The Official: How To Get Understanding/Acceptance From An SO

[Ashleykal]

My wife caught me wearing women's panties 2 years ago, this was the second time. I came out to her, not just underwear, but I was a cross dresser. It was a painful time full of emotional ups and downs. All the while I dressed in private I felt it was like a victimless crime, but the sence of betrayal displayed by my wife and the pain it caused her made me appreciate it was not.

Now, after two years seeing a therapist, mostly as a couple, our relationship is mostly good. Mostly, because my wife is still disgusted by the thought of my cross dressing and would rather split than accept it. Neither of us wish for this, we have been married 36 years. If my wife realizes I have "lapsed" and cross dressed life takes a down turn for a period though thankfully these are shorter now.

The problem is having got hooked on cross dressing I can not give it up, not without other changes to our relationship and who knows even then. I am comfortable cross dressing in private and not when my wife is around, I have no intention of demanding she embrace my life choice. My wife just wants me to stop.

Does anyone have any similar experience and suggestions of how to gain acceptance of what and who I am. My wife has read a lot on line but she is stilled worried that I want to transition and does not believe I will ever be able to control myself

Ashley


** Topic title amended to accommodate spacing when converted to an "official" topic. - SL **

[Rikki]

We have been married the same length of time and even though I have not (yet) let the "panty out of the bag", I totally get the guilt feeling you bore. I would love to confess my passion to my lovely wife and dread the thought of getting caught. But since she is happy with her various loves of her own which give me ample alone time to indulge in my femme times (like you, in private at home) I do feel content in this level of CDing. If I were to tell her about my cross dressing I'm sure my wife would have the same reaction your wife does.

So for the time being my personal affair with "Rikki" will continue a secret only shared with my friends here at the Haven.

Rikki

[Anthony Simon]

I'm not married and so can't help you with that. But I have certainly experienced disgust about my CDing. I would say that's a really hard one to beat - and I'm not sure it ever went away with the member of my family I got it from. It's a visceral reaction in which a lot is invested emotionally.

If you've been with your wife to a therapist for that length of time, I'm sure he's explored (perhaps gently) the possibilities of shifting it - and presumably it didn't happen. Maybe it would be better if you went to a gender therapist, but going to one would probably be taken by your wife as tantamount to accepting your CDing.

I take the liberty of quoting from your intro post:

Each year when my family return to the UK, my feminine side comes out. Each time I progress more and more into transforming myself into a believable woman and become more comfortable in this role and find it more rewarding. Now I spend as much of this free time as a woman as I can and take every opportunity to go out as a woman, spend time with others as a Woman and interact with the world as a woman.

a) I admire you.
b) It does make a kind of sense of your wife's fear that you may transition, in that leaving all else aside, the trend is in that direction.

[Davita]

Hi Ashley,

Every relationship is unique so there isn't a "do this and it will all be okay." You two need to be communicating. You can't make promises and she can't expect them. You two need to decide what is better - a relationship in which you are miserable but to together or a relationship where you are apart and miserable. Oh wait... maybe you both decide not to be miserable and work through some reasonable compromises so you can stay together and enjoy each other.

BTW, if we don't understand us what are you expecting of the better half? As for that acceptance? Do you need acceptance or simply a level of compromise? She might never like it for whatever reason, but she can learn to cope.

Again, you two need to talk regularly and be realistic about all this...

[DonnaT]

The problem is having got hooked on cross dressing I can not give it up

Being hooked implies that it is an addiction, like drugs or alcohol, and can thus be overcome by therapy and some 12 step program. If your wife is of the same mind, then she'll always think you can just choose to stop.

Being trans, yes crossdressing is, for many, a part of being trans, means one was born with this inclination, and it will never go away. You can control it, in your own way, but being trans is here to stay.

Problem is, your wife has her own issues with it, and it is quite difficult to get someone, so inclined, to change there thoughts on it.

Been married 41 years, and my wife has gone from liking it, to hating it, to tolerating it, and repeat the cycle. However, she does know that being trans is not going to go away, and so she is back to accepting/tolerating it.

[Emily]

Here I was thinking that I was the only one keeping secrets from my S/O... I can't even begin to imagine what would happen if she found out!!!

Its a secret I hate to have to keep, but early on in our relationship, when I tried to tell her about my crossdressing, it didn't end well. At first she did try to accept, but eventually just couldn't. We've been together almost 14 years and I have tried to bring it up a couple of other times throughout, but it never ended well. Its not that she dislikes crossdressers... in fact she encourages it - as long as its not me. She just doesn't want a crossdressing partner.

Wish I could offer some advise, on how to gain acceptance, but I got nothing. I thought that my SO would be understanding and accepting, but she isn't and I don't think that will ever change. So I continue to keep this secret - but if it ever came down to it, I don't think crossdressing is something I could ever give up. Maybe it's just me... but I think it would be easier just to break up (not that I would want to). You would hope that the person you are with could just accept unconditionally - but unfortunately that's not always the case. We can't always be free to be ourselves. Sometimes we need to hide a certain part of ourselves, a certain part of who we are - and not necessarily just with crossdressing, but other aspects too. I know its not healthy, but sometimes its the only way to deal.

Communication is essential in any relationship. It should be easy to open up, talk and be honest with your wife/girlfriend/partner/SO... but for some its the hardest thing to do. But, you have to at least try. If that doesn't work, well...? What's the alternative?

[Samantha]

Wow, these posts are very moving and helpful. What a great forum!

[Samantha]

Off subject, does anybody know how to post a avatar or attachment pic? The avatar download won't upload my pic because the files too big, and it doesn't allow me to take a photo meaning my camera is just frozen and won't work when trying. It's from a iPhone 6plus and my picture albums.

[Lacey Hadley]

Hi Samatha,

If you take a photo of you downloaded and go into a post processing software, photoshop, pixelmator, or similar. you can resize your file to a size that fits the requirements (200pix x 200pix max.) and save it. Then go to your profile and follow the avatar upload procedures.

hope that helps.

[Paulette]

(Back to the original subject)

There's nothing that "works." It depends entirely on her (and your) personalities, needs, and what you expect from each other. And you are not going to stop cross dressing, ever, so there's no 12-step program that will work for either of you. However, a couples counselor experienced in the problems of trans-straight marriages may be able to help her adjust. I hope your counselor is experienced and isn't trying to "cure" you. There is no cure.

I was very lucky in that my last wife enjoyed and supported my CD, with two exceptions: she never got over her concern that I might fully transition and leave her, though the longer we were together the less she worried about it; and she was never happy with the thought that I was sometimes more involved with the clothing and how it made me feel, than I was with her. Talking openly about these things can help - she'll need honest and frequent reassurance

If your wife were familiar and comfortable with fetish, or was bisexual, it would be easier for her to accept your cross dressing as a kink you and she could share together. She might even accept you as a sister or girlfriend when you were dressed. But if she was sexually inexperienced when you married and didn't know that most men masturbate regardless of how often they make love, she may feel that you were cheating on her with yourself, which perhaps you are. It's complicated.

But I'd guess that she is or was none of these things.

And after 36 years she's got to feel that you've made her live a lie.

So I believe your best bet is to find an experienced couples counselor. If your counselor is experienced in trans/straight marriage relationships and you feel you're being helped, that's the best path. If your counselor is simply good but inexperienced with your situation, I suggest you get a referral from your local trans support group, or at least from one in a nearby large city. Vanilla couples counselors with no experience with teh trans will be clueless.

[Ashleykal]

Paulette
We have been seeing a therapist, first just me and then together. The therapist was experienced in the issues faced by being transgender for those who saw themselves as wanting to transition, but not so much with a cross dresser such as myself. She helped enormously in fixing our relationship, which is not a lot stronger and I have a lot more self awareness about how I ended up where I am. I would certainly agree that talking together is the answer and that a therapist really helps.
To move further, I believe my wife now needs to confront here demons and see a therapist of her own. She is very reluctant to do so, I think she is afraid: her anxiety level is high!
I had hoped to at least gain more control of my dressing and go back to where it was but I fear you are correct. It is too much part of me and now I have released her I can not now bear to be parted. I do have a lot more control, at one point I felt I was being taken over by her and was rushing head long into a need to transition. Now we live in happy equilibrium, I am equally happy with both the male and female side of mylife; but the female side is less serious and a lot more fun!
Ashley

[Eileen (SO)]

Well, first is the deception argument. 30 or 50 years ago, you didn't understand yourself and may have thought this dressing thing was just a phase. How can one be honest about feelings they can't describe to themselves? That should be forgiven to save the relationship.

OK, now you're 'out' to your wife, what to do now? Your wife must realize that CDing is not a choice, nor is it a recent discovery on your part. You most likely enjoyed women's clothing for many years before you two met, even before puberty.
I post this link often for couples looking for honest information,
http://chi-chapter.org/perspective.html" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

Having a CD husband is a compromise. I fell in love and married a man and he shall remain so. Now, there is a part of him that he couldn't explain before that I wish to understand and support. We live as man and wife. She attends meetings once a month or so, and enjoys femme time on weekend mornings corresponding through forums or personal e-mails.
We have a girls night together on weekends, where I get to know this 'Woman Within', which is ironic since that's the catalog name we both order from now.

Every time I read a post such as this, I want to shake these women by the shoulders and scream, you didn't lose your guy, he's more open than ever before! What the heck do you want? My guy doesn't gamble his pay check away, drink excessively, beat or cheat on me. So he enjoys dressing as a woman, no, he needs to dress as a woman from time to time. Enough to satisfy her needs and not so much that I feel like I'm living with a woman.

I'll never fully understand how it feels to want to dress as the opposite gender, but unlike fishing, this is an activity we both can share.

Eileen

[Ashleykal]

Thanks to all of you for your thoughts and comments. I may not have got a golden key that will solve all of my problems, but just the support and warmth feels good and helps to sustain me. Truth be told, it is not a problem I can resolve, it is my wife's problem now, her decision as to how to deal with finding out her husband is a cross dresser. I have a lot more insight as to how I got here and what it means to me, but I don't think she has explored her own feeling to the same extent, maybe over time.
Ashley

[Emily]

If your wife were familiar and comfortable with fetish, or was bisexual, it would be easier for her to accept your cross dressing as a kink you and she could share together. She might even accept you as a sister or girlfriend when you were dressed.

After reading this, I just felt that I had to share my thoughts... I've said in many posts now that my S/O does not accept my crossdressing. Way back, when I first met her, I felt that I could open up to her because she was familiar with and knew other crossdressers. In addition, she is bi. I had never told anyone before, and honestly, it was a whole new world I was on the verge of discovering. I was ecstatic at the prospect that I could finally really start to explore this whole other side of me. So I told her. The conversation did not go as well as expected. While she did try to accept at first, eventually she just couldn't.

In my mind, I just couldn't figure it out: she's OK with and accepting of other crossdressers, she's bi - why in the world would this be such a problem!?!?! I guess it really does come down to one thing - that in this type of serious relationship, she wants a guy. She doesn't want a girl - at least not in any serious or committed context. But if she did, why settle for a "fake" or "pretend" girl when she could easily get "the real thing"? Still strikes me as odd sometimes though - she is so accepting and encouraging to those around her, complete opposite for me though. In a weird way, it all seems so ironic...

[Anthony Simon]

In my mind, I just couldn't figure it out: she's OK with and accepting of other crossdressers, she's bi - why in the world would this be such a problem!?!?!

Going back and reading some of your other posts - particularly the one where you go into detail of what happened when you told her - I think you might be on an emotional fault line. That is to say she has a conflict about gender and sexuality which she hasn't completely resolved.

She can cope as long as she's not pressed too hard on the issue - like with friends or whatever - but you hit the opposite of a sweet spot as a CDing partner.