The End Goal

[Renee N (SO)]

Hi all. This is a question for the CD'ers.

My question is this: When you first started CDing did you have an end goal in mind? (A picture of yourself in your head of what you wanted to look like or how far you wanted to take it) I'm curious how long it took you to reach this goal.

My H is going through a phase of self discovery as we have embarked on this journey. He is trying to decide how far he wants to take his dressing. At times he seems disappointed with himself when finally dressed, like it didn't turn out how he wanted it to. I've told him that it will take time for him to master all of the techniques that go along with transforming into a woman. This process has been hard for me at times but it makes it harder when I see him frustrated. Any advice would be appreciated.

[Leeza]

Renee,

For me when I first started I did not have any goal in mind. Even now I am not sure that I can say I have a goal other than to do the best I can at passing when I am dressed.

In my 30's I was asked at the VA if I had thought about SRS. At that time I told the dr no that I had enough problems without adding that to them. In some ways I had thought about it but had made my decision.

For each of us there seems to be a level that we are comfortable with. Some find that level sooner than others.

I do thik that for all of us (GGs included) there are dayes when we get flustrated trying to get the look we want. Does bad hair dayes ring any bells?

You might remind him that GGs have spent years learning what he is trying to lern in a few "dayes". I really think the fav saying here really applies, "Bay steps". It is better for both of you to move slow as there are things you both need to adjust to and accept. There are probably limits that need to be set from time to time and a whole lot of communication.

I admire you for your effort in trying to help and support him.

Leeza

[DonnaT]

No, no end goal. But I was rather young, and only desired to dress. Well, I guess I did have hopes of dressing better, in something more appropriate for my age, instead of my mom's things, and to have girly hair. In my youth I figured I would look pretty good, all made up.

As I got older, and married, I had no thoughts of dressing fully enfemme, so there were no goals. Until my wife gave me a wig one day. Being an artist I was good with makeup, and the wig was the icing on the cake.

Then goal at that instant was to go out in public, be seen, shop, etc.

[CharLee]

Dear Renee,
I can only speak for myself and in my case in the beginning it was the thrill of wearing the clothes and transforming into a girl. Being the last born in a family of 4 in an Italian household ( the oldest is my sister, with 2 brothers in between ) it was unheard of that I should be anything but a
boy.

Growing up I had to surpress my true feelings and in fact denied them for many many years. I did all the expected boy things, sports, street gangs, joining the army, getting tatoos and finally marrying. All the while still wanting to dress as a girl. In my first marriage that opportunity came when I was off from work and my wife was working. I would dress in her clothes and become the woman I dreamed of being, but still denied my true feelings.

After we divorced and I met my second wife, I told her from the start of my desires to dress as a woman. She has be cool with it for over 26 years as long as I did it in the house when no one was home. However in the last couple of years I have come to realize that it is more than the dressing for me, I now have accepted the fact that I would really rather be a woman than a man and told her so. As you might expect this didn't sit too well with her and we had a bumpy ride for a while.

After many heartfelt and open and honest discussions we have come to an agreement. I can dress as often and whenever I want in the house until she has had enough of CharLee, then I change back into drab. She has no problem with me going out in public en femme but she doesn't go with me except to my support group meetings.

So in essence all you can do is be there for him, support him in a way that you are comfortable with and help him in his journey in any way you can. I hope for the two of you that you can come up with a plan that works for you.


CharLee

[Virginia]

Hi Renee,

First, again I think it is great that you support your SO's "other-self." As long as you are not threatened or challenged by this "other woman," it speaks well for your own self-awareness and respect for yourself. That is a nice characteristic to have for anyone.

Generally, a lot of us are like GG's that have that "bad hair day" so to speak. There have been times when I look in the mirror and have told myself, this is all wrong and out comes the cold cream and make=up remover and start all over. What I have found works for me is to pick out my outfit first and then make-up to the outfit.

There is, for me, no "end goal." The challenge is to keep my ego in check and continually tell myself that I am not a 25 year old sex kitten/super-model. That my style is "conservatively sexy." I also remind myself that when I go out and if I get read, I am an ambassador for all my sisters and that presenting as a woman does not change anything and I will handle any "situation" with the style and grace of a lady!!!

I guess I have one major thing in my favor and that is, as I am fond of saying, "I am Virginia and Virginia is me." I have found "the Balance" in my life and whatever I am presents as I should in whatever situation I find myself.

I hope you will continue to support you SO and as our motto here states. "baby steps just baby steps" and that refers to all aspects of our life. Learn make-up, learn proper dress, learn and PRACTICE presentation.

These is much beyond this but its a start!

Love,

Virginia

[Lily]

Oh, I wish I could help but I get disappointed when I'm dressing all the time. I just have to try again.
But I don't have an end goal. I just know when I am in dress I my heart feels lighter. The little things that bother me when I'm in my everyday life don't bother me and I'm relaxed.

That's why I dress. I don't need to think about the end goal. I just feel better.

[Absaroka]

I don't have an end goal. It's a nice fantasy that I'd look like a woman and go out sometime, but the truth is I like my beard and don't want to shave it off. So I content myself with wearing my clothes around the house or on long drives or walks in the woods where I won't be noticed. Since I don't think my wife would enjoy any of this I don't involve her.

It's nice of you to be so supportive of your husband and I hope he reciprocates.

Zari

[Jabbela]

I can fully understand, what you feel, when you see your husband disappointed, when he got dressed. Well... sometimes I am also a bit disappointed about my femme appearance. Often the desire to dress is stronger than the will to do it for best results. Of course my passing is poor when i haven't recently shaved and applied camouflage and makeup. But sometimes I go for it, just to have more time I can spend in femme clothing.

On the other hand: be true! how often are women really glad about the way they look like? One can see the bones through the skin, but anyway "she" is much too fat. So when it is already hard for women to be happy the way they look, how much harder this will be for CDers, who possibly might really look masculine. Many woman "compare" their look with super-models and fail. Maybe even more CDers compare their appearance to models and fail even more. It takes a lot of time to find the right style and get happy with the way we look when dressed.

With me, even when I am a bit disappointed when dressed, i am anyway lucky to be femme. In addition to this I am more than happy, that I can share this with my SO.

The one thing, that is almost a ruin to my desire is, that my SO compares her look to mine - hmm... and often she is sad as in her eyes I look better than her. Well... then I get disappointed, because I think I am too selfish to dress while I am not respecting her emotions toward her look.

[CJ]

Hi all,

Renée (a name which, by the way, In French means "reborn"),

Your question is how we pictured ourselves when we first started dressing up. For many of us, I think this happened pretty early in our lives. I hadn't yet seen my seventh summer when I first put on my mother's clothes--and knew this to be wrong. So, honestly, my first end goal was to be a little boy who did not want to do something like this. However, my shame, guilt, and fear were not strong enough to overcome my overpowering desire to slip into my mother's (and, later, our live-in housekeepers') silky things.

For me, it was chaotic. There was no direction I was aiming for in particular. I just knew that 1) it felt good--and, for me, at that age, it was non-sexual--and, 2) I wanted to explore this more and more. In fact, it was beyond me not to do so. But, given all the negative feelings I was also experiencing--again, at that age--in regard to the activity, I felt like a blind boy trying to figure out the size of the room I was standing in by feeling along the walls and that those walls were, at the same time, searingly hot. It was a very bittersweet time in my life, to say the least (and just a little more bitter than sweet).

As I neared my teens, yes, I did have a picture of the kind of girl I wanted to be (or, at the very least, to look like) and that was, surprise! my mother. My mother was a knockout; beautiful, sexy, and alluring. There was no doubt in my mind that if there was ever a chance that I lived in a universe where magic held sway, I'd grow up to look like my mother. And there's the rub, Renée. I think that many crossdressers are influenced, in their "presentation goal," by the females that mattered most in their youth, especially by their mothers. Either that, or by the dictates of feminine fashion popular in their youth. In my case, as a five year old boy in the mid-60s, this meant growing up with girdles, stockings, slips, pantyhose, mini skirts, and vinyl knee-length high-heeled boots. Corsets, longline bras, garter belts, and the Dior look were on the way out but still held some fascination for me. A disclaimer: I never, ever pictured myself with a beehive hairdo, I swear.

I guess you could construe this cleaving to youthful allures and pleasures to be an arrested development of sorts. But, hey, that's not unusual; everybody, transgender or not, sort of does that to some extent. Ask your DH what fashion era he prefers and there's a likelihood that he'll be able to sketch you an answer as to your question regarding his presentation goals... not necessarily, but quite possibly. In what way did he "Cherchez La Femme" when he was young? Chances are, this type of womanhood or femininity will underlie his presentation quest.

Good luck in your explorations, both of you.

Love,
CJ

[Carol Ann]

End Goal?,
I guess I have gone as far as one can go other then SRS which has never enter my mine.

Like a lot of us I have the best of both worlds, I have gone out a zillion times, partys, but never to a club or bar not my thing. Yes I have even been pick up by a man once at a party even have been kissed.

I dress everyday and could go full time but the wife ask me not to. I really have gone as far as a stright CD'er can.

[Angela]

My goal was always to create a passable feminine appearance and to live full time as a woman. I've managed the first part successfully and I plan to to put the second part of my "master plan" into operation as soon as I can retire. I can't wait to live fully as the woman I know I've always been.

[Wendae]

Never started with an end goal. At one time I thought of SRS back in the dark ages. Now I just like to dress as fem as I can. Now I don't wish to dress that way 24/7 if I had that option. I just want to be dressed to one degree or another when opertunity presents it's self or as I feel like it.

[Anita]

Hi Renee--
No, no end goal. When I saw that I was going to seriously start doing this at 49, I had no idea how I would look. I had to buy the the wig, the shoes, and all the clothing, and trust that somehow it would all come together. Of all the things I've done in life, this one was all about "living in the now," at the beginning. I had to take it a step at a time.

But unlike other plans, goals, or activities, I could see that female identity was going to happen no matter what. It could be "good," it could be "bad," or something unknown, but I was still going to be doing it. That was sobering; I'd never run into anything quite like that before.

[Gillian]

I find that life is a journey, and not a distination. We all have our side trips off of the main highway. On holidays with the family, I liked to have lots of side trips to help cure the "are we there yet" question. My SO had many questions about my CDing, and I didn't really have an answer to alot of them. Are we loving and accepting of each other, Yes. Neither of us are perfect, are there bumps and detours on the road of life, Yes. We are enjoying each other, faults and all. The journey has been good so far, and it is getting better as the days go by. I think that the last question that anyone wants to hear is "are we there yet".

[Absaroka]

I'd amend my previous reply to say that though there is no end goal and derinitely I am not about to pass, that I still seem to have aquired a wardrobe that reflects a persona for me, a couple of them actually. It wasn't what I set out to do, more like something I discovered I had done.

Zari