Help please - Daughter of a Crossdresser

[Pixie(F)]

I'm sure you guys get tired of hearing these stories, but if even just one person could give me some advice, steer me in the right direction... it would greatly be appreciated.

I am 22 and about to graduate with a Bachelor’s Degree. This exciting time of my life is being poisoned by escalating family problems caused by my father’s cross-dressing.

The history: I live with my father and stepmother, I have no other family. As an only child who has never met her mother, grandparents or anything, my relationship with my only biological relative, my father, is important to me. I was definitely a “daddy’s girl” while growing up. My parents are older than most, dad is 72 and has severe emphysema. He is on 24-7 oxygen and, as this is a degenerative condition, will die sooner rather than later.

As if his condition has not been enough to bear for the past few years, it has slowly become obvious to me that my father is a cross-dresser. My dad has always been “weird” but I am also eccentric and we got along just fine. When I was a child I never saw a pair of boxers or men’s underwear or men’s socks around the house. A few times I saw my father cutting out pictures of women in lingerie from catalogs. He worked in marketing before he became too sick to work so he explained this to young me as “something for work” and I completely bought it. As I got older, I found porn and sex toys and these lingerie clippings in my father’s things, but I just assumed he was heterosexually masturbating to it and I was merely amused.

Long story short, I began to find indisputable evidence of my father’s ways. I hugged him one day and could feel his bra straps. I found his lingerie in the basement, where all this would occur. He had buckets full of Vouge, Cosmo, Elle, etc magazines. In his older age, he now wears ridiculously strong women’s perfume. I do not allow my friends/boyfriend anywhere near my father for this reason. My stepmother, a relatively conservative person, began talking to me about all this for the past couple years, something that makes me extremely uncomfortable, but I allow it. She has been in my life since I was 3 and we are now very close. She has nobody else to talk to, no friends, no job, never leaves the house except to grocery shop with me, so I imagine she needs to vent.

I have extreme amounts of guilt for what I unknowingly put her through in my later teen years. My boyfriend at the time and I would dress up (mildly, nothing too shocking) and go to local “fetish shows” just for kicks and I liked goth clubs/concerts and the like. I enjoyed being “different” and like many teenagers, enjoyed rebelling against her wishes. I see now why that hurt her so much, since she was dealing with my father being, in her mind, a “freak” and now me at the same time. I grew out of these clothing trends for the most part. I will never be girly or feminine but at least I don’t freak her out anymore. What kills me, however, is I used to be proud of who I was and now I look at my former “deviance” as somewhat disgusting, because I am so disgusted with my father. I used to advocate for gay rights, I would preach about how everyone had the right to do what makes them happy, as long as they didn’t hurt anyone else, etc. Now I just feel like a hypocrite and a liar because I am taking my father’s cross-dressing so poorly. I am not religious at all so I feel like logically, I have no reason to have a problem with it, but I do.
He does not know I know and I’m sure would go crazy if he knew my stepmother told me. We are living on a very limited income, just their social security checks and what I make working for minimum wage during school. It angers me that he buys himself $50 Victoria’s Secret bras, lingerie, fancy perfumes and soaps while my stepmother exists on $1 shampoo, K-mart bras, crappy lotions and struggles to even feel like a woman. The guilt, shame and anger I harbor inside is ruining my relationship with my father in his final years, who used to be my world, my hero. He used to smell like brute aftershave and cigarettes, a unique combination I enjoyed when I hugged him. Now I can’t even stand for him to touch my hand, as he smells like a hooker and I can feel the greasy lotion on his skin.

I don’t know how to deal with this without tearing what semblance of a family I have left apart. Has anyone else here been through this? Does it get easier? Sorry this got to be so long, I felt the need to fully explain.

[KimberlyS]

Pixie, this is why many of us are here to try and help others as we have been helped. Hopefully we can answer your questions and hopefully help you get though this. I am a believer that open communication can help people get through a lot of issues if all involved will communicate openly. It will not happen over night and will not be quick, but communication when it is open and honest can help people together get through a lot of issues. But it has to be open and honest from all parties to be affective. Sometimes getting a professional involved is a big help also. As they can identify issues that may not be seen from those directly involved and help you deal with those issues also. Do make sure you get one that has dealt with some CD/TG issues.

Good luck and look forward to hearing how it goes.

kimbelys-cd
joe in a skirt

[Kimberly Kael]

You're certainly dealing with a lot of emotional and intellectual challenges in a less than ideal situation. Hopefully some of the insights forum members provide will be helpful, but there really isn't an "answer." Just observations and an opportunity for you to improve the situation in whatever way feels right for you. So on with the observations:

Your father has probably been hiding his interest in feminine trappings for a very, very long time. While it isn't universal, it's pretty common for cross-dressers to face an innate desire that runs counter to everything their culture tells them about how they should behave. A lifetime of habitually hiding something is not easily broken, and it certainly won't be changed through shame or guilt. It's almost a given that he experiences both and that's why he hides it. As KimberlyS suggests (sorry about the back-to-back Kimberlys), the only way to start changing things is through open and honest engagement. He'll fall back on old habits extremely easily, but it's only once he learns to trust someone else he respects that he has any chance of breaking the guilt cycle.

Shame and guilt result in irrational behavior. Spending money your family can ill afford is a byproduct of hiding his interest. If it was the kind of hobby he shared with everyone around him he'd be able to reason about it differently but if he believes what society tells him, that he's doing something wrong, then it doesn't appear to make things any worse to compound it with other inappropriate behavior - like not tracking his spending or budgeting it like a normal part of the household's expenses.

There's probably no "cure." The psychiatric community has decades of experience trying and failing to treat atypical gender identities as a disfunction with a root cause that can be discovered and treated. With some exceptions, as a professional body they've largely concluded that it's a normal part of human variation and that trying to change it only creates stresses that lead to real problems. There are obvious parallels to attempts to alter someone's sexual orientation, though the two aren't directly related. It's possible your father's behavior is a sign of something else but odds are his atypical gender expression comes naturally and it's healthy for him to express it. The fact that it's generally not considered socially acceptable complicates things significantly.

Trashy forms of dress, perfume, and makeup are largely signs of inexperience. A lot of young girls go through a phase where they're trying to be feminine and they over-do it. It's pretty much expected and eventually they learn better judgement and develop the necessary skills to pick out more tasteful clothing and apply beauty products with considerably more subtlety. The problem with cross-dressing is that it's done in secret with no feedback and little opportunity to practice, so it tends to be done badly. It may not be what you want to hear, but the best way to improve your father's odor and texture may be to have someone provide some constructive feedback on how to do a better job of what he's evidently set on doing.

How you and your mother-in-law can approach the subject is something only you can answer. Either one or both of you can reach out and start the conversation, but if nobody does then chances are you won't make any significant progress in understanding or evolving his behavioral patterns. I know it's frustrating and stressful, and his lifetime of bad habits doesn't make it any easier. Good luck and keep asking questions!

[Anthony Simon]

There's a line in the CDing movie Some Like It Hot (quoted here by Paula recently): "Nobody's perfect" which covers some of your problems. Like your father turns out to be much less than the masculine figure you thought he was - and you turn out to be less than moral exemplar that you thought you were. But then there's also the fact of his physical decline - that's another step away from the idea you had of him as your hero - and physical decline in someone you care about is hard to cope with per se (In my experience). One tends to not want to see, to recoil, to hold onto one's previous image of the person. It's possible that that's playing into your experience of disgust with your father.

With a substantial proportion of crossdressers (I'm one), dressing up can be a way of warding off tension. It is therefore possible that your father has intensified his CDing with the advance of his physical decline (and eventual death). Like it could be his way of coping with it (I assume he's no longer allowed to smoke which might also have contributed). With the bra straps and the perfume, it may be that that intensification has forced you to see what he is. In which case, in a way, he's ended up giving his stress to you. That also might be why your stepmother has needed to talk to you - as a way of coping. I think you could probably do with seeing someone professional under these conditions, just to sort things out, but if money is tight...

The way you write, I doubt that you have much to blame yourself for in your teenage goth etc. stuff. It's easy when your isolated (and you do sound pretty isolated) to beat yourself up for no particular reason. As you present it, your stepmother is rather dependent on you as well - so, at the time when, normally, you'd be setting up your own life you're getting sucked backwards in terms of relationships. That must be quite hard - and, again, might account for some of your antagonism towards your father. For his physical decline is bringing it about.

[Pixie(F)]

Kimberly K, I found your suggestion that he is going through a "teenage girl" phase rather interesting. I don't think I myself am capable of guiding his womanly ways, and my stepmother definitely won't. If you believe that this would help him, however, I would be perfectly happy to let somebody else assist him with these things. However, I have no idea where to find this kind of adviser.

Professional help was mentioned and I would love such a thing, unfortunately it is simply not within the budget currently. Does anyone know if typical health insurance covers psychological issues? I have a job lined up and eventually will have health care through my employer, but I have no idea how this works. Also, are there any resources for finding a professional who is used to dealing with these issues?

Anthony, I am rather isolated, especially in dealing with the most salient issues in my life, and that's why I came here. I truly want to achieve a better understanding of cross dressing and cross dresser, and hopefully begin to have a relationship with my father again.

Thanks so much for listening everyone, I was afraid my coming out of nowhere with this wouldn't be welcomed.

[Kimberly Kael]

I don't think I myself am capable of guiding his womanly ways, and my stepmother definitely won't. If you believe that this would help him, however, I would be perfectly happy to let somebody else assist him with these things. However, I have no idea where to find this kind of adviser.

If the women who love him won't help, why would you expect any else to? I realize that your emotional connection and the realization that he's not who you thought he was does complicate things and I'm not surprised your initial inclination is to have nothing to do with his feminine expression. Feeling deceived and hurt is extremely common among parents, children, and partners of cross-dressers - and not without reason. He has kept up a pretense all these years, after all. Just keep in mind that he wasn't really given a lot of choice in the matter by society.

You might be able to find a local group of people dealing with gender issues for him to attend. Perhaps you'll luck into someone who feels enough empathy to help out, but keep in mind that a lot of transgender folk are very much absorbed in their own challenges and even those that mean well may not have much more experience themselves. Someone who has lived as a woman their entire life is typically a much better guide.

Professional help was mentioned and I would love such a thing, unfortunately it is simply not within the budget currently. Does anyone know if typical health insurance covers psychological issues?

Therapy coverage varies a lot so you'd need to check the specific insurance plan. A lot of plans have specific exclusions for gender dysphoria, sadly, but you can usually find a therapist who will describe the work as focusing on another issue, like depression, that is covered. Some communities have counseling services available for low-income households. I'd suggest inquiring with any LGBT support organizations in your area for recommendations.

Thanks so much for listening everyone, I was afraid my coming out of nowhere with this wouldn't be welcomed.

I do hope we're able to provide at least some of the information you were hoping to find. This site serves a lot of different needs and yours should definitely be among them.

[DonnaT]

Hi Pixie, to the forum.

The only way your going to get rid of the burdens of guilt and anger, is through communication with your folks. If you feel sorry for how things have been between you and your step mother, tell her so, even if it was a phase many other teenagers also go through. She probably realizes that it was a phase and harbors no ill-will, but if it helps you, then do it.

Note that CDing is an innate characteristic of many, many, men and women. Nothing you say or do will change that. No one, I repeat, no one, should feel guilt or shame for their, or anyone else's, need to cross dress.

Is professional help needed? Not in my opinion. Just sit down with your dad and talk to him. Tell him you've been aware of his needs for many years due to the tell-tale signs around you. Don't tell him your step mother said anything to you.

You stated you didn't think you would capable of guiding his womanly ways. I think you underestimate yourself. You have issue with some things, and it seems easy enough to explain to your dad how these things can be corrected. Note that he has probably been doing this well before you were born, and managed to do so in a way that it didn't smack you in the face. He can be guided back in that direction, provided his mental faculties haven't degraded.

If you had a daughter, how would you guide her?

For example, his overbearing perfume. Maybe his age or emphysema has affected his sense of smell? Ask him how he applies his perfume, and explain to him how perfume should be applied, if he is doing it wrong. If it's the perfume itself that is too strong, get him one with a light scent.

Also, it's possible that he is using too many products that have different conflicting scents. Find out what products he is using, and guide him in using better ones.

You say his skin feels greasy? Find out what he is using and try a little yourself. If it absorbs into the skin or dries satisfactorily, he's probably using too much. If not, then suggest a better one. Explain to him that if his skin is greasy, it will get on his clothes, other peoples clothes and the furniture/bedding, and possibly ruin these items.

You may have to step out of your comfort zone, but it's seems like a necessity if you want your relationship with your dad to improve once again. And you may find your comfort zone expanding, and your feeling of disgust abated.

There is nothing morally or mentally wrong with being a cross dresser.

[Kimberly Kael]

Is professional help needed? Not in my opinion.

I agree it's not necessary, but it could still be valuable. There's nothing wrong with getting a chance to talk to someone who is a professional listener. I think everyone should have the luxury of discussing the parts of their lives that they don't feel comfortable talking to others about in a therapeutic setting. On the other hand, you should not expect professional help to change who he is, or to act as a substitute for rebuilding healthy relationships within his own family.

Just sit down with your dad and talk to him.

Now that I can agree with 100%. Nothing else you can do is a substitute for engaging meaningfully with your father, and directly addressing the elephant in the room will ultimately bring you closer together if you approach the issue in a positive, constructive manner.

[Pixie(F)]

To clarify, I am only interested in a professional to help me with the enormous amount of issues I feel I have due to this (as well as other factors in my life). I am not trying to find this kind of help for my father and I'm definitely not trying to change him.

I was raised to believe in everyone's right to express themselves and be who they are, especially within the confines of their own house, beliefs I still feel hold true. For this reason, I am surprised I'm having such a hard time with this.

I want to be able to help my dad but a giant roadblock is just telling him that I'm even aware of all this. For some reason I feel as though this confession will hurt him. I know that may sound odd, but I know he will be even more uncomfortable with the conversation than I will, and I would hate to make him feel embarrassed or ashamed. Also, I really need to get into a better state of understanding before I talk about this with him. Typing to strangers I find is easy, but when I go to actually talk aloud, the words just don't come out.

[Anthony Simon]

Anthony, I am rather isolated, especially in dealing with the most salient issues in my life, and that's why I came here. I truly want to achieve a better understanding of cross dressing and cross dresser, and hopefully begin to have a relationship with my father again.

Well, just by coming here - and sharing these very fraught issues - you're going to have reduced the isolation. But it's a process, a negotiation with yourself, with the people around you - and a finding of the resources available both within yourself and from others.

Thanks so much for listening everyone, I was afraid my coming out of nowhere with this wouldn't be welcomed.

Like Kimberley said, it's absolutely part of what this place is here for. On the question of professional help, it sounds like you want someone to act as a cutout for the enormous amount of stuff on your mind so that you can come to some sort of understanding of just exactly where you are with your dad. And then decide what you're going to do.

[Carly]

Pixie,
Maybe you could find another way of bringing up the subject. Dropping hints of your acceptance ( if you are going to be accepting, if not I think the subject should be left alone) might slowly prepare you father to talk. My daughter doesn't know but if she did it would be a large burden lifted from me if she supported me. Not pushing me one way or the other but acknowledging that I am the same person I always was and this part of my personality is part of the whole person I always was. I wish you and your father well. Try to get to a place where he know you love and accept him as he is.

[Davita]

Pixie, hi. sorry our first encounter has to be under your circumstances.

The quickie for professional help... Churches offer a variety of support services and can include family counseling. Naturally, they are discrete. They don't have to agree or disagree with the dressing; they will be / should be helping to get communications going and to help everyone work through the issues. If not a church, there should be other organizations that can offer free/inexpensive support.

Dad and his life expectancy... At this point, how much do you think he really cares who knows or not. When he goes, you will know all about it anyway, once you have to go through his things. Maybe he's not wanting to broach it, but he knows you're going to know sooner or later. And we're back to communication... If he knows you know, then you can tell him what you don't like about it -- the spending of limited funds, how it makes your step mom feel, etc. If you need him to stop spending money, he's not going to until you say something. If he cares for you and your step mom, he needs to hear what he's causing. He may not be able to stop or want to stop, but once you start talking and things come out, then you can start working on comprises. If he doesn't want to place nice with others, then you have a definite answer and you can make decisions from that. Until you guys are talking your next steps are kind of limited.

You and being Goth and other times in your life. No reason to feel guilty about having a life and enjoying it. Until you become responsible for anyone else, now's the time to take advantage. You didn't do anything particularly unique; all of us have had a crazy moment or two. We all have managed to be "special". We all find our path to growing up.

[Absaroka]

Pixie I wouldn't beat yourself up for the teenage phase you went through a few years ago. I'm wondering if the anger and guilt has more to do with your father dying more than anything else. Having watched my mom die of CPOD I know that this is a difficult thing to go through.

.

I've got two daughters, one about your age and one a few years younger. I wouldn't impose my CDing on either of them. I sounds like sex is mixed up in this if you have a man in his 70's wearing VS. Dealing with his sex life out in the open is also not something children like to deal with in their parents. It may be that as your father deteriorate he is less able to keep proper boundaries in place.

I thought it was interesting when you said that when you thought finding things like lingerie were just things he liked to jerk off with it was okay, but his being a crossdresser is not.

As someone who has had both parents die, I'm going to give you some perhaps blunt advice. Be a tad harsh with yourself. Remind yourself that your dad, who you love, is dying. I know that you are already doing this and that you are quite upset with yourself. Can you use that guilt and sadness as a vehicle for change?

Ways to do this. You could find some sort of a group for crossdressers and attend the social functions. In a lot of towns the local gay club has crossdressing nights. Get familiar with some of the people there. But on the other hand, if they are about partying in a dress maybe they will just piss you off further. Still maybe you will be able to talk to someone.

You're about to graduate college. Maybe before you do you can pay a visit to the college mental health center and ask them for referrals about various groups.

There also may be a group for people who's parents are dying. It might be more helpful. Plenty of parents do other things to upset their grown children at the end of life, and lots of people have their secrets brought out at that time. The issue may not be the exact secret, but the coming to accept the warts of the dying parent.

Hang in there. Remember that you do in fact love your father. This was a man who at one time might have run into a burning building to get you, and vice a versa. Remember that and conduct yourself accordingly. This is probably the most important thing for you to focus on. It's what I was told repeatedly to remember when my eldest daughter was going through her rebellious pain in the backside teenager phase. We now once more get along well.

I am truly sorry for what you are going through. Watching our parents die is a very painful thing, although less painful than them having to watch us die.

Take care
Zari

[KimberlyS]

....I want to be able to help my dad but a giant roadblock is just telling him that I'm even aware of all this. For some reason I feel as though this confession will hurt him. .

Pixie, maybe you could let him know in a way that is not threating to him. Maybe you could tell him something like:

Dad I love you and proud of you as a father. If you ever have anything to tell me I am very open minded. I am old enough to understand and deal with a lot of things. I will always be here for you.

Then pause and move on to another topic.

Another thing you could do is bring up a story you read about of a CDer dad and family. You could voice your support for that dad and the family. You could then just go on with another topic or ask him what he thinks of the story.

Good luck with what you decide to do.

[Paula G]

Pixie, I have nothing to offer except sympathy. I am sure that the advise you are getting from other members here is good, talking is almost always better than not talking, but I am not going to add any more advise to your burden, I just want you to know that you do have friends (even if you haven't met any of us) who care about you and your family. I have heard it said that is OK for a man to be a cross dresser, quite a different matter for your man to be a crossdresser. To any woman their father is not just a man, or her man he is THE MAN