Posted: Sun Aug 15, 2010 10:05 pm
I am playing "catch up" as there are so many posts on the forum I find to be interesting. This really strike a chord within me and I feel that I must answer. I hope I am not just re hashing what has been talked about before. But here goes....
I am now in my early 60's and I have dressed starting when about four years of age.
My family is very religious and there are things that you just don't do lest you spend eternity in hell. One of these is cross dressing. My mother caught me many times and told me that what I was doing was sick and that if I were found out that I would be "put away".
In that time when I grew up, CDing was taboo. As I recall, it was about the same as a child molester / beastiality / etc.
I always felt guilty and ashamed of it. I fought it for years. I denied it. I forced myself to not indulge in it. I purged all of my "things", living in constant fear of being exposed. I struggled with thoughts and fantasies. I could not deal with myself and to this day struggle with this "gift". Suicidal thoughts, my final solution to be free of this curse.
CJ has been very eloquent on this.
Every time I tried to find support I found the same resistance.
It was not until the first of this year that I finally came to the conclusion that I could not change, no matter how hard I tried. That if I must live my life alone to avoid constant persecution, then I would. I broke off the relationship with my SO and she would not give up!
I finally told her how it was, fully expecting rejection and got the exact opposite. We are together and are to be married next month. She has bought me clothing, make up, jewlry, etc. She has seen me "dressed". She accepts me.
Now here we come the part that is driving me crazy. Because I have hidden myself so well, for so long, I can't bring myself to be myself in her company. I have got what I have always dreamed of and I find myself, again, in some limbo of denial.
I almost wish that she would demand that I be dressed. Or that she would expect it at some certain time or something. Or that she wants to help me with makeup, or go shopping or something, anything. But we continue on just as though nothing has changed and, really, nothing has. I feel as though anything on my part would be forcing the issue. So we are back to the old dilemma of communication and the lack of it.
Is it me. Is it her. Us? Is this turning to something that will drive us apart before we ever get a start. That is my only answer that with communication comes trust and comfort. I have not dressed for some time. In writting this I have answered why. There is no comfort in being judged in the eyes of the ones you love. My biggest fear, that of her rejection and loathing.
Many here have expressed these feelings and pain very well. Mine is just another voice.
Could you give us an update? Are things better? Worse? I wish the two of you the best!
Andrea
I am now in my early 60's and I have dressed starting when about four years of age.
My family is very religious and there are things that you just don't do lest you spend eternity in hell. One of these is cross dressing. My mother caught me many times and told me that what I was doing was sick and that if I were found out that I would be "put away".
In that time when I grew up, CDing was taboo. As I recall, it was about the same as a child molester / beastiality / etc.
I always felt guilty and ashamed of it. I fought it for years. I denied it. I forced myself to not indulge in it. I purged all of my "things", living in constant fear of being exposed. I struggled with thoughts and fantasies. I could not deal with myself and to this day struggle with this "gift". Suicidal thoughts, my final solution to be free of this curse.
CJ has been very eloquent on this.
Every time I tried to find support I found the same resistance.
It was not until the first of this year that I finally came to the conclusion that I could not change, no matter how hard I tried. That if I must live my life alone to avoid constant persecution, then I would. I broke off the relationship with my SO and she would not give up!
I finally told her how it was, fully expecting rejection and got the exact opposite. We are together and are to be married next month. She has bought me clothing, make up, jewlry, etc. She has seen me "dressed". She accepts me.
Now here we come the part that is driving me crazy. Because I have hidden myself so well, for so long, I can't bring myself to be myself in her company. I have got what I have always dreamed of and I find myself, again, in some limbo of denial.
I almost wish that she would demand that I be dressed. Or that she would expect it at some certain time or something. Or that she wants to help me with makeup, or go shopping or something, anything. But we continue on just as though nothing has changed and, really, nothing has. I feel as though anything on my part would be forcing the issue. So we are back to the old dilemma of communication and the lack of it.
Is it me. Is it her. Us? Is this turning to something that will drive us apart before we ever get a start. That is my only answer that with communication comes trust and comfort. I have not dressed for some time. In writting this I have answered why. There is no comfort in being judged in the eyes of the ones you love. My biggest fear, that of her rejection and loathing.
Many here have expressed these feelings and pain very well. Mine is just another voice.
Could you give us an update? Are things better? Worse? I wish the two of you the best!
Andrea