Advice for Mother of a teen CD (

[Anita]

I'd like to strike a middle ground with this. If you read the 'beginning' stories, you'll see that some of us write about a sexual component, usually beginning at adolescence. How it plays out during the life of a CD/TS can vary. I'd say the more it becomes a part of everyday life, which can include going out, the less important the sexual side becomes. But even for women I know that have transitioned and live full time, some started as CDs, and sex was a part of it for them.

[JillianJamison(F)]

Hi Everyone, when I was reading back through my postings of the other day and all your kind responses, I realized this does not paint a very flattering picture of me or my son. To read what I wrote one might conclude that all my son and I do is sit around and discuss/debate bras and the size of his breasts, when in fact nothing could be further from the truth. Consequently, I thought I’d give some quick background into our situation.

As I indicated in my previous post, I “caught” my son dressing about a year ago. I had suspected he was experimenting with my lingerie prior to that time, but I chose to ignore the situation since I did not see any great harm being done to my things, nor did I want to cause him undue angst.
The day I “caught” him was a day I was supposed to be gone until late in the evening, but plans changed and I popped home in the middle of the day and there he was. Of course this lead to some tense and emotional moments over the next couple of days, but once he understood my unconditional love and willingness to support him, within reason, things have been pretty “normal”. Some of the things we agree to for our mutual comfort were:
• He does not tell anyone but me about his dressing for now
• Other than panties, no clearly feminine under or outer garments should be worn outside the house.
• Inside the house as long as he’s alone or its just him and me, he may dress as he pleases, keeping within the bounds of typically modest dress. (i.e. I don’t run around the house in only my underwear and neither should he). The only exception to this was the issue of breast size which is what started this whole post.
• He was permitted to get both ears pierced and to grow his hair longer so that when he chooses, he can wear it in a somewhat more feminine style (again – to be done at home not outside).
• Wearing make-up is also permitted at home.
• That either of us could respectfully speak to the other with questions and/or concerns about this or any other topic.

Again, other than this recent discussion of breast size and our mutually agreed upon solution, things have been very good at home. I’d say that about 20% of the time at home, he’s in “male” mode, though I assume even then he’s wearing panties since I don’t see any male underwear in the laundry. The rest of the time he’s in female mode with bra and breast forms, and he may or may not be wearing make –up, earrings, styled hair, or feminine/androgynous outerwear.

He is ambivalent/confused about his orientation, but he feels he may be bisexual. He’s had a girlfriend, but I’m pretty sure there was no full-on sex, and he has had no experience with another boy. He admits to sometimes fantasizing about sex with a boy, especially when he’s in female mode, but he also thinks about girls when in female mode.

So, that’s a more detailed sketch of us. The dressing arrangement aside, we’re pretty much like any other mother/son I’ve observed and our daily interactions and conversations are about the same things you and your kids probably talk about – friends, family, school, activities, plans for the coming week, etc.
So I hope this helps give a bit more balanced view of us and our life. Thanks for reading and listening.

Jillian

[Anthony Simon]

I’d say that about 20% of the time at home, he’s in “male” mode, though I assume even then he’s wearing panties since I don’t see any male underwear in the laundry. The rest of the time he’s in female mode with bra and breast forms, and he may or may not be wearing make –up, earrings, styled hair, or feminine/androgynous outerwear.

So he's in female mode 4/5 of the free time he's got. Which is he's expressing his female side in an outward way for that percentage of the time (if that is what this is about). The other 1/5 he's wearing panties - and also presumably at school (on what you're saying about underwear). Not being a parent I don't know, but there might be a question about him being caught in girl's underwear at school (e.g. if he suffers an injury).

But, to continue about his expressing his female side. In your posts about bra size he felt he wasn't getting to express this feminity enough. The suggestion is that somewhere, he wouldn't just dress as a girl 80% of the time, but the whole time if he had the choice.

[JillianJamison(F)]

Hi Anthony, I'm not sure I understand the point you are trying to make, but I think you are saying/asking why he would not be in female mode 100% of his time at home??? If that is your question, I think right now he would but at times, give our groundrules, there are certain impracticalities to doing this. If he's been out of the house with friends, etc and then comes home but knows he's going out again in 30 or 60 minutes, then sometimes its just not too practical to undress, put on female stuff only to have to take it off again very shortly thereafter. I would say that anytime he knows he's going to be in the house for a long period of time or is "in for the evening" he is in female mode.

I hope I understood your point/question. Jillian

[Anthony Simon]

Hi Jillian. It's not really the practicalities I'm concerned about. If he wants to dress as a girl all the time that might imply something about his inner sense of self. I mean if he only wanted to dress like a girl if he had the choice it might imply something stronger than straight crossdressing.

[Leeza]

Jillian,

There is a site listed on the home page of this forum that is designed for CD/TG/TS teens with an area for parents. http://www.tgchrysalis.com/" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

I have looked at it and found that site and the sister site to it The gender Tree, are very informative and helpful.

Leeza

[Paulette]

I'm truly sorry to have upset some of you. That was never my intention, and I apologize for any pain I have inflicted. Nonetheless I beg to differ. I'll try as gently as I can to explain why, so that whether or not you agree, you understand what I intended.

The phrase "sexual obsession" may conjure unsavory images and associations that many people are not comfortable with. But the words themselves are really very simple and need not carry such emotional or semantic baggage. They do not necessarily imply perversion, fetish, or mental illness. Such associations are culturally and socially arbitrary and the very things that as a group we now protest and lobby against. Cross dressing is a normal part of most cultures. With our help and through our insistence, our own culture is gradually beginning to accept and include us as simply another variation of the norm, but still within the norm.

Cross dressing is by definition sexual. We don't wear the typical clothing of military officers, astronauts, short order cooks, Somali farmers, or race track jockeys. For whatever reason or rationale, when we cross dress we wear the clothing of the sex opposite to our own sex. It's not necessarily arousing to us, but it is specific to the clothing of the sex we were not born or assigned to. In that sense it is sexual - an activity specifically concerned with one's own sex.

Though we may individually refrain from cross dressing for longer or shorter periods of time, most of us find that we return to it, even if just for a few moments every few years. Thus it is obsessive.

Some cross dress full-time, every day, successfully passing as a member of the opposite sex and thereby avoiding any feelings of compulsion. It's simply what they normally do, who they are. They feel that their gender expression through cross dressing is more truly representative of who they are than their physical or natal sex. Others have found complete acceptance within their family or social group, and may cross dress occasionally or all the time depending on how they feel, in the same way that one chooses to wear something blue or red, or a hat, or a class ring on any given day. But when denied the opportunity to cross dress for any extended period, those same people usually find it quite distressing. So the need to cross dress, the compulsion or obsession, is still there - it's just satisfied, so it's not apparent.

I hope that this explains my use of the phrase 'sexual obsession' and puts your mind at ease. I meant nothing in the least derogatory by it. Again, I sincerely apologize for any pain I caused, and I hope I haven't derailed the thread.

[Cassandra Lynn]

Wow, i am a late comer to all this and shame on me.

I'd first like to say i agree with those who are praising you, how very wonderful to find someone so willling to accept and put in place such big changes.
If only all of society could be more proactive and less reactive about all of our differences.

[Drea Lynn Stewart]

Hi Everyone, when I was reading back through my postings of the other day and all your kind responses, I realized this does not paint a very flattering picture of me or my son. To read what I wrote one might conclude that all my son and I do is sit around and discuss/debate bras and the size of his breasts, when in fact nothing could be further from the truth. Consequently, I thought I’d give some quick background into our situation.

Honestly, Jillian, I never thought an unflattering thing about your situation. I think it's absolutely wonderful that you were as accepting, supportive, and willing to work with your son to find what works for both of you.

I can't see how anyone might think that unflattering.

And hearing about the full trust and understanding between you two gives me a lot of hope for both you and your son.

Hugs,
Drea

[Martina H.]

Hi Jillian
Without wishing to pry to much into your back ground I take it that you are a single mother, as I don't see any male influence from a father figure in the home.
If this is so without upsetting you or any one else here I just wonder if this situation makes you lean more to your son being closer for him expressing his female side.
I have to say that I am so pleased with how supportive you are and hope that you can both grow from this together.
I will mention here that when I was in my early years being the youngest of the famaily I would be taken shopping by my mother going into stores that sold womens clothes and underwear and I would feel the materials how soft they felt, so think that was set into my head to come out later in life in my case.

Martina H.

[Absaroka]

Jillian I related to this primarily as a parent who has two daughters, one in her late teens and one in her early 20s. I applaud you for being as open and accepting of your son as you are. But I had to wonder. Given that teenagers need to be rebellious, was maybe the breast size maybe a manifestation of that. At a level that he could not have found words for, or even articulated to himself, did he need to find something in his crossdressing that you would not be comfortable with? Did he need to have something keep some distance between you and him in this area, and inadvertently discover that larger breasts made you uncomfortable, and were thus desirable? After all the idea of a teenager not doing SOMETHING to bug his parents is downright wierd.

To me, it seems great that you are accepting of your son's choice in clothing. But from what you describe, no doubt over time the ground rules will change yet again, and there will be new discomfort. In the meantime, the idea of you imposing stages of puberty on him, although it may be a great temporary fix, seems made to order for a power struggle at some point.

My oldest daughter and I were very close. As a result she had to work all the harder at creating distance between us at a certain age. Thankfully that age is past and we once more have a very close relationship. In talking about it she freely admits that she was difficult, and I admit that I handled some things poorly. But the point is that at some point she needed to find a way to provoke me into unreasonableness. The alternative would have been to have reasonable parents who didn't irritate her, which at a certain age was not an option as far as she was concerned.

Hang in there. It seems like you are doing a good job with all this, but once in a while feel free to be in charge and allow him the space to resent it.

Absaroka

A couple of other thoughts. It may be that there will be transgender issues that will be far more troubling than clothing choices. You might want to investigate the link someone posted.

2nd is yes, sometimes this is all about sex. Sometimes it's about masturbating into a bra and that sort of thing. And then it's a fetish and actually a very common one, although we don't discuss that aspect of it here. From the amount of time your son spends dressed it doesn't sound like that's the case with him however.

You haven't said much about this, but aside from clothing and makeup, are there other anomalies in your sons gender presentation?

[Ralitsa]

Zari has some excellent points.
The only other thing that I will add is that at 16 every kid suffers confusion and anxiety about sex, their identity, being accepted by their peers, gaining freedom and independence, and basically finding their place in the world. So don't take any of this really very seriously, and especially don't try to hang labels or try to stuff him into some definition.
I would say that a parent at this time in life has a few primary concerns, which are:
A. keep him alive
B. do not be the cause of unnecessary stress
C. make sure he will be prepared for life when he is 18.

And that is basically it. By now you either taught him to be a decent, moral, and responsible person, or it's too late. I really would not stress out over whether he is TS/TG or whatever because you can't change it anyway. It sounds like you have been exceptionally perceptive about his concerns and that your instincts have been very accurate. So just trust yourself.