Help please - Daughter of a Crossdresser

[Anita]

Hi Pixie—
Usually we would say to take baby steps in resolving something like this, but your father’s illness makes it harder to do that.

It’s not a given that you’ll ever see your father dressed. You might work out some of this just talking about it, and it may not go any further than that.

What can be really awkward about this is getting used to a new appearance, and sometimes a new way of acting when he’s dressed. This can be embarrassing for both of you. He’s never presented this side of himself to anyone else, so he has no practice at it. Some of us here don’t change behavior at all—we’re still the same person. But if we’re wearing a dress and make-up, we’re not going to look the same at all, and it takes getting used to.

I do change behavior, myself, and some of the changes surprised even me. I got used to this new self by going out in public and interacting with people that I didn’t know—store clerks, or people I’d meet in clubs. It let me practice how I was going to present myself to friends and family.

But your dad doesn’t have this luxury. You’re going to be the first person he’s ‘met.’ And he’ll have to learn who he is as he goes along. This is just tough, on him, and on you.

If you can endure some really rough going in the first couple of encounters, there can be some real rewards in getting to know this ‘new’ person. But there can be a steep hill to climb in getting to those rewards. Try to give him at least two chances, if you decide to go this route.

[Ginny Jones]

Pixie - I really wanted to reach out in response to your post but found that my sisters had already made such a stirling job - I felt I had very little to offer! Your situation has been clanging around in my head for some days now and last night I expressed an opinion to a friend and then found myself thinking of you. So I'll reiterate my opinion.

I believe that as humans, our dearest wish is for the people who love us to really know us! I believe this because if they don't know us, how can they really love us.

You strike me as an honest, sincere, intelligent woman - great qualities and I wish you all the best!
Ginny x

[Paulette]

Hello Pixie,

Sounds like one of the hardest things you're facing is not your father's CD, but your own reaction to it, and now to him. It seems to go against everything you believed and stood up for, and admitting that alone is quite hard.

I don't think you are what you fear you might be: a hypocrite; just someone who's found that their principles reached farther and are more immediately personal than you thought they would. Every principled person hits that wall if they are at all intelligent and of the world. It's difficult, but you have a lot of (wonderful) company.

When I told my son (he was 42, I was 71) he took it better than I thought he would, and better than I hoped. Yes, it's changed our relationship, but not for the better or worse. There's simply more that we share now, even if we rarely talk about it.

Be strong. I wish you all the luck in the world.

Paulette

[Ralitsa]

I guess this thread is a few months old, but I will throw in my observations anyway.

This looks to me like the classic situation of everybody refusing to say what they want from fear of offending someone, and consequently being offended themselves.
Pixie is upset that her father is hiding this, and demonstrating such poor taste in styles, and that her step-mother is upset about it;
Father is uncomfortable about it and hiding it becausehis wife and Pixie are upset about it, and as he has no good advice we cannot wonder about his poor taste;
Wife/stepmother is upset because she doesn't understand the situation, is afraid to discuss it, and knows that everyone else is uncomfortable about it.
It is the classic stand-off.
So the longer this situation continues the worse it gets. And I would suggest that dealing with it carefully will not solve it, some drastic step needs to be taken to blow it wide open and get it over with.
The 3 people involved are all too emotionally invested in the situation to handle it rationally, so a 4th person is needed to bring up the subject and moderate the discussion. I would suggest that 4th person be a crossdresser himself who understands the issues and also can sympathize with, and gain the confidence of the other 3.

[Paulette]

So much good advice! But I'm also sure that some of it isn't on target, or not what you need just now. You seem to be mature enough to sort it out, so I'll offer a few more thoughts for you to cull through. Please ignore this if it doesn't ring a bell for you.

If your father is close to the end of his life and knows it and feels it, then you may need to think of this as his primary issue - yours and your step-moms too, with everything else being secondary to that.

I helped my wife through her last years - ten years of congestive heart failure, 24/7 oxygen, diabetes, loss of vision, kidney failure, and gradual loss of one of the finest minds I ever knew. This was after 40 years of a rocky but loving and supportive marriage. When all else was gone, I helped her die, with dignity and as free as was possible of pain.

We lived in Oregon where, under extreme conditions and with a doctor's guidance, this is legal. You may not be at that point or want that help ever, but you and your father may indeed benefit from the help an experienced end-of-life counselor can provide.

People grieve for their own impending death and for their impending loss of self, whether they are religious or not and whether they believe in an afterlife or not. Helping and allowing him (and your step-mom) to come to terms with this, at whatever level or type of understanding they can manage or cope with, is one of the most important things you can do. My son helped me and his mother through her death when she could no longer deal with the pain and her own mind and body's rebellion, and it was more and more difficult for me (I'm 72) to cope with managing her care.

Get in touch with an outfit called Compassion and Choices (used to be the Hemlock Society) and see if they offer or can recommend counseling services near you. It's usually free. I'm not suggesting that you consider anything other than counseling, and that only from someone who has been there many times before.

Realize too, that you are under incredible pressure and need to care for yourself. A good counselor can help with this as well.

I wish you peace, acceptance, and forgiveness with your father. This may be much more important than understanding or resolution.

Please don't hesitate to write to me if I can be of any help at all.

[Kittie]

I share with you
I am a 77 yr old CDr who has tols his wife & daughter but not sons
It is a normal thing for us CDrs

[Azurielle]

ThHonest hugs and talk are the way to go. Sometimes an "It's alright, we're together" can do a world of good for both of you.