. I'm folic-ally challenged but I dress well as male too. As a girl Lacey looks quite different though and her style and fashion sense is much more deeper and in style, such as most GG's may be on how to put a look/outfit together. Example, my ex-wife would each night before bed pick her work clothes out for the next day. As a male in drab I dress to look natural and decent , but like most males not as deep thinking about it all.

Lacey,

[Eileen (SO)]

[quote="Lacey Hadley"]SO's/wives/GF's need to realize things. [quote]

I'm trying to be on your side, Lacey, and certainly supportive of my husband. But YOU need to realize there is a limit to what is acceptable. I didn't marry a drunk, gambler, pedophile, or philanderer by choice. What I didn't know was he wished to cross dress.
Your topic title asks "how to gain understanding and acceptance..." Then insist what WE need to understand.
I choose to accept, support, and understand. I did not NEED to, it's my choice. I love him just the same as before. We live as man and woman for all our family, friends, and neighbors. She has her femme time when no one will be around.

He choose to stay married with a loving wife and dress within this wife's level of tolerance. I think I'm more supportive than most wives, attending meetings and helping with clothing choices and make up.

All relationships are a compromise in order to last. I will not live in a lesbian looking relationship. He hid this compulsion for damn near 50 years, she can live within my limits for the next 50.

Eileen

[Linda LaTouche (SO)]

Lacey

I have put this off for a good while now. As you can see I AM an SO, my hubby didn't bother to tell me he was a CDr not even when I found the clothes or the bills for the intimate undies, shoes, dresses etc. I have done my reasearch and have joined this forum to find answers he as a CDR "REFUSES" to share I can't be more understanding. It seems to me you as a male and as a female would be a very nice couple, you have expressed several times through out the boards that you would "date" yourself if such a thing where possible, seems to me you need to step into an SOs shoes for a while and see just what being married or in a LTR with a CDR is like after all this post is "How to gain understanding and acceptance from a SO". As they did when I was in college--which was not that long ago-- walk a mile in MY shoes (in case you haven't a clue its where MEN walk in high heels for a determined amount -1 mile-- yes its for a cause(not going to mention it), but it would apply here too) so you may want to walk a mile in my shoes and stop RANTING about you and your beginnings, and maybe just maybe if you would have told your ex about your CDing you'd still be in a LTR.

Linda La

[Lacey Hadley]

Hi Eileen,

The sad thing is and if I may, was that your husband felt compelled to keep a part of who he is from you. Not likely out of ill will or not loving and caring for you but probably out of a life of social indoctrination to him as to being crossdresser was sick, wrong, evil, a perversion and he likely felt he had to hide it from you out of fear of possible rejection of him by you and your family if shared.

If society would not look at it as some toxin or perversion, more cders would likely be upfront with a GF/SO/wife. If your husband was say born with or contracted a disability, you'd likely have known it before getting serious with him and you'd have made a choice to make an LTR with him or not. I'm also going to assume so please take no offense, if he was a different race than you, you'd have accepted it or moved on as he could not change his race. To a crossdresser that is as much hardwired into our being as if we were like a race. No matter who tells us and what we are told about it being 'a sick perversion' and trust me we cder's all heard it if not in the first person towards us, even if as a third party among others. As such most if not all of us tried and tried and tried some more top stop, IT WONT STOP! I've tried and all the fighting of my femme/cder side got me was a whole lot of misery, thoughts of suicide and hate for myself. I am learning to not feel that way anymore, but it's hard at times.

As to a mutual relationship as you note, I want to express again for you crossdressing should be broached and handled with utmost respect by both parties. It should be talked openly and with care and love so that the cder feels no shame, nor fear of losing a wife/SO/GF and so that the wife/SO/GF can be respected for her concern by her cding SO/Hubby/BF.

I never told my ex-wife about my cding side when we were married, I was terrified of it killing our marriage, sadly ours still ran out due to other issues, but my hiding and guilt of cding did play an underlying role. IMO if a cding hubby/SO/BF cannot have time to express his cding side it will likely in the end ruin the relationship and maybe even him.

I'd suggest a POV to you and your loving relationship with your husband as to not look at it as a lesbian relationship. He is still likely the man you met, fell in love with and married. He can still do all the manly things he did before you learned of his cding side. IMO and I have no idea how and what he does dressed, he in that mode is likely expressing a feminine side and not a lesbian side. Eileen, it's not my business to know your intimate relationship. I will only impart based on how I see my life as cder that I doubt he ever wanted to hurt you, lie to you and likely does not want you to think of him as less of a man. I bet he feels guilty of delaying telling you of his cding side. He can't take back time, none of us can. But he can keep sharing with you himself, ALL OF HIMSELF and IMO love warrants such acceptance.

Maybe if I told my ex about my cding side, the other issues that drove us apart may have been better dealt with. As I said my cding side played an under current role in my issues among my ex-wife's issues that led to our divorce. If I did not tell her because of a feeling of fear of cding in her eyes, if I told her, maybe if I did we'd still be married and happy, WHO KNOWS?

[Lacey Hadley]

Hi Linda,


I do try to post as respectful to both sides of an LTR POV. I come from living near my whole life as a cder. I could live a lie, I could try to fight my femme feelings and in an LTR on the surface all could look OK! But it will not underneath.

Reading your post it sound more like you and Elieen are mad at you SO's keeping this from you. Be mad it's ok but in time you have to move beyond it. We all do with many things in life. Again I doubt neither of your SO's ever wanted to hurt you both. I bet 100% fear kept them from telling you. Fear of a lifetime of hearing/reading how cders were sick, perverts. That is enough to SHUT even the strongest man who is a closeted cder up.

I advocate opening up and seeing of how cding is not a contagious disease or toxin, but is a part of a person's character. If it were seen as more benign , more males in LTR's would be freer to open to a wife/SO/GF they love.

I'm the same man as I was before another person knows about my cding side. I may crossdress and as such I do have a side to me that is unconventional, but can be a wonderful and colorful part of my whole self. Honestly cders do not mean any harm.

Both parties must get past personal hangups and if they love each other they will endear to respect each other, open dialog and open minds is all I ask.

[Lacey Hadley]

I've been thinking more about these posts and if it's ok I wish to respectfully ask Eileen and Linda a couple of questions that I hope open up thoughts and constructive dialog. I mean no disrespect but again only to open up dialog.

1: If either of you learned upfront or very early in your relationships with your SO's about their crossdressing sides would you have stayed in the relationships or ended them? Please do not answer I don't know as that solves nothing. Please get in your mental way back machine and go back to the first days, weeks, months of your relationship and ask yourself knowing you were told or found out that your SO's were crossdressers, you will have one of two answers to my question, YES I'd stay or NO! I'm outta here! Which would it be?

2: Ok so you know your SO's are crossdessers, what about that is an issue, concern or worry for you? Is it a fear of embarrassment of others, family, friends etc. finding out? And/or is it a personal issue of having a crossdressing SO?


I appreciate your frank feedback so far and am just curious about the answers you may choose to give here.

[Lacey Hadley]

To add I have a follow up for you Eileen,

You noted: "He hid this compulsion for damn near 50 years, she can live within my limits for the next 50."

First I truly appreciate your candor and I was thinking on this line you said earlier. If I may add some thoughts.


If your SO hid his 'compulsion for 50 years' he did not directly affect you with it as you had no idea. Yes, his hiding probably led to a lot of guilt (it would have for me) and animosity for himself as a closeted cder (again it would have for me) and as such likely some indirect issues for you and him. But one can look at his hiding of his cding side in two ways.

1: He was selfish and as such carried on his closeted cding while being in an LTR with you. He wanted his cake and eat it too. I'd not be surprised if you may have felt that way at least at first once knowing of his cding.

2: He was selfless and as such he did not want to burden you with this secret side to him as he probably felt pangs of guilt, confusion and anger about it over 50 years. Why should he burden you? Maybe this is a way to see it and his hiding it? He feared losing you too.

You noted about your limits over the next 50 years as if maybe he should carry that weight for another 50 years, could that be so? If so, why should he carry that weight of him hiding it for 50 years which he cant take back?

I truly mean no disrespect to you and your SO, I'm just talking on a mature and friendly crossdressing forum board here so that we all can read, think, talk and feel this subject out.

IMO most LTR's do keep some secrets, usually not out of spite but out of fear and/or not wanting to hurt the other partner.

My blathering posts. here are only to give my 2 cents on a subject I know personally and I wish to help in my way move society forward to not stigmatizing crossdressing as it has been. Again I doubt most if not all cders want to hurt anyone. We just want to live our lives fully and with mutual respect and hopeful love by others.

On a similar topic I recall long ago, late 90's when I use to watch such shows, an Oprah show about transgendered, children (I know cder's and Tger's are not one in the same but reaction by others may be similar). Anyways I recall the show talked about a US survey where a majority of parents of trans children if given a choice at the time would rather see them convicted of murder over being a transgendered child. Shocked I was, in other words these parents would have been better with knowing that their child TOOK another person's innocent life and as a result were convicted of murder over the idea of their child wanting to correct to the child's mind/heart a person in the wrong body. And one wonders why many tgers especially young suffer depression and contemplate or attempt suicide and by extension on our parallel track why many cders suffer similar and/or keep their cding a secret.

I thank you sincerely for your posts and that you visit as an SO this very good and informative crossdressing forum.

[Emily]

In my mind, I just couldn't figure it out: she's OK with and accepting of other crossdressers, she's bi - why in the world would this be such a problem!?!?!

Going back and reading some of your other posts - particularly the one where you go into detail of what happened when you told her - I think you might be on an emotional fault line. That is to say she has a conflict about gender and sexuality which she hasn't completely resolved.

She can cope as long as she's not pressed too hard on the issue - like with friends or whatever - but you hit the opposite of a sweet spot as a CDing partner.

So I've been pondering this post for a few days now, Anthony. At first I thought, hmmm... maybe there could be some conflict. But in all honesty, I don't think there is any conflict at all. As a matter of fact, I don't think I've met anyone so in touch with their gender and sexuality. I think the underlying issue here is our personality differences. She is direct; never afraid to speak her mind, but I'm the exact opposite. I try to be careful with what I say. I analyze and internalize - never direct for fear of what the other person might think. The last thing I want to do is hurt anybody or make anyone angry. In other words, I guess you could say I'm too wishy-washy.

Had I been more direct, more sure of myself, then maybe she could have reached some level of acceptance. But back in those early days, how was I supposed to know just how far, or how into crossdressing I would get? I suppose there was also that shock factor when I told her. Something I'm sure she was definitely not expecting to hear from me.

I think she just wasn't sure how to deal with someone like me. You see, all her friends are so open, so sure of themselves and not afraid to just be themselves - just let it all out for the world to see whatever that may be! That's the way she is and I think she just expects that from others as well.

One thing I wish I could better is to express just how much of a roller coaster this has been... There have been moments where she almost seemed to accept and others where she just flat out would not tolerate it. Its been 7 or 8 years since our last big "argument". I've never brought it up again. But since then, my "collection" has grown from just a few things to a full on wardrobe filled with skirts, dresses, pants, tops, wigs, forms, makeup... Am I afraid of what might happen if she were ever to discover my fem things? Yes. Scared to death. But this is something that I can't stop - and won't stop. It's a part of me and I don't think it'll ever go away. I suppose if this discussion ever comes up again, I will just have to tell her my true feelings flat out. Whether she chooses to accept or not will be up to her - but all I know is that I can't supress my feelings anymore and it's something that I am sure of.

[Linda LaTouche (SO)]

Lacey says

here are only to give my 2 cents on a subject I know personally

I am really confused with your post Lacey mostly because of the above quote, the topic of the post is "How to gain understanding and acceptance from a SO" now you have stated

I never told my ex-wife about my cding side when we were married, I was terrified of it killing our marriage, sadly ours still ran out due to other issues, but my hiding and guilt of cding did play an underlying role. IMO if a cding hubby/SO/BF cannot have time to express his cding side it will likely in the end ruin the relationship and maybe even him.

So how does your post qualify with your first quote? here do you show how you gain understanding and acceptance from your SO?

your ability as a CDR has not been questioned by either Eileen or myself.


Answering your 2 questions 1) I would stay 2) its never been a problem for me since I have actually gone into chat to ask what would be a "nice" gift for hubby-be that x-mas, bday, anniversary or whatever

Linda La

[Lacey Hadley]

Linda,


Thank you for your reply and for answering the questions. You have shown me to see you have an open mind towards the side of your SO that makes him a-typical from many of his peers. I will assume the process of understanding this side in him required you to care and to see beyond much of the stereotyping many in society feel towards crossdressing. I also will assume he appreciates your acceptance of him.

As to gaining an understanding and acceptance from an SO, I guess I layer in my posts many things but the single starting point for an SO is to first see beyond the actual cding and to IMO not fall prey to much of the intolerance and misunderstanding many may have about cder's. From there I add that an open, respectful and honest dialog will help both persons. If the cder remains closed off about it to their SO they will probably fan misunderstanding and anger. If the SO closes her mind to what her cding partner is, she will close off learning and understanding that this is not something that will go away. Her cding partner will then likely grow resentful of this and that will not help.

Again I'm confident and understanding that probably 98-99% of all wives/SO's/GF's are NOT looking for a cding partner. So when an SO finds she is in an LTR with one, it requires her to do some thinking, hard thinking and maybe has a ton of questions. This gets me back to my point of a must for open dialog without jumping to preconceived conclusions.

I've used other issues that can become wedges and problems in a marriage or LTR only to show that cding is far from the worst but maybe for most, it can be the most confusing based on how again the stereotypes are about cders in society.

When we get into an LTR/marriage with another person, both persons are on a journey of learning about each other and how to live with each other. I as a crossdresser want to put forth ideals that show we are not bad or sick people for being cders. Nobody knows how a marriage or LTR will work out and for many it can be very hard and tough. An example from myself, my late, older brother passed away to cancer at age 29, father of three kids and his wife, my sister in law had no choice but to accept and deal with it all. She did not sign up for that when she got onto the relationship and marriage with him. But she had it all fall into her lap. IMO that makes life with a crossdresser a much easier thing to deal and live with.

Please understand, I'm not judging you nor any other here including all SO's of cder's. I merely try to relate thoughts and issues about acceptance to show it can be much worse than to be in an LTR or marriage with a cding hubby/partner.

I guess ultimately both persons MUST fully respect each other. If one or the other or both fail to so such IMO the relationship/marriage will likely fail. As a cder I know it is a psychologically hard thing to understand, deal with and live with at times. The fear of rejection by those we love is likely the biggest driver for keeping it a secret. I want my ability to speak my mind at a forum like this to in any way I can make it all less of a stigma along with more understanding and accepting.