living, letter to a girlfriend and mentor of mine

[Anne Bonny]

I am here less...I suppose that is a good thing because it means that I am moving on into living and into being who I am.
Gaw...finally I have a day in the house by myself...not that it is not good to see George. No...even though he will not be here I will be free to wear my dresses and put on my make up and relax around the house all that I desire to. I know unlike you who are a beautiful and natural woman...I am not sure what It is that I am. I may be a natural man...but I am much more at peace and happier as a woman or being able to relax into this part of who I am. I have been watching you tube videos of FTMTF detransitioners and find them to be very interesting. We do share a lot of things. Some moved frequently, had may siblings and always being the new person in whatever new school found theirselves to be outsiders, not part of the tight clicks that are formed by people who have been together since elementary school. Early School is very cruel for a lot of people and I was no different and it leads you to close in on yourself, to feel bad about who you are and to not really like who you are...These things can for some lead them into gender issues especially if they find their selves alone and rejected with no one wanting to be a boy or girl friend. I was also raised with two sisters who were older, and my mother...Dad was there but worked a lot and spent a year in Vietnam...being a loaner I was in an estrogen environment with women dying their hair in their bras, and all that women wear and do...Who knows the origins of my mild withdrawal into feminine passivity? I do however like myself more as a woman and desire the life that I have. being able to groom and relax into being a woman is a wonderful thing for me because this is who I have always been with the problem being no one is willing to understand and accept and encourage me as I am and to take me in and just give me a hug. There is nothing at all wrong if you find yourself as a woman and like who you are inside and if you like how you look ...I do believe I look better as a girl than as a guy not in all aspects of my body but with the right clothing and padding I am able to be a woman physically in a sense. I may dream of top surgery or hormones or bottom surgery but not everyone is meant to transition away from what is there. One of these women lives with the regret that she had a complete hysterectomy, ooforectomy...has an enlarged XXX from the testosterone and thinner damaged hair too when before she talks of her beautiful thick curly hair and beautiful voice and body everyone had to touch and admire her beautiful hair. she loved to sing and now cannot as before because she wanted to be a different person and is though she has de transitioned and is a lesbian she accepts that she got what she wanted. So I do realize liking lots of girl things it is also ok to vegetate and sigh into easing into guy clothes sometimes grudgingly other times not with resignation into my being who I was born as .... Oh well I am sure this is not interesting for you ... the mental rambling of a 63 year old I suppose perverted and dirty old man who used to be married to one of your wonderful aunts. I loved her...but I do regret that I really was not who she thought that I was ...a Man...in full not a man who is not fully a man inside. oh well enough negativity beating myself up over it all...I gave her the man she desired though in later years she learned differently I regret but cannot help being who I am ...never the less I still love and miss her and always will.

I do not regret being a woman...I regret that I was not the fully male man that Pat deserved that I kept it all from her until ...marriage did not make my inner girl go away...7 years in with George and John here I could not get around having to tell her. I strived onward as her husband...being in the role...as the man...but also at times being able to be a girl and dress as one when I was able because I had to be able to. In the privacy of our home on occasion and then dementia began to come...These wrongs for poor Pat who deserved a rock solid man's man and did not deserve to die as her mental capacity waned to the bitter end. I am sad within and hurt the person I loved so much....

I was not worthy of Pat and did not deserve her. True she was not perfect either her mother had messed up her feelings about herself and had made her co dependent to her mothers psychological disfunctioning as a horrible toxic person.

I loved Pat...and will probably never have anyone else who will love me as she did or for me to love as their wife...and husband. yeah...I desire to be able to be a woman with a husband...with some parity...equality....why can we not be two equal lovers of each other sometimes to lead and other times being able to yield being loved and guided by someone who loves us? Is that such a bad thing to desire?