Advice for Mother of a teen CD (

[JillianJamison(F)]

Hello all, this is my first post seeking some advice as the mother of a teenage crossdresser (age 16). I'm sorry its a bit long, but I hope you can help...

My son has been dressing in the privacy of our home with my knowledge, consent and moderate financial and shopping assistance. Not sure where its all leading but for now we seem to be in a good place. He feels safe expressing this aspect of himself in my presence and I’m fairly comfortable with it too. I say fairly because there is one point of mild contention. That point of contention is the size of his “breasts”.

When my son first began his experimentation with women’s clothes, it began with my panties and bras when I was out of the house. I’m a fairly busty woman so when he used rice and nylon stockings to make his own breastforms, he made them pretty big to fill the cups of my bra. When I caught him dressing a year ago, we had many talks and reached a number of agreements wherein I would be supportive of his dressing but which also provided a safe situation for him and a comfortable atmosphere for both of us.

For reasons I cannot explain or understand, the sight of him with very large breasts is a bit unsettling to me, but when I see him with smaller, but still very obvious breasts, I don’t find it so off-putting. However, he has a strong preference for the weight, feel and look of larger ones. So one of our agreements was that we would buy him both B-cup and D-cup bras so when he was going to be dressing while I was at home, he would wear his B-cup bras and use smaller breastforms that he made to fit that bra. But if he was dressing while I was out of the house he was free to wear the lager bra and breastforms. Once we put these agreements in place I never saw him wearing his larger bras, but I knew he must be because they would turn up in the laundry along with the smaller ones. I realized he was pretty much wearing the larger ones while I was out but changing before I got home.

Then about a month ago, that changed. When I would get home he’d be wearing is larger bra and forms. At first he’d mumble something after a few minutes and go change into his smaller bra and forms, but as the days past, it would be longer and longer before he’d do it and he’d typically say something like, “I’d guess I’d better go change,” clearly hoping I’d say he didn’t have to. Well two nights ago, I got home about 10:00 and he was wearing a very clingy top and his large bra and forms and after I had been home for about 15 minutes, he asked if it would be OK if he didn’t go and change since he’d be going to be in about an hour anyway. When I was slow to answer, he got a little “pissy” and it lead to a discussion of the topic. He respectfully made two very good points as follows—1.) wearing a bra and having breasts were the most visible, and to him, most important way to express his feminine side and for that reason, size mattered to him. 2.) he pointed out that if he really had been born a girl, there was a good chance he might have inherited many of my genetic traits incluing being large-busted.

I asked him to let me consider these points for a couple of days and we’d revisit, but until then I’d prefer that we kept to our previous agreement. This placated him to a degree and he did go and change, but I do owe him an answer and I can’t really give one with any degree of logic. So I’m asking for some help. Since it seems to be quite important to him and since I can’t really give any concrete or fact based reason to say “no” should I just get over it and not turn this fairly minor point into a big deal or should I ask him to stick to our original agreement? I'm leanng towards allowing the larger breasts and figuring I'll just get used to it. Heck, when I was a teenager, it took me a while to cope with my own breasts being so much larger than most of my friends. Maybe I'm having a sub-conscious flashback to those days!

Thanks for your help! Jillian

[Drea Lynn Stewart]

First off, I'm impressed both of you are approaching this in such mature fashion. Slow, steady, but open communication is key for both of you.

That said, you're looking for a logical argument, and I really don't think there is one. You have to consider his feelings on the matter, and he must consider yours. Neither are wrong, nor more important than the other.

Now, just to contradict myself, have the two of you considered working up in size? I realize it'd be another expense (which may or may not be possible), but what about compromising with a C-cup? Even genetic girls don't wake up with puberty one morning from AA to D; it takes time for them to grow.

Drea

[Anita]

Hi Jillian--
Temporarily, this is a real no-win situation, and I don't need to tell you that. If your son were going out in the world, he might quickly find out that a D cup is not really his best look. Other people would be weighing in with their opinion, plus he'd get reactions (both good and bad) from strangers. Since he isn't going out, the equalizer of other people's reactions and opinions don't come into play here. It's just your feelings versus his.

I would say that what--25%? of us start out with larger sizes than look good on us. The same way that we can also start out dressing in styles too young for our age. A CD can't "rationally" talk himself out of wanting to experience these things for the first time. Over time, we tend to find what works best for us.

You can't be expected to not react to his look being "off" to you, either. This is tough! A temporary compromise at a C cup is just that--temporary. I could see you handling that better than he could; for him, the feel and weight would still not be right, and it doesn't seem to matter that it's 'closer.'

The compromise that you've had in place seems like it was the best one, and it's not working for him. But it does occur to me that he won't be living at home indefinitely. It may just be that as long as he's living with you, he needs to respect your feelings around this.

[JillianJamison(F)]

Wow, whoever said two heads are better than one sure was right!!! All it took was this post which caused me to put my own thoughts down "on paper" and two thoughtful responses (thank you Anita and Drea!!!) and I was able to come up with a brilliant solution (at least my son and I think its brilliant!).

Before I tell you what we have now agreed to, I'd like to clarify one point because it plays slightly into the solution. When my son wears his larger bras and breastforms, his look really isn't "off", he simply looks to be on the busty end of the normal range for his size. That's pretty much what I am -still proportional for my overall size but certainly towards the busty end of the range for someone who is 5'9" and wears a size 10 dress. Anyway...onto to the solution you ladies helped us with...

It sprung out of the combiation of my reminices about my teenage breast development, Drea's comments about compromise and working up in size and lastly Anta's comment about crossdressers eventually figuring it out over time.

I thought about my own experience as a girl of 11 or 12, when my own breast started to grow and I had to begin wearing a training bra. While our family gene pool may give us a clue, nobody knows for example how tall they are going to grow to be, and no young lady knows how large her breasts will grow to be. My older Sister and her daughters are a perfect example. My sister is slightly bigger than me in just about every way including her bustline where I'm a size C or D depending upon the bra, she's a size DD or DDD. But for her daughters, the 20 year old who by all appearnaces has stopped growing for some time, is probably a very average B cup while her 14 year old sister is alreday probably wearing at least a C if not a D cup. The point is you never KNOW until your done growing.

So I proposed to my son that we set up a system to let him experience the equivalent of a teenage girls breast growth - the most important component of which is that she is not in control of the progression of the process or the ultimate end of the process. She just copes and adjusts to the changes in her body.

So my son is going to turn over all his bras and breast forms to me and I am going to give him a few training bras. Then each week, I will give him some amout of rice (remember he makes his own breastforms using a nylon stocking filled with rice) to simulate breast growth. Some weeks he'll get none, some weeks a tiny amount and some weeks a surprising amount (the way it really happens). Then when he "outgrows" his training bra, we'll buy him some A cup bras, and when he outgrows them we'll buy some B cups, etc. We've agreed his "growth" phase will be 18 months and further agreed that he will grow to at least a C cup and have left open the possibility that he may grow as large as a DD cup depending upon his actual physical growth (he doesn't know it but I'm planning to stop at a D cup unless he grows a few more inches or fills out more in the shoulders).

He is REALLY excited about this and has been bugging me for an hour to go out and get his new training bras. I have to admit, I'm a bit excited about it too and I must futher admit I feel a bit conflicted about my excitment. I mean, its one thing to love and support him no matter what, but to be "excited" about helping my son try to experience breast growth like a teenage girl doesn't seem quite "parental". O well - we do our best!

Thanks again to Drea and Anita. I'd certainly be interested in other ways to improve upon this idea, but we're on our way down this new path and it wil be some time before i have to "worry" about his being too busty!

Thank you! Jillian

[DonnaT]

You've been great with how you've handled things, in my opinion. Thus I am leaning more toward your side of the issue, because the more comfortable you feel, the less tension there is that will likely build up.

So, to try and keep to the current agreement:

Just how long and how often does he get to wear the D's.

I ask, because they can be bad for his lower back if worn too long. Which would be my argument against his wearing them while you are home, i.e., the increase in time he'd be wearing them.

Another would be his seeming infatuation for large breasts. It could possibly limit his choices in a partner, if he's not gay, later on in life. You might ask him what he looks for in a girl, as a possible girlfriend.

Also, he will eventually want to go out (this year, next year, three years from now?) in the world dressed enfemme, and large breasts, if not proportional with his build would attract a lot of unwanted attention. Not being used to wearing smaller breast forms could make him feel uncomfortable with himself.

EDIT: Ah, I see you've arrived at a solution, for now. I wonder why he seems excited about the new arrangement, starting even smaller, while he seemed so bent on wearing the larger size?

[JillianJamison(F)]

Donna, I think he's excited for two reasons:

1. I'm a good salesman !

2. The idea of being able to experice what me and every other teenage girl experiences was quite appealing even though it does mean taking a step back temporarily, it keeps the whole experience new and exciting for him. He'll probably even experience a bit of the angst most teenage girls experience when they feel they are falling behind their friends in this area (yes, teenage girls do compare "notes" and there is a certain correlation in the female teen pecking order between breast size and social status.

Jillian

[Anita]

It's good to hear that you found an arrangement that seems to work for both of you, and I'm happy to have helped out. Like Donna, I'm also puzzled by your son's acceptance, and I'd have to think it goes back to his original statement:

wearing a bra and having breasts were the most visible, and to him, most important way to express his feminine side and for that reason, size mattered to him.

It appears that the first part of the statement is still true, and that experiencing this the same way that a genetic girl does outweighs the issue of size, at least at the moment.

Edit: I did not see the post above this one as I was writing.

[JillianJamison(F)]

Anita, I think you are exactly right for him right now its mostly about breasts. This solution, though it temporarily reduces his breast size down to nothing as a starting point, he still gets to wear a bra and the whole "game," if I may call it that is so totally focused on breasts and breast growth I think for him this is even better than just being told to go ahead and wear his large bra and breastforms right now. Sort of addition by subtracation - subtraction of not only his large breastforms but all breastforms to start, adds an intense focus on the breasts, the breast form and the appropriate sized bra which seems central to him at this time, even moreso than just having big breasts.

Jillain

[Drea Lynn Stewart]

Jillian, I'm so glad to hear you and your son have found a solution that works for you both!

Hugs,
Drea

[Davita]

Jillian,
I'm kind of curious to understand how breasts became the ultimate statement of femininity or are they the ultimate symbol for womanhood? What does your son do when he's dressed as a girl? Is he particularly different? When he's dressed, is he still focused on his girls?

I guess I'm trying to figure out where he fits this world -- and it's perfectly fine however he fits. It just will help you and him cope with all this brings -- the good and the bad.

When you said, "... growth like a teenage girl doesn't seem quite 'parental'", I have to beg to differ with you. I think you're doing pretty good and being proactive as you are is wonderful. Thanks and I hope we continue to meet yours and his needs.

[Carol Esme]

Jillian,
I'm so impressed at how you two are handling this. It looks like your son wants to follow through a typical teenage girl development process. Look forward to debates over fashion (how tarty), piercings, hair styles, make-up. Good luck but you'll be fine if you keep going the way you've started.

[Anthony Simon]

He is REALLY excited about this and has been bugging me for an hour to go out and get his new training bras. I have to admit, I'm a bit excited about it too and I must futher admit I feel a bit conflicted about my excitment. I mean, its one thing to love and support him no matter what, but to be "excited" about helping my son try to experience breast growth like a teenage girl doesn't seem quite "parental". O well - we do our best!

I kind of hesitate to move in here, in that once you're so keen, it's pretty much done deal. But you may be feeling that, as a parent, you should be more distanced from your son's stuff - kind of keeping a weather eye for his excesses.

[Paulette]

Hi, you wonderful Mom, you!

Keep in mind that for most CDs this is a life-long obsession, even though full expression of being a female 24/7 is most often neither the goal or the end result. So while I admire your acceptance and encouragement, I worry that it may add complications to his own adjustment and exploration of who he is.

I've been cross dressing in private since age 12 or so, and through three marriages, raising a son, developing a profession, and now I'm in partial retirement at age 72 with a wonderfully accepting and loving wife. In my early twenties I didn't know if I wanted to be or present myself as a woman, or be a drag queen. Did I want sex with men, or with women, or both, or want to be or have sex with someone in between - with breasts and a penis. Could I be comfortable in the gay crowd, and which one? Would my compulsions prevent me from experiencing "normal" life as a cis-gendered male? If I found someone who accepted or relished my cross dressing would I then focus all of my sexuality on them?

All these things (and more) had to be explored and evaluated. Some were easy to check out and reject or accept. Others still are open. I'll probably never get to the bottom of it all, and I don't know anyone who has. Even those who fully transition to the opposite sex, surgery and all, sometimes find that the reality was not what they expected or were mentally equipped to handle.

I'd also be careful of your personal relationship with your son. Cross dressers sometimes have a very flexible sexual interest in others, crossing the lines of age, sex, and relationship. Cross dressing is a sexual obsession, and a sexual/emotional balance within the family can be tricky. To really help your child find his or her limits, you must also be sure and comfortable with your own.

I'd recommend counseling for you both, but finding good help has always been a problem. Degrees and experience are not sufficient indicators by themselves, and trial and error can leave scars.

On a happier note, congratulations on being so wonderfully open, accepting, and trusting! Everyone here surely envies your son and the period of life he's going through now, and wishes theirs had been as good.

Good luck!

[DonnaT]

Cross dressing is a sexual obsession

I disagree with Paulette. It may be such an obsession for some, but not for all.

[SilverLady(SO)]

Hi, Jillian, and a huge welcome to the Forum!!

I see that you are not a CD yourself but the mother of one . . . thank you for your desire and willingness to educate yourself but more importantly for your acceptance of your son. You've been given a lot of wonderful advice and I tend to agree with the majority of it.

However, like Donna (above ^) I, too, disagree with Paulette's comment and for the same reason: for all the CD/TGs that I personally met and/or are close friends with, crossdressing is NOT a sexual obsession and it never was. The CD'ing was always 'who they are', and sexual obsession or being sexually excited by the CDing was never part of that equation, they were just looking for a way to get the 'outside' to match the 'inside' of who they are.

IMHO, anyone who CDs for the sexual obsession/stimulation derived from it is just someone with a fetish.


- SL