Son of a CDer, Trying to Adjust to the News

[JamesR(F)]

I just wrote a bit as a reply in the New Members, but I realize as a Family Member I should write here:

My Dad is 74. He was born illigitimate, ran with a motorcycle gang, married my mom and had us three kids, he fought in Vietnam and came back a broken man. My mom divorced him and took us all 5000 miles away to her family. My dad became a street musician. For over 40 years, he sang on the sidewalk. I would see him some summers when we were kids. I missed him alot. Initially after the divorce, I cried myself to sleep, night after night. My older sister and younger brother didn't share in my sorrow and seemed to adjust well. I looked up to my Father. I even missed the smell of my Father.

In the 1980's, my early 20's, I came out to my family as a gay man. My Father was the only one who supported me at that time. He met my first lover and we spent time together, the three of us. Flash to the present: I was just informed by a mutual friend that my dad is distancing himself from all his old friends and has been seen wearing "long red manicured nails" and the attire to go with it. Now, she probably shouldn't have told me in the first place but what's done is done. It's still his secret and until he wants to divulge it, I will respect his privacy. All of us kids are thousands of miles away and he probably doesn't worry about us finding out.

Problem: (bottom line). I'm kind of scared of him, ashamed and ashamed of being ashamed. My dad is a beautiful person. I want to support him.
Reading some of the posts here has helped me. I didn't know that CDing was hard wired in a man, just like my being gay. I don't know if I could ever go out in public with him is CDing. I think the initial shock is over. I appreciate any input I get here. Thanks, James

[DonnaT]

IMHO, the way to get past your shame of feeling ashamed is to talk to him. Don't wait for him to bring it up.

Maybe if you get it out in the open, your initial feeling, then he can forgive you and then you can forgive yourself.

If he has been doing this for a long time, I doubt he'll ever bring it up. Note that it is quite possible that this something recent; I've seen it before. There's no rule that this has to have been a lifelong thing.

[JamesR(F)]

Donna,

I really want to respect my dad's privacy and I don't want to scare/push him away. I wrote a letter to him today just telling him how vulnerable I can be and hoping maybe I can open a portal. But then again, he is my father, I want to show him I support him and he's not going anywhere, I hope not. He was diagnosed with prostate cancer ten years ago but he takes good care of himself. I think he's "coming out" now because he may not have a lot of time left. You really think I should bring it up first? What do others think? Please let me know. James

[Anita]

Hi James--
It wasn't your fault that you found out--it wasn't like you were going through private papers. I think I would ask him about it, because it's bothering you. I agree with Donna that it's doubtful he would ever bring it up. You are not alone in being a member of the LGBT community, and being baffled or upset by transgender members. I'm a facilitator for a trans support group, and I see firsthand how gay men and women have problems with transgendered men and women. It would be nice if we understood each other better, but it's not a given.

[JamesR(F)]

Anita,

It seems to me that there must be an infinite or at least myriad ways of sexul expression. It seems like CDing is a gender issue, but does it have a sexual component along with it? I don't think I've ever heard of one. It just seems to me that a CDer wants to dress and make up like a woman and if they're adventurous then maybe go out. I live in S.F. near Chinatown and we don't see any CDers out here. You would think that living in this city that you would see more. They used to have Finochio's. A little before my time here. I read something telling in this forum. A CDer said, the day can be a wreck with too many worries but when I slip into my dress I finally feel relaxed. What a testament. It's up to whoever steps up to the plate to help me figure out what's happening with my Dad.

[Anthony Simon]

It's up to whoever steps up to the plate to help me figure out what's happening with my Dad.

Ah, c'mon. ... All you've got is a second-hand information - a report that he's CDing. You don't even know if that's true - or partially true.

[JamesR(F)]

Anthony,

You're right. It is a second hand report. My dad lives so far from us, and he is of age (74) to do what he wants on his own. I really believe that it's up to him if he wants to share any of this with me. It's up to me now just to figure out how I'd feel if it is true and he does want to discuss it. I want to support him as well as he's supported me. James

[Paulette]

Then for both your sake's, tell him that! "I don't know if it's true, but I want to support you as well as you've supported me."

There's no easy way into this. Just do it.

[Absaroka]

Support can have a huge range. It can vary from a simple conversation about he does this to all sorts of things. You don't want to go too far past your comfort level, and after all who wants to go out clubbing with their 74 year old father in a dress? But asking him about it and letting him know you are okay with it to whatever extent is true for you is probably a good idea.

I was struck by his age also. Lots of other stuff happens in our 70's, and you may want to check him out to make sure he isn't simply forgetting that this was something he meant to hide but forgot.

Absaroka

[Azurielle]

To be honest, I'd be more ashamed by the fact my father loves N'Sync than if he was a crossdresser.


...at least CDs can have taste.

[Hanna]

I agree with Paulette, just go to him, give him a huge hug, and show him all the love you can.
Like you said, be there for him like he was for you.