Question for the CDs who had a hard time

[Andrea Elise]

I am playing "catch up" as there are so many posts on the forum I find to be interesting. This really strike a chord within me and I feel that I must answer. I hope I am not just re hashing what has been talked about before. But here goes....

I am now in my early 60's and I have dressed starting when about four years of age.

My family is very religious and there are things that you just don't do lest you spend eternity in hell. One of these is cross dressing. My mother caught me many times and told me that what I was doing was sick and that if I were found out that I would be "put away".

In that time when I grew up, CDing was taboo. As I recall, it was about the same as a child molester / beastiality / etc.

I always felt guilty and ashamed of it. I fought it for years. I denied it. I forced myself to not indulge in it. I purged all of my "things", living in constant fear of being exposed. I struggled with thoughts and fantasies. I could not deal with myself and to this day struggle with this "gift". Suicidal thoughts, my final solution to be free of this curse.

CJ has been very eloquent on this.

Every time I tried to find support I found the same resistance.

It was not until the first of this year that I finally came to the conclusion that I could not change, no matter how hard I tried. That if I must live my life alone to avoid constant persecution, then I would. I broke off the relationship with my SO and she would not give up!

I finally told her how it was, fully expecting rejection and got the exact opposite. We are together and are to be married next month. She has bought me clothing, make up, jewlry, etc. She has seen me "dressed". She accepts me.

Now here we come the part that is driving me crazy. Because I have hidden myself so well, for so long, I can't bring myself to be myself in her company. I have got what I have always dreamed of and I find myself, again, in some limbo of denial.

I almost wish that she would demand that I be dressed. Or that she would expect it at some certain time or something. Or that she wants to help me with makeup, or go shopping or something, anything. But we continue on just as though nothing has changed and, really, nothing has. I feel as though anything on my part would be forcing the issue. So we are back to the old dilemma of communication and the lack of it.

Is it me. Is it her. Us? Is this turning to something that will drive us apart before we ever get a start. That is my only answer that with communication comes trust and comfort. I have not dressed for some time. In writting this I have answered why. There is no comfort in being judged in the eyes of the ones you love. My biggest fear, that of her rejection and loathing.

Many here have expressed these feelings and pain very well. Mine is just another voice.

Could you give us an update? Are things better? Worse? I wish the two of you the best!

Andrea

[DonnaT]

I finally told her how it was, fully expecting rejection and got the exact opposite. We are together and are to be married next month. She has bought me clothing, make up, jewlry, etc. She has seen me "dressed". She accepts me.

Now here we come the part that is driving me crazy. Because I have hidden myself so well, for so long, I can't bring myself to be myself in her company. I have got what I have always dreamed of and I find myself, again, in some limbo of denial.

Do you get other gifts from her, and not use them? Or do you show your appreciation for the gift by its use?

Until you can find self acceptance, then you are going to struggle, which could cause you to resent not having your privacy to dress, etc. etc.

Make yourself dress in her company, even if only a skirt, or a cami top. Be ready to tell her why you are dressed, i.e., trying to overcome your own inhibitions that were drummed into you as a child.

Dressing won't bring about the end of the world.

Maybe it will strain the relationship, maybe it won't. But it sounds like things are already strained on your part. So what can it hurt to try and overcome your inhibitions by dressing in her company!?

Just do it!

[Andrea Elise]

Donna,

I have, probably, too many gifts from her. Time is so short for me these days that using all , or any of them, is hard to do. We even find it hard to watch a movie together because of so little time and our insane schedules.

We are both working far too hard at our jobs and working long hours, bouncing shift schedules and difficult working conditions. When we do have a day or two off, we are both too tired to do much of anything, other than sleep.

My CDing is such a minor part of the stress in our lives. Yet, it is far from minor. Only in perspective to the other insanity in both our lives. 40 year old children who are living in never land, lawsuits and lawyers, broken stuff and on and on.

Ignoring all of the other stuff, I am going to take your advice and do exactly what you suggested. I have to, before I go crazy(ier).

Thank you for your insight. I will let you know, maybe a PM. I get too long winded and I clutter the threads I respond to.

Andrea

[Wendae]

On Jan22nd I said I take a dim view of counselors. I go back tomorrow for my 2nd visit.
Wife gave me a half day to be Wendae. She went shopping with grandaughter. Feels great being dressed and not stressed worrying about someone coming home early. It's so darn humid I really worked up a sweat. Still, life is good!
Added 2 new photos to gallery.

[Andrea Elise]

Donna, I deserve a good rap across the knuckles from you for being a poor student.

Donna said:

Make yourself dress in her company, even if only a skirt, or a cami top. Be ready to tell her why you are dressed, i.e., trying to overcome your own inhibitions that were drummed into you as a child.

I said I would and didn't.

In all of my relationships my SO's complained about me being emotionally closed. Locked up. Never letting anyone close. Now I know why.

How could I? Someone might have found me out! So the CD closes off to the world. CJ said it so well.

Andrea

[Davita]

On a lighter note, Tara...

If that girl of yours starting talking about purging, smack her. Bring her back to reality With our bad thoughts and inability to cope comes a purging of our things. So far it's never worked for any one I know including myself. All it does is costs money to replace all the actual good items.

Tara, if she's desperate to purge, offer to save everything for her so she doesn't toss it. If she takes you up on it, you can get rid of the yucky stuff before you give back her things.

Thanks for being who you are

[Wendae]

Don't purge!!!! You'll regret it for the rest of your life.