Relationship Troubles

[HannahRose]

Hi everyone. This is my first post on here and I was looking for some serious advice.

I have been dating my boyfriend for just over 2 years. Before that, we were friends for 5 years, the last 2 of those 5 years being best friends. I love him with all my heart, and I know he loves me so much too. He moved in with me 2 years ago (kind of part time but 5-6 days he would stay at my place) while I was living with my roommate. Since then, we have gotten our own apartment, as well as the sweetest little husky (she turns 1 years old on August 6th!). We have always had a deep connection, about almost everything; music, spirituality, love, communication, hobbies, interests, food, etc. We have also always founded our relationship on honest, frequent communication.

Before we started dating, when we were best friends, he told me (I was the first person he ever told) that sometimes he liked wearing women's clothes, or when he was younger he enjoyed trying on his sisters swimsuit or panties. At the time, he said it was a turn on and that was the basis for doing it, but he would always feel very guilty. Also, I'm going to add this right now, he comes from a very religious family. He himself has adjusted his views of religion and, like me, considers himself to be very spiritual with no specific religious affiliation (I was raised Catholic but encouraged to pursue whatever religion suited me). I love his parents and I love his whole family and both of us are very close with his family.

About a year and a half ago, this topic came up again and I invited him to put on a "fashion show" for me. We both had a lot of fun and it was cute seeing how excited/nervous/shy he was. Since then, he has dressed up around me many times, usually my leggings, or one of my dresses. I've never had a problem with it, but I admit, I always felt a bit sad about how lit up he seemed, because I've never seen him be that excited about anything, including doing activities we both love (hiking mountains, camping, making love, etc).

Around 5 months ago he came out to his co-workers and boss about it. He works at a sensory deprivation tank, so when he works, aside from customers, he is there from 10am-10pm by himself. I supported him in telling his co-workers and boss, and they all received him very well. He enjoys occasionally going to work dressed up.

Recently, when he dresses up, he has always shaved his facial hair (which I love when he has a little scruff) and spent a lot of time doing his makeup, as well as watching me do mine and asking advice, which I've always had no problem giving him. This summer he also shaved his legs twice. I've had no problem with it until recently.
He's also expressed feeling the desire to go out to the movies or a bar with me completely dressed up, or going to the mall and shopping for his own women's clothes.Which I also haven't been opposed to trying for his sake (we never actually have).

Our sex life has greatly declined. Granted, we are both working a lot during the summer, but I don't even turn him on enough to perform. He is always embarrassed and apologetic and I tell him that it's ok and we are both tired.

About a week ago, we had a big argument. We resolved it after a day away from each other. He felt that I don't understand him and don't support him and am embarrassed of him. This has deeply hurt me, as I have always tried to embrace him with warm arms and make him feel comfortable, and encourage that side of him. I was upset because our sex life has been almost obsolete, and with his increasing desire to go to work dressed up, or go out in public, or always wanting to be smooth and shaved everywhere, that he might not truly want to be with me. We have since talked things out and agreed that we need to take things slow (for my sake) as I'm still getting used to him wanting to dress up and it not meaning he is transgender (which I've expressed concerns about).

He is out of town for the next couple days on a backpacking trip with his best friend. When I got home today, his computer was on the counter and I opened to log in to respond to some emails. His history was open from what he'd been searching earlier today before he left, so I started scrolling through. I also want to say that we are very open together, neither him nor I snoop or go through each other's phones. So I feel guilty for scrolling through and I am ashamed of that.

Anyway, his history from just 2 weeks ago was about transgender people. He had googled questions about people transitioning, and had also searched a lot of online sites for women's dresses and shoes. The more I read the more sad and shocked I was, as we had just recently "worked things out" about this and came to a mutual (or so I thought) agreement to how we would both be more understanding of the other persons feelings. Because I had seen this I shut the browser and on his desktop was a document that I opened because then I was snooping. In this document (he called it a Free Write) he had discussed his feelings about me, saying that he doesn't think I understand him, or am ashamed of him. This also deeply hurt because we had just talked everything out last week, and both cried about it, and truly (I thought) made up. He also talked about his crossdressing and how much he loved it and how it made him happier than anything and it was the most cathartic feeling he's ever known. He said in this document (he has never ever said this to me) that if he could have it his way, he would want to be dressed up 50% of the time as a woman and 50% as a man, but he said the later 50% would only be when he was feeling lazy.

I'm sorry for the long post, but I am so scared and sad of what is going to happen to us. I love him so much and I know he loves me equally. He has told me many times he feels absolutely comfortable in his own body, and absolutely comfortable and satisfied being a man. And I've believed him. But reading that and seeing his browser history has left me completely shocked. I have no one to talk to about this, as none of our friends or parents know, and I just need advice. I don't know what to do and I feel like I've talked to him about it so many times and he says he's not transgender and enjoys being a man. I'm worried he is masking his feelings because he doesn't want to lose me, and he's worried that his parents would completely disown him or be very ashamed of him.

Please help. He and I have talked about marriage and having kids and traveling a great deal. I love him more than anything in the world, and I accept him and his decisions and will always support him, even if that means just being friends.

Sorry for the long post, any advice would be much appreciated.

[Anthony Simon]

My instinct is you need to go and see a counsellor together. Whatever else, he is lying to you and there's no reason to think that he won't go on lying without some sort of reset. Instinctively I think you may need an external mediator for that.

It's just that you've got such a vast amount of stuff, your life, his life, his seemingly flipping from male to female, that I think you may need a trained professional to help you hold it. It's too big to do by yourselves IMHO.

[Diana Michelle]

I concur with Anthony 100% that professional intervention is needed here, both for him to sort out his feelings and desires as well as for your relationship. I am a bit puzzled here though as from some of your comments in one part of your post I presumed you to be CD yet further in you talk about having children which leads me to wonder if you are GG. The fact of your gender has no bearing on the need to talk to a professional however it would be helpful to know to discuss the next steps and understand his and your thought process.

[Anne Bonny]

This is still current. It is very difficult to provide advice because everyone of us is different we are all individuals and the only way to figure it all out is honest communication.

He states he likes being a man...OK. Note Transgender is different than trans sexual. There are many of us who consider ourselves to be transgender but not trans sexual. I can say I know most of the time I am on my masculine side and personally that tells me seeking transition would be a wrong choice for myself and I feel certain about it. That does not mean I do not fantasize about it which is very common frequently we really wish we could be female but I for one know it would never be the correct choice for myself.

So do not be alarmed about search history or possible interest in learning about people who transition it is not the correct choice for everyone. I consider myself to be "gender fluid" because how I feel slides back and forth as does my appearance.

He would have to see a gender therapist to help figure things out if he feels and dresses feminine about 55-60% or more of the time, all the time.

Our emotions and feelings and desires fluctuate from morning to evening day to day what is important is to see where he is over time?

I know I hope to find a woman who is down to earth, fully understanding and accepting. My dream woman would find my dressing attractive and even desire it, encourage it, offer tips and help and who would even desire stepping into the man's role in terms of being the lead in the relationship and in the bedroom sometimes. What does this say about such a woman? Does it say she is liberated and open minded acknowledging full equality in everything? Can this role go back and forth? Does it take a woman who is bi sexual? I don't know. I only know it seems most women would find such a partner not to be compatible with who they are how they see their role, or with conventional sexuality.

I wonder if ... no need to respond to this...but think would you be able to assume the masculine role in the bedroom, I bet he would find it very exciting if you desired him in very feminine sleepwear and were to take the lead in love making while he is in the passive role at times. This could be one reason the sex life has cooled.

He must feel you are 100% attracted to and in love with him and open to where ever he happens to be, being a conventional woman or switching to take the lead when he is presenting more feminine.

He may be asking something of you that you simply cannot be because it is not who you are. I can tell you this may be who he is (desiring the woman's role in the relationship at times and or just wanting to be equal) but it is who he will always be (transgender). You can only be who you are so if you are not ever going to be fully compatible the relationship will drift apart and it may be parting ways rather than trying to be someone you are not is best and you need to find a more conventional man if that is who you are. There are very few women who can accept such a partner. Could be you really love him and at times are able to understand, and tolerate and go along but is that the life you truly want for yourself, if you love him so much ...only you can make that decision.

I also agree seek a professional gender therapist and it is important to find one that fits or someone who hopefully is fully capable and schooled on all of these issues.

One final thought is his sexuality...possibilities are fully heterosexual (I am), bi sexual, homosexual. Could be he is beginning to realize he prefers men, has been in denial and is nieve only now realizing this, or that he is bi, or has bi or homosexual attractions when dressed? Who knows. Now obviously he was interested in you and also felt sexually attracted to you I only know from years of reading on this topic that there is the claim that the vast majority of men who cross dress are heterosexual...who Knows? All I know is that I most definitely am married over 20 years with two sons! The thought of the other direction makes me cringe in skin crawling revulsion so sexuality just is. Sex, gender, and sexuality are all entirely separate things and who you happen to be is like pulling the arm on the slot machine of life...ding! ding! ding! and there you are however the CGTA's aligned when your parents chromosomes came together to make you and the genetic die were cast...Boom!

[HannahRose]

Thank you all for your advice. Just to clairify, I am a heterosexual woman, posting in here for advice about my crossdressing boyfriend. We have played around in the bedroom sexually where I assume the masculine role and he assumes the feminine role. He does really enjoy that. However, in addition to dressing up, that's the only thing that really gets him turned on. So that too is concerning for me.

[Anne Bonny]

Hum...I see. So does he ever have feel and dress masculine? You mean he never seeks at such times to take the lead initiating affecton.... If that is the case... counseling...telling him you also have needs...equal time...If he is not interested yeah...that is a sign you may need to go your way?

[Amanda R]

Interesting situation Hannah. Before I go into my long diatribe have the two of you talked about all of this? I am not talking about the cursory "Yes it is fine you like to wear my clothes Honey" but much deeper. Have you discussed how he feels about all of this going on? Has he discussed where he sees this relationship next week, next month, next year, 5 years from now? Have you told him these things? You state you are a heterosexual female. Have you thought about what happens to the relationship should he desire to live as a female 24/7? What if he desires and eventually has Gender Confirmation Surgery? What becomes of the relationship then?

IMO your BF is exhibiting some TG tendencies however he may or may not be on the highest end of the scale exhibited by the comment about he would only dress 50% of the time regardless of his excuse of just "being lazy." From the sounds of all of it he is quite confused about his gender and in need of therapy to address his issues. Yes couple counseling may also be in order but that is entirely up to you if you want the relationship to continue and go forward. Some of your comments lead me to believe you are beginning to question of whether you desire that.

We have played around in the bedroom sexually where I assume the masculine role and he assumes the feminine role. He does really enjoy that. However, in addition to dressing up, that's the only thing that really gets him turned on. So that too is concerning for me.

As well as it should. I know it would concern most heterosexual women. There is generally a sexual aspect to CDing which may be limited to masturbation as well as going as far as fantasizing what it would be like "from the other side." For most CDs it ends with the fantasy although some will go farther than that. You talk about taking the masculine role. Does that merely mean being the aggressor and taking the top or has it gone beyond that? Most men enjoy the female being the aggressive one from time to time and taking charge so to speak. I know my BF enjoys it when I take that role. However he also enjoys being the "hunter" as well. As for your BF not being "turned on" unless he is dressed or being the "hunted" definitely shows tendencies that he has some deep seated issues with his gender identity. Be they fantasy or something deeper can only be discovered through therapy. You do not say how long this and the "sexual games" have been going on. Is there a correlation here?

You say you love your BF and he loves you however I think we all know couples who "love" each other yet never seem to make it. There is more to a relationship than love. Don't take this the wrong way Hannah but look deep inside and ask what draws you to him. Is it companionship? Security? A great sex life? Are you two truly compatible? In this instance can you accept him as he is now? What if he through the help of a therapist determines he is truly TG and goes forward with transition and even GCS surgery? Do you still see yourself in a relationship with this person? Before you answer any of these questions take a deep breath and truly think about your answer. If you can honestly tell yourself you would like to go forward with him regardless of his gender identity then my recommendation is he seek therapy ASAP and the two of you should seek couples counseling.

[Anthony Simon]

Thank you all for your advice. Just to clairify, I am a heterosexual woman, posting in here for advice about my crossdressing boyfriend.

Well, for certain, it's more than crossdressing - i.e. just about the clothes. It looks like some variety of gender identity shift. This is certainly disturbing:

We have played around in the bedroom sexually where I assume the masculine role and he assumes the feminine role. He does really enjoy that. However, in addition to dressing up, that's the only thing that really gets him turned on. So that too is concerning for me.

A couple of other things.

1) Working in a sensory deprivation tank - like a place where people cut themselves off from the world - sounds like his experience of life until he met you and started to let this stuff out.

2) Leaving the tablet there - because he doubtless knows you after 7 years - sounds like a way to get found out without him having to own consciously that he wants that. The "Free write" document is part of that.

[Diana Michelle]

Both Amanda and Anthony have raised some excellent points here Hannah. Personally I am not sure it is Gender Identity Disorder although there are some potential signs. A therapist would be in a better position to determine that after spending some time with your BF.

Anthony's comparison to a sensory deprivation tank does bear some thought and it is definitely a solid theory. However there is another possibility to be considered as well. Think of a child who has been deprived of ice cream or some other treat for an extended period. Suddenly that item is reintroduced to the child without limits. What generally occurs? It is almost an overdose scenario as they try to make up for lost time. Not saying this is it but just another thing to think about.

[DonnaT]

My instinct is you need to go and see a counsellor together.

Yes, definitely.

Whatever else, he is lying to you and there's no reason to think that he won't go on lying without some sort of reset. Instinctively I think you may need an external mediator for that.

He may be lying, but is it to you or himself, or both!?

Y'all need to find out why he thinks you don't understand him and don't support him and are embarrassed of him. Same for the lower libido, one example, him having a fem identity with no lesbian tendencies.

His increased feminization and desire to get out is understandable, for some of us. He has been locked in a closet, and the door has been opened. The desire to explore is increased, and the more he explores, the more he wants. We call it the pink fog. Gender euphoria.

[Requal Jo]

The advice you are receiving is sound and correct. The common thread is to seek counselling as a couple.

[Ralitsa]

This is almost a month old, so maybe it's too late to offer my observations but I'll do it anyway.

First thing to know Hannah, is that everyone in the world has issues so you need to decide straight away whether this particular set of issues is what you want to deal with, or if you want to roll the dice and hope the next guy is better.
This isn't just going to go away, and one or two conversations where you've both cried and then made up isn't going to resolve it. This is something that will be part of your relationship forever, and you have to think about whether you really can handle that. I have the impression that you haven't really thought through what life will be like in 10 years when he really wants to wear a red velvet dress to the Christmas party.

The next thing, is that you don't understand him, not at all. You might accept him and support him, hopefully you love him, but you don't understand him and don't pretend that you do. Don't feel bad about this, because actually he doesn't understand himself either. At this point, neither one of you understand whats going on, and it's a really good thing that you came here with your concerns. If you're going to go and get offended that you don't understand him, instead of admitting that you don't and then putting in the hard work of figuring it out - don't expect ever to make any progress. As the others have said, it would be best for the two of you to talk with a counsellor who has dealt with this subject and can give you an idea of what to expect.

Another thing, I wouldn't put too much significance on the fact that he was asking a lot of questions about transgenderism, and related issues. As I said, he has no better idea than you where this is going and is trying to figure it out. Nor is it fair for you to expect that he can tell you exactly where this will lead and to already have all the answers. A good counsellor can help you both get a better understanding of the possible paths and help you be a bit more deliberate about choosing the path you prefer.

Lastly, plan to spend a lot of time on this site. Don't think you can just pop in once or twice, get all the answers you want, and then go back to your life. If you're going to have a relationship with this guy, then you will need friends who you can share things with. Most of us would bristle at the suggestion that this is a hobby for us, but it's a useful analogy. If you're SO had a hobby of model trains, for example, you would have to expect that you will be spending a lot of time looking at trains, going to train shops, reading Railroader Magazine, and hanging out with people of similar interests. Similarly, if you stay with this guy, you can expect to spend a lot of time shopping, trying on dresses and shoes, spending a lot of money on matching lingerie, and sharing pictures on this forum.

Good luck with this journey. We are here to help and hope to see you both around here regularly.