Parents and Siblings

[LouiseK (F)]

I am interested in hearing about your experiences coming out to your parents and siblings, is it a common thing to do or something mainly kept from them? If they know how did they react and what age were you when you told them? Do you regret not telling them? Most importantly I guess is did they actively help you if not would you have wanted that help or preferred to be left to your own devices?
Sorry if I sound nosy but just trying to get an insight into this as I try to support my son, I might not have done a great job in the past but want to get it right now x

[Eileen (SO)]

I'm a supportive wife of a CD and can't really give advice on this subject other than telling of his experience. Other than being caught experimenting a few times at early teen years, his cd life is strictly hidden from family, friends, and myself, (I found out in recent years). We're both rapidly approaching 60 yo, societal attitude in much different now than then.

He has said that keeping this secret as a teen was very lonely and had no knowledge of others like him existed. His Mom is now 80, (Dad has passed away) coming out to her at this time would serve no purpose other than pleasing himself. Coming out to life long friends would be more awkward than worth the hassle. As for us, I'm happy to be part of his alter life. Our children do not know of his cding, he'd rather they think of his Dad always.

Some of the younger girlfriends are open to their friends and family with positive results, while some prefer to keep a separate life. Now that you're aware, your son needs your support to help him iron out his feelings. As parents, sometimes we make mistakes. Hopefully we can get things straight the next try.


Eileen

[Emily]

I have never come right out to tell my mom, or my siblings about my dressing, but...

When I was about 10, my mom found a pair of panties that I had hidden under my dresser. She asked me to sit down and we talked about it. I wish I remembered what she said, but I was so embarrassed, I think that's all I really could focus on. I remember though that she was calm, she wasn't angry. It was a very nice sit down chat. She could have told me that it was wrong, or she could have told me that it was OK. The memory is just so cloudy. I think really though, she was just trying to be an understanding parent. My mom always told me that I could talk to her about anything anytime I wanted. But I think my embarrassment over getting caught has never quite gone away which could be part of why I never felt comfortable to bring this up.

Fast forward a few years... while my mom was out, I put on some of her things and pretended that I was a girl in front of my sister and brother. I seem to remember that they were quite perplexed as to what I was doing. It didn't help that they were a few years younger than me either. I'm not sure why I did it... Was I trying to be funny? Was this a sign? Whatever it was, I don't think it quite achieved whatever intent it was supposed to.

After those incidents, I learned to keep everything hidden. Coincidentally, for about the next three or four years, there was no other desire to dress up. Those feelings started to re-emerge when I was about 15 or 16.

Do I regret not telling them? In a way, yes... I wish I could have been more open to my mom. I don't think my dad would have ever understood, but I think my mom would have at least tried. But, that was back in the 80's!! I didn't understand it then and quite honestly, felt a little shameful like it was wrong. I know better now though 30+ years later...

[Stephanie M]

For me, my dad is a CD so coming out to my biological family was no big whoop. Now the in-laws on the other hand I probably will never.

[DonnaT]

I came out to my mom at age 50 I think it was. She had caught me once when I was a teen, but forgot about it.

She accepted it and has given me jewelry and clothes.

I have 4 brother, but never came out to them.

I told a cousin a few years ago, and it didn't change things between us.

[April Rose]

I was caught several times when I was a preteen, so i am pretty sure my mother knew something was up. We never had "the talk". It was clear to me that I was what we then called a transvestite by the time I was 13. I left for college at 18 and never lived in my home town again after that, so there was never a pressing need to tell her. My Dad and step dad had already passed away by then.

I told my wife before we were married. She was very supportive at first. Over time her feelings ran the gamut, as often due to what was going on with her, as with me. Though I admit I caused problems at times by pushing too far. Nowadays, nearly forty years into the marriage, we seem to have come to a comfortable compromise and accommodation.

I came out to my son when he was around twenty or so. It turned out he already knew. He was convinced, as an early teen, that I had pot stashed somewhere in the house (I did not) and he had rifled through the house trying to find it. This is a cautionary note for parents: If you raise your child to be very independent minded and creative, he might grow up to be very independent minded and creative. This is not necessarily a comfortable situation for an aging parent. You can always tell a punk rocker, but you can't tell him much.
He is fine with my gender position.

My brother found out when he walked into my kitchen unexpectedly while I was cooking in a skirt and apron. He seems to be okay with it as well. We still play golf together.

[Sarah Rene]

My parents never really knew Sarah as I was only 8 when they died however I know in my heart they know and would be proud of the person I am today. My sister who became my guardian after my parents death learned of my dressing when I was 10 and welcomed the opportunity to have a little sister and help her become a young lady. I thank God every day for that love and support and I know where I would be without her or her SO.

In answer to your underlying question support your son, wherever his desires and heart go. I have known more than one girl like him and I guess me way back when who have taken things in their own hands due to family rejection including taking their own life. Love him and support him and let life take his journey to where he is comfortable.

[Diana Michelle]

Having been originally rejected by my family when I came out to them I know how it feels. At your son's age he is confused and unsure of a lot of things and he needs a parent's love and support even more than ever. Not sure how old your son is but I used similar words to those to a confused mother of a 15 year old son who had told her he felt like a girl and always had. That was about 10 years ago and today she is the proud mother of a beautiful, both physically but more importantly on the inside, 25 year old daughter studying for her Masters degree.

I know this is tough and you have a lot of questions but believe me we are all here to help you. Just post or PM any of us and we will try to help you understand and accept.

[Amanda R]

Louise I am that 15 year old Diana mentions and trust me she knows what she is talking about. I was scared and confused and not sure what or who I truly was. I do know without her intervention things would not be as good for me today as they are. I also know without the love and support of my sister and mother I wouldn't have found my way but somehow we did. It wasn't easy for Mom or Chelsea but nor was it for me. Hug him, tell him you love him, and reassure him you don't understand anymore than he does but somehow together you will get through it all. I do not know where you live but there has to be some form of an LGBT organization. Contact them and ask for what resources they can offer you. Hopefully you can find a Diana to help you.

Diana, I will never able able to thank you for that all your assistance, guidance, and help you were back in those days not only to me but also to my mother and sister. Not sure where I would be now without you but I know it would not be where I am today.